She Let the Wind Take Her Away.

... and she cried in the wind, waiting for it to wisk her away, but all the while secretly wishing it wouldn't. She couldn't bare to be away from him, even if the clouds were her next destination. He was the cause of her tears, yes, but he was also the cause of the love spilling over heart and coloring her soul. He was, and always would be, her favorite reason to smile. But then, why the tears? Why this anguish stirring inside of her? Did everything in life have to have an equal balance of good and bad? Of joy and pain? We are all moved by the same forces that stir the sea and mould the mounains; do those forces contain these balanced elements? Does the ocean weep when it is churned a little too hard? Do the hills wispher regrets when they miss their chance?

And now, she was standing there crying; standing there begging for peace; but she loved him. He was the end of reality, he was the constant dream, he was eternity. She decided that the ocean does shed a tear, and that the mountaintops are heard to be singing a melancholy song, but after the sorrow comes the sun, and with its ascension another glorious chance at everlasting happiness. She clung to that, wiped her tears, and let the wind take her away....

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Points: 5211
Reviews: 184

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Sat Feb 02, 2013 2:25 am

veeren wrote a review...

Heyo Blake

I take it that this is just an excerpt of a longer work.
So here are a few nitpicks:

Spoiler! :

That should be 'bear'.

Spoiler! :

You should start a new paragraph with this line, and remove the comma.

Spoiler! :

That should be 'mold the mountains'.

Spoiler! :

Replace the semicolon with a comma and remove the 'standing there'.

Spoiler! :

There should be a comma after 'ascension'.

Now then, as for the content itself, I know you were trying to achieve a reaction of deep feelings from the reader, but I'm just not getting it. Hitting a great one-liner and pitching a bunch of life questions are two different games my friend. I didn't feel the emotions you were trying to elicit.

But hey, maybe it's because I'm not a huge Romance fan. My opinion could be biased because of that fact, and you're free to see it as such. Hopefully I was able to help you somehow anyway.

You're a great writer, so keep up the great work.

Points: 25864
Reviews: 1334

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Fri Feb 01, 2013 8:13 pm

Hannah wrote a review...

Hi, again! I hope that if you have any questions, you'll be sure to send me a PM. I can help you out if you're having trouble submitting or reviewing or something. I noticed your status update on your profile.

Anyway, I was at first ready to give up on this piece. I didn't feel like anything new was coming, and I didn't want to read another string of old, worn-out questions of, "Why does love hurt? Why does it hurt so much? Why can't I do anything?"

And then you hit gold.

We are all moved by the same forces that stir the sea and mould the mounains; do those forces contain these balanced elements? Does the ocean weep when it is churned a little too hard? Do the hills wispher regrets when they miss their chance?

Besides the spelling errors (which are throughout your piece, so you might want to spell check before you submit next time as a courtesy to other members), this is super powerful. It's not just about this girl anymore. She is not just wrapped up in her own thoughts and pain, but she's stretching out to compare herself to the whole world, to think about where she is in the wide earth, and that is compelling to me. I want to get to this part earlier. I want to cut down the relatively slow introduction (we don't need a lot of it: we know this sentiment) and find the world I can relate to.

I wonder, in the second paragraph, who she's begging to. Herself? Him? God? I wonder if that could be cleared up. I also don't like the empty abstractions in this sentence:

He was the end of reality, he was the constant dream, he was eternity.

They sound reaching and epic, but in the end they don't actually mean anything, so they sabotage that tone that your words of the ocean and mountaintops are trying to hard to cement in the readers' minds.

Lastly, this may just be the cynic in me, but I wish she wasn't looking for "everlasting happiness". She knows the waves come in and go out, and I think "everlasting happiness" sounds too naive for who she is now. She's letting the wind take her away. She finds happiness even in that, so why does she need to hope for this big burning ball of sun-fire happiness? Is that really what she wants?

PM me if you have any questions or comments about my review, please.

Good luck, and keep writing!

Points: 350
Reviews: 50

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Fri Feb 01, 2013 7:41 pm

zephion wrote a review...

Hello Blakesink,

I am here to review this wonderful little piece of yours. My first comment is on the content of the piece. I like what you have here, but I don't understand what is going on. Who are these people? Why is she leaving? If you want to leave that sense of mystery, that's fine, but I think this has potential to be a longer and more in depth story.

It took me a minute to figure out, but once I did, I really liked your ocean/mountain personification. It really added a whole other level to your piece. In summary, this was a short and sweet little story, that I think you could develop on a bit. Thanks for sharing and keep writing!

Zephion

Young Writers Society

She Let the Wind Take Her Away.

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