simply simplicity (improved version) chapter 1

Salutations. I have come hither to review, as requested.
So, indeed, you do have a lot of information here about the character's past. A few things about that: 1) I'm not sure this intrigues readers, though, because you only showed things that have happened to the character, not how he has reacted to them and how he was affected by them. You've showed who his parents are, not what the readers want, which is who he is, what his personality is, what makes him unique from any other character they could read about in any other book. Perhaps include some of that in the next couple chapters. Also, 2) I think this is way too much information for a first chapter. At the beginning of a story the readers want to see movement, dialogue, to see things happening. A lot of people, upon opening a book and reading a first chapter like this, will get bored and put it down, not because the writing is bad, but because there is nothing to catch their attention. Instead of having an info-dump here, I would suggest giving this information out slower throughout the course of the story, because his family and his past are an important part of what makes him who he is and thus some information could be kept from the reader to create more suspense.
On to grammar. I'll go through sentence by sentence and see what corrections could be made:

My eyes were locked on the warm rays of the sun passing through my enlarged glass window pane behind my soft cushioned office chair which I am rested upon. With the small chandelier above my head responding to the glistening rays of the sun.

This first sentence goes a bit too long without a comma (especially for a first sentence). It also has a lot of unnecessary adjectives. For instance, "my enlarged glass window pane". How is their window enlarged? Glass is implied with a window, and "pane" adds nothing to the reader's understanding. Make sure to only use adjectives that will help the reader understand what the character is seeing better. Also, I don't think the word "am" is needed there.
The second sentence is a fragment, a dependent clause. Perhaps reword it as "The small chandelier above my head glinted in response to the glistening rays of the sun" or something.
On to the next paragraph:

I then tilted my head towards my desk and glanced blankly at my name plate KYLE CLARKSON it spelt. Then I shifted my gaze to the little toy coyote placed ever so neatly on my desk as the rest of the things on my desk had been placed.To tell you the truth I had a lot of cool stuff on my desk that I could admire for weeks and weeks, like my graduation certificate, My degree from the engineering college California Institute of technology, The gold medal for long jump, but surprisingly none of these things never actually caught my attention except for this small coyote but for some reason I never understood why.It probably had something to do with the fact that it was a gift from my mom, before she died of cancer.

In the first sentence, there should be a colon after "nameplate" (which is one word) to show that "KYLE CLARKSON" is referring to the nameplate. Also, the use of the word "then" in the first couple sentences is unnecessary; it only adds extra words and sounds repetitive. The second half of the second sentence...doesn't really make sense. I'm not sure what the "as the rest of the things on my desk had been placed" is supposed to refer to. In the sentence where you list the things on his desk, there are a couple capitalized words that shouldn't be (although "technology" isn't capitalized when it should be). That sentence is a bit long; perhaps put a period after the list and start the new sentence with "Surprisingly..." Also, in that sentence there is a double negative (none of these things never caught my attention); I would suggest replacing either "none" or "never". I would also suggest a comma before "but for some reason..." Lastly, the next sentence needs a space at the beginning.

I still remember her face on which rested a warm loving smile, which would set fireworks to your heart, which would spread warmth all over your body. The same smile that used to greet me every afternoon after a day’s hard-work at school.The same smile that could cause anyones heart to melt as fast as wax on a well lit candle. The same smile that weakened the heart of a man, whose heart was guarded by brick walls, a man controlling several engineering colleges world wide. Yes, that man was my dad.

I would suggest commas after "face" and "warm". Also, instead of "The same smile that", I would suggest just "That smile used to greet me every afternoon..." Also, I don't think there should be a hyphen in "hard-work". Also, "anyones" requires an apostrophe before the "s". There should probably be a hyphen in "well lit". In the second-to-last sentence, the comma before "whose" interrupts the flow of the sentence, so the sentence would be better off without it. Also, you used "heart" twice very close to each other; perhaps just say "...that weakened the heart of a man who was guarded by brick walls", or something like that, in order to avoid repetition. Also, "worldwide" is one word.

