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heartbreak drive

by kais1993

Heart Break Drive

More young lives cut short today,
More young souls who couldn’t stay,
Driving too fast, High on fun,
No one stopped to think till the damage was done,

When the dust settled all that could be seen,
Was the part of the car were girl in green had been,
Crushed like a coke can,
After hitting the van,
All bar one life was lost,

In a way they can never be found,
Young souls just floating around,
Now I’m left with my secret pain,
And every night I’m back there again,
The metal crunch,
The glass shatter,
The one I loved lost like he didn’t matter,

It was one false move,
It was nobody’s fault,
That those live were cut short out there on the asphalt ,
The road was wet,
I just wish I could forget,

Its all in the past,
One night of pain,
Three young lives lost,
But searched for in vain,
More young lives lost,
At a terrible cost,
Some fun was had,
At 18 he would have made a great dad,
No one knew he wouldn’t survive,

The place now called Heart Break Drive.

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User avatar
662 Reviews

Points: 52441
Reviews: 662

Wed Feb 06, 2013 5:34 am
dogs wrote a review...

Hello Kais! Dogs here with your review today. OK great topic to write about, it's emotional and personal to a lot of people. Always traumatic and you describe the situation rather well. Although your flow is definitely a little off but we'll get there. Now onto ze review!

Ok so firstly you use a comma at the end of every single line, insinuating that this is just one giant run on sentence. Which is not bueno. Definitely change some of those quotations to periods and semi colons, it makes the piece look better. On that same note I would highly encourage that you do not start each line with a capital. It again looks sloppy in my opinion, but of course that is entirely up to you as the writer.

"was the part of the car were girl in green had been"

Ok this line is super super awkwardly worded. Firstly "were" should be "where." Secondly there should be a "the" in front of "girl." Thirdly this line is way to long in a poem and breaks up the flow of your rhythm. You can either break it up into two different lines or shorten that line.

"all bar one life was lost"

Ok... this line makes absolutely no sense and I can't make heads or tails of it. If you have the reader this confused that should be a red flag. Definitely re write that part.

Right, so I like the imagery you use in the third stanza, but I think you should push that more! Make us see the young lost souls floating around, dismal and distraught. Dragging themselves around aimlessly yada yada. Also describe the crash a little more, I want to see the blood or the body floating through the air or the spiderwebs creeping across the windshield as the hood crinkled and furrowed its brow.

Furthermore your poem is really missing some more exciting words, you don't use any jaw droppingly out of the ordinary vocab. So look some words up in a thesaurus and see what you can find to help you out.

Also... 18 yearold dad? Eeek no teenaged parents here! That topic really should be a no no topic, especially here, unless you're focusing your entire poem on it. But just bringing that up once and dismissing it is not effective. All and all this poem has a good idea but needs a little polishing. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032

User avatar
41 Reviews

Points: 612
Reviews: 41

Wed Feb 06, 2013 3:17 am
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Supermeggs12 wrote a review...

Wow. Personally, after reading, I think this was written from a personal experience. It has a good message in it, is it about a teen's car crash?

Some parts about it seem very repeated. We get that the kids are dead, and I would've liked if you would have expanded on the lives of these kids. Who were their friends, and what type of lives did they live? How did people react to their deaths?

User avatar
115 Reviews

Points: 3008
Reviews: 115

Wed Feb 06, 2013 1:46 am
PixieStix wrote a review...

Hey, Welcome to YWS, and I'm glad to review your work.

This has a lot of potential, and I believe that you have based this story of of true events, either a relative's experience, or maybe your own?

Either way, this was inspiring and very delicately spoken, if you ask me.

I think Hannah covered almost everything, but I just wanted to point out one thing that I truly enjoyed that some people do not do.

Y-You capitalized your lines. *HUGGLES* I don't know about me, but I find that when people don't capitalize their sentences or stanzas or whatever, it annoys the living crap out of me and I love how you did this...

You, my friend, are awesome.


Random avatar
kais1993 says...

Sadly no it wasnt based around anyone i know or even myself i was just doing maths in class one day and well they say when your really bored or flying on auto pilot thats when the writers side of your brain escapes from that taped up box you put it in i just started writing and wa la here it is. And i totally agree with the captials that drives me crazy to. This is what my brain drops in my lap when i am not expecting it its crazy but fun. Its also when the characters in my head run rampant and drive me insane. Any way thanks for the review.

User avatar
1313 Reviews

Points: 23286
Reviews: 1313

Wed Feb 06, 2013 1:35 am
Hannah wrote a review...

Hey, and welcome to YWS. Be sure to explore and post some of your own reviews once you get the chance.

Let me dive into this piece, though.

Three young lives lost,
But searched for in vain,

This is the strongest part of the poem for me. For most of the time, you're just repeating "they died, they died, they died" over and over again, and the times when you try to go out to get something else ("At 18 he would have made a great dad") don't really ring real to me. That line, for example, feels odd because no one would really make a great dad at so young an age. But these two lines, in the quotes, evoke the feeling of everyone who knew about this tragedy. That idea of searching for something after its died is very poignant. You think they're just around the corner. You think if you cover enough distance you'll find them at the edge of it, but you won't. They're gone. This is powerful.

That said, most of this poem is not powerful as it is. That's okay, 'cause you can rewrite it. The poems are pretty subtle. None seem especially forced that I can recall from reading through once, so I'm pleased with that. But that's most likely because you used such simple words that you had a wealth of words to rhyme with. The poem's too explain-y. "They died, they died, they died, and here's how". I don't really need to hear it over and over. I think images would do this poem good; I liked the fact that you mentioned the color of the girl's shirt. That really brought that section to life, but the majority of this poem has no imagery.

Imagery can serve as an anchor in a narrative or philosophical poem. It gives the reader something to hang on to while they wade in the story or ideas, so it's pretty necessary here. Give us a sight. Don't you think seeing the crash site in real lief would be more powerful than hearing someone give you the sanitized version of it? In the same way, we want to see in this poem instead of be distanced from it. Then we might be so effected by it that it stays in our minds even afterwards.

Also, the name of the road is totally cheesy, but the idea that this narrator is kind of connected, that a guy she had a crush on died, is something to be elaborated on. Did she ever communicate it to him? Did she know the girl in green who was with him?

Give it more thought and time and it will be nice and poignant.

PM me if you have any questions about my review, please.

Good luck, and keep writing! See you around~

Random avatar
kais1993 says...

thanks for the review, i must confess this is my first larger poem so soome detail has been lost in the writing and i think that might be because it is based around a story that i have written to answer the question that stuck out to me she the narrator was the girl in the green sweater and it was her boyfriend that died she never got to say good bye. A major of why its so repetive is because she was there she lived it in a way its loosly based on her nightmares and what she sees everynight she dreams i hope this explains some of what you wanted to know

You won't know the outcome of something unless you try it.
— manilla