wish i were a ghost

Bloody 'ell that's gorgeous. I apologize for not offering you anything amazing in return, but I can't even think of a way to change it for the better. I mean, I'm scrambling. All I could do was try to get you to structure it differently, but the rhythm is so smooth and the emotion so clear. I wouldn't want to cause this poem to fall to ruin with a few pieces of ill-conceived advice.

So, yeah. Good job, person.

-Cas

Hello,

I will be reviewing this piece.

A title is important because it introduces the poem in a way, and catches the reader’s attention, but I think it needs some revision. The title is the first thing people see. If your poem has a boring title, you’re going to lose potential readers. Think carefully about your title. I suggest maybe revising it and giving it a little more “POW!”

I tell people, “Why are you writing?” and “What are you trying to say?” But you seem to know exactly why you’re writing. You know what you want to say. And your poem, therefore, has meaning that the reader can grasp. Your imagery is phenomenal.

The opening of a poem should be catchy and pull the reader into the poem. However, as catchy as your first line is, it’s also abrupt. It feels like you started writing in the middle of the poem instead of at the beginning.

Good Luck! Keep Writing!!!

Hey there!

Starleene here!

First off, I wanted to welcome you to YWS! We hope you enjoy it here! Well, I'm here to review your work! Let’s get started!

Before I ge tto your work though, I wanted to let you know that the (I) in your title should be capitalized. Any who, let's continue:

“i can’t help but marvel at blood-encrusted fingertips
like bleeding crescent moons rotting over our heads”

Just as in regular sentiency, poetry also calls for you to use proper capitalization and punctuation. If you’re wondering where commas go, just read through your work and when you come to a natural pause, 9 out of 10 times, it’ll be where the comma goes. In this particular line, I can see that the beginning (I) needs to be capitalized. Also, I can see the that the rest of your work relies on the beginning line “I can’t help but marvel,” if you’re going to use this line as the basis of the rest of the piece, then I would suggest that you separate it from the rest of the stanza, thus making it a prominent line that can be referred back to by the reader.


“at old ladies with winding roads folding over their skin
mapping out the cartography of their pasts”

This is a great line that invokes wonderful imagery, but again, don’t forget to capitalize. As I read, I also find that there is a natural pause after the first line. I love the use of cartography though. Don’t forget the period at the end of that sentence.


“at people who will not let their kisses be silenced
even if their lips can’t help but tremble
with the memories of shattered glass palms that stung
they stung they stung and they still sting”

The (a) in “at” should be capitalized, as it is a new sentence. Add a period after tremble so that you can start a new sentence with “with”. Following that thought, you should capitalize the (w) in “with.” The end line is great and the repetition is nice but don’t forget to add commas when there is a list of something. Think of this line as “apples, oranges, and bananas.” Do you see how I separated the list with commas? That’s how your line should read as well. “They stung, they stung, and they still sting. “ Also, before I forget, you should probably add a semi colon after stung, thereby, making the last line its own though.


“people who say fuck a lot
people who smoke a lot
people who stop smiling
for just long enough
so you can catch a glimpse
of pain in their eyes”

Capitalize the (P) in “people,” and add a period after “lot.” Capitalize the (P) in “people,” and add a period after “lot.” Capitalize the (P) in “people,” and add a comma after “smiling” and “enough.” This stanza is confusing, not in the sense that I don’t understand it, but because I don’t understand why it’s there. The rest of your work is really poetic and flows nicely but when I got to this stanza, it really threw off the rhythm I had in my head.


“a role model
is someone
you know
you will never be”

Capitalize the (a) at the beginning of the sentence and add a period after be. I think that the rhythm of this stanza would be better if you made a contraction of “you” and “will.” It seems to flow better when I read it that way.


“i ache to crawl inside the skulls
of everyone i meet
to pocket a bit of their souls
to trace a segment of their skin
onto my own”

Capitalize (I) at the beginning of the sentence as well as the (I) in the second line. Also, add a comma after meet. Capitalize the (T) in “to” and add a semi colon after souls and a period after “own”. If you do this then it’ll make complete thoughts out of both of the lines.


“to memorize the poetry
they don’t even remember writing”

Capitalize the (T) in “to and add a comma after writing, that way the reader knows that this isn’t the end of that particular though and they should read on to get the full extent of the meaning.


“because all i want is to know
what it’s like
to not
be me.”

Capitalize the (b) in “because” and the (I), also, add a comma after “know”. If you read this stanza as a sentence, it doesn’t really make sense unless you add an “it’s” before “what.”

OK, I think that’s everything that I noticed! This is a pretty good piece for a newbie! I went really in depth with your piece because I want you to be the best writer you can! I see a lot of potential in you! So keep writing! I can’t wait to read more from you!

Take a trip to my wall or send me a message if you need any more reviews done!

Good Luck! Happy Writing!

Starleene Out.

Hi starchild! I'll be dropping the tiniest comment on this.

I rather liked this poem, actually. I'm not that good at understanding the meaning (I always keep looking for, like, meanings within meanings and such).

However from this I get the impression you're talking about people who aren't living their lives to the fullest? Or something similar? I hope it is or the rest of this is useless ><

i can’t help but marvel at blood-encrusted fingertips
like bleeding crescent moons rotting over our heads