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consequenses

by lilyflower45


Each time you look,
I have fallen more
You act like were over,
But im never sure.

I shouldn't be here now,
You've hurt me again
And now all you want
Is to just be "friends"

But this time im done,
For this one youll pay
You'll face consequences
No matter what you say

Can't talk your way out,
Like you did before,
So turn around,
Walk out the door.

This time i'm strong
Enough on my own,
I don't need you
Because HE brought me home


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34 Reviews


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Sun Feb 03, 2013 9:04 pm
Sparkle wrote a review...



I think that this poem is very powerful because it is about a feeling that so many people can relate to. The rhymes didn't seem forced or awkward. I could feel tha passion and feeling in this peice while reading it.
However, I found the grammatical errors and lack of punctuation a bit distracting. It was hard to focus on the poem when the flow was interrupted. I don't have much more to add to what the reviewers before me said, so I'll just say that I agree with the comments made by Wherethewindgoes and niteowl. There is a lot of improvement that can be made here, but you have a really good base and a handle on rhyming that is very impressive.




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Sun Feb 03, 2013 7:42 pm
InfinityAndBeyond wrote a review...



Hi, This is a very well written poem i'd suggest instead of writting "were" its "we're" and you'll* I'd have liked to see more descriptive words which would have made the poem more effective but overall it's good,


InfinityAndBeyon x




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Sun Feb 03, 2013 4:15 am
Wherethewindgoes wrote a review...



This is a very interesting poem. I think you did a good job of not making the rhymes seem forced on most occasions. I'm not especially good at reviewing the content of poems, so I'll try to be helpful by critiquing the specific structure of the poem.

Each time you look,
I have fallen more
You act like were over,
But im never sure.


This only needs some punctuation corrections. A lack of punctuation is sometimes used in poetry, but if you do use it, make sure to be consistent. Here, there should be a period at the end of the second line. There should also be an apostrophe in "were" and "Im"(which should also be capitalized).
Also, I'm not sure about the line "I have fallen more." More would imply more times. Don't you mean "I have fallen further"? Although, I don't know what would fit here to rhyme with further, so...perhaps "more" is OK.

I shouldn't be here now,
You've hurt me again
And now all you want
Is to just be "friends"


There should be a period at the end of the second line, or else at the end of the first and a comma in the second. In the fourth line, I would suggest swapping "just" and "to" in order to make the syllables fit better.

But this time im done,
For this one youll pay
You'll face consequences
No matter what you say


You should add a period at the end of the second line, I think. Also, you should capitalize "I'm" and add an apostrophe to that and "youll".

Can't talk your way out,
Like you did before,
So turn around,
Walk out the door.


In order to make the rhythm sound better here, I think more words should be added to the last two lines. Perhaps "just turn around" and "and walk right out the door", or something like that?

This time i'm strong
Enough on my own,
I don't need you
Because HE brought me home


There isn't much to change here except for capitalizing "I'm" and adding a period at the end of the stanza.

I wonder whether it would be better to cut out the second-to-last stanza. The transition from the third to the fifth, I think, would be smoother without the fourth. The fourth also doesn't having much meaning in it that the rest of the poem didn't already convey.

Well, there we are. This poem had a good structure with just a few tweaks necessary and did a good job of progressing through the writer's thoughts. Good luck with any future poems!




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Sun Feb 03, 2013 4:15 am
Epicdonkalous says...



Hey there!

Well to begin, relationships ( which I am assuming this is about) is an extremely common topic. I think that if you are going to do that, you must try to make it as original as possible.

That being said, I could feel the emotion in this. I do think you could sue more vivid, stronger words to really convey what the narrator is feeling, which comes off as anger mixed with happiness, along with a bit of vengefulness.

Now, your grammar and spelling needs a bit of work. In the first stanza, the third line, it should be "we're", "we are", or "we were". In the next line, it should be "I'm". In the third stanza, first line, "I'm", then the second line "you'll".

Hm, the way you ended it leaves a lot to be desired. Who is the he? Why is only mentioned now?

Overall, I think you could really have something great, if you use stronger words, and brush up on your grammar.

Keep writing!

~Epic




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Sun Feb 03, 2013 3:44 am
Questio says...



In the first stanza, third line, I think you meant "we're over," not "were over." Other than that, I like it (enough to reveiw it, at least [I don't mean that in a mean way]).




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Sun Feb 03, 2013 3:43 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi lily! While you pulled off the rhyme scheme pretty well, I feel like you sacrificed content and original imagery for it. There's very little that hasn't been done before in here: the break up, "just friends", walking out the door, having a better man now. Therefore you have to be more interesting in how you portray them. You could compare the ex to the new man--what does he do that "you" didn't? Or you could outline these "consequences" more clearly. Use images to show us the story rather than tell us. Let us see him hanging around after you've supposedly broken up, hear his pleas for reconciliation, feel your skirt whip around as you turn your back on him, smell the cologne of a new man who does everything he didn't. Being more specific will be more engaging to the reader because it's a new spin on something they've heard before.

On a more minor note, the title should be "consequences" and you have several other spelling errors (mostly missing apostrophes). Try to proofread before you post.

Though this idea has been done before, I think you can put your own twist on it to make it stand out. I'd suggest playing with free verse and using concrete images. Keep writing! :)





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