Young Writers Society

Hello Kais! Dogs here with your review today. OK great topic to write about, it's emotional and personal to a lot of people. Always traumatic and you describe the situation rather well. Although your flow is definitely a little off but we'll get there. Now onto ze review!

Ok so firstly you use a comma at the end of every single line, insinuating that this is just one giant run on sentence. Which is not bueno. Definitely change some of those quotations to periods and semi colons, it makes the piece look better. On that same note I would highly encourage that you do not start each line with a capital. It again looks sloppy in my opinion, but of course that is entirely up to you as the writer.

"was the part of the car were girl in green had been"

Ok this line is super super awkwardly worded. Firstly "were" should be "where." Secondly there should be a "the" in front of "girl." Thirdly this line is way to long in a poem and breaks up the flow of your rhythm. You can either break it up into two different lines or shorten that line.

"all bar one life was lost"

Ok... this line makes absolutely no sense and I can't make heads or tails of it. If you have the reader this confused that should be a red flag. Definitely re write that part.

Right, so I like the imagery you use in the third stanza, but I think you should push that more! Make us see the young lost souls floating around, dismal and distraught. Dragging themselves around aimlessly yada yada. Also describe the crash a little more, I want to see the blood or the body floating through the air or the spiderwebs creeping across the windshield as the hood crinkled and furrowed its brow.

Furthermore your poem is really missing some more exciting words, you don't use any jaw droppingly out of the ordinary vocab. So look some words up in a thesaurus and see what you can find to help you out.

Also... 18 yearold dad? Eeek no teenaged parents here! That topic really should be a no no topic, especially here, unless you're focusing your entire poem on it. But just bringing that up once and dismissing it is not effective. All and all this poem has a good idea but needs a little polishing. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh

Wow. Personally, after reading, I think this was written from a personal experience. It has a good message in it, is it about a teen's car crash?

Some parts about it seem very repeated. We get that the kids are dead, and I would've liked if you would have expanded on the lives of these kids. Who were their friends, and what type of lives did they live? How did people react to their deaths?

Hey, Welcome to YWS, and I'm glad to review your work.

This has a lot of potential, and I believe that you have based this story of of true events, either a relative's experience, or maybe your own?

Either way, this was inspiring and very delicately spoken, if you ask me.

I think Hannah covered almost everything, but I just wanted to point out one thing that I truly enjoyed that some people do not do.

Y-You capitalized your lines. *HUGGLES* I don't know about me, but I find that when people don't capitalize their sentences or stanzas or whatever, it annoys the living crap out of me and I love how you did this...

You, my friend, are awesome.

~Katie

Hey, and welcome to YWS. Be sure to explore and post some of your own reviews once you get the chance.

Let me dive into this piece, though.

Three young lives lost,
But searched for in vain,