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Too late

by HHemayed


There was once a poor family that lived near the sea, Fred and his wife Sally and there small boy, Sam. He was only four years old. The poor family lived on fish, as it was the only thing they could afford. Fred was a fisherman, or probably had to be one. Sometimes he’d catch a fish, maybe two, but some days were tough. Sally, his wife, learned to store part of their small meal, in case her husband failed to catch any fish.
One day, as Fred was fishing, it started to rain. It was dangerous to be at sea during the rain, because as a man who lived in such a strange village, Fred knew how easy harmless rain could turn into a deadly storm. Unfortunately, he had not caught any fish and his position as man of the house made it very hard for him to simply retreat.
Fred decided to wait some more, hopefully a fish might get caught in his net, soon. He prayed God again and again, and for the sake of his child and hungry wife, God accepted his prayer. A small fish got caught in his net. He was so glad to have caught something, so he hurried back to their small cottage and gave his wife the fish so that she could cook it.
Fred sat on a ragged mat with his son. He told him stories from his dreams. Suddenly, Sally shouted and called him with excitement. She had found a precious jewel in the fish! ‘We are going to be rich!’ they thought.
Fred and Sally hugged Sam tightly and their faces shone. “We are going to be rich!” they told him. He smiled to their happiness and joy, yet none knew what was really in store for them.
As soon as the rain stopped, Fred hurried to the market to sell the precious jewel. He searched for a merchant who he thought could afford such a jewel. The first merchant was amazed by its beautiful structure and so was the second and third, but they all said it was too precious and no one but the richest merchant could afford buying it.
Fred was becoming more and more excited, he dreamt of his life and his family’s after he manages to sell such a precious jewel. However, the richest merchant also said it was too precious for anyone to afford buying it, “Go to the king!” he said.
Fred went to the king and admired his roomy and beautiful palace. He showed him the jewel, but to his surprise, the king too said it was too precious for him to buy. However, he made him quite a good deal.
The king would give him five hours, where he was to take from the palace whatever he pleased, in return for the jewel. The lucky fisherman wandered in the king’s huge palace. He found the dining room; it was full of all kinds of fancy and mouthwatering food. ‘I should eat so I could have enough strength to carry more money.’ Fred thought.
After he satisfied himself with the most delicious food he had ever ate, Fred saw the bedroom. It had the largest and most comfortable bed he had ever seen. ‘I should rest a little so I could have enough energy to carry more money.’ He thought.
Therefore, Fred took a nap. Unfortunately, he fell into deep sleep and was surprised to find the king’s guards awake him. They were practically carrying him outside the palace. “What are you doing?!” Fred shouted. “I haven’t taken anything yet!” The guards looked at him in despise and said: “The five hours are over.” and with that simple statement, they were gone.
Fred stood outside the palace with a sad and pathetic look on his face. He stared at the palace and cried helplessly. He had not only lost his jewel, but lost the opportunity to collect what he wanted from the king’s palace.
Wisdom ~ Work is what you are doing now, not what you are willing to do later.


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Sun Feb 03, 2013 12:11 am
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ScribbleBug wrote a review...



Hi!
Nice work. I like the lesson you included in it. But there are a lot if choppy, short sentences that should be combined so the whole page would flow smother, such as "Fred sat on a ragged mat with his son. He told him stories from his dreams." That could be combined, and I also think you use Fred a little to much than is necessary. Its a bit rushed, and if you would include more details about the surrounding and just more details in general it will run smoother and be more relaxed.

There are a few mistakes, such as you repeat a few things, for example you say "his wife Sally" more times than necessary. You should also clean up the introduction paragraph. I don't have anything specific (sorry, I'm new at reviewing), but it deafeningly could be cleaned up. Hope it helped!
-SB




HHemayed says...


Thanks. :) I know it needs a lot of fixing. The problem is that I never intended on making it a normal short story, I mean, I wanted it to be more symbolic. I guess that wasn't such a good idea. Thanks, anyway. :)



ScribbleBug says...


