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Twisted

by Chuck10931


Lylas and I both worked on this story but she deleted the pad so I don't know what was going on there but I thought I would just post this here for now!

Characters:

Sarah Walker - 36 - Girl

Sahara Grimm-15- girl
Canyen Palmer-15- boy
Taylor Achor-15- girl
Remington Hunt-16- boy
William - 36 (Deceased)
I wake up in my old apartment. It was smelly and small. But it was all we could afford.
Sarah rolls over forgetting that she's in a single bed and falls out. She moaned as she got up far too early.
I was sweating from my nightmare. Looks over at Sahara. "You OK darling?" "Yes, I'm fine, just tired" I lied. My adrenaline was pumping so fast I could stay up for hours. "Okay then. Do you want me to call school and say that you are a bit under the weather?" She said sitting down on the end of Sarah's bed. "no I'm fine. I think I can survive school." I said as I rolled my eyes and got up to change. Sarah looked down and fiddled with the ring on her finger. She quietly left the room and went out to the cupboard under the stairs that she kept some things in. She picked up a photo album and pulled the small door closed enclosing her in a space just small enough to sit down in and pulled herself into a ball and started to cry. It was so hard on her family after William died. She was so empty without him. She always thought about Williams death when she went to bed but it never made sense to her how could he just die that suddenly on a business trip from a disease he had never even had and was in perfect health. She put the ring in her safe as she heard Sahara call her name. "bye Sarah!!!!" "bye Sahara!" and she got up and went to do chores. She went into the big bedroom that she hadn't been in since William died she ran her fingers across the satin cloth on the bed. She saw a tear fall onto the bed. And she climbed onto the bed, and laid there for the rest of the day.

Sahara was walking down the road towards school. A black van was slowly crawling along the road towards her she looked around and quickened her pace the van sped up and pulled up next to her two men jumped out and grabbed her quickly getting her into the van. When she was in the van they tied her up and pulled a bag over her head.
I screamed and kicked. They shut the doors then took the bag off my head. " Where is it?" they asked me. "what? Where's what?!?" I asked confused. " We know you have it. We can tell your the chosen one. Now where is it!" he slapped me across the face. My cheek was stinging viciously. "I.DON'T HAVE.IT!!!" I kicked the guy in the face. She used a sharp edge sticking off the van to cut the ropes. She looked back at the dumbfounded guy staring at her from the ground. I smirked, waved bye bye, and jumped. I hit the ground hard but I got up and ran back the way to school. I was an hour late when I got there.
The teachers where furious at me when I got into class.
I sat down with my tardy slips quietly. I blushed as the cute boy I had a crush on gave me aquizzicallook.
I just looked down from Remington' s eyes and I asked the teacher if I could use the bathroom to wash up and she told me to go to the nurse while I was on my way to the bathroom.
The nurse looked at her bruises and didn't say a word then picked up the phone and talked to someone in the other room.
I sat nervously. who were those people?
A while later she came out and wrapped bandages over my eye and cleaned the cuts on my arm and cheek. she said to wash the dirt and then go to class. I did as I was told. when the bell rang Taylor ran up to me. "WHAT HAPPENED!!!!?!!???" she yelled.
"I fell over on the way to school. It's nothing to worry about look I have to get back home."She said hurrying away.
she took a different way home. she got home and she tried to rush by Sarah. "Honey? What happened?" I whispered, "dangit" and turned around and put a fake smile on. "I'm fine" she said through her teeth. "Oh my God Sahara!!" she rushed up and examined my face. "What happened?" she said with a concerned look on her face. but then she got a knowing look on her face. "No." she said and stepped back. "Not you!!" she slid down the wall slumping on the floor. "I don' t understand mom." I said. she looked at me as if gathering her options. she sighed and patted the floor next to her. "I think you are old enough."
"long ago your uncle Jack made a deal with another world between the spiritual world and here. Storybrooke. The fairytales live there. his deal was if he could finish living every single fairytale, he would be able to live forever. but if he didn' t live through some of the worst ones, it would be passed down to the next Grimm. but it usually only happens to men. not women. but you, it has been after. so you are destined to finish the tales. but you must live through them. there is no escaping them either." she looked at me to see how I was taking it. "what did those guys want then?" I asked. "The Story." she said coldly. I shivered. "Where is it?" I asked. "It will show itself to you when it is ready to help you." she told me. "So what do we do until then?" She said hugging Sarah. "Nothing I guess we just wait..." She said hugging her tightly. There was a knock on the door, Sahara got up to answer it. It was Remington. "Uh hey Sahara I was just wondering if you were okay?" He said nervously. She blushed as he looked at her. "You know where I live..." She said curiously. "Taylor told me." He said standing there awkwardly. She looked into his eyes and kissed him on the cheek. "Thanks for checking if I was k." She said going bright red "Hey uhh do you want to go see a movie or something?" He said gaining confidence. She gestured for him to come inside and led him up to her room. "Uhh sorry it's a mess." She said Gesturing for him to sit on the bed next to her. She leant forward and kissed him he kissed her back they sat there kissing for about then he pushed her down onto the bed and really started to kiss her until they were worn out and fell asleep curled up together. When Sahara woke up it was morning and Remington was still next to her with his arms around her. She slid out from his arms and went downstairs and found Sarah standing there waiting. "Good Morning mum!" She said cheerfully. "What are you doing with that boy?" She said angrily. "Mum we were just kissingand then we fell asleep that's all mum." She said confidently.

" then why is he still here!!?? we have other things to worry about right now. and you know that." she looked strait into my eyes. I did know that we had bigger things to worry about. but that didn' t mean I couldn't put any time in for boys too.
Remington Hunt
I woke up in a strange place. Then I realized it was Sahara' s bedroom. Why was he here? what happened? He walked down the hall and over heard Sahara and Sarah talking. " Then why is he still here?" she seemed to yell. " We have other things to worry about right now. You know that." Sahara stayed quiet. I decided I needed to ask why I was here. I walked out. " Hi." Sahara smiled. I was confused. " Hey. Um, do you know why I am here?" I asked. they both looked confused. " Yeah you came over yesterday, and....." she trailed off. "I don' t remember coming over. well I need to go, so, um bye." I walked daizly out of the room. I came over yesterday and what? he never remembered coming over.
Sahara Grimm
I ran to the bathroom as he left and started to cry. this can't be happening. how could he forget? I got a hold of myself quick and got dressed and headed out the door. "bye mum!!" I yelled and rode my skateboard to school, careful not to go near where those guys grabbed me. I got to school and blushed every time Remy looked at me. he was literally just staring. he looked like he forgot something but couldn't put his finger on it. I sighed. I knew I wasn't dreaming because he was at my house this morning. I tried to pay attention but I was distracted by his staring. when the bell rang I got up as quickly as possible but of course Remington followed. I tried to go faster but he wouldn't Stop chasing me. I finally sighed and turned around. he was there. " What did happen when I came over yesterday?" he looked into my eyes. "you mean you don' t'? ugh nothing, nothing happened." I turned and left. At the end of the day a whole crowd was around my locker. I walked through elbowing everyone. sure enough Remington was standing there. "What do you want?" I asked. he turned my head and kissed me fiercely right there. "I remember." he smiled and kissed me again. everyone was staring. "Shoo!" he said and they all ran away and me and Remy kept kissing my lips. he was warm. and it was nice but I pulled away. "what?" he looked hurt. but I was more hurt though. "I can' t do this if your gonna wake up tomorrow and forget. I started to walk away but then he snatched my bag and ran away out the doors. I ran after him and he was by his car, waiting. his family was rich so he already could drive his own car. he threw the bag in the car and gestured me to get in with a smile on his face. I smirked and got in. "Where to, my love?" he asked in a horrible British accent impression. " How about I take you to the park on a date Sahara?" he asked me but I kept quiet. we pulled into the park. we just sat there. he looked at me in the eye. " I won't forget" he said and before I knew it his
lips were crushing into mine. we kissed passionatley. this time I kissed back. he put his hands on my cheek, trailing to my jaw, down my neck, and to my sides. I put my hands on his chest. he rubbed his hands up and down on my thighs. his kiss went from my mouth to my jaw to my neck. I sat there as he kissed me. it felt so good, so right. in seconds his mouth was on mine again. his hands still on my thighs. finally he came up for air. he slid back in his chair, smiling. I just watched him as he unbuckled and stepped out of the car. I did the same and we walked hand in hand through the parks pathways. When we got to his house to hang out some more we went to his room. it was big and open and had a huge, neat bed. it smelled of Axe cologne and sweat. he came in as I was sitting on the bed, taking everything in. he waited and watched me patiently. I looked at him and he leaned in and kissed me. but just once. he laid back on his bed. I laid on top of his chest and curled up next to him. he stroked my hair. " This afternoon in the car, was the best thing that has every happened to me. not because I was getting very, very close to sex, but because I was getting very, very close to sex with you." he chuckled. I smiled at the thought. I looked up at him and kissed him again. I was very tired, and I feel asleep.
I woke up smiling. "Well good morning sleeping beauty. how was your rest?" he chuckled. he kissed my hair and I sat up.remembering yesterday. " Oh no, my mom!!!!" I panicked. I had to leave. I pecked him on the cheek, said bye and ran out the door.


