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Immortal Forever

by Omnom


I clutched the small piece of paper to my chest. This was the last one, I knew that for sure, and hopefully it would be the best one yet.

My shaking fingers led themselves into my pocket, almost naturally, and found the small drive used to open the note. It left my pocket with a whisper, mocking the wind that was silently flowing across the outcrop of rock I was on.

I looked down absentmindedly and saw the roaring sea below. My heartbeat skipped a step out of fear. I knew, though, that there was nothing to be afriad of. My heart slowed to fall in beat with the waters below. I smiled, almost childlike. There was a small hope that I would make it through this, and, even though that was foolish, I used that idea to fuel my thoughts as I skimmed the drive across the scanner. The note roared to life, as if for a moment nothing had ever happened and everything was fine and that I would live through this.

The note dimmed down as the truth came about. It was a letter, at last! The text was in a dark blue, which blended in with background in areas, but it was clear to me, like a full moon was clear in a cloudless night.

There was no one around, but I read it aloud anyway.

"My dearest:

I do not have much time to type this. It will be dawn soon and all of our attempts are doing nothing. Mercury is already gone and Venus will soon be enveloped.

I write this to you in haste, then. I watch as the brilliant glory of the sunrise in Venus happens for the last time. I hope that this last remnant, this last memory of me wll make it to you, that I will make it to you in time.

I will not say how much I love you, for that is evident. I will not say how much I will miss you, for that is apparent. I will say, though, that I hope you make it through, and if you do, do not grieve for me, or anyone else, for they will stay immortal forever. In your heart and soul they will stay immortal forever. If you do not make it, then never forget that you will live on, that you will always live on. No matter what way you will, make sure that you do.

Alas, I see the oncoming day! The air is deadly still, like the calm before the storm. I hope that this reaches you. Thank you for all you have given me. "

The note dimmed out of life. A single tear rolled down my cheek and fell into the roaring creatures of the sea below, who caught it with relish and with it carried that last tear shed on Earth.

"You will not be forgotten, my dear." A whisper, as gentle as a song, escaped my lips. "This is for you." I looked down at the waters below. Steam was coming off of the clear blue liquid and it was calm, as if in anticipation for what was coming next. I grinned. One last audience to listen to one last speech.

Light dimmed in, crossing the dark blue night sky with brilliant orange and yellow. I knew that the end was coming soon.

"My dear. I will never forget you. I will always remember you." The night sky was turning day far too quickly. A warm fog was settling over the sea, making the illusion of images in the waters. Images of people, crying and laughing, hugging and kissing, living and ultimitely dying. Still I spoke to them. "Your name will be carried through the winds of space and time." A gust of searing wind buffeted me and I could feel blisters forming along my skin, but still I continued. "And always remember, my dear. You, and everyone else dear to anyone, truly dear." The heat was visible now, scorching the sea before me. Still, the images stayed, as a last defense to my last testimony. I was determined to finish this. I opened my mouth and it instantly dried, but still I continued. "Remember ... You are ... Immortal Forever." I screamed. Nothing came out, but it was heard throughout space and time, for it will always be Immortal Forever.


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Sun Jul 28, 2013 12:20 am
StoryWeaver13 wrote a review...



Hey there Aquestioning! Okay, so I'll review this piece-by-piece, and then take some time to look at the story as a whole. Thoughts/corrections/blurbs will be in double-brackets.

"I clutched the small piece of paper to my chest. This was the last one, I knew that for sure, and hopefully it would be the best one yet." [[I'm a big fan of strong openings. This one is pretty average, although not painfully so, but I'm not sure that the second sentence is necessary, and I might have the first sentence simply flow into the next paragraph.]]

"My shaking fingers led themselves into my pocket, almost naturally, and found the small drive used to open the note. [[First, I don't think the fingers leading themselves is a great way of describing this. It's typically best not to animate a part of the body in such a way that it suggests control of the entire person (it just sounds kind of silly). Second, I'm not sure that "almost naturally" really makes a ton of sense. I mean, yes, I understand what you're saying, but it does nothing for the story. If it doesn't provide something useful in the story's development, cut it.]] It left my pocket with a whisper, mocking the wind that was silently flowing across the outcrop of rock I was on." [[You use a LOT of adverbs. Adverbs are my least favorite grammatical structure of words, and for good reason - they weaken whatever sentence you are trying to enhance. It often does the opposite of what you're intending by weakening the verb. So, in short, cut out your adverbs whenever and wherever possible.]]

