Young Writers Society

Hey Ent!

Shady here with your review, as requested.

Firstly, there's nothing wrong with being in high school. I fancy I'm a fairly decent writer, and I'm still a lowly high-schooler.

Secondly, I've never seen a poem structured this way. It's interesting.

I like it. I like how the second line is filled with such simple words. It's a nice...beat, I suppose. I liked the way it read. However, it feels like you're missing something. The pace makes it feel like the poem shouldn't end here. You don't wind it down any.

You just keep writing at the same pace you started with, and then suddenly quit. Cut us off. No more is to come. I don't know what to recommend to remedy this, however. Either way, I did enjoy your poem. It was very nice.

If you need anymore help or have any questions feel free to PM or wall me.

Keep Writing!

~Shady

GO FIRE BENDERS! WHOO!

The poem is structured really well, but I thought the writing was very stilted in certain places;
this part particularly:
"I give them lame             
                                                Excuses.
I want to live in my
                                                Fantasies.
Except maybe they’re
                                                Nightmares.
They keep asking for
                                                Explanations."

I thought it didn't really have that dreamy, dark poem poem quality you were going for, and they seem a bit forced, and detract from the overall flow of the poem.
It's good work for a high schooler, but nothing extraordinary. It's like a typical misunderstood teenager's lament. Obviously, I can't really critique this; not when you've, probably, improved over the years already. So, the only thing I can really say is that the poem's good, definitely could be better, and that's about it.

Hi Ashley! I think the first thing I posted when I joined was a piece of work from a few years ago as well. It's a good way to sniff out a site and get a feel for what kind of reviewers are here before you offer up your more recent works. But there's also that nostalgia about something we wrote when we were young!

Annnnd I'll stop rambling now and actually review (well I won't stop rambling, but I will review...)

Specifics

1. The title is fragments so you shouldn't start there or you shouldn't take your title from your first word. It's too obvious. A title is a part of the poem as well so this feels like repetition.

2. Fragments and shards are the same thing so they don't add any other description. It would be better to use an adjective to increase the power of one of the words, rather than have two powerful words battling for attention.

3. Wordiness: There's not a lot of words here but now and then you use one too many or could consolidate to a snappier sentence. A good example is this line:

That’s what I am now.

I keep hidding behind

Hey Purple!

I think you should have known I would sniff out your works, so let's see what you have here!

There are only two things that I want you to look into and, no, they’re not punctuation! *Gasp* I know, I shocked myself.

"I keep kidding behind"

I think you meant "hidding."

"I don't have any"

This line really throws off the balance of what you were trying to create here. Though it fits nicely it was a surprise to go from one word answers to *Bang* a complete sentence (with correct punctuation by the way ;D)

You take all the fun away from reviewing when you have such a great piece! Meanie!
I really loved this piece! I seem to fall in love with your work every time I read a new piece! Your thoughts and emotions play a huge role in what you’re writing and I really have to commend you for effortlessly conveying those feelings to the reader without making your work seem “heavy” and unenjoyable. You are a really magnificent writer and your poetry is just a token to that magnificence! Love, love, love it! Can't wait to read more from you darling!

Good Luck! Happy Writing!

Starleene Out.