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True Friends

by cookiez

I walked into my homeroom on Monday morning. I sighed as Iput my textbooks, notebooks, and pencils on my desk. I hadn't gotten any sleep last night. I tried, really I did. Something kept me up though. I had been thinking. That's what kept me up though,knew it. I looked at my friend Eliza. She nodded at me and continued to write. I glanced at the paper but she had it covered completely.

"Eliza, Hey I needed to talk to you. I-" I had come into the room a minute before the bell rang and I ran out of time to talk. Eliza rushed out of the room without so much as another glance at me. Weird. Eliza and I had been friends for so many years. If something was bothering her I would think she would tel me. Maybe she was just in a bed mood. I hurried into my first period class. I took my usual seat beside Whitney. The room was extremely loud for only having twelve students in it.

"Hey," she said as I sat down. I nodded to her. Whitney was a good friend of mine. One of my best actually. I had known her since first grade. She knew that if I didn't talk it meant I was either tired or upset. So, she didn't bother to talk to me for the rest of class. I had barely paid attention that class. The next three classes were just as boring as the first. Lunch was when I finally started to wake up.

My best friend Kylie was sitting across from me beside Caitlin and Amber. They were my besties too, but Kylie was the one I had over every weekend. Caitlin and Amber were sitting on either side of Kyli. Amber was next to the end, and on the other side. Amber was sitting beside her boyfriend Alex. Alex was cool. He had short blondish brown hair and blue eyes. He was really funny and he was perfect for Amber. I hadn't know him for very long but he was awesome to hang around with.I looked atKyli and saw that she was staring past me. I rolled my eyes. I knew what she was staring at. She was staring at her crush. She was obsessed with him. No joke. Obsessed. She knew his eye color, hair color, how deep his voice was, and what he wore. Everyday. She actually made a chart on what days he wore his blue Nike basketball shoes (every day by the way). She wthed him at lunch. She sometimes ignored the rest of us and just watched him. She knew his scudule by heart and sometimes went out of her way to se him. I looked over my shoulders to see David. He wasn't paying any attention to Kyli but seemed insanely into his conversation with Matt. Matt was one his friends. He waskinda cute too. I didn't know much about either of them.I looked back at my friends and snapped my fingers in Kyli's face. She shook her head a little bit then looked at me.

"What, Nikki?" she asked me.

"He's going to think you're creepy. Stop staring," I told her. She nodded but I could still see her trying to look at him past me.

"Caitlin, did you get the-" I was cut off for the second time today. David walked by a table, stopped, then came back and put his hands on our table.

"Hey, Kyli, Caitlin, Amber,"he said nodding at each of them. He turned towards me last and smiled. "Hey, Nikki." I nodded at him.

"Hey." He nodded back and kept walking. Matt was ahead and just realized that David had stopped walking with him. He turned around and waited. At that moment, Braden stepped up and sat beside me. He started being his usual loud self and so I just ignored him.

"Whatwere you saying, Nikki?" Caitlin asked. I thought about it. I shrugged.

"I can't remember..."She shrugged and started talking to Amber and Kyli. I thought about what i wanted to ask Caitlin but I couldn't remeber...

After lunch, I went to my 5 period, American Cultures. I liked this class. I could pay attention in here. For the next 45 minutes, I sat and listened about the ancient Egyptians. When the bell rang and I headed to mycalc class, I stopped at my locker. Whitney, who's locker was five down from mine, asked me about my chemistry notes. Oh, God. Thats what I was going to ask Caitlin. We ad a HUGE test today and I hadnt studied at all. I spent my next two class worring about my test. I tried to cram stuff in my head in my studdy hall seventh period but it was really loud and nothing was making sense. I really needed to start paying attention in my classes!

I was at my locker right before eighth period and was getting my things. I turned around and ran right smak into David. My eighth period items went flying to the floor. David went to pick them up at the same time I died and we ended up bumping heads.

"Im so sorry!" I said rubbing my head. "I wasn't paying attention. Sorry!" I got all of the things near me and David grabbed the ones near him. He shook his head and smiled as he gave me my notebook and papers.

"Don't worry about it. It was my fault.I wasn't looking were I was walking." We stood there for a few more seconds and then we started laughing. After a few more seconds of that, I looked at the clock. One minute left. I looked back at David.

"I gotta go. I'll.....see ya later." I said hesitantly. Would I see him later? At lunch, yes but I wsasn't going to go running through the school to see him. He smiled at me. I turned to go but he stopped me.

"Hey...Um would you want something this weekend?" he asked. He seemed nervous and I thought about saying yes but Kyli popped into my mind.

"I can't sorry. I have to-" Saved by the bell. "Sorry I gotta go. Bye." Then I rushed into the room. I couldn't think all period. I kept thinking about David. He asked me out? Was that what he did or did he just want to talk about something? Did he like me or maybe he just wanted to talkabout Kyli?I think he likes her. I've seen him look at her a couple times but I've never told her because she didn't need anything else to obsess about.I tried to concentrate on my test but, sadly, I think I flunked. Great.

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158 Reviews

Points: 1935
Reviews: 158

Thu Feb 07, 2013 2:07 am
Veeren wrote a review...

Hey there, Cookiez xD

Spoiler! :
I sighed as I sat my textbooks

This confused me at first. I thought you were missing a comma at first, but then I realized you didn't literally sit, but your items did. I'd suggest making it 'put' instead, just to avoid confusion.

Spoiler! :
Something kept me up though.