"I looked down absentmindedly and saw the roaring sea below. My heartbeat skipped a step out of fear. [[Skipped a step? Hmm, a bit funny-sounding. Also a little cliche.]] I knew, though, that there was nothing to be [[*afraid]] of. My heart slowed to [[beat]] with the waters below. I smiled, almost childlike. [[Try to avoid describing your own actions, as it can sound unnatural.]] There was a small hope that I would make it through this, and, even though that was foolish, I used that idea to fuel my thoughts as I skimmed the drive across the scanner. The note roared to life, as if for a moment nothing had ever happened and everything was fine and that I would live through this."

"The note dimmed down as the truth came about. It was a letter, at last[[*. No exclamation marks, either! Our brains will more frequently read it as anger or a kind of maudlin excitement rather than properly accenting the emotion you're trying to portray.]] The text was in a dark blue, which blended in with background in areas, but it was clear to me, like a full moon was clear in a cloudless night." [[So I get what you're saying, but you could probably say it in a better way than "blended in with the background in areas." It just doesn't sound...I dunno, clear?]]

There was no one around, but I read it aloud anyway.

"My dearest:

I do not have much time to type this. [[If it was typed, why is it in blue instead of black?]] It will be dawn soon and all of our attempts are doing nothing. Mercury is already gone and Venus will soon be enveloped.

I write this to you in haste, then. I watch as the brilliant glory of the sunrise in Venus happens for the last time. I hope that this last remnant, this last memory of me [[will]] make it to you, that I will make it to you in time.

I will not say how much I love you, for that is evident. I will not say how much I will miss you, for that is apparent. I will say, though, that I hope you make it through, and if you do, do not grieve for me, or anyone else, for they will stay immortal forever.,[["Immortal forever" is a little redundant.]] In your heart and soul they will stay immortal forever. If you do not make it, then never forget that you will live on, that you will always live on. No matter what way you will, make sure that you do.

Alas, I see the oncoming day! [[So the theme indicates future, and I feel as though the "Alas" doesn't quite fit. It seems off, and very out of place.]]The air is deadly still, like the calm before the storm. [[Would probably be worded better "The air is still with the calm before the storm" or something similar. In any case, take out "deadly," because it weakens the sentence; keep it a bit blunt, and you'll find that it will have a greater emotional impact.]] I hope that this reaches you. Thank you for all you have given me. "

...


"My dear. I will never forget you. I will always remember you." The night sky was turning [[to]] day far too quickly. A warm fog was settling over the sea, [[creating]] the illusion of images in the [[water]]. Images of people, crying and laughing, hugging and kissing, living and [[ultimately]] dying. Still I spoke to them. "Your name will be carried through the winds of space and time." A gust of searing wind buffeted me and I could feel blisters forming along my skin, but still I continued. "And always remember, my dear. You, and everyone else dear to anyone, truly dear." The heat was visible now, scorching the sea before me. Still, the images stayed, as a last defense to my last testimony. I was determined to finish this. I opened my mouth and it instantly dried, but still I continued. "Remember ... You are ... Immortal Forever." I screamed. [[Now, that might have been a good time for an exclamation mark, or in the least, a comma.]] Nothing came out [[might find a better way to word it, because it sounds clunky and odd]], but it was heard throughout space and time, for it will always be Immortal Forever." [[Alright, so I know you're trying to wrap it up with the title and such, but it's redundant. Find another way to word this, and it will be much more poignant.]]


Alright, so this may seem like a tough review, but I'm often a tough reviewer, and this is far from the worst that I've seen on the site. Remember that, when writing romance, you have to really dig into the authenticity of your characters and portray them in a unique light outside of the multitude of cliches littering this genre. It is so, so hard to write a good romance, because everything's been done, and redone, and re-redone. Emotional words, therefore, often lose their depth simply because they've been said so many times before and fail to come off as memorable. Remember to really create a relationship between your characters and find things that set their relationship apart. Emphasize the little things. Cram in sentimental moments and inside jokes. Really, it's all about the small things.

This has a lot of potential and I like the basic idea; just be sure to really allow your characters to find some dimension. Keep writing, and best wishes. xxx




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Sun Feb 03, 2013 7:54 pm
Veeren wrote a review...



Heyo Omniyus!
Hopefully I don't annoy you too much.

Spoiler! :
My shaking fingers led themselves into my pocket, almost naturally,


Fingers are fingers, not animals, silly. Maybe you could change it to this: I reached into my pockets with my shaking fingers.

Spoiler! :
It left my pocket with a whisper,


Silly omniyus, it did not whisper. Perhaps you could describe the sound it made with an actual onomatopoeia, though I can't image what sound you would hear.

