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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hey, inkstainedhands! I'm Arc, and I'm here to review!
So, after I first read this I really did enjoy it. I think it was quite clever, and it flowed really well and just sounds really good, as in, no words out of place and stuff like that. I also enjoyed the language that you used, because it wasn't obvious, yet wasn't completely stupid either.
Now onto critiques. Firstly, I would call this a poem not really lyrics because there isn't really a structure. I know that some argue that poems and lyrics are the same, but yeah, I think that this is a poem. Secondly, all of your stanzas are the same, and if you wanted to put music to these wonderful words, you could vary the lengths of them to make it more interesting. Also, add a sort of 'section 2', or 'chorus' which is just a repetitive more catchy stanza to make this sound more like a song.
Overall, I really did enjoy this, please PM me with questions or if you want anything else reviewed!
Keep Writing!
-Arc
I remember in school, there was this one teacher who was completely sure that I was dark and troubled, because I wrote things like this (But not as good, because I was still in late primary school!!) But I think this kind of put me out of proportion!
Wow!
I found this really moving!
This bring a dark and troubled thought to mind.
My name is IzzyKat and i'm quite new to this too, but I've learnt that it is such a good site!
I kinda feel I have no place to put constructive criticism on you, but here it goes.
The first thing was, that, at first, I was confused on whether it was a dream or insanity. I found this compelling towards the end, and when I finished I just thought "Oh, that is what it meant!"
Then there was the "I wont look at the devils that live inside of me" So wait, were there devils inside of you? or are there devils inside of her? Or is she one of the devils inside of you?
And you said the "'Don't close your eyes,' she whispers 'I pretend I cannot hear'", Wait, slow down, she cannot hear, or she's asking you not to ignore her. I am not sure whether The first 'I' in "'I pretend I cannot hear'" Was a typo or purposeful.
I really like the repeat of the verses and I think this puts an awesome affect on it.
This may sound annoying to hear, but I really do not mean anything by it, and think its great! I kind of go of track, so if this is not making any sense anymore........
Um...
Your Welcome!
If this is your first post, its really going to be a successful site for you!!
IzzyKat
You have the right instincts. You repeat the strongest stanza (other than the one you started with). This is a compelling idea and I think it works well with the creepy vibe. You know, that weird thing where we, for some reason, think children's rhymes and chants go well with being creepily sung by child ghosts or something? I guess I have to think about that a little more to figure it out. Anyway, the rhyme and the rhythm lend to the creepiness of it. It makes me feel nervous, maybe because the rhyme makes me think a child is saying it, and since a child's in her head, these scary things happening to them get even scarier.
But I skimmed most of these stanzas, to be honest. You lost my attention here:
It brings absolutely nothing new to the poem.
The next few stanzas feel odd to me, too, that the speaker is talking about this little girl but pretending not to know about her in the morning? How can you speak but say you don't remember, but also not describe it as it's happening? It seems false.
I have to say, though, I feel a little creeped out. I had the idea of this little man who lives inside your head and comes out every night before you go to sleep, but you don't remember in the morning. And for this reason, I think the idea of forgetting is strong and you should keep it BUT the place in time and knowledge you talk about it from is not working with the message. Maybe make the voice more timeless. Right now it seems to be talking from morning, and in consciousness. I might try writing from it as it's happening, the realization that oh my god, I've done this before and I'm just going to forget in the morning.
I think the "every night she dies" repetition is good, but not paired with empty first-couplets, so move the story in those places. Don't just repeat "i'm so afraid" "i ignore her". We know you ignore her with "I shut my eyes". Because that's what she's asking you not to do. So that's redundant. You have only so many words to work with in a poem! Don't waste any of them~
I'd like to see an edit! c:
PM me with questions.
Good luck and keep writing!
This... is certainly lyrical. And one of the most amazing poems I've read.
I mean... Where did my manners go?
Hi, inkstainedhands! I am GeeLyria, and I am here to review your piece. But first, Welcome to YWS! I really hope you enjoy the website as much as I have! =D
This is definitely the kind of poem that I would memorize and save as story-telling for a scary night. It is ridiculously entertaining and thrilling! It flows perfectly and it is neatly organized, which I immensely appreciate. I am telling you, I wouldn't change a single word in this piece, and I am quite picky. e.e
However, I want to talk to you about uniformity! When it comes to the punctuation, I noticed that your piece is not exactly consistent. The second stanza is a good example of what I am trying to tell you.
This may sound lame, I know! However, it is important, because the more professional you are, the more serious they will take you and your writing.
That it's all I've got to critique, though. Hopefully, I've expressed myself correctly, but feel free to contact me if you have any questions. Keep writing! And posting. I really expect to read more from you soon.
~GeeLyria
Howdy doo Ink! Dogs here with your review of the day! Ok, so I think this has great potential in it. It's a wonderful idea and a great topic to write about. However, there are some things we need to expand upon.
Firstly, I like the rhyming, you make it work. Although sometimes it makes your lines seem choppy and forced. Which is the greatest risk you take in rhyming. Very few people can pull it off smoothly. Furthermore, you think your safe and she's the only one that is dying. So it appears that your character is actually in no peril at all, save for the cries of the mysterious little girl. Also I'd reaaalllyyy like you to expand upon how the girl sounds, is it a soft and silky voice followed by a shrilling scream that ripples your blood and freezes your heart? You need to make those points clearer, the imagery factor of the little girl can make this poem terrifying to read for the reader. Which should be what you're aiming for.
Also in stanza five and six you use "girl.. dies.." at the end of each stanza, which immediately throws off the rhythm you got going here. Trying to edit one of those out.
"or the scars upon her skin"
Here is huuggee potential for you to really do some epic describing. What do the scars look like, does she have dark blue eyes with one blood shot and a festering scar ranked across her face? Details man details! Thats what I'm looking for in here.
All and all this is a good piece but it's just missing some major descriptions. I want to see more imagery here. You do have good imagery but I want more, make me tremble in my seat while I read this because I'm so worried the little girl is going to come screaming at me at night. Let me know if you need any more reviews with anything, Keep up the good work!!!
TuckEr EllsworTh
Hello there, inkstainedhands, it's Omniyus here with a review for you! (Geddit? I rhymed? For poetry? Sorry, bad humor XDD)
My name is Omniyus, and I am here to read and review your poetry for you! So let's get started!
Very vivid lines here. Almost brought a tear to my eye just from reading it. Great job!
A very nice base line here. It igves that dynamic sense of mystery that every poet wants in their poems.
At the end of this, I wanted to write a story about who this girl is! Having her die every night because you ignore her and go to sleep, just to have her be revived to feel the horrors of dying again. Deep stuff, man.
I want to see more like this!
Omniyus
Thank you!