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Can You Hear It?

by FrenchRose

I watched out the window waiting to see River Central High School. I turned away and grabbed my Ipod I put in the ear phones and listened to "Little Things" by One Direction. I jumped as the bus skided to a stop and opened its doors wait isn't Jeremy the last one on I thought. But I was wrong a tan boy with spiked black hair and dark blue eyes steped onto the bus the bus driver pointed to the seat across the aisle fromme which also held Jamie Sparks the most popular girl in school. she met my gaze for a second the smiled at the boy he smirked and walked to his seat next to her. "So" Jamie said twirling hercurly, redhair "where are you from?

"North Dakota" He answeredturning to look at her, out of the corner of my eye I could see him looking at me until Jamie spoke. "Wow thats a long way" Jamie squeaked grabbing his arm with both hands because his muscules were big. "Why are you staring at Nasty Shasty" Jamie sassed one eyebrow raised, I rolled my eyes "who" he asked shaking his head and turning to look at her. "Shasta, Nasty Shasty whatever" Jamie grunted, the bus stopped again and I looked out the window we were at RCHS (river central high school) Jamie grabbed his hand and got up so did he "whats your name" she asked winking slyly at me "Brandon Diaz" he said still staring at me as I got off and ran towards the building.

"Whitney you have no idea how weird it was" I said watching my sister braid my long blonde hair in our bathroom mirror. "Shasta you don't need to worry about boys" Whitney sighed looking up and into the mirror "but you always did in high school" I tested "you can either have your hair braided or none at all" Whitney retorted. I held in a laugh and all was silent until Whitney finished "there" Whitney smiled at her work "now scram I have my own hair to fix" she tucked a blonde strand behind her ear as I left.

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6 Reviews

Points: 671
Reviews: 6

Thu Feb 07, 2013 6:44 am
adelina wrote a review...

hey french adel, here

so about your story
people have alredy covered you on the basis of grammer so it would be annoying if I reapeted it,
believe me, i know, it gets so annoying when people keep telling you about the same thing over and over again.
I also know people have told your writing style seems, well, awkward. I can't really here your characters voice in this story.
when i say voice I don't mean audio I mean the readers should experience this chick's emotions and thoughts.
I can also see that you have trouble connecting sentences, well you know what, that's perfectly alright, when I first joined I had trouble doing that to I was practically hopeless when it comes to the 'connecting your sentences' department. truthfully speaking I learnt how to do it later on.
basically, what you need is more discriptive words, ok for example
"I looked out the window waiting to see RCHS. I then turned away..."
a better way of putting this would be...
"I glanced out the window (look is good to just don't use watch it makes it look kinda awkward) waiting or hoping to see RCHS, when I remembered a most intriguing way to keep ones mind busy, which was when I began to look through my bag and take possession of my ipod......"
this is just a suggestion.
Also I think it was good that you mentioned what song the character was listening to
I mean I'm no directioner but by you doing that the you allow the reader to have something to relate with the main character which keeps the reader engrossed in the story.
Remember keep your sentences connected, it is very important like the flow of oxygen for the body, is very important and if you cut off that flow the person dies. same way if you don't keep the flow of your story going people are bound to lose interest.
I like the idea of your story.
I think I'm going to follow this one.
your jamie character seems really lame I mean if she really is the most popular girl in school she should definitely come up with better come backs oh and work on your character devolopment.
enjoyed reveiwing
oh catch up with my story SIMPLY SIMPLICITY.

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158 Reviews

Points: 1935
Reviews: 158

Thu Feb 07, 2013 1:34 am
Veeren wrote a review...

Hey there French :D
I'm here to help you with this short chapter of yours.

Spoiler! :
I watched out the window
I turned away

First of all, 'watched' sounds odd. You should change it to 'looked' instead.
And second, saying you were looking out the window, and then saying you turned away defeats the purpose of stating the former in the first place.

Spoiler! :
Ipod I put in the ear phones and listened to "Little Things" by One Direction.

That should be 'iPod', and stating the specific song you were listening to is extremely unnecessary. It's just giving the reader extra information.

Spoiler! :
wait isn't Jeremy the last one on I thought.

This should be its own sentence. Put a period before, and a comma after the italics.

Spoiler! :
But I was wrong a tanish boy

You need a comma after 'wrong', and I'm not very sure what 'tanish' is.

Spoiler! :


Spoiler! :
next to me which also held Jamie Sparks the most popular girl in school

You're missing a few commas here. It should be: next to me, which also held the most popular girl in school, Jamie Sparks', seat.

Spoiler! :
"So" Jamie said

This should be it's own line, with a comma after the 'so', and then later on after the 'finger'.

Spoiler! :

Looks like you're missing a space.

And the rest of the errors are pretty much repeats of these.
I'd suggest a bit of editing, if not with the paragraphing, then just for the grammar and spelling in general. It would make this a much easier read.
Good work anyway, keep on writing :D

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662 Reviews

Points: 52441
Reviews: 662

Wed Feb 06, 2013 4:58 am
dogs wrote a review...

Hello Rose! Dogs here with your review today! Ok firstly I like your avatar :) good choice there. Ok now onto your writing. Firstly your grammar and word choiceage is very awkward and makes it incredibly difficult for the reader to get through your writing. And any time the reader is having troubles reading what you've written, that should be a big red flag to you as the writer.

"and grabbed my Ipod i put in the ear..."

