Published January 24, 2013
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140,084 Literary Works • 672,996 Reviews
Hey Ent!
Shady here with your review, as requested.
Firstly, there's nothing wrong with being in high school. I fancy I'm a fairly decent writer, and I'm still a lowly high-schooler.
Secondly, I've never seen a poem structured this way. It's interesting.
I like it. I like how the second line is filled with such simple words. It's a nice...beat, I suppose. I liked the way it read. However, it feels like you're missing something. The pace makes it feel like the poem shouldn't end here. You don't wind it down any.
You just keep writing at the same pace you started with, and then suddenly quit. Cut us off. No more is to come. I don't know what to recommend to remedy this, however. Either way, I did enjoy your poem. It was very nice.
If you need anymore help or have any questions feel free to PM or wall me.
Keep Writing!
~Shady
GO FIRE BENDERS! WHOO!
The poem is structured really well, but I thought the writing was very stilted in certain places;
this part particularly:
"I give them lame
Excuses.
I want to live in my
Fantasies.
Except maybe they’re
Nightmares.
They keep asking for
Explanations."
I thought it didn't really have that dreamy, dark poem poem quality you were going for, and they seem a bit forced, and detract from the overall flow of the poem.
It's good work for a high schooler, but nothing extraordinary. It's like a typical misunderstood teenager's lament. Obviously, I can't really critique this; not when you've, probably, improved over the years already. So, the only thing I can really say is that the poem's good, definitely could be better, and that's about it.
Hi Ashley! I think the first thing I posted when I joined was a piece of work from a few years ago as well. It's a good way to sniff out a site and get a feel for what kind of reviewers are here before you offer up your more recent works. But there's also that nostalgia about something we wrote when we were young!
Annnnd I'll stop rambling now and actually review (well I won't stop rambling, but I will review...)
Specifics
1. The title is fragments so you shouldn't start there or you shouldn't take your title from your first word. It's too obvious. A title is a part of the poem as well so this feels like repetition.
2. Fragments and shards are the same thing so they don't add any other description. It would be better to use an adjective to increase the power of one of the words, rather than have two powerful words battling for attention.
3. Wordiness: There's not a lot of words here but now and then you use one too many or could consolidate to a snappier sentence. A good example is this line:
This would read better either as 'That's what I am' or 'That's what I've become' if you wanted to keep the sense of a transition. It adds a smoother flow to the piece.
4. Just a small typo - should be hiding. Although hidden might sound good here and a little more unusual. I'm loving the structure by the way. The short lines and one word refrain works really nicely. I wouldn't mind seeing a few more unusual words in the second section though. If you decided to revamp this, I'd suggest choosing words that are less obvious/ anticipated so each one is a surprise or a twist by itself.
Overall
I like it. I'm struggling to decide if I like the simplicity or if I think it's too simple and that there isn't enough said in the poem or gained from it. I don't come away with a new frame of mind or feeling any particular emotion. But! I do like the structure a lot. Actually, maybe you should take that and write a more recent poem and see what you can do with it? You'd maybe need slightly longer lines to allow for something a bit more in-depth or complex, but the one word refrains are the part of the idea that I like.
So this is good but it needs a little extra punch as at the moment there's only a basic message and no line that gives an eye-blinding image or a heart-wrenching emotion.
I'd love to read something more recent; let me know when you decide to post it up.
See you around!
Heather xxx
Hey Purple!
I think you should have known I would sniff out your works, so let's see what you have here!
There are only two things that I want you to look into and, no, they’re not punctuation! *Gasp* I know, I shocked myself.
"I keep kidding behind"
I think you meant "hidding."
"I don't have any"
This line really throws off the balance of what you were trying to create here. Though it fits nicely it was a surprise to go from one word answers to *Bang* a complete sentence (with correct punctuation by the way ;D)
You take all the fun away from reviewing when you have such a great piece! Meanie!
I really loved this piece! I seem to fall in love with your work every time I read a new piece! Your thoughts and emotions play a huge role in what you’re writing and I really have to commend you for effortlessly conveying those feelings to the reader without making your work seem “heavy” and unenjoyable. You are a really magnificent writer and your poetry is just a token to that magnificence! Love, love, love it! Can't wait to read more from you darling!
Good Luck! Happy Writing!
Starleene Out.