This is awkward. Add a comma to the last sentence, put 'but' in front of this one, and drop the 'though'.

Spoiler! :
That's what kept me up. I knew it.

This is not need. You already something had been keeping you up, and then you stated what it was.

Spoiler! :
write the paper on her desk.

This is also confusing. It sound like she's writing a paper about her desk. You could change this in to ways:
1- continued writing the on the on paper on top of her desk.
2- continued writing.

I'd suggest the second one. It short and to the point, everyone knows what she's writing on.

Spoiler! :
I had come

This should be its own paragraph. What I'd suggest putting after the dialogue itself is: The bell cut me off.
Of course that would require some rephrasing of the next line, but I'm sure you can do it.

Spoiler! :
Whitney was a

This should also start a new paragraph.

Spoiler! :
my best actually.

Comma after 'best'.

Spoiler! :
I had barely paid attention that class.

This sound redundant. Put a comma before it and change it to: not that I paid attention anyway.

Spoiler! :

This isn't a word and should be kept to dialogue only... if even that.

Spoiler! :
No joke. Obsessed.

First period should be a comma.

Spoiler! :
wore. Everyday

Same as the last one. Try to avoid one word sentences.

Spoiler! :


Spoiler! :
She sometimes ignored the rest of us and just watched him.

Again, redundant. Make it: It gets to the point that she would ignore us just to stare at him.

And the rest is fine.
After reading this, I'm struggling to find the point. I hope that this is a small part of a bigger piece, otherwise it is terribly incomplete. You go from talking about the character being ignored, then being upset, then complaining about her friend. Nothing links up, and that's bad. It turns readers away.
And what's worse is that there is very little back story to go on. You sort of just drop us into this characters life.
I'd suggest you take some time to revise this, story-wise. The content comes before the grammar, so try to focus on that.
Keep on writing :D

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41 Reviews

Points: 612
Reviews: 41

Wed Feb 06, 2013 2:55 am
Supermeggs12 wrote a review...

Just to it point., there are a bit too many sentence fragments in the beginning, which is a basic editing fix. I'm going to have to say that I agree with Hannah, it seems like a very strange place to end a chapter. I'm not saying you have to do some sort of cliff hanger, just change it a bit so it leaves the reader wanting more.

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1314 Reviews

Points: 23411
Reviews: 1314

Wed Feb 06, 2013 2:07 am
Hannah wrote a review...

Hmm, is this finished? It seems like a very awkward place to leave off a story part or a chapter. Nothing's even happened yet. We have very shallow introductions of character. The person we know must about is Kylie, really. We know Whitney's got good sense not to bother someone that doesn't want her to bother her, but that's not a lot at all. So far, we have a bunch of names and not a lot of people.

All that's happened is the main character went to school, didn't sleep, and got blown off by someone. I want to hear more concern about that. Like, she just says "weird", when really if your friend completely ignored you after you greeted her, I think you'd be more concerned. o_O;

Also, this is very weird:

Obsessed. She knew his eye color, hair color, how deep his voice was, and what he wore. Everyday. She actually made a chart on what days he wore his blue Nike basketball shoes (every day by the way).

How does that constitute an obsession? Everyone in school knows his eye color, hair color, how deep his voice is, and what he wears. And if he wears his blue shoes every day, what's the point of a chart? I think that chart is what actually reveals the obsession, and I think it'd be pretty realistic for her to keep a notebook with her at lunch to mark down her observations, but the ones you list aren't very revealing or special. I'd think of something else for her to pay attention to. Maybe who he sits next to? Maybe what he gets for lunch?

The other thing you need to think about as you continue writing is why you chose the narrator as the narrator. I have no idea what's going to happen in this story, because you give us no hint about it, but be sure to consider if hers is the best vantage point to tell it from. What can she bring to the narration that no other character can. What might other characters bring instead that could be more valuable? Be careful in your choice. I say this because right now they all seem pretty interchangeable, but that's mostly because you haven't given anyone real personality yet. What makes a person a person? Their actions, their thoughts. Give us some of that, some explanation, so we can feel like these characters are real and not just names in a sea of text. c:

PM me if you have questions, or if you'd like me to take a look at the next part~

Good luck and keep writing!

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890 Reviews

Points: 33
Reviews: 890

Wed Feb 06, 2013 2:06 am
PenguinAttack wrote a review...

Hi Cookiez,

It's great to see you posting work so soon after joining! Don't forget that reviewing other peoples work will probably get them to review yours, we're such a selfish bunch, writers!

This is a very short first chapter! You don't give us much to work on but I like the characters so far. It's always so weird when people don't even look at you when they leave, they're so clearly avoiding you! A little typpo; "I ran Out of time to talk". I like what you give us in the way of description, we have just enough to see the scene and feel a bit about what's going on.

I find it pretty weird that Whitney just doesn't talk to him/her? I feel like this is a him, but you haven't made that clear at all and I'm pretty confused. I feel like boys don't like to be talked to when they're upset and girls usually pry at other girls? Maybe I'm being super sexist though! I'm not a boy, so I don't know, haha.

I think the bracketed repetition of "everyday" gets in the way of what you're saying here, you don't need it and your voice is coming across way strong without it. You have a very good beginning narrator, with a lot of tone and interest in their voice. I really look forward to seeing more. We need longer chapters though! Give us something to really sink our teeth into, we barely have any hook in this piece.

Thanks for posting, hit me up with any questions, queries or just to chat.

~ Pen.

It is not enough to do your best; you must know what to do, and THEN do your best.
— W. Edwards Deming