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Fri Mar 22, 2013 5:54 am
TriSARAHtops wrote a review...



Heya Chuck. Firstly, just watch out that you don't switch and change tenses. You started out in the present tense, then switched to the past, then back to the present, in just a couple of sentences. I don't know if that was a result of co-writing, but it's something that you will need to sort out. Also, just grammar, generally. Make sure if a new person is speaking, it's on a new line, etc.
Another thing, the names Sarah and Sahara are so similar, so it can be a little confusing for the reader.
I think that, after you edit, you'll have something really good. Because it's all bunched upi together at the moment, it doesn't flow very well, but the ideas are good. I think that if it was longer, even if you added stuff and made it in to more chapters, the flow would feel much more natural, because at the moment it's kind of BAM BAM BAM, and then the reader has to digest all that's happened in one short paragraph.
Good ideas on plot, but definitely needs editing. Keep at it!




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Fri Feb 01, 2013 9:45 pm
Kale wrote a review...



Hello Chuck. Before I start reviewing this proper, I'd just like make a note that, when you co-write something, it's always a good idea to get permission from your co-writer first before posting. Sometimes posting co-written works can lead to messy drama because the other person didn't want to share the writing just yet, and asking helps avoid such.

With that said, just reading over the first few paragraphs gives me the immediate impression that this piece wasn't ready for posting. Everything is jumbled together, and for a moment there, I was left wondering if you and Lylas had switched between telling this story in first-person to telling it in third-person, and then you went switching in between characters, which was way confusing.

Another thing that was really confusing was telling Sarah and Sahara apart. Their names are so similar with how they have the same letters, and I really think changing one of their names so that their names are more distinct would be a good idea. Sometimes, it seemed like the two of you got their names confused, which made the confusion even worse.

Overall, you have an interesting premise here, but the events move really, really fast, so they're all jumbled together. Mix that in with the crazy viewpoint shenanigans, and this is really difficult to follow. I'd recommend picking a single viewpoint and sticking with it for most of the chapter instead of switching every few paragraphs, as well as breaking up the dialogue into paragraphs so that the dialogue is easier to follow. Your pacing could also use work, with how all these crazy events are happening one after the other, without any time for the characters to really react to them.

This article might help you with dialogue, and this article might help you with pacing. The main thing to remember about dialogue is that every time a different character speaks or does something, you should start a new paragraph. It makes keeping track of who does what much easier for your readers.




Chuck10931 says...


~Notice~
This work is not final this is just a place to store it for now...



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Fri Feb 01, 2013 9:00 pm
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Caesar wrote a review...



Hey there, Chuck and Ly! This is the first prose I’ve read from either of you.

Sadly, I wasn’t impressed. This might have potential to be something decent, but is so filled with incongruences and grammatical mistakes that it just didn’t work. At all. So many grammatical errors. So many mistakes. I recommend you run things through a spellchecker, and possibly read it before posting! I get you basically copy/pasted paragraphs from titanpad and collaged them, but still.

