Hello mihavisan,
Panda here to review as requested! You've already had some pretty detailed reviews, so I'll keep this brief.
This is good. The description at the start was really effective, it helped paint a beautiful picture in your mind and really caught your attention. I like the raw imagery you've used to describe the setting, it's a great contrast to the rest of the story and helps you understand why the animal feels so trapped. You've also really shown the history of the animal through a short description and it helps you better understand why it feels that way, it doesn't try and make you figure it out, sometimes it's nice when the author shows a bit of direction rather than leaving the reader to try and figure it out.
I think you still need to develop the writing in terms of feeling like it is the animal's point of view. What you've attempted is difficult in itself, it's hard enough to pinpoint the feelings of a human sometimes let alone trying to guess how an animal would react in a situation. It isn't entirely realistic in that sense. It feels rushed like these are feelings the animal is experiencing for the first time which doesn't seem very probable. For the animal to experience such powerful emotions they would have had to have been angry and trapped for years. Try explaining this through your writing, put us in the mind of the animal- so to speak.
Next I think this would work better if you gave more clues to what was going on. I understand this is a prequel so it wouldn't work to tell the reader the entire plot and exactly what was going on, but it would be nice if it was a little easier to understand. Clear your mind from all your knowledge of the story and try reading it as if for the first time. It's likely you'll notice how complex it is. Even if you don't want to reveal the plot try telling us a bit more about the narrator- who are they? How are they feeling right now? Let us know so we can enjoy the story even more.
Now some nit picks and specifics;
bursts of sweet joy
drops of water sparkle for a moment in the sunlight, before falling and soaking him wet
This is almost too sweet, it makes the scene feel almost unreal. I don't think an animal would actually appreciate the water sparkling in the sunlight, so much as freedom or room to roam. I also don't think an animal would experience sweet bursts of joy, so much as wild freedom or excitement. Try keeping it simple and real, what would an animal actually appreciate and find appealing?
Somebody pokes his cheek hard – if only his brother would quit it. One more shove – a powerful one, this time – and he’s back in the present.
A shout makes him snap back to reality
Again I've heard it's unrealistic. No one actually gets shoved back to the present by some one else. It's more a matter of the person experiencing something that catches their attention. You've used these little phrases twice just in this piece, focus on leaving out things like that, the rest of this writing is really original so don't spoil that with cliche phrases. Stick with your own style, that's what people want to read about more than anything else.
Those were the two main things I really noticed with your writing and the rest of the reviewers have already covered most of the small details to fine tune, so I won't bore you with more little details.
Overall I really enjoyed reading this piece. I know I've been blunt with my review, but that's only because I can see you've got tons of potential and I really want to see you improve even more. I really enjoyed reading something so creative and original. I liked the excellent descriptions and the twist at the end was also really nice to see. You already know that I like your writing, so I won't go on and on, but believe me this is really good and something I really enjoyed reading. You've got talent and I encourage you to keep exploring all different areas of writing and keep finding out your strengths and improving your weaknesses.
Nice job! You know who to come to if you ever want a review. Keep up the awesome writing.
From EnchantedPanda <3
Points: 8102
Reviews: 107
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