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It is no fun at all

by littleMonkeygirl


Why it is no fun at all
 
He left just as he came
But oh, what a difference did he make!
For though he blinded both my eyes
He left me quite awake
I had never thought to feel those thoughts
For they are far too absurd
So I never spoke a single thing 
I never spoke a word
And as the time is going on
And change is all about
My lonely heart is longing still
For him to find me out
For all along I’ve known this guilt
This burden in my soul
To love someone who loves another
Why, It is no fun at all 


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Thu Feb 07, 2013 8:49 pm
InfinityAndBeyond wrote a review...



Hi! I'm a fairly new member of yws, so i'll try my best to review your poem as well as i can and hopefully it makes sense :D

I like your idea of this poem, it's realistic and its also what the reader could relate to it. I like that it's described pretty well throughout.
But, there are some things i'd like to adress which might help improve your poem further.

Firstly, your second sentence, "But oh, what a difference he did make!"
I find this sentence very awkward, it doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of your poem, it took away the serious emotion and don't use exclamation marks, ever, only when necessary.

For the line, "for though he blinded both my eyes" the line is okay, i would just make a mino change;
"Although he blinded both my eyes"

I do really like these lines;
"My lonely heart is longing still
For him to find me out"

They're good because you actually want the other person to find out.

Overall good poem, hope i helped.

- Infinity x






thank you - i found you review insightful, refreshing and eye opening - i appreciate it...you gave me suggestions with out asking me to change the content and meaning of my poem and for that i thank you - will reference your suggestions in the future



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Wed Feb 06, 2013 1:42 am
Hannah wrote a review...



What's awesome about this is that your rhymes are fairly subtle, so they work well. You also choose words and phrases that describe the situation with emotion and in ways that garner interest from readers without giving away precisely what this guy is doing until the end. I love that your phrases are so clear:

For though he blinded both my eyes
He left me quite awake


Love makes you blind, but at the same time you've realized new things.

My lonely heart is longing still
For him to find me out


You know something, but you refuse to bring it up or mention it, 'cause maybe either you did once and he got angry or you're waiting for him to own up to it on his own.

I mean, this poem gets the point across really well.

The problem is that the rhyme and especially the title and the last line dismiss the material contained within. It makes it sound childish or unimportant, you know? Like a jumprope rhyme. No one cares about what material is in the lines, just that it keeps the rhythm. Add the "why" and using such a belittling word as "fun" to describe the pain makes me feel like you don't want me to remember this poem afterward, like you want me to dismiss it as a bunch of rhymes that worked well. You are sabotaging the potential for readers to get hooked in your poem and hold onto it.

PM me if you have questions about this review, please.

Good luck and keep writing!




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Tue Feb 05, 2013 8:47 pm
guineapiggirl wrote a review...



Hello! Guineapiggirl here to review! But firstly, welcome, welcome, welcome to YWS! The most awesome place on the internet! I hope you're enjoying yourself here!
Now, for your review! This is a lovely little piece! I think everyone can relate to this and has felt like this at some time or another, and I think you've really captured that feeling really well. So bravo on that.
I also think that your rhyme scheme, quite a difficult one, really works.
hardly any of the rhymes feel forced, and it's only going back over that i can see them.
One that did pop out at me was this line:
But oh, what a difference did he make!
Normally you'dd say what a difference he made, but that wouldn't fit your rhyme scheme, or your rhythm. I know I always do things like that in poetry and it's so hard not to but, if you can possible find a way of doing it so it's not so awkward, that would be great. You know, made and awake sort of half rhyme. And awake isn't the best word there anyway. Alert would be better.
I quite like your title and last line. I think it's a sort of different insight into the subject.
One more thing I really liked about this was the old-fashioned, lilting (?) sort of feeling of it.
Anyway, in conclusion, well done! Nice little piece. Any questions or want another review, just send me a message. :D




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Tue Feb 05, 2013 6:41 am
Morrigan wrote a review...



Hi there, littlemonkeygirl. Welcome to YWS! It's great to see another new face around.

Unrequited love is quite a subject. Lots of people can relate to it.
Watch out, though. Since lots of people relate to it, many poems have been written about it. And since many poems have been written about it, the subject becomes tired and cliche. You really need something in your piece to stand out if you're going to talk about unrequited love.

The first suggestion for change I'll make is to use more punctuation. It's not particularly difficult to see where one idea begins and the next one ends, but it would feel better for me if you did use more periods and commas.

He left just as he came
But oh, what a difference did he make!

I think you should reword these lines a little. They feel clumsy as they roll off the tongue. \ Also, the exclamation point only makes it seem more cheesy.



I appreciate the rhythm you try to instill in your poem. It gives it an almost antique feeling. However, your rhyme scheme is included in this rhythm, and some of your rhymes sound a little forced.
But oh, what a difference did he make!
For though he blinded both my eyes
He left me quite awake

The rhyme between make and awake feels forced. Just because someone's blind doesn't mean that people assume they are asleep. You put in that line for the sake of the rhyme. Don't do that. Never let the rhyme scheme control your words. If it makes a rhyme naturally, great. leave it in. But as we see here, forcing a rhyme never gets anyone anywhere. This line doesn't develop the poem. It only exists to serve the rhyme.

