Young Writers Society

Hey there. Here are my main thoughts about this poem. I like the epic space you've chosen for the story of this occurrence. It works effectively as a backdrop to what you want to communicate, because it's so old, well-known, and clear.

But the main problem with this piece, for me, is that it deals with an abstract idea in an abstract way, and thus makes nothing else clear to the reader. This rose stands for something mysterious, and we never have a clue what it means, because there are so many opposing forces trying to define it. The rose was left when Adam and Eve betrayed god. The rose has no soul. The rose is there because the rules were broken. The rose is frozen, and if it's broken, the world ends. (How could the rose break??) The rose's soul misses the garden of eden (even though it's still there?). We carry the rose. We get to keep it if we follow god. But we also walk past the garden of eden where the rose is. But also the rose lets us move on. But also we can give god a NEW rose of OUR making and then time starts again?

I dunno. I dunno what it represents. At some points, it seems contradictory. The rose is frozen in the garden, but we also carry it. As I said, I understand that you're dealing with abstract concepts where that might be a possibility, but! if you could bring the plot down into reality, your readers would be much more able to access the emotion and philosophy you want to share.

Lemme know if you have any questions or comments about my review, and keep writing!

Hello Eydis and welcome to YWS! Dogs already covered the grammar and spelling stuff, so I'll ask the question that's bothering me when I read this: Why? The Garden of Eden is a well-known story, and the creation myth of three major religions. Playing with it for literary purposes is allowed, of course, but there needs to be some purpose behind doing so, and I don't see it here. A frozen rose is a lovely image, and I can see several meanings behind it, but I don't see how it fits into the story. Is it next to the tree? If God's punishing Adam and Eve, why give them this special rose? And where's the infamous serpent in all this? How do people need this rose to go through time? There's some potential in this idea, but you need to expand it and tie it in with the actual story better.

I see this is tagged as "fantasy" so if you meant to create a myth for another world, change the names accordingly.

Overall, there's an interesting idea behind this but it needs some clarification and depth. Keep writing!

Hello Eydi, Dogs here with your review today. Ok so interesting piece you have here. I think it's a wonderful idea and great start for a good piece of literature. However, there are a couple things we need to fix up here.

Firstly, it's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Eva. Huge huge red flag if your doing a misspelling that essential this early in your piece here. Especially because Adam and Eve is such a huge religious piece, that is something you really need to spell correctly. It's like misspelling "God" lol.

Secondly, try not to start sentences with conjunctions or "because." Makes everything extremely choppy, use more commas if you want to link those sentences together.

"And all you got is a Frozen Rose of Eden"

Firstly "got" should be "have" or "had." Secondly "Frozen" should not be capitalized.

"And if you look were the sole was you will see what it misses the most"

I don't eve know what to make of this line, you need to add punctuation to make your reading clear and legible. Also, I think you mean "soul" instead of "sole." Big difference in those two words.

Ok last paragraph. Great idea that I see your driving at, I love the imagery of that. Except huge problem, who is "him" that God will give the rose of his own to. Again starting way to many things with "and" it makes your writing very choppy and difficult to read. I really do enjoy the idea of "to start the time in The Garden of Eden," although "the" should not be capitalized. The last line could be great except you say "are" instead of "our."

This is an excellent idea of a piece of writing... except the gramatical and spelling errors you use in this piece are so astounding and common that it makes it incredibly difficult to read. Read your writing out loud to yourself every time, so you can understand the flow and the rhythm of it. It is a great way for correcting things, I know it's a pain but it really helps.

I'm terribly sorry if I sounded a little harsh in my review, but if you apply these things to your writing and clean it up, this could be an amazing piece. Let me know if you need any help with anything, I'd be glad to help. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh