Angel
Wings tattered and torn
Feathers sodden and stained
Bones brittle and broken
Heavy from being dragged through the
Mud.
Skin transparent and sagging
She's ghostly white and paper thin
Her armor loose, her shield too heavy
She loses them to keep moving
Only thin material, cotton, shields her from the elements.
Fighting an endless war, pointless if you ask some
She kept her sword, made of steel and sharper than-
Keeping up the battle, alone as she is
Defeating enemy after enemy
Setting fire to camps that were overrun by the infestation
Victories are many.
One cold evening, as she was ripping apart one unlucky threat
God himself spoke her name
And she raised her face to the light, sweat, blood, and tears dripping
She fell, her sword still clutched tight, still poised to fight.
Somewhere in the distance she heard
Trumpets leafed in gold and hooves thundering
She's on her knees now, the head, the bloody head of an enemy
Still, its hair, entangled in her weak fingers, she closes her eyes
And sighs a resounding victory, the final one after 18 years of combat
"I'm through." She whispers and her mind goes bleak
Her frail body gives in to the tired, and she's dead.
---------------
Another angel, sensing her mother has left this land, awakens
From her slumber
Her own wings are dark and stained
From her own defeats and victories, but
She is not weak, she is not spent
And though tears may dampen her lashes
She will rise when she is called to action
To continue to fight in her mother's absence.
The war is never ending.
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137,476 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Hello Dizzy! Dogs here with your review today. Ok so good poem you have here, it's a great start. I like the fact that this piece is more of a story with a poetic touch to it. I don't see that very often in writing any more so It's always good to see newer stuff like that. A big underlining problem I noticed was firstly the rhythm, you start off with great flow with the short and simple lines, but you start to loose it when the lines get longer and longer. You can also help shorten lines with contractions, so instead of saying "she is" every time you can say "she's."
Ok great opening here, I like the first little part and your description of the angel, your imagery is very good here and the flow is great. You get into trouble when you say: "being dragged through the/ mud." that just one word line totally throws off the excellent rhythm you've created. Either add it to the previous line or cut it out.
"She looses them to keep moving"
This line just sounds awkward. I want to say just cut it out but the next couple lines in your poem depend on these words, try to rearrange the wording here to make it flow a little more smoothly.
"made of steel, sharper than-/ keeping up the battle"
This just sounds really wierd and does not make any sense. How can a sword be sharper than keeping up the battle? It's entirely non nonsensical. Thats something you need to clarify for the reader in order to create the picture you want us to see.
In the Angel's death I want to see something a little more dramatic, either she crumbles and turns to dust or maybe into a statue of guidance or maybe she disintegrates into light. I dunno something a little more climatic then "she just died."
Ok if a new Angel is waking up from her slumber to carry on her mother's battle, how is her own wings dark and stained from her defeats and victories. In the poem you're setting up the fact that these angels are just manufactured to crush the enemy. So I believe she should have no experience with any of that as she's waking up. So it's just instinct and natural wit for her to fight for God.
Ok, good beginning but weaker ending. The last stanza is very jumbled and the flow is very slow. I don't really have a clear image of the new angel so that's something you need to establish for the reader. All and all it's a relatively good piece in need of some polishing. With a little work this can be a masterpiece. Let me know if you need another review any time. Keep up the good work!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Yeah my mother wasn't really an angel and I didn't want to put more emphasis on how she died, more as to how she lived, because she was in fact fighting an endless war.
And I put the - there to show that there wasn't anything sharper than her blade...
Alright, so first of all I think you should write a story. I read this and couldn't quite bring myself to love it as a poem, but I think it would be a beautiful story. Then again, I'm more of a novelist and like knowing all the details behind every story. I'm not great with short one piece of the whole picture things.
As a poem, I think something that would help is rhythm. I really like when poetry has a set meter that gives a sense of, I don't know, happening? Since most of this is describing a battle, I think having a set meter (such as anapest, iambic, trochaic, dactylic, spondee: if you haven't heard of these you should google them. It's nice to know some of the "standard" ways to write poetry besides free verse). anyway, having a set meter could enhance the idea of the battle, since it gives the poem more... urgency. I could be wrong, but I felt like rhythm would help this poem. It didn't quite flow right for me.
Otherwise, you did have some good imagery, especially at the beginning as you described the angel.
Oh yeah, that reminds me, why is she fighting? What is this "pointless" war? What does she die for? The reader can't identify with the hero unless they know what the hero's motivation is. I won't feel sad about her death unless I know and agree with what she died for.
I hope this helped some and didn't seem like a harsh review. Overall I like the idea, and I do love the imagery. Keep writing, and if you do write a story about this or a follow up poem, feel free to write a link on my wall and I'd love to read it as well.
Thanks!
Actually its all just a metaphor of how my mother (R.I.P 12/30/12) died. She was fighting AIDS and cancers and everyone thought she would die from that disease but she died from a heart attack soooo.....yeah
Waa shivers all over as I read this!
It sounds slightly better if you put: " some may say pointless"Hey dizzy, Auxiira here to review your poem!
I really can't find much to say apart from maybe the restructuring of a few lines, such as:
-
- the repetition of "one is slightly awkward here.
- "Its hair still entangled in her weak fingers" sounds better.
Other than that, I love the imagery and adjectives used in this poem, and as I said: "look goosepimples!"
Hope this helps!
Auxiira^^