I had never thought to feel those thoughts

I'm not sure what you mean here. "I never thought about liking him before" or "I never thought I would feel guilty before" are the only two meanings that come to mind. This line confuses me (maybe it's because I need to go to bed. Disregard me if I'm missing something obvious).

My lonely heart is longing still
For him to find me out

I think these are my favorite two lines. I like them because of the sentiment expressed. Not in many poems do you find that the author talks about their desire to tell him but not being able to. Nice.

You should also put more specific imagery into the poem. You say that he's blinding. But I can't see him. I want to see blinding beauty, too. Make sure you write specific examples of this boy's appearance (metaphors and similes are your best friends here, too. Use them).

Again, you have a nice meter. Just work on putting in images and not forcing rhymes, and you'll do well. I hope this review was helpful. Happy poeting!




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Tue Feb 05, 2013 4:57 am
Trident wrote a review...



Hello littlemonkeygirl, welcome to YWS! I'll just try to give a few pointers here:

He left just as he came
But oh, what a difference did he make!
For though he blinded both my eyes
He left me quite awake


Your start here is a little weak. I don't mind the first line, but the last three aren't very strong. Especially that second line, is there really a need for the exclamation? It's out of place.

Poetry with conflicting moods

You have a poem here where I'm not sure what exactly you're trying to accomplish. It leans at times toward ringing loss and sing-songy goofiness and it's not working combining the two. I've never been adverse to meter, but here the meter only adds to the silliness of the poem. Your subject matter is confused.

And as the time is going on
And change is all about
My lonely heart is longing still
For him to find me out


These lines really show where romantic poetry can start to veer toward the over-sentimental. Speaking about longing-hearts doesn't help us a readers to understand anything. It just states things and doesn't give us a story. We need some image, some passion. Explain what caused such heartbreak, not that you simply were heartbroken.

For all along I’ve known this guilt
This burden in my soul
To love someone who loves another
Why, It is no fun at all


I think this is another example of your mixed messaging. It's not translating because we don't know whether we are supposed to laugh or cry? Are you trying to be serious or not serious? Surely there are ways to merge the two, but here it's really not working. Perhaps with a story and some great imagery you can accomplish that, maybe even some nice wordplay. But for now, it's a bit of a mess.

Feel free to contact me if you'd like to discuss anything further.




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Tue Feb 05, 2013 4:42 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi Monkey and welcome to YWS! Enjoy the site and PM me if you have any questions!

I'm going to have to second dogs here about both the grammar and the content. I generally recommend capitalizing and punctuating as in prose unless there's a good reason (which I don't see here)

Here's the thing: Nearly everyone has experienced unrequited love (yours truly included), and so we all want to write about it (again, yours truly included). The challenge, then, is to put a unique spin on this topic and avoid cliches. I think this would be easier if you ditched the rhyme scheme. Instead, focus on images. What sights, sounds, smells come to mind when you think of this person? How can you show this to the reader in a way we haven't seen before (e.g. no "crystal blue eyes")?

For though he blinded both my eyes
He left me quite awake


To end on a positive note, I liked this couplet, as it gives me an image. I might play with this. For example, what did he blind you with?

Again, welcome, and I think if you're willing to go deeper with this and give us imagery it could be better. Keep writing! :)




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Tue Feb 05, 2013 3:32 am
dogs wrote a review...



Hello there monkey! Dogs here with your review today. Okey dokey so we gots lots to talk about here with this piece. First and foremost WELCOME TO YWS! I do hope you enjoy your time here and if you ever need any help or a review on something you post let me know and I'll help you out :).

Ok moving on to the important stuff, firstly... grammar.... grammar grammar grammar. The word we all hate but have to live with. Yes you have leniency in poetry to use grammar or not use grammar, but I argue especially in this piece that grammar is essential in order for the reader to properly be able to read the flow your intending. Other wise it looks sloppy and is difficult to read. Furthermore, you do not have to capitalize the beginning of every. single. line. I'm also not a huge fan of this writing style because it just looks boring in my opinion. Visually ups and downs is far more exciting then look at the same thing every time. So only do capitals with "I" and after periods.

Your poem here is missing some pizzaz! It's missing some spizzle and spice! You as the writer need to make the reader see what your trying to create and make the reader feel what you character is feeling. That is your first and primary goal as a writer, without either of those your poem will fall off and lose it's power. You need to make use feel what you're feeling, what did this boy do to your heart? How does it make you feel? Has your heart cracked like glass and then shattered, leaving splinters inside of you? Something more powerful, make us feel your pain.

This poem just needs a little SPICYNESS! With imagery and emotion. Then it will be on the right track. Try to make us see what the boy you feel in love looks like, why did you fall in love with him? These are things you need to elaborate on. Let me know if you ever need a review and Keep up the good work!!!

TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032





You are beautiful because you let yourself feel, and that is a brave thing indeed.
— Shinji Moon