Young Writers Society

Hey Mandapanda,

First thing I noticed - misspelling in the title! Haha, s'okay. It happens to the best of us. I'm glad to see that the rest of the piece didn't have too many spelling errors. There were some you'res instead of yours, and at one point, I saw "starred" instead of "stared" but nothing major. ^_^ Still, you'll want to get into the practice of proofreading your work before posting, because spell-check is not going to catch everything. I'm not saying this to ruin the fun of writing, or be naggy like teachers - but simply for the fact that whether you're writing for the reviewers here, or if you want to have a bigger readership someday, people will take you more seriously if the work you produce is free of basic grammar/spelling mistakes. And trust me, you definitely want for your work to be taken seriously!

There were a few run-ons and missing commas littered throughout. I would suggest combing through the piece. Proofread, proofread, proofread. Try to spot where you might need one.

So for example,

The door creaked open behind mecomma and I spun around in my chair quickly wishing hoping? secretly inside my head it would not be my father.

The above sentence is a run-on, and so you needed that comma there before the conjunction. Also, try not to overuse adverbs. It will make things easier when punctuating, plus - adverbs are useless. Really. You have the phrase "spun around in my chair" - that's a quick action, you don't need to tell us it she is thinking quickly. Unless she is having slow thoughts, thoughts are already quick.

Likewise, thoughts are already secret, and they're already encased in your head, so don't tell your readers what they already know. In addition to proofreading this piece for commas, I'd also try to spot all the adverbs/adjectives or phrases that you don't really need and then just cut it out of the piece.


So enough about the technical aspects. Let's talk story. I felt the story was a bit rushed, but I like the idea of a girl longing for her mother, and the changes that the family has to undergo. I really do get a sense that this family is loving and caring and they're just going through a really tough time, but it's a bit rushed. Take some time to really slow the pace down and create a scene.

Instead of having dad walk in, maybe show Lani trying really hard to make dinner for her dad, but he's not eating any of it? This will capture our attention more and make us care for the characters a lot more than just telling us that he hasn't eaten.

I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any other questions or want to chat this up. Best of luck with your writing endeavors.

~ as always, Audy

Hi! I found this piece good, but it is not quite great yet...

First of all, 'Loosing' should be 'Losing' in the title. Also the line:

My imaginary voice was weak with emotion. “I’m not a baby Mama,” I spoke out loud this time, sounding as if I was not a 15 ½ year old, but rather, the three year old I saw on the page...

is a little awkward sounding to me. I would reword it to something like this:
My imaginary voice was weak with emotion. "I'm not a baby, Mama," I said out loud. I did not sound like the 15 and a half year old I was, but rather the three year old I saw in the picture.

I don't know. You could have it any way you want it.

When you say this:

“Oh Marlo,” I sighed, “She still loves you,”

Have the second comma in the quotations be a period.

Here:

his eyes filled heavier with bags.

should be:
his eyes grew heavier with bags.

Father doesn't need to be capitalized, unless he's a priest or you are saying something like my Father, John. Otherwise it would just be father. (I think.. )
I added a comma to this sentance to make it:

Father’s old, fun loving personality.

I touched his hand and somehow the images of the games we used to play teleported into his mind.

They teleported to his mind or Lani's mind?

All in all, great story! there are many great details that make it better to read!
-Iki