Spoiler! :
My heartbeat skipped a step out of fear.


A heart does not step, it beats, silly.

Spoiler! :
and, even though that was foolish


The comma after the 'and' here is unneeded. It's just silly.

Spoiler! :
as if for a moment nothing had ever happened and everything was fine and that I would live through this.


This seems like a run-on when you look at it from the previous part of the sentence. It's not silly, it's just written awkwardly.

Spoiler! :
which blended in with background in areas,


Along with being in a confusing sentence, this part in particular seemed extra silly. You left out the word 'the' after 'with'.

I won't correct anything that was written in the letter (even though you have quite a silly misspelling) just in case you did something strange on purpose.

Spoiler! :
Immortal Forever.


Now this is indeed silly. Being immortal means living forever. Adding forever to the of it just sounds plain redundant.

Otherwise, great story my friend. While there were many silly mistakes, they can be amended quite easily.
Surprisingly, I didn't find the content of the story itself silly at all. So kudos to you.
Keep on writing :D




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Sun Feb 03, 2013 8:54 am
Hannah wrote a review...



I am here, my knight, as requested!

My shaking fingers led themselves into my pocket,


That's silly. They did not do that. Don't give life to random parts of your body that don't actually have that kind of life to them, okay? haha. This is a signal of poor writing as a result of trying to do better. I think you didn't want to just write "I put my hand in my pocket", but going this route instead made your writing seem a little ridiculous at this point. Watch out for traps like this. They're easy to fall into, and I have many times in the past.

I looked down absentmindedly and saw the roaring sea below.


Hmm, if he's far above the sea, how does he know it's roaring? Roaring is the sound, so if he can hear it, let him hear it. But if he sees it, you should use a word that evokes a visual image, not a sound. Like churning or roiling! (:

Mercury is already gone and Venus will soon be enveloped.


This is where I realize that something really serious is going on. I feel like, without reading any further, that this is the future where a really big atomic bomb went off and humanity has evolved and traveled enough to not just worry about earth, but other plan-- no... no the Sun? The sun is happening, isn't it? Ahhh!
But that makes me wonder about some things you wrote before:

This was the last one, I knew that for sure, and hopefully it would be the best one yet.


What's this in relation to? Best? Better than other ones? Best one yet also implies there will be more, but you say it's the last one. And if this is the end of the world, why were there previous ones? Did this couple know the end was coming?

that I will make it to you in time.


Stop it. This is brilliant. A couple across planets and when the tragedy happens it happens as terribly as to take one before the other, just by simply the way the universe is laid out. Ugh, and you have to look out across the planets and think about time in this weird way, when death is upon you.

I will not say how much I love you, for that is evident. I will not say how much I will miss you, for that is apparent.


Okay, but brave knight, this letter writing is terrible. Haha, maybe it's realistic, but it grates on me that she would say "I'm not going to say it, but I said it in describing it". I hate that stuff. Also, please totally kill the single tear. You have a very strong, potentially moving piece, and I wish you wouldn't cheapen it wish something like that.

fell into the roaring creatures of the sea below, who caught it with relish and with it carried that last tear shed on Earth.


Creatures? Suddenly? Also, the "who" makes me think of the creatures, but it seems like you mean the sea? 'Cause multiple creatures can't carry one tear, you know. Also, compared to the roaring sea, suddenly this is the roaring creatures in the sea? Also, oh god, please stop making it melodramatic, because it is powerful. Like, are you underestimating yourself and trying to cover it with sappy? Because you shouldn't be. This is a good love story without making it mushy.

That goes for the dumb (sorry! <3) speech at the end. That happens in tv shows and movies. Like the villain making a speech before they kill the hero. It would never realistically happen at that length. Why would he be motivated to speak at all? I need all that dialogue out, in a perfect world. I don't like the phrase you used either: immortal forever. Why? 'Cause immortal means NEVER dying, and that implies forever. The phrase is redundant.

A warm fog was settling over the sea, making the illusion of images in the waters. Images of people, crying and laughing, hugging and kissing, living and ultimitely dying.


I like the image in this sentence, but not the execution. I'd maybe fix it like this:

"A warm fog was settling over the sea and creating illusions in the waters: people crying, laughing, kissing, looking up at me." That gives him the sense of audience without the melodrama of "living and ultimately dying". You can do subtle. I know you can. Tone this WAY down! I like the way you describe every last thing as he dies, as the sun comes. I love especially the blisters you imagine, but it's spoiled by the melodramatic speech.

