z

Young Writers Society


16+

The Games of War Ch. 1 & 2

by Tosh12


Warning: This work has been rated 16+.

Hey guys....This is one of my personal favorites that I'm really enjoying writing. But I know it's not perfect, so I'm leaving it up to you guys to help me get it as close to that as possible. Remember, I am only 14, so... I'm sure it sucks compared to other, older, more experienced writers. Also, I won't be posting this in pieces, unless you all tell me I should. I'll just edit in the chapters! Anyway, enjoy!

The Games of War

Chapter 1

"No!" My mother's voice screeched as the knife held by the dark figure concealed by the shadows of our cabin, was driven into her chest. I stood there, with tear filled eyes, staring at the dark shadow, who now turned towards me. Suddenly something heavy and cold hit me and everything went black.

I sat up quickly, sweat pouring down my face and chest. I've had that nightmare, almost every night, since I was eight. I'm sixteen, still having the same nightmare. The crazy thing is, it's not just a nightmare. Eight years ago, my mother was brutally murdered, and now all I have is my father, who is almost never home. I know what you're thinking, am I always left at home alone? The answer is no. Four years after my mother's death, my father remarried, to an evil witch, named Evallina. Long sleek black hair, black soulless eyes, and a face that could charm any man. She was indeed beautiful, but her looks only made it worse for me, causing my father to be wrapped around her bony spell casting finger.

Oh, how I despise her, and she despises me. Whenever my father's around she acts as if we have the best relationship with each other, when he's not, she acts like I'm some kind of demonic rat that is invading her house. It gets worse. She has three kids. The eldest two, who are twins, are nineteen and act as if they're the president of the whole damn world. Kyle and Seraphina. The witch's offspring. As for the third, being only nine and younger then me, is an Angel. Which is why her name suits her, Angel. Out of the three monsters of the family, her being the fourth, came out being the sweetest thing on earth.

In fact, she's the only reason I haven't ditched this dreadful place yet. To her, I am the older brother that she's always wanted, to me, she's the perfect younger sister. She's even told me that she doesn't like Kyle or Seraphina, which is understandable, considering they're as mean to her as they are to me.

"Connor! Get down here right now!" Evallina, the witch, hissed from behind my bedroom door, nearly beating it out of its hinges. Her tone always got sharper and louder when speaking to me, and if I was with Angel, she always got a tongue lashing from the devils spawn herself.

"Yes your wrinkled highness!" I mocked aloud.

"What was that!? Do you want to do double the dishes!?" Evallina reminded me of a dragon when she yelled, a forked tongue snaking out from behind her teeth, and rancid breath. Although I couldn't see her, I could tell she was silently cursing at me, wishing me to a horrid fate.

"No. Ma'am." I sighed.

I jumped out of bed, grabbing my clothes out of the drawer. I quickly threw on one of my ragged shirts and torn pants. Which is kind of funny, Evallina is rich, because of my father, but she doesn't buy me anything unless I absolutely need it. Therefore, I get stuck with horrible clothes. After brushing my teeth I ran downstairs and into the kitchen. I rolled my eyes at the very little amount of leftovers there was for me. Scarfing down her food next to me was the sweetheart, Angel.

"Hey Connor?" She asked, looking up at me with innocent golden eyes.

"What is it?" I looked over at her smiling.

"Can we go to the park today? Since it's my birthday, I wanna spend the day with you!" Her golden curly hair bouncing as she jumped up from her chair, a huge grin spreading across her face.

"Of course! I wouldn't miss it." I smiled and ruffled her hair.

"Yay! Let's go right now!" She exclaimed, tugging on my hand.

"Okay, okay. I'm coming." I mumbled, my mouth full of food.

I stepped outside, lead by Angel holding my hand and nearly pulling my arm off. We both stopped when we got to the walkway near the road. Looking around, there were turned over cars, knocked down signs, crumbled houses, fires nearly everywhere. If you're wondering why everything looks like crap, well....We're in the middle of a war. Anything in the Continent of Aecus, is trashed. Only the wealthy people live it nice. That's why our house isn't totally demolished. United Aerda and Japan are allied forces, which people call the Alliance of Unity. It's a corny name, but people liked it.

"Come on Connor... I don't like standing out here." Angel said pressed against my leg.

"Alright, alright. It's a long walk, wanna get on my shoulders?" I asked, knowing Angel loved riding on my shoulders.

"Yeah! Giddy up Connor!" Angel said climbing onto my back.

As we walked down the streets there were soldiers everywhere, armed and ready. They always spook me out though, they don't seem...human. I don't know what it is, but...they always have this red gleam in their eyes. Not to mention, their speaking pattern, sounds normal, but if you listen closely it's extremely robotic. I've been told its just to scare people, and if so, it's working. Angel tapped on my head and I looked up. There were 4 gaurds standing in front of us, stopped, and clearly not moving.

"May I help you?" I asked politely as Angel's grip tightened.

"Hello, Mr. Gale. We, were. Sent, by...your father." The soldiers replied in the same robotic voice.

"Ah. I see. What does he want?" I was kind of puzzled. My father usually never askes for us unless it's an emergency. After all, he was the Commander of the Alliance of Unity. Which made me.... the son of the Commander. Everyone respected me, and it was nice but...It's not my thing. I would much rather be treated like everyone else, but that won't happen with my dad being the Commander.

"Evallina. Kyle. And, Seraphina. Have already, been noticed. They are, headed to the station right now. We are here, to bring you. You, and. Miss Fender." The soldiers voice was unnerving. It always gave me shivers.

"Yes sir. We're right behind you." I replied, Angel tugging on my shirt.

"B-but Conny. We were supposed to go to the park today... It's my birthday.." Angel said, sniffing. I could tell tears were about to come from the little girl, and I hated seeing her cry.

"Hey, it's alright! We'll have plenty of time to go once we get back from the station. Alright?" I smiled up at her, and thankfully she smiled back.

We followed behind the men for a few minutes before coming up to a Hum-V. I lifted Angel up and into the seat, then jumped in next to her myself. The ride went by quick, and we slammed to a halt at the station. The soldiers all hopped out, and motioned for us to follow.

"What's going on Conny?" Angel asked, using the nickname she gave me to let me know she was scared.

"I'm sure dad just wants to see us." I said cooly, but I knew that wasn't it.

The corridor was empty, other then a few cleaning robots here and there. I noticed a small red flashing light in the corner of the hallway. If there was one thing I learned from movies, red flashing lights are never good. Although, there wasn't a siren going off, so that helps.

"If it isn't Mr. Gale and Miss. Fender!" The familiar voice brought a smile to my face. My father's brother, Jecht Gale.

"Hey Uncle Jecht. How's it going?" I asked hugging him.

"Uh, actually..Pretty good!" Something wasn't right, I could see a hint of doubt in his expression.

"Uncle Jecht. You're horrible at hiding things, what's going on here?" I looked at him seriously, grabbing Angels hand.

"Damn...You caught me. Look, your dad is moving you guys to Japan." I stared blankly at him.

"What..? What the hell do you mean he's moving us to Japan!?" Curiosity and rage struck me. Curiosity because it made me think of what was happening here for him to have to move us, and Rage because he couldn't tell us himself. "Where the hell is he anyway?" I grumbled.

"You're father is arleady in Japan, waiting for you guys. Look, we have to get out of here. I'll tell you the rest on the flight to Japan." He whipped around and headed towards a huge door. Flicking his finger, a keypad appeared in front of him and he typed in a code, making the massive door shudder.

"I present to you, the SkyBreaker and the Aqualla. The two fastest ships in the Alliance." My uncle said proudly, then remembered something and continued to rush us. We came up to Evallina, standing outside of the Aqualla's entrance, hand on her hip.

"There you are Angel! Come, come. We must be on our way!" Evallina chirped, until she saw me. Her whole expression shifted.

"Come on Conny!" Angel smiled and tugged on my arm.

"Oh no, no, no. Conner, will be riding in the other ship. Mommy doesn't want him to ride with us. Plus, there's just no room." The look on Angel's face crushed me. She looked completely disappointed and destroyed.

"Um. Evallina? Ma'am." I gritted my teeth at the last part. "Is it alright if Angel rides with me?" The only reason, I was polite to this woman, was because of Angel.

"Oh no. That just won't do! She will be riding with me, and only me!" Evillina's black eyes were truly soulless. Her arms had crossed and she never took her eyes off me. Watching me like a hawk hunting it's prey. I forced a fake smile and looked down at Angel.

"Sorry kiddo. Don't worry, I'll see you in Japan. Alright?" Angel wiped away her tears and nodded. I hugged her and stood up. Jecht and I started walking toward the SkyBreaker in silence.

"She's a real piece of work isn't she?" Jecht said grimly. "I honestly have no clue what your father sees in her."

"That makes two of us. Except that when my father's around she acts like a total saint." Uncle Jecht just smiled and looked up.

"Isn't she a beauty? Oh and don't worry, this one is actually much nicer then the Aqualla, but don't tell Evallina." We both laughed for a second then boarded the ship. I looked around the ship and my jaw dropped. Everything was high class. The seats were made of a rare fiber that only the rich could get their hands on. There was a movie theater in the far back, with a popcorn counter. I noticed a sign that said Observatory Room on a door, and next to it was a fancy bar, lined with neon lights.

"I'm going to head up to the cockpit, if you need anything you're welcome to come up there. Oh and your room is on the fourth floor, room 215. One of the suites." Uncle Jecht winked and disappeared behind a thick iron door. At first, I didn't know where to start, but the Observatory kept catching my eye. I glided towards it and gently opened the door. Peering inside, I flipped one of the switches. The light in the middle of the large room flickered on. I was kind of confused at first, because the room was bare, and there was nothing in it. Then I noticed a small podium in the center rising out of the floor, and I slowly walked towards it. I placed my hand over it after it stopped rising, and a whole holographic screen appeared in front of me.

"Well, this is starting to turn out to be more interesting than I expected..." I mumbled scrolling through the settings on the screen.

"Oh? How so?" I jumped and turned around to see a dark brown haired girl standing in front of me, her arms crossed.

"Oh, um, I'm sorry. I didn't realize this was a private room... I'll leave right away." I said scratching my head and walking towards the door. Right as I walked passed her she grabbed my arm. "Huh?"

"I never said it was a private room. It's for everyone on the ship. I asked you how things were more interesting than you expected." She laughed.

"Oh, um. Well...you know.." I stuttered, kind of at a loss of words.

"Don't worry about it. If you want, I can show you how to use this thing." She offered walking towards the screen.

"Um, Sure. That'd be great." I stumbled over to her side. I sat there staring at her as she explained the system. Each setting on the screen turned the room into something. One setting turned the inside into almost like a one way mirror. The outside of the ship was the same, but you could see through the walls from the inside, like glass. Another one, which was one of my favorites was a setting that brought chairs out of the wall and turned the room into a black starry space. You could even see some of the planets, and the sun. Then there was my other favorite, one which brought you deep underwater, and turned the seats into waterbeds.

"Hey, blue eyes." The girl was waving her hand in front of my face and I quickly snapped too. "You've been staring at me for like ten minutes now. Is something wrong?"

"Uh, no. Sorry, kind of spaced out for a second there." For the first time I actually noticed how beautiful she was. She had long dark brown hair, and emerald green eyes. She was fairly skinny, but not anorexic and she was kind of busty. "By the way...May I ask you your name?"

"Eliana, daughter of General Brooks, the man who is one under Commander Gale. You are?"

"I am the son of-" I stopped myself quickly. I couldn't tell her I was the Commander's son, especially since her father was under him. "A First Class Sergeant stationed in Japan...Connor."

"I see. Nice to meet you Connor. Well, It's getting late so I'm off to my room. Oh, what floor are you on?" She asked curiously.

"Fourth floor. Room 215." I replied dully, then realizing I shouldn't have said that.

"Fourth floor suite. Huh. For just a First class Sergeant, you're getting it really good. Better then me actually. Kind of strange, but whatever. My room is 214, one of the other suites. Which happens to be right next to yours..."

"Want to go up together then?" I blurted out.

"Uh, sure...I suppose I could use the company. Get's kind of lonely on this ship." We shut down the room and walked towards the elevator. Then, I realized, I hate elevators.

"Um. I'm gonna take the stairs.." I mumbled looking down. "I could use the exercise."

"No way. You're scared of elevators!" She laughed as my face got red.

"Am not. I just, don't like the music." I played it off cooly.

"Oh come on you baby." She giggled.

"I said I'm not taking the elevator!" I yelled at her. "Oh crap. Sorry, look, I just don't like elevators, and I have my reasons. I'll meet you up there." I looked up to see her shocked face, but my jaw almost dropped when she stepped out of the elevator.

"You can tell me those reasons on the way up the stairs then." She brushed past me and opened the stairs door, then turned and looked at me. "You coming?" I ran to catch up.

"Look, a long time ago, when I was about four years old, I got stuck in an elevator. I know, its hilarious, laugh if you want." I could see her trying to hold back a smile. "Look, it wasn't just that. I got lost from my mom, and the building was on fire and collapsing. It was...the start of the war." Suddenly her face was struck and she was speechless for a moment.

"You mean...you were the little boy they found under all of the rubble at the attack of the Radeon Towers? Which started this whole war?" She asked still dumbfounded.

"You got it. That elevator, almost killed me. I couldn't get out, so I was just stuck there. Luckily it was only the 10th floor, and the fall didn't kill me. I eventually found my parents after they freed me of the debris and rubble, but that day scarred me, and I will probably never be able to get on an elevator again." She looked kind of sad for a moment, then masked her feelings.

"Well now I feel bad. I laughed at it, I didn't know..." I smiled and just shook my head.

"It's fine. You aren't the only one to laugh at it." I noticed we had reached the last floor and stopped. "We're here."

After I walked Eliana to her room and we said our goodbyes, I let out a huge sigh of relief.

"I can't make friends with anyone....Im just thankful I don't have to talk to her anymore. I'm not the social type..." I mumbled to myself as I typed in the code on the holographic keypad. The door swung open and I was awe struck at the size of the room. There were so many things I wanted to check out in it, but that would have to wait until tomorrow. I was extremely tired and the first thing I did was hop into the bed. Suddenly the ship began to shake lightly, which told me we were taking off. Thankfully, the shake of the ship was light enough that it actually put me to sleep faster. Eventually I dozed off and was out.

Chapter 2

The sun's reflection on the water beamed into my room and awakened me. I rolled over and out of the bed, rubbing my eyes.

"That was probably the best sleep I've had in years." I announced aloud.

I stumbled across the room, still extremely tired, and opened the closet doors. At first I didn't notice all of the fancy clothes, but once I finally caught wind of what was in the closet I was wide awake. There were suits, hats, slacks, and expensive looking shoes. I wasn't the dress-up type though, so I stuck to the jeans, sneakers, and shirts. After rummaging through the closest, I realized I was starving. At first I was tempted to go downstairs to see if they had breakfast served, but after taking a look in the refrigerator, there was no way I was letting all of it go to waste. There were only two things that came good from Evillina moving in. The first was Angel, and the second was teaching my self how to cook. Since Evillina and the two monster children hardly ever left me any food, I eventually taught myself how to cook so I didn't starve. I turned on the stove and whipped out the pans, then commenced to raiding the fridge of its items. Eggs, Bacon, Pancakes, and Orange juice, had all just been wiped out from the fridge.

"Bacon, and eggs. Bacon, and eggs. Pancakes!" I sang aloud laughing. My mother used to always sing that song to me while she was cooking breakfast, and to carry it on, I always sing it whenever I'm cooking breakfast.

"Connor, you there? I jumped up and quickly looked around.

"Where the hell are you, and who are you?" I asked seriously.

"Calm down kid. It's Uncle Jecht. Breakfast is in the lounge, why aren't you down here? Oh, also, theres speakers in all of the rooms." Jecht said laughing.

"Jeez...Anyway, I cooked my own breakfast. I'll be down later." I replied sitting back down.

"Strange. Alright, see you then kid." His voice came to an abrupt halt and I could hear the intercom hang itself up.

I quickly scarfed down the rest of my food, grabbed my clothes I had just picked out, and headed towards the bathroom.

"My god. This bathroom is bigger then my damn room back at home..." I mumbled annoyed. I placed my clothes down on the counter near the sink along with a towel, and then jumped into the shower. The hot water felt amazing on my back, and I guided the stream down my arm and onto the floor. I went to grab shampoo, and to my surprise, saw at least 10 different bottles of soap and shampoo.

"Who the hell needs 10 bottles of soap and shampoo...." I asked myself.

I stepped out of the shower and quickly threw on some clothes after I dried off. For some reason, I couldn't find the toothpaste. All of a sudden a box on the wall caught my eye, which held the toothpaste. Squeezing out the toothpaste onto the toothbrush was strange, considering there was a dispenser that said 'Toothpaste dispenser, smile in front of the sensor.' It was sort of puzzling actually, before I realized that it probably had multiple different types, and judging by your teeth, it gave you a certain type. Cleaning up was on a whole new level here. Two small robots came out of a small hole in the wall, and began drying up the floor. Strangely it bugged me. All my life I had cleaned up after myself, and watching two inanimate objects do it for me made me feel useless. Shaking my head, I turned around to face the mirror. My short brown hair blended well with my dark, yet still light complexion, which made my lightning blue eyes stand out even more. I realized I kind of looked skinny, but after being forced to work around the house and yard for Evillina, I had developed some muscles in my arms and stomach. It kind of made me feel proud, although I'm not sure why.

"Come on kid, you're gonna miss the big show!" Uncle Jecht's voice caught me by surprise and I jumped around making Karate noises.

"Damnit Uncle, stop doing that. What's the big show?" I asked tugging out the scrunched up parts of my shirt.

"If you come down to the second floor, I'll show you." Before I could say anything else the intercom made the dead tone after someone hangs up. I sighed and walked out of the bathroom. I noticed that my plate of food was gone when I went to pick it up.

"So much for that. I really wish I could do something for myself here..." I grumbled grabbing a water bottle out of the fridge. After taking a sip, I walked out the door and into the hallway. Eliana caught me off guard when she walked out at the same time as I did. At first she looked at me for a second then smiled.

"You stalking me?" I could make out a hint of happiness in her tone.

"Ha. You only wish." Trying to act cool, I brushed past her and headed towards the stairs.

"Hey! Wait for me!" She yelped chasing after me down the spiral staircase.

"Why are you following me?" I asked rudely.

"Well, you're going to the 'big show' aren't you?" The mischievous smile on her face kind of worried me.

"Yeah...even though I have no clue what this, 'big show', is." Next thing I know, she was in front of me, walking backwards, staring me down. I looked away but continued walking towards her.

"Apparently, we're passing over the Pavillion Ocean." Eliana replied disinterestedly.

"Oh yeah? What's so special about the Pavillion Ocean?" Curiosity took over me, and I couldn't stop myself from asking.

"You don't get out much do you?" I shook my head and she continued. "Well, rumor has it, there's a massive shark who roams it freely. According to people who have claimed they saw it, we will be flying directly over it's favorite place to eat." My eyebrows raised as if to ask if she was serious. When she replied with a shrug, something inside me tingled. I started to get excited just thinking about it. It just so happens, later that day, I would learn that I was a total thrill seeker.

"Sounds interesting. Let's hope it's real." I concealed my thoughts with an indifferent mask, making Eliana frown from not being able to tell if I was serious or not. Suddenly Eliana backed straight into a wall, and I burst out laughing.

"Oww! That's not funny Connor!" She hit my arm as if to scold me.

"Hey, you're the one who ran into the wall." Still smiling, I pushed open the second floor door and walked up beside my Uncle Jecht. "So. A giant shark eh? Is it true?" Uncle Jecht smiled and pointed below us. The entire floor was made of glass and we could see straight down and into the ocean. This must be the glass dome wing I saw in the hangar.

"Does that answer your question?" Suddenly I saw a huge fin rise out of the water and then disappear again. A series of 'Oooh' and 'gasps' brought my attention to the ten to twenty people crowded in the dome.

"Uh, Uncle. Is it safe for all these people to be on this glass?" I whispered in his ear. He nodded quickly and replied sharply.

"Of course! This is reinforced glass. It can withstand up to two tons of pure weight!" We both turned when someone in the back off the glass whistled.

"Amazing glass. Although, there's one thing, you overlooked." The man smiled and placed his leg over his knee.

"What do you me-" Before I could finish my sentence a loud cracking noise stood the hair on my neck straight up. "Everyone get off the glass now!" I yelled as loud as I could. Suddenly, I realized that wasn't such a good idea. All the commotion only made the glass crack faster, but luckily everyone had gotten off in time. Or so I thought. Next thing I know a scream of pure terror filled the room. Quickly I turned around to see a small little girl standing in the middle of a massive crack, a terrified look upon her face. The next few moments everything was in slow motion. I don't know if it was because she reminded me of Angel, or if I was just plumb stupid, but as soon as she went through that glass, I jumped in right behind her. Then the images of the massive shark passed through my mind like a warning alarm.

"DAMNIIIIITTT!" I yelled hurdling towards the water faster and faster with every second. The little girl's screams grew louder and louder as I became closer. Finally I caught up with her a few seconds before we hit the water and I grabbed her tightly. Thankfully, we were both okay....but that wasn't what was worrying me. The splash we made from the fall was huge, and surely made a huge disturbance in the water. It was like a feeding arrow pointing directly at us, and the shark, had seen it. I first noticed the massive fin almost a mile off. I wasn't sure how I could see that far but I knew I was right. My mind was racing and I came up with a conclusion.

"Hey small fry." I breathed out, trying to stay above the water. "What's your name?" When she looked up at me I was shattered. The look of fear, the tears, and her golden eyes and blonde hair, all reminded me of Angel.

"A-Abby. Are we gonna die?" I quickly shook my head and admired her trying to be brave.

"No Abby, we are not going to die. What I need you do to is swim directly under the ship, where the emergency pickup is. Do you see it?" She nodded and suddenly a small raft fell directly in front of us. I silently mumbled my thanks and continued on. "Here." I said throwing her into the raft then going underwater. I hurried back up and leaned over the side. "Get over there as fast and quietly as you can. I'm gonna swim the other way and make as much noise as I can. Alright?" A look dawned on her face.

"But mister! You'll get eaten!" She started to tear up but I could tell she was fighting the tears.

"You're life is more valuable then mine by far. Before I go....Can I tell you a secret Abby?" She quickly nodded and wiped the tears away. "Okay... I'm the Commander's son. Commander Gale? Do you know of him?" She nodded again and interrupted me.

"That's the big guy who is helping keep us safe from the bad guys. My mommy and daddy talk about him a lot. They like him!" I smiled and was thankful that at least someone was getting something good out of my father.

"Yep. When you get up to your parents, I want you to hug them and tell them you love them. Can you do that for me?" Tears started streaming down her face.

"I will mister! I will! But you're not going to die, so you can come with me to tell them!" That's when tears started streaming down my face.

"I sure hope so kiddo. Now hurry, get going! Remember, keep quiet!" She nodded and I gave her a push. She turned back and looked at me for a moment then I had to force myself to turn around. "Okay. Think Connor. The shark's at least less then a mile away now. Guessing it's speed, it should be on me within a minute tops. If I'm going to get out of this, I'm going to have to time everything perfectly. Come on Connor, you can do this." All of those errands I've had to run for the bewitched Evillina finally paid off. My stamina, was excellent. Plus, I could hold my breath for at least 5 minutes. When I was younger, Kyle would hold my head underwater until I was seconds from drowning. Doing so, every time, I could hold my breath longer and longer, till eventually I got old enough and he stopped doing it. As well as my experience in the water, made me an excellent swimmer, and I felt at home in the water. Swimming was what I did to get away from the house for a while, or I would go for a run to the park, so naturally swimming became something I did as often as eating. Now, it was being put to good use.

The next minute went by so slow it felt like I was drowning in hell. Then when the shark was within meters from me, I wished I was back drowning in hell. The fin was covered in scars, and easily outsized me, which scared the hell out of me. If it's fin was bigger then me, how big was the actual shark? I shook my head and cleared my mind. To survive, my plan had to go off without a hitch. Shark's always attack their prey by doing an aerial attack, so if it was as big as I thought, it would get some serious airtime. Which left me at least five seconds to get the hell out of there. The problem was, how was I going to get the hell out of a massive sharks range within five seconds? I had only one idea, swim towards it's launch point. Shark's can turn their heads as well, so I had to get out of a huge attack range. The timing for my movement had to be perfect, or I was done for.

Suddenly the fin disappeared and the shark launched itself out of the water. It was easily the size of a medium sized house, probably at least sixty feet long. Instantly I began swimming towards where it left the water as fast as I could. The air hissed behind me and I closed my eyes tightly. That's when I heard the snap of the shark's massive jaws inches from my neck. For a moment I thought I was dead, but the splash from the shark soaked me and made me snap open my eyes. Suddenly it hit me. Shark's will come for you more then once. I was screwed! I knew a shark's next move was to come directly underneath it's prey, leaving it almost completely vulnerable, which is how I felt right now. I was to afraid to look down, but I couldn't help myself. Fear struck me when I realized I was right. The massive shark was swimming directly underneath me, jaws wide open. Everything else was in slow motion. I turned over to see Abby being pulled up to the ship by a rope and I smiled.

"Good. She made it." I closed my eyes and lay out on my back, just floating there, time feeling like forever. Images of my mom smiling, cooking breakfast, singing, hugging me, all flashed through my mind. I couldn't help but smile, even in my situation. That was one of my mom's traits. She could always make someone smile. Then an innocent little girl with curly blonde hair passed through my thoughts.

"Conny! Conny!" I could almost hear Angel's voice. Her sweet smile, and honey golden eyes completely filled me. That's when it hit me. I couldn't die here. I couldn't leave Angel alone with Evillina. There was no way.... I was going to let her live through hardships by herself. I suddenly snapped my eyes open, and reached into my pocket, pulling out a small object. I held it tightly with one hand, and the string in the other. Time slowly sped back up, the shark's jaws were around me, and everything went black...


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Sun Feb 03, 2013 1:17 pm
guineapiggirl wrote a review...



Aaaaaagh, this is really long!

"No!" My mothers voice screeched as the knife held by the dark figure concealed by the shadows of our cabin, was driven into her chest. I stood there, with tear filled eyes, staring at the dark shadow, who now turned towards me. Suddenly something heavy and cold hit me and everything went black.

This is good, a really dramatic first few lines. Starting with action can get the reader really interested. I have two little nitpicks though. Firstly, there should be an apostrophe in 'mother's voice', because the voice belongs to the mother. Secondly, the first line feels a bit too long. 'the knife HELD BY THE dark figure CONCEALED BY THE shadows of our cabin...' It just feels like there's quite a lot of information in this sentence. I would suggest either cutting some out or splitting it up by making it two sentences.

I sat up quickly, sweat pouring down my face and chest. I've had that nightmare, almost every night, since I was eight. I'm sixteen, still having the same nightmare. The crazy thing is, it's not just a nightmare. Eight years ago, my mother was brutally murdered, and now all I have is my father, who is almost never home. I know what you're thinking, am I always left at home alone? The answer is no. Four years after my mothers death, my father remarried, to an evil witch, named Evillina. Long sleek black hair, black soulless eyes, and a face that could charm any man. She was indeed beautiful, but her looks only made it worse for me, causing my father to be wrapped around her bony spell casting finger.

I really like that bit at the end, 'wrapped around her bony spell casting finger'. I don't like how you've missed out the apostrophe in mother's death. Here's a link:
http://www.apostrophe.org.uk/page2.html
Please read it. You've made quite a few apostrophe mistakes and it can really make your writing look rubbish, when actually you're a really good writer and you're getting everything else right.
Another thing about this is how you're giving us loads of information in a great big 'everything about the character's life' chunk. Why not show us all of this stuff through action, rather than explaining it all to us?

It get's worse. She has three kids. The eldest two, who are twins, are nineteen and act as if they're the president of the whole damn world. Kyle and Seraphina. The witches offspring.

There shouldn't be an apostrophe in gets. There should be an apostrophe in witch's offspring. Also, this seems quite fantastical. There's a witch and they live in a cabin. Saying they act like they're president makes it sound more modern.

What you have next in it is the witchy lady being evil, so you're showing what you've already told. Cut down on the telling and just have it in with what's going on. Introduce the characters during the action.
That's my only real criticism of the piece, other than the stuff about the apostrophes. I've noticed quite a few apostrophe mistakes throughout so please do go to that link and learn about apostrophes.
I do think that other than the apostrophes your writing style is great, and I love the way you describe things, like the witch. I like how you say she's like a dragon when she's talking to him at the beginning. I hope I've helped a little bit!




Tosh12 says...


Thanks! I didn't realize I left out the apostrophe on so many of them. I'll definitely be more careful next time! Also, just to help improve my skills, I will check out that site. There may be some things there that I didn't know!



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Wed Jan 30, 2013 9:06 pm
rwgbookwriter says...






Tosh12 says...


Im sorry? o.o



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Wed Jan 30, 2013 9:33 am
Lycando wrote a review...



Hey there!

You requested me to review chapter 1 of this, but I found myself reading on!

Usually long stories like these turn me off, but this was one of the few exceptions I've had. Firstly because it's kind of a science fiction story here. It takes place in the present probably, but the idea of Conny being moved to Japan and having to board this ship is pretty interesting. You also mention the robotic people, and there's the group called the Alliance of Unity, which I hope will play a pretty major role in your story.

First off, I have to to say the beginning was pretty well done, except that there was this huge paragraph there. Try to split your paragraphs even further. Large chunks of words turn reviewers off, because it can be tricky to read. I like how you describe Evillina as a witch, and how the two other kids were also despicable. It's a little cliche kind of evil stepmother and step siblings, but it's how you build the conflict from the characters that matters.

I find that you didn't mention Conny's father at all. Where was he all this while? Was he already in Japan or at work? Or was he already inside the ship? For such a major character in the story(I assume here that he's a major character) he has to be involved right at the start. You have bits of him mentioned during certain parts but the character himself doesn't appear. In fact, Conny's uncle seems to be the more prominent father figure here.

You did a good job painting Evillina's character even though the dialogue for her was pretty little. I could tell she was pretty mean and especially nasty towards Conny. What I thought could be improved was the description. Description her actions, and looks, and also how she spoke to Conny and Angel. She most probably used a different on them, so show it to the reader. Doing this also further reinforces the idea that she hates Conny.

I didn't exactly get the glass part. It was supposed to hold up to two tons of weight right? So what happened? From being pretty confident that the glass was going to hold to have it shatter to pieces in the next few seconds is pretty ironic. You mentioned a man saying that "something was overlooked". What exactly was it? Also, did Conny find out why the glass broke? To me he seems to be a pretty smart kid who is pretty knowledgeable. The thing is here is he seemed to be able to hold his breath for pretty long. Is that just because he has a good stamina or what? Normally people who are feeling scared will have trouble underwater, but he seemed pretty comfortable. Re work that part to make it more realistic and also explain the minor details there.

Overall this was a really good read. Apart from some grammatical errors, I shan't bother to nitpick them, you could go really far with this. Upon reaching Japan I'm very interested to see how much their live will change. Being thrust from a pretty familiar and comfortable environment to a totally new and strange one can be hard for some people. Just a tip in advance, once Conny does arrive in Japan, let him feel a little uncomfortable, also make Angel cling to him constantly, since she seems to have a liking for him. Lastly, introduce Commander Gale. :)

Hope my review helped!




Tosh12 says...


Thanks! I'll get right on it after school!




ask not what u can do for ur bones but of what ur bones can do for u
— Carina