Hi there, Courtney. Welcome to YWS!
This is an interesting concept. I think, however, it should be converted into a more poetic form if you're going to say it's a poem.
It has a rhyme scheme, but just because it rhymes, doesn't mean it's a poem. It's definitely more of a story.
In poetry, you're going to want to use less words for more effect. You're using many words, and while we know the story, I'm not particularly blown away by it.
Let's start by getting the basic idea and story. A girl is hit by a car and doesn't know she's dead (pretty cool story, by the way. Love the idea).
Now, when I write poetry, I tend to focus on the images. You might not write like that. You seem very story driven by the way you write, but a good poem includes both story and images. Let's start at the end, shall we?
You've got the image of a white sheet being pulled over a corpse, yes? Good start. It seems as though in your piece that the soul has already left the body. But what would happen if the soul was still attached? What if everyone knew the body was dead, but the soul was still feeling what was happening to the body?
Perhaps focus on the color. White sheets. What does white symbolize? Usually, white symbolizes purity, new beginnings. Here, however, it symbolizes death. Is death sterile here? Is death pure? As a poet, it is good to ask these questions of yourself, and focus on the answers you find in your words. Here is how I would write the last stanza (this is only an example. You're the poet, find your own answers to the questions you must ask):
Sheets shuffle softly over my skin.
It is time for my new beginning.
Cover my face, nurse, and leave.
You can see what's going on, right? (It's not very good; it was composed for an example on the spot) Try to create images with as little words as possible.
Good luck on your writing. I hope that this review was helpful. Again, welcome to YWS!
Points: 29096
Reviews: 862
Donate