It's all empty, too. People love for specific moments. The time she came up behind him to hug him while he was washing dishes, or the way she ran her fingers over his cheekbone. It's hard to put into words, so many people fail and use the broad, general words you've put in his mouth: "forever. You are so dear. blahblah", but you can make it better.

I know this was for a contest, but this can be so much more. Like, I am sitting here and nodding my head with how enthusiastic I am about this once you trim off all the melodrama like fat from a cut of meat.

Please please please!! I want to see this piece shine. c:




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Sun Feb 03, 2013 4:24 am
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Kale wrote a review...



Hail Fellow Order member! Hopefully this time a sneaky Rydia will not rob me of a Green Room review. *grumbles and mutters and looks around shiftywise*

In any case, the first thing that caught my attention was how many adverbs you have in this. Adverbs are rather tricky beasts, and too many of them will actually weaken your writing, instead of aiding it. Most adverbs end in -ly, and so weeding out as many -ly words as you can and rephrasing things so that you're using more vivid verbs and precise nouns is the way to go if you want your writing to stand strong against the barrage of criticism!

Slaying all typos you happen to encounter is also a good idea, pesky little things they are. Especially seeing as how, despite their small stature, they can be quite damaging to the overall perception of your piece. There is one rather obvious typo in the letter, for instance.

With that said, the language of the letter felt unnaturally stilted. If someone were really writing a letter as they're watching the sunrise that will kill them, I don't think they'd be so eloquent or verbose, mainly because they likely would not have time to be so.

You also have the dreaded Single Tear. It is a most fearsomely overused cliche and should be put out of its misery like the sickly old nag it is.

As it stands, the ending feels quite weak, though I can't quite put my finger on why. I guess it's because, despite all the grandiose and dramatic language, the ending still comes across as being quite anticlimactic, because there's no time to feel any emotional impact. There's a grand speech, and then everyone's dead. Adding in a bit of pause before the final line would, I think, give your readers a chance to really let the significance of the speech and all that death sink in, and thus make them both more meaningful.

Right now though, there isn't much time for anything to really sink in at all.




Omnom says...


Thank you for the review!
You get a medal, since we're both knights!

I am planning on fixinf everything you said, I just wanted to point out that I wanted this that way because it's for a Valentine's Day Contest, so I wanted it to have no point at the end so I didn't have to post anything else :D



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Sun Feb 03, 2013 1:56 am
niteowl wrote a review...



Hello Omniyus! While overall, I feel like this is quite well-written, I feel it fails to answer enough questions to produce the suspension of disbelief required. Is this destruction referring to the dying Sun engulfing the inner planets? If so, I have trouble believing there would be time to transport messages between planets in that time, even if we do have much better technology in 4.5 billion years. Also, how is this lover surviving on Venus, an especially hot planet with lots of sulfuric acid in the air? Lastly, I didn't understand the paper and drive thing. If she can read the notes virtually (which I assume they can if they have such incredible space colonization technology), why is paper even involved? Surely that would be considered archaic to these advanced people.

The note dimmed out of life. A single tear rolled down my cheek and fell into the roaring creatures of the sea below, who caught it with relish and with it carried that last tear shed on Earth.


I absolutely loved this line.

Nothing came out, but it was heard throughout space and time, for it will always be Immortal Forever.


This ending line seems weak to me. The first part is fine, but you just said "immortal forever", so the second half is ineffective. Unfortunately, I can't think of anything that isn't cheesy to replace it with (references to star-crossed lovers, etc.), so I might just end it at "time". And for some reason I think "yet" should replace "but" (both fit grammatically, but "yet" emphasizes the contradiction of the statement better IMO).

Overall, this is a lovely story, but I feel like the premise is so illogical that it ruins it for me. Perhaps I am being too scientific about it, but I'd consider a little research into how this would go down. You definitely have a way with words though. Keep writing! :)




Omnom says...


Thanks fo the review!

Just to let you know that I am a knight, so you get a badge!

To let you on a little insight, I was saying that even though it was called paper in this time, it may not be the paper you think it is. It is actually a tablet like item, but it is called paper because of the time. So the note came to the drive instantly and she was the only one who could read it. She couldnt read it on the drive, so she had to put it on something.

Just think of it like getting a message on your phone.

And the man, he did die.



niteowl says...


I got that he died, but it seemed like he had been there for some time, which is why I was confused. Thanks for clearing up the "paper" thing!




There are darknesses in life and there are lights, and you are one of the lights, the light of all lights.
— Bram Stoker