Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Science Fiction


Pillboxed 8 (16+)

by Hannah


I was surprised to feel myself react to his touch. It must have been weeks since he last brushed his hand over my skin, because what he did made warm sparks shoot through my core and buzz in slow circles along the back of my neck. I felt then that there was something cold and steel that formed the center of me, that he was holding and turning over in his hands. He swept me up, arms crossing my back, hands tight on my hips, and his lips pushed warm breath into my ear.

Gautam: he was a man with valleys between his muscles and curves along the bones of his pelvis. I felt them with two of my fingers and felt a vague memory come back to life. This was a man who looked like the man I had stood next to on our wedding day. This was a man who looked like the man I had held in my arms that evening. The man who had changed the sheets when we discovered blood there, long before we ever said the word wedding between us. This man looked like that man – were they the same?

With his pants down and discarded, I saw that he had more hair than I remembered. It was deep, like sticking my hands into warm water and feeling the bottom of the sink. I combed through with my finger nails and pressed my lips to his neck to remember how much my lips could feel. The steel inside of me warmed and warmed and burned, and when he pressed me apart, it cracked and everything fled from inside of it. I would swear I saw small black wisps float up into the corner of the tent, out of my mouth and my eyes, but I could not be sure when his tongue slipped into me and for the first time in a very long time I had the urge to tell him that I loved him, but my neck was so far curved that maybe I would not have been able to speak.

When he told me he did not have protection, I laughed. I felt my lips spread so that they pushed at the bottoms of my ears.

“I don’t care,” I told him.

We sat up and wrapped around each other and moved slowly. I heard voices from outside the tent, but I was the only one who could see anything here. I watched his eyelids spring open and shudder when we began again at last.

End.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
541 Reviews


Points: 370
Reviews: 541

Donate
Sun Feb 03, 2013 2:27 pm
View Likes
Lauren2010 wrote a review...



Ahh, I knew she would give into Gautam at the end. Of course, this is much different than I expected, and I like it a lot better than I thought I would.

I still hate Gautam, don't get me wrong, but he doesn't have the power here anymore. Not really. He is still in control of doing these things to Farah physically, but she is now allowing herself to give into those acts and letting herself feel them in a way that doesn't hurt and doesn't make her cringe. She is beginning again and seeking her new future, and another child of her own perhaps?

I do wonder what might become of them in the future. If Gautam will turn angry and abusive again (if they have another child or not), and if Farah will stay with them. If Anjali will ever come back into their lives, if she will grow older and try to find her lost mother and father. But I don't think we need to know these things, it's just me feeling connected to these characters as a reader. This is the best place, I think, to end this story.

The italics work really well here, I think. They contrast against everything else in the story, making this undoubtedly Farah's perspective and almost placing it in a different time and place than everything else. I don't really know why I feel that way, but it works and I'm not going to question in.

The only really big question I still have that reaches over almost the entire story is Anjali. It still bothers me that Farah hasn't given her old daughter a second thought (in relation to trying to find her or get her back) and completely gave her up after realizing she could replace her with some street kid. It seems so harsh for Farah, as if she's mentally askew in some way. I think I would believe it, but only if there was some evidence that she could never get Anjali back. That she didn't know really where she had been sent, that Gautam would never let her go find her child (and if she tried she'd risk serious harm), that she can't afford to travel to the place Anjali was sent. I just need something that realistically puts Anjali off the books for now.

Other than that, beautiful piece and beautiful story in whole! I'm so glad I started reading it, and got to see what a wonderful writer you are! Keep writing beautiful things, my dear, and if you'd ever like a review from me feel free to drop a note my way. <3

-Lauren-




User avatar
890 Reviews


Points: 33
Reviews: 890

Donate
Sun Feb 03, 2013 12:41 pm
View Likes
PenguinAttack wrote a review...



NO. Oh Farah nooo. No.

:( I just knew you'd do this to me, Hannahbobannah. I just KNEW she would give in to Gautam, even if this isn't giving in. This is giving at it's best, she is giving to him and I don't even know if he understands what that means. He probably doesn't because he isn't giving to her, not really. She believes he is because he is touching her and making these things happen insider her heart and belly, but really he is taking.

I hate Gautam, did I tell you that? ;)

I like the use of italics here, because it's beyond clear that this is now her perspective. She isn't some outside watcher, dispassionately, and passionately attending to what's happening to these characters. Now Farah is existing inside her own live and experiencing it. That is a wonderful thing and I approve, even despite Gautam being Gautam. I wonder if he knows she doesn't care if he has protection because she will maybe have a baby and then she will really be happy once more. I don't know how she just...isn't doing anything about Anjali. I understand, really, because Anjali couldn't possibly be around Gautam after what happened, but it still makes me sad. It also makes me sad because they didn't even get to talk, which is bizarre and unfair and I hate it.

I think that your mixture of imagery and grounding works here as well, I like that we slowly moved to this even point of expression and content, if that makes sense. Here we have the event and it has the sheen of poetry but it isn't saturated (ala the Tiger scene) and that works perfectly toward the balance Farah has been trying to meet. It makes me think that Farah will be okay, she is beginning again. Even if it is her relationship which is beginning again, that is something for her to look forward to and move with. The lack of her mother, Anjali and trusting Gautam is a difficult thing to overcome and we know she can't and won't, but here she's accepted a bit. Though cause of Gautam, I will note he's taking advantage of her sad state!

This was a wonderful story, one which I delved into very happily. I need to review the first of these parts, but this is a very good ending. It's not the one I wanted, but it is the one which is right, and which fits. Thank you for writing this wonderful piece.

~ <3





You are all the colours in one, at full brightness.
— Jennifer Niven, 'All the Bright Places'