Now, onto general nit-picking.

I dislike the first part, when you give us the character’s names and their ages. That tells us absolutely nothing about them. You also won’t see it happen anywhere in a novel. Seriously, nix it, and maybe tell us something about the characters in the actual chapter, yes?

I wake up in my old apartment. It was smelly and small. But it was all we could afford.


What kind of an opening like is that? ‘Smelly and small’ doesn’t qualify as a description, really. And that last sentence is pretty much of a throwaway. Show us instead. Describe the poverty throughout their daily lives.

She said sitting down (…)


That she there shouldn’t be capitalized. The question mark is in a speech, so it needn’t be. Pick up any novel and observe.

"Yes, I'm fine, just tired" I lied.


On the other hand, there should be a comma there after ‘tired’

"no I'm fine. I think I can survive school." I said


She picked up a photo album and pulled the small door closed enclosing her in a space just small enough to sit down in and pulled herself into a ball and started to cry.


Show, don’t tell. We want to experience her sadness. Use some nice analogies, metaphors or even simple recollection to make this believable. Telling us she curled into a ball and started to cry will not elicit ‘boo hoo, how sad, my heart is agonizing over a poorly-described character in a poorly-described chapter I’ve known for all but a few paragraphs’. Sorry.

She always thought about Williams death when she went to bed but it never made sense to her how could he just die that suddenly on a business trip from a disease he had never even had and was in perfect health.


Whoah, big info dump there. You might want to add that in later, when we know more about the character herself. All these elements you have introduced are very cliché, and few people like that, really. Incidentally, it should be ‘William’s’, as it’s possessive, thus, apostrophe.

She put the ring in her safe as she heard Sahara call her name. "bye Sarah!!!!" "bye
Sahara!" and she got up and went to do chores.


I see the character is suddenly speaking to the great and mighty African desert. Interesting anthropomorphism there. Also, you only add exclamation marks to dialogue in a bad fanfic or in colloquial text-speak.

Sahara was walking down the road towards school.


But…she was laying on her poor dead husband’s bed just a line before that. How odd. How very odd indeed.

"what? Where's what?!?"


Remember, line break when a new person speaks. Also, same as above. Adding question marks doesn’t make questions more demanding or distraught.

"I.DON'T HAVE.IT!!!" I kicked the guy in the face. She used a sharp edge sticking off the van to cut the ropes.


Remember to hit space after punctuating. For. Emphasis. Also, nice tense-change there. Incorrect, but interesting. What were you trying to do there? Also wow, sudden info-dump. A prophecy, and a chosen one too. How delightfully cliché.

(…) We can tell your the chosen one. (…)


Should be ‘you’re.’ You’re = you are. Your = possessive.

"long ago your uncle Jack made a deal with another world between the spiritual world and here. Storybrooke. The fairytales live there. his deal was if he could finish living every single fairytale, he would be able to live forever. but if he didn' t live through some of the worst ones, it would be passed down to the next Grimm. but it usually only happens to men. not women. but you, it has been after. so you are destined to finish the tales. but you must live through them. there is no escaping them either." she looked at me to see how I was taking it. "what did those guys want then?" I asked. "The Story." she said coldly. I shivered. "Where is it?" I asked. "It will show itself to you when it is ready to help you." she told me. "So what do we do until then?"


This here is a massive info dump, right here. You (as well as not capitalizing) proceed on telling us the novel’s whole plot, without any ado or build-up. I was just like ‘what? What? What just happened here?’ this whole chapter is just a horrible sequence of chunks of dialogue and chunks of narrative.

You guys really need to work on your grammar. And your plot. And everything really. Please proofread, spellcheck, and you know, read some books before attempting to write one of your own.

Hope this helped
~Ita




Chuck10931 says...


~Notice~
This work is not final this is just a place to store it for now...




All truly wise thoughts have been thought already thousands of times; but to make them truly ours, we must think them over again honestly, till they take root in our personal experience.
— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe