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The Walk

by Deadman


We walk this earth in pain

We walk it in happiness

We walk it in confusion

We walk it day to day

We walk it with many reasons

Though some do not know

There is a greater cause,

Then the one you’re thinking

You do not walk to live and to die

You walk it for the next generation

Make their walk better

Make their walk easier

Make their walk happier

Make their walk worth something to them...


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93 Reviews


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Reviews: 93

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Thu Feb 13, 2014 1:08 am
CesareBorgia wrote a review...



Cardinal CesareBrogia here for a review.

Nitpicks:
Since it is a poem, I don't have nitpicks because poetry is allowed to have grammatical errors. xD

Literary Comments:

one: this poem makes perfect sense to me. It adequately explains the every day troubles a human goes through.

two:I had wondered where you came up and/or how you came up with it until I saw your comment below. xD

Conclusion:

All in all this was great poem.

Best of luck in writing.

CesareBorgia signing out




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Tue Feb 05, 2013 3:40 pm
Audy wrote a review...



Hey Deadman,

I also love the ease and simple gait of this poem. I personally love the concept and idea behind it as well - I thought this poem was going to head in more or less the same direction, but I like where you took us, with the future generations and such, because it is very true and though provoking.

That being said, this poem tells us all that much, and it's okay, but my main complaint with this is that it doesn't capture our interest or imagination. Why not show us the walk, and let your readers experience it?

A lot of writers will tell you "Show, don't tell" and it's the same for poetry as well. Just like when you're writing prose, and you try to craft a scene - in poetry, we want scenes as well. The best way to do this is through imagery. And the best way to implement imagery is through metaphors, similes, and figurative language. You'll find these are actually fun to write, and they really stretch your creative muscles. I never used to like or appreciate much poetry when I was younger, but as I started writing it and improving them, I found writing poetry has helped my writing improve by leaps and bounds, especially when it comes to descriptions and setting the scenes and the moment, the tone, the mood, the atmosphere.

Where is the speaker walking? Is it the cracked concrete of a city, overshadowed by the towering skyscrapers before him? Is it the narrow, and seemingly endless dirt paths of a farm? Or perhaps, it is the carpeted and dimly lit corridor of a manor, those ancestral portraits staring out on both sides.

Right now you have a rough sketch. Now fill it in with colors and textures.

I hope this helps. Let me know if you want to chat this over, or if you have any questions. Best of luck with your writing endeavors!

~ as always, Audy




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Tue Feb 05, 2013 3:14 pm
Hannah wrote a review...



I like that you chose such a simple verb to focus on. It reminds me of different events I've seen at my school, like the walk of solidarity or the walk of oppression, different events meant to evoke the experience of oppressed groups. It is a verb of ease (most of us can walk) and of timelessness (from the time we learn until we are not able). It is a daily verb. We who can do it every day. And it is also, perhaps most importantly, a verb of motion. We move forward. This is essential to the message of your poem: a motion forward so that we can make the future roads easier for future generations.

That said, the verb is maybe the only strong part of this poem, the only thing that really, genuinely contributes to your message. Your repetition adds nothing to the poem. I understand that in your thinking you were connecting the reasons to walk, but readers would be just as happy to read:

We walk this earth in pain,
in happiness,
in confusion,
day to day,
with many reasons...

Does it take anything from your poem? Not at all. I think yes, you might want to keep some repetition, because repetition evokes the repetition of putting one foot in front of the other, but you can do it more artfully.

There needs to be more art in all aspects. Think carefully. Don't go for the first words that come to your mind. When you go deeper, you can hit more visceral emotions, and get the reader involved more easily. What does it make YOU feel that you have to walk for a generation you don't even know? How do we make it easier, worth something to them? Is our walk worth something to us?

I thought of this as reviewing, as an example to you.

Comparing literal to abstract might be useful. If we tramp a path in a bed of tall grass, we literally make it easier for whoever comes after us, because they just walk the already crushed grass instead of having to crush it as we do, coming first.

This might work to evoke the emotion of providing for future generations without stating it so explicitly. Or you might be able to come up with a better comparison, a better way of getting us to FEEL that charity toward the future rather than just telling us we have to.

I hope you understand what I mean and that this review is helpful.

If you have any questions, please feel free to PM me~

Good luck, and keep writing!




Deadman says...


I'll take this all into consideration next time, and this really makes sense. I'm not really god with poems, but this is something that came up in one of my dazes a few years ago, so I thought I'd post it.




“Writing fiction is the act of weaving a series of lies to arrive at a greater truth.”
— Khalid Hosseini, Author