My dad was a tyrant in my description. The most difficult job for him would be to even crack a smile especially when it was around me. Why, I remember this one time when my little sister challenged my dad to “giwe a bwig shmile”, translation: give a big smile. To which my dad agreed right away as he thinks only wimps such as myself give up a challenge , but that’s because I don’t want to make a fool of myself when I lose a challenge like my dad did, because believe me, that smile was not pretty. It literally made my sister go “daddy wanna use the bathwoom hahaha” and I don’t think you need a translation for that.

In the second sentence, I would suggest a comma after "smile". In the fourth sentence, there shouldn't be a space before the comma. In that sentence you also use "because" twice; I would suggest breaking up the sentence into two or three sentences instead of using so many conjunctions and commas.

However whenever it came to my mom, my dad would act like the most sensitive, soft hearted, funny, cool, perfect guy you’d love to.... well, love, and no, his smile definitely did not look like he wanted to go to the “bathwoom” it was actually very natural.

There should be a comma after "however". Also, "softhearted" is one word. After "bathwoom" I would suggest a semi-colon or a period.

Hey don’t get me wrong but I did tonnes of buttering up to get mom’s attention too. Sometimes when we used to go for grocery shopping, mom had a rule, that we all carry to bags each and if there was extra bags my dad would carry it since he was the dominnant male. So sometimes, when my dad wasn’t in the mood to carry any of the grocery bags he would just dump them on me saying that I should carry more than him as it is a good way to develop my masculine form, and then he would just walk forward with his hands free. So to take revenge, before we got home I would sprinkle myself with water from one of the water bottles in the bag and since my face was already pink and rosy I didn’t have to do much to make it tomato red.

I shall break this paragraph up into two parts because of its length. (Which may be a problem. Perhaps break up a few of these longer paragraphs in order to make it easier to read.)
So, the first sentence is a bit long and awkward. First, there should be commas after "Hey" and "wrong". The comma after "mom had a rule" isn't necessary and breaks up the flow of the writing. Also, I think that's "had to carry two bags each", "if there were extra bags", and "he was the dominant male". In the next sentence, I would suggest moving the comma after sometimes up to after "so" and add a comma after "bags" and "me". In the next sentence there should be a space after the period. Also, you used the word "since" twice; perhaps delete one of those or switch it for another word. I would also suggest a comma after "...in the bag".

Once we reached home I would walk slowly to my mom with my tongue wagging out like a puppy that had just run ten miles and tug at her her skirt to which she would turn to look down at me and gasp. She would then bend down and kiss my forehead and stroke her soft and moist hands across my cheek and ask why I was so red in the face and then would point accusingly at my dad. To which my dad would just put his hands up in complete innocence to which my mom would just glare.My dad never liked my mom’s glare he called it the glare of death. Knowing this I would smile devilishly as my mom hugged me.

In the first sentence, there should be a comma after "...tug at her skirt", and in the second I would suggest one after "...red in the face". This sentence also has a lot of "this and this and this and this"; perhaps reword that, even break it up into multiple sentences, to avoid that repetition. In the next sentence, "to which" makes it a fragment and isn't necessary; the sentence would be better without it. There should also be a comma after "innocence". The next sentence needs a space after the period and a semi-colon or period after "glare". The last sentence should have a comma after "Knowing this".
I've noticed that in this paragraph you seem to use the phrase "to which" a lot; perhaps cut out some of those to avoid sounding repetitive.

One thing I noticed throughout the chapter was that you didn't capitalize "mom" and "dad". These shouldn't be capitalized when referring to them as "my mom" and such, but they should be capitalized when they are used as a name, such as "Hello, Mom." Most of the time you used them as a name, and they should have been capitalized.


I think the story is interesting and has a lot of potential, but could do with more character. Not backstory of the character's life (I think you may have too much of that here), but details of how the character is now, and how he is unique and interesting; in the first couple chapters, readers want an answer to the question of "Why do I want to know what happens to this character?"
The writing style here is relatively good, but a lot of the sentences would be better if they were cut up into shorter ones and if more punctuation was added to them.
Anyway, good job here! If you ever need a review, just post on my Will Review for Food thread or my wall. Good luck with the rest of the novel!

Hi Adelina, I’m Shear and here to review.

One of the first things I noticed was your overuse of the ‘my’ in your writing. For example, we can look at your first opening introductory sentence and let’s pluck the line:

My eyes were locked on the warm rays of the sun passing through my enlarged glass window pane behind my soft cushioned office chair which I am rested upon.