Oh, okay! It was really good though! I like the symbolic writing. Not many people do that, or even have the idea to do that! Very creative. I think it was a brilliant idea :) Keep up the good work! Sorry again for such a vague review. Like I said, new! :)



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Sat Feb 02, 2013 10:42 am
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PenguinAttack wrote a review...



Hi HH,

I wasn't sure where this story was going! I definitely thought it was going to turn out alright in the end, despite the title! I think you did this very well, that sill Fred! He didn't know what he was doing, he should have taken his wife and child with him to see the king!

I think the story does run pretty quickly. I'd like to hear a bit about the surroundings, like if the kingdom was great or something. A bit of detail to set off the narrative, this would slow down the action a bit and let us have a good long look at what's going on.

You say "Fred" an awful lot of times, descriptions of the nature and situation around him will help that because it gives you a better frame to start from. The main character is Fred, so you don't need to use his name so often particularly when he is along.

There are some errors like "He prayed God again and again" missing the "to" but I think if you look over this carefully you'll find them. The start uses "fishing" an awful lot as well.

The poor family lived on fish, as it was the only thing they could afford. Fred was a fisherman, or probably had to be one. Sometimes he’d catch a fish, maybe two, but some days were tough. Sally, his wife, learned to store part of their small meal, in case her husband failed to catch any fish.
One day, as Fred was fishing,


This whole bit is super repetitive and has little to no rhythm, that's because you have a lot of fragments. I'd suggest slimming this down to something like

The poor family lived on fish, as Fred was a fisherman. Sometimes he'd catch a fish, maybe two, but other days were tough and Sally learned to store part of their meal just in case.
One day as Fred was fishing..."


This is basically your paragraph just slimmed down. We know Sally is his wife because you mention it in the first line, so no need to repeat that. I took out "failed to catch any fish" because we know that's what the other days were like, so we know the "in case" refers to them. I know this makes your paragraph smaller, but it also makes the paragraph easier to read and to understand.

As I said, I quite like this, I think it’s cute and just needs a little more description. Nice work. If you have any questions, queries or just want to chat, hit me up.

~ Pen.




HHemayed says...


Thanks, you're quite right. I'll try to fix it, Thanks again! :)



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Sat Feb 02, 2013 10:39 am
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Trident wrote a review...



Hi HHemayed, here are a few of my thoughts:

It was nice in a parable sort of way, but there were two main issues that I'm having problems with. It's somewhat simplistic and along with that the story is a bit predictable. I'll try to go a little more in depth here.

There was once a poor family that lived near the sea, Fred and his wife Sally and there small boy, Sam. He was only four years old. The poor family lived on fish, as it was the only thing they could afford. Fred was a fisherman, or probably had to be one. Sometimes he’d catch a fish, maybe two, but some days were tough. Sally, his wife, learned to store part of their small meal, in case her husband failed to catch any fish.


You introduce well enough to your characters, but you tend to go on about the whole fishing things, which really gets boring after like the third mention of it. Perhaps there is something else you can mention that is interesting in their lives?

The first merchant was amazed by its beautiful structure and so was the second and third, but they all said it was too precious and no one but the richest merchant could afford buying it.


I think you have more faith in ancient merchants than I do because I would have imagined the first merchant trying very hard to cheat the man out of this deal. If the gem is even too precious for a king, then surely one merchant would do a lot to get his hands on it, let alone two or three.

The king would give him five hours, where he was to take from the palace whatever he pleased, in return for the jewel.


That number seems rather arbitrary. Perhaps something with a bit more religious significance? You mention God gave him the jewel, perhaps the number could signify something more important.

When one sees what's coming

Suspense can be effectively held even if you know what is coming. But here I don't think you really hold us. Instead I felt like I was just getting the words and motions out of the way until I could finally read what I knew was going to happen anyway. I suggest trying to give us a little less, so that we can't guess what is going to happen at the end. And the whole parable at the end thing feels a little preachy. So I would be a little careful there with that.




HHemayed says...


Yeah,you're right. :) Thanks.




Powerful men have a way of avoiding consequences.
— Dr. Harrison Wells, The Flash