Young Writers Society

I enjoyed this piece. Once or twice I felt pulled away, but in general I felt the emotion of it. It came in ripples and waves, however, rather than steadily building. I was intrigued at the start, but I was never told what happened, which was disappointing. Also, buzzkill is one word, I believe. According to Urban Dictionary, at least. Take that as you will. That was one thing that pulled me out. The word also lacked strength. How about downer? Something more severe?

Note: Any number below 100 is written out in words. That also bugged me, even though I know people often use numbers rather than words when talking about hours. Beyond that, I really liked that sentence. It bore its weight. But, of course, I have a nitpick. "Then I remember you're gone, and put one back before escaping to the back porch." I believe that's the correct punctuation for that type of sentence.

I find irony in the fact the character doesn't go out and party, talks about not going out in drinking, but gets drunk alone. Was that intended? It seems unintended. Maybe work on that?

The touch thing is a bit cliche, but I suppose correct enough. Maybe try and spice up the wording?

I'm assuming this person lives by the beach...? You could make this clear before I'm like, "Wait, what? Where the heck am I?" Also, an edit: "As the wind fades, I swear I can hear your voice?"

The next paragraph seems haphazard. I suggest looking it over and trying to order the words in a way that makes more general sense. Also the part that's italicized should start with capitalization.

The character seems delusional, as well, so either play it up or play it down, because I'm sort of "Wait, what is happening here?" as well.

Note: Midnight ends a day, not dusk. If anything, I'm a stickler for details and that drew me out of the story again.

Lastly, I enjoyed this, but an edit and some work on ridding the work of cliche would be useful.

-Cas

I like the colorful words and adjectives and how you paint a picture of emotion within the reader. It's deep. It's real.

I felt like the second to last paragraph was wishy-washy and didn't come across as strong as the rest of this piece.

Overall, I like it. A lot. I give you 8.23456 out of 10.

The Farmland Review: 8/10

This is a great piece. A stimulant of "show don't tell" and the show itself, the short story breathes wisdom behind its words.

This sad tale of a young woman who has lost her significant other is not for those faint of heart, as it deals with tragic circumstances, but it is a piece that deals with those circumstances in an appropriate and whimsical way. The narrator really knows what loss is like and barricades herself against the outside world for the entire weekend because of it.

The sensory imagery of the work is outstanding, and while not representing anything exactly new, or "fresh" still manages to make it seem like it was. The author has a clear grip on her voice and style, making the essay fluent and descriptive, while not telling too much or too little.

Perhaps the best thing about this is that tried and tested method of directed ambiguity, which was especially popular in the classic romance genre. Never are we actually told that our heroine has had a close one die, but it is easily inferred and stays constant in knowledge throughout the short essay.

If I were to meet the author in an interview, after some praise and small talk, I might make some small suggestions:

One thing that annoyed me a little without hurting the overall effect of the piece was that dang little word "usually." You can find this word in italics in the second-to-last paragraph, and it reeks of uncertainty. The effect of "I am never far away" is kind of smudged by the immediately juxtaposed "I am USUALLY right by your side." I believe that a good tip would be to either change the word to "always" or delete it in its entirety. The author isn't required by the laws of the writing God to make this edit, but the effervescent deity would most likely strongly suggest it.

Also, the second paragraph has some important hints and details in there, and the author mustn't waste those in repetitive sentence structure (that is, the format of "I .... simple sentence."). Since most of her piece is nicely put together, I would suggest some more sensory details/variety in this paragraph.

Overall though, the essay is a hit, a smash, it will collapse the box office if it were made into a movie, unless Hollywood isn't in its right mind (it usually isn't). I gave it 8 stars out of 10, and that is something, because how many people do you know that make 8 basketball free throws out of 10? Not many.

Great work and keep it up, and may the Farmer's grace be upon you.