Ok so this should be either a period after "Ipod" or remove the "I" and say "putting" instead of "put." Also when you go into the italics signifying you're thoughts you need at least a period before the Italics or a comma. Otherwise it's a huge run on sentence and it doesn't make sense.

Don't start sentences with "but" or conjunctions, however, but is the worse use to start a sentence. Use a comma to link those sentences together. It should look like this

"Although, I was wrong. A tanish boy..."

These are simple grammar errors that you should be able to fix by reading your writing out loud to yourself before you post it.

"Steped out on the bus the bus driver..."

This line is mega awkward, it should be: "stepped out onto the bus. The bus driver..." again simple errors that can be easily fixed by reading what you've written out loud to your self. It's a pain to do and I hate doing it, but it really helps.

"She met my gaze for a second the smile at the boy he smirked and walked to his seat next to her."

Ok I'm not even going to get started on how frustrating this sentence is to read. It should be: She met my gaze for a second, then smiled at the boy as he smirked and walked to his seat next to her.

First of all that line sounds so god awfully awkward and there is no excitement in it. You use boring words with no imagery. Describe the boy and describe the girl, describe the bus. Is it routy with annoying kids playing with your hair? Is there gum stuck to the bottom of the seats? Are their flies buzzing in every corner? These are things you really need to elaborate on. Also you have had a huge grammatical or spelling error in every single sentence, and it has taken me about ten minutes to read and review just that first paragraph. you need to fix your simple errors before you post again. Let me know once you do and I'll be more then happy to review it. Keep up the good work.

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032

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1238 Reviews

Points: 35807
Reviews: 1238

Wed Feb 06, 2013 3:07 am
niteowl wrote a review...

Hi FrenchRose! Hannah's already covered the basics about reviewing and proof-reading, so I just I'll just discuss the story, or more accurately the lack of one. This isn't bad for an intro, but it needs more to it. It seems like the popular girl is attracted to him...what about Shasta? Other girls? How does he behave at school? If this is supposed to be part of a novel, it needs a lot more to hook the reader.

Some smaller points: Tanish isn't a word. I think tan would be a more appropriate description. I also think eyes aren't as noticeable until you're seated next to a person, which she isn't. Maybe describe his outfit or something? That would also give us more insight into his personality.

Secondly, I found it odd that this kid has his own bus stop. School buses have scheduled stops, and I doubt the bus driver would pick up a kid somewhere else. Also: they're in high school. This makes me think that the popular girl would not be on the bus at all, because either a) she has a car and drives (if she's old enough) or b) has an older friend or relative pick her up.

Lastly, was it intentional to name this kid the same as a guy in One Direction? Especially considering they look very similar (except the eyes)? If it was, I'd rethink it, especially since you just mentioned the band.

Overall, this could be interesting if you add more details and clear up some confusing points. Keep writing! :)

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1315 Reviews

Points: 23536
Reviews: 1315

Wed Feb 06, 2013 2:30 am
Hannah wrote a review...

Hey, FrenchRose! Welcome to YWS and congrats on submitting your first work. Be sure to get out there and review others, too. You might find these articles on critiquing to be helpful:

How to Write a Good Critique (by: Emerson)

Need Help Writing a Basic Review? (by: alwaysawriter)

As for your piece, I have to ask you to carefully proofread your work before you submit it. Don't you want your reviewers to focus on the material in your work instead of just correcting punctuation errors? Here are a few articles that might get you on the right track to taking care of your own editing.

Punctuation within Dialogue(by: Demeter)

Comma Splices (by: Lavvie)

Keep learning and listening in your English classes. c:

As for the material, let's check it out:

and listened to "Little Things" by One Direction.

I think a lot of people might appreciate the reference to a modern pop band, BUT! Be careful! Putting in a reference to something that's popular now is dangerous, because later when your book is released to the public, this band and this song might not be popular anymore. It might make your readers think about how old you are, or they might not get the reference at all, and then that'll weaken the timelessness of your piece. It's hard to do pop-culture references, so consider carefully whether that's a risk you want to take.

driver pointed to the seat next to me which also held Jamie Sparks the most popular girl in school. '

In this sentence, it sounds to me like the bus driver tells him to sit in a seat that already has the narrator and Jamie. You might want to say, "the seat across the aisle from me" so we know Jamie is in the empty seat and the new boy's gonna sit there.

Now, where is this going? I don't know what direction the story will take. I got a very brief introduction to the nastiness of Jamie, and we saw a boy stare at the narrator, but not a lot of feeling or personality. Does Shasta not feel uncomfortable that a random boy is staring at her? Is she not a little scared of a guy with spiked black hair? What kind of company does she usually have at school? What would her friends think of this guy? We're usually kind of scared of things we don't know and that are different. Maybe Shasta's not, but not even eagerness comes across in this writing. I need to know more about her to be motivated to keep reading.

PM me if you have any questions, please. c:

Good luck, and keep writing!

FrenchRose says...

Oh my gosh great advice i will defenatly be more descriptive! I will add more to it and i'm embarised to say that wasn't even a chapter it was more like a page, I'll add more today and maybe fix it up a little bit? but I will absolutly work on it!!! Thanks so much!

Dear French I know you and your style of writing ,but it could use some improvements .First of all it dosn't tell why she got out her I pod or give a good discription of Jamie besides that shes the most popular girl in school what clothing is she wearing ,is she a lip gloss adict,and what color is her hair is it up or down if it up how.There should be a space between anwsred and turning.You should discribe him more so you don't have to say "she grabbed his musles because they were big".

“I'd much rather be someone's shot of whiskey than everyone's cup of tea.”
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