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The Girl in the Darkness...

by CaptainFinick


She's there, right now...

As my eyes make a desperate attempt to slice through the darkness of the cold house that surrounded me they catch a glimpse of her. The girl.

I'm trying to make her out. Sight is difficult with such little light.

I can almost feel the darkness ebbing with fear and hatred...

But she has one distinguishing feature. One that scares me....

Her eyes. Beautiful but oh so dangerous.

Red like Ruby's and cutting into me like knives; cold, sharp and painful as hell.

I turn to look away. I think I've won, my back is too her.

Yet she appears before me once again.

I consider crying out and running. But what point is there in that? She would find me just like she always does.

A rivulet of cold sweat slithers down my forehead and I quickly brush it away. I blink.

That was all it took. My eyes closed for a split second. And when they open there she is.

She's stood right before me and now I can see her features in all their gory glory.

A young girl in a blood stained dress with straggly, bloody hair and a thin physique.

I let out and involuntary yelp, turn and run. I never stopped running.

Running from the girl in the darkness.


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Sun Feb 03, 2013 2:44 am
dogs wrote a review...



Hello there capitan! Dogs here with your review as requested. Alright so this looks like it's a good piece, I like some of your description and your idea is really good. There is a lot of potential in this piece. However, I find that it is essential in horror pieces to put an extra heavy emphasis on the imagery of everything.

"As my eyes make a desperate attempt to slice through the darkness of the cold house..."

Ok, this is a prime example of how you could use so much more descriptive words then "slice, darkness, and cold" describe the darkness, describe how it is completely black and how that makes your character feel. Can he see the silhouettes of other things or is it just straight black darkness? Furthermore try to describe the cold, the freezing mist making spider webs of frost immersing the windows. How does the cold make your character feel. Does it penetrate all protection and clothes, does it induce shivers or compulsive spasms? or does it have no effect at all on your character. These are things you need to elaborate on to create a clear picture in the readers head.

I like your description of the girl's eyes, well done. Although I hhhaattteee the extremely cliche and over used phrase of "cutting into me like knives" I have heard and read it so many times that it makes me clench my teeth every time I see it. I would suggest changing that out. Furthermore put more emphasis on what her cold and sharp eyes do to your character. How are eyes painful as hell? Clear up these questions and really make the reader freak out when he reads the part of the girl, the most terrifying thing you'll ever come across.

I like your use of "rivulet," good word choice there. Also "Gory glory" is another good word choice.

Other then those small things I think this piece has lots of potential. You need to put a little more emphasis on the visual aspect of things and then I think you'll be raring to go. Let me know if you need another review! I'm always happy to give one :). Keep up the good work!


TuckEr EllsworTh :smt032




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Sun Feb 03, 2013 12:25 am
Omnom wrote a review...



Here to review!

My name is Omniyus, and I will be reviewing this work for you today! I have to say this beforehand: Making a horror story is very hard when you are writing, for the simple fact that being frightened has become a much more visual thing.

I can say, though, that you have done a great job on it.

I'm thinking that this should be a more poemlike story, because it certainly feels like it.

I'm not going to judge you on grammar, because incomplete sentences give suspicion and fear with a kick.

Another reason I think this is a poemlike story, or at least a prologue, is that there is very little to no background in this.

That being said, I do hope you put more down on this.

I hoped this helped,
Omniyus.




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Sun Feb 03, 2013 12:10 am
niteowl wrote a review...



This is interesting, although I feel like it should be part of a larger story. I have no clue what this guy is doing in this house or why the girl's chasing him. That said, there's some lovely images.

Red like Ruby's and cutting into me like knives; cold, sharp and painful as hell.

I turn to look away. I think I've won, my back is too her.


I like the description of the eyes, but it should be "rubies" and remain uncapitalized. It should also be "to" in the second line.

I consider crying out and running. But what point is there in that? She would find me just like she always does.

A rivulet of cold sweat slithers down my forehead and I quickly brush it away. I blink.

That was all it took. My eyes closed for a split second. And when they open there she is.

She's stood right before me and now I can see her features in all their gory glory.


The first line: She always does? This has happened before? Now that's really strange. Unless this is one event that goes on for some time. It might be better to have a progression (motives for entering this house, seeing the girl, running from her again and again).

I love the imagery of the second and third line. However, I don't like "gory glory" in the last line. It sounds corny.

Overall, there's a compelling story and images here, but I think it would work better if expanded to include why the MC ended up crossing path with this girl and a build-up to this portion. Keep writing! :)




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Sat Feb 02, 2013 11:51 pm
Questio says...



Gave me shivers. But then again, there are those who say my imagination is TOO vivid...





"The only time you look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbor's bowl to see if you have as much as them."
— Louis C.K.