This can be easily be changed to:
“I rested on my soft cushioned office chair with eyes locked on the warm rays of sun that passed through the large glass window behind me.”
->Okay, this isn’t the best example but you can think of something you like more. Just be careful to not overuse ‘my’ or ‘I’ when writing in first person. It’s difficult because you’re forced to use only a few identifying words (I, my, me, myself) but you can get creative. Some things are even inferred so you don’t have to say ‘my desk’ and can get away with saying ‘the desk’.

Also, I noticed some grammar and punctuation issues. I don’t do nitpicks but perhaps you should brush up on some of the comma rules and such. You can find some nice tutorials here on YWS under Knowledge Base. Check it out if you have time.

What I did like about this was your character’s voice. You obviously have a nice understanding of who Kyle is and that helps the readers that much more. I enjoyed reading about his reminiscing, which explained more about him, his family, and other characters. Good job setting up a character foundation, I already like Kyle.

Overall, I think you had a pretty strong character, your writing style overall is okay but the structure and compilation of your sentences needs some work along with grammar and punctuation but I did enjoy some of your description and I liked your voice. Keep writing and let me know if you have any questions or if you decide on posting more, I’d be happy to continue reviewing.

-S

Hey there, Adelina!

What I like about this piece is that you've got a lot of really good description about the relationship between the mom, the dad, and the baby sister. I can feel the way they interact with each other because you've given two really strong examples: the smiling and the grocery shopping. You've obviously got it down when it comes to showing and not telling, so I am very happy for that.

My biggest concern with this piece right away is the grammar/word use and sentence structure. It is very rough throughout, and so some people might give up reading it because of the inconsistency. I'm just going to point out a few errors and encourage you to keep learning and editing as you grow!

My eyes were locked on the warm rays of the sun passing through my enlarged glass window pane behind my soft cushioned office chair which I am rested upon.

First, enlarged means to have been made bigger. Were his windows small first and then made bigger? If not, you're using this word incorrectly. Also, you're referring to the window as a window pane, when the pane is the section of a window. You know how you usually draw a window in four sections to distinguish it from a box? Those four sections are the panes, so by calling it a window pane, that's a little weird.

Next, be careful with how many adjectives you're using here. You've got three in a row in front of "chair", but you don't need any of them. You know why? Because when we see he has a nice window in his office, a nice desk, and can spread his things out on the desk, we probably assume he is sitting on a nice chair.

Lastly, be careful with your verb tenses. You start with "were locked", which is in past tense, and you end with "am rested upon", which is actually present tense. Make sure you pick one or the other and keep it consistent.

I then tilted my head towards my desk and glanced blankly at my name plate KYLE CLARKSON it spelt. Then I shifted my gaze to the little toy coyote placed ever so neatly on my desk as the rest of the things on my desk had been placed.

You first sentence is odd. You have this interjection, but no punctuation around it for the reader to use as sign posts. I'd think something like this would be clearer and more helpful:

I then tilted my heard toward my desk and glanced blankly at my name plate. "KYLE CLARKSON," it spelt.

Also, you use the word "then" at the beginning of two sentences in a row, and it seems a little clunky. We have so many words in our language, and though it's difficult to avoid some repetition, we try to avoid it as much as possible, because readers pick up on it and it ruins our flow.

Now, for a general comment about your second paragraph: I find it really weird that this person is talking about his own thoughts, but it sounds like he's guessing about them:

surprisingly

for some reason I never understood why

It probably had something to do with the fact

Does this character really not know why he likes the coyote most? It's not surprising, and he obviously understands why. Maybe as you were writing it, you were surprised, but he's not. So just let him state his opinion.

Last thing before I go: it sounds pretty cheesy for him to get alarmed by the ringing of his phone. Everyone and their mother in the world seems to want to shock their character back into the flow of action instead of just letting them ease back in, so it seems over-done and not original.

I'm also wondering what will happen in this story. Right now I have no idea. I have no idea who this present-time character is or what he wants. I know what he was like as a kid, but I don't know what his goals are or what this story will be about. That's something I want to know right away, because without it, I don't know why I want to keep reading. You have to make me want to follow you!

Well, PM me if you have any questions about this review, please.

Good luck, and keep writing!