Young Writers Society

I like it. I think it could be even better, but I first want to say that I like it.

Second, I want to ask why you wrote this in first person when it's obvious that the speaker is talking about herself. I think the only thing it brings to this poem is a sense of narcissism when the speaker talks about "her lower lip"; this sense of "I am looking at myself and will describe myself in a bright light and pretend someone else said nice things about my lips", even though I know there's nothing subjective in the description of an action. Still, it feels awkward. Unnecessary distance. I can accept a girl feeling like a star. I can't deal with her talking about herself in third person. haha

Next, play to the strengths of the poem:
the idea that this person made everyone forget the brightness of the stars. the word "swallowed" to evoke the darkness and black of space. the modernization of the eating of the forbidden fruit -- because tables just hearken to modern spaces.
Lose the weaknesses as much as you can:
the explanation of the not-socially-completely-acceptableness of homosexuality ("but no one seems to accept it as right either" and the bluntness of explaining the situation as just "loving another girl" and only allowing it to permeate as a twist at the end of the poem.

Like, you can go deeper in this theme. What makes this star afraid? What in particular is she afraid of? Or what sources made her subconsciously afraid? What stories has she heard? What does that translate to in the thoughts that fly through her when she looks at this other girl? Does she like that it feels kind of wrong? Or does that disgust her? Does she not register that and only accept the great beauty?

AND, lastly, is there love beyond the physical for this other girl? Love beyond admiration from a distance?

PM me with any questions or comments on my review, and good luck with your revisions.

Aww... It's the TwistedMuffin!<3 8D

*ahem* Hi, TwistedMuffin. xD

This is one of the cutest poems I've ever read. It was so easy to read, and I truly enjoyed it! In my opinion, this is the kind of piece that can't be easily forgotten. I wouldn't rephrase any line, being honest. However, there are two things I want to talk about that I think should be edited. And that is a typical silly error, and the title.

The "of" from the second line should be edited, because it should be "off" instead. And about the title! It looks more like a sentence than a title. I have read that what is grammatically correct is to capitalized the first letter of every word, excluding the prepositions, and to delete punctuation.

And that's pretty much all I have got to say. This is lovely, girl. Do keep writing!<3

~GeeLyria

It was interesting. I like how the reader can kind of guess and interpret for themselves whether this is about an actual star or a metaphorical one. I like to think of it as a star, since I love the picture of stars as people with personalities and feelings and emotions.
I did notice you wrote of instead of off in the second line.
I remember seeing a couple other mistakes as well, though I can't remember where. But, I'm sure if you read over it one more time you would catch them.
As for improvement, I would have liked even more detail and imagery. Maybe, regardless of whether its metaphorical or not, play up on the stars? I do like the picture of the star hiding under the table. I think a lot of times in poetry more detail is best.
Then again, that could just be me.
Also, I think you could work on the flow. In some parts the rhythm wasn't very smooth, and sounded more like a story than a poem.
Of course, this is all up to you to change or not. It is, after all, your poem.

You are a goddess. Like, I, literally, want to worship at you feet.
This piece is beautiful, and extremely heartbreaking, without being--dare, I say it-- overly emo. Your writing gave me the chills, because you, unlike me, write from your heart.
I'm glad you finally posted something, by the way.
I can't find any mistakes, and maybe that's just my sleep riddled mind, so I'll let someone else nitpick.

Sherlock.

This is a pretty little piece. Good work!
You've got some excellent description in there:
"She can’t seem to rid herself
of the image of your luscious, pink lips,
and your big, hopeful eyes,
and your flawless arched back,
with those legs that are folded shut."
This is very good description. You can really picture the person. Now, I only learnt this yesterday, but I think you ought not to have commas at the ends of all of those lines there. But it's a really good bit of description.
"Forbidden love, that’s what it is.
Yet it is the apple that she eats,
under the table, secretly,
so that no sees her."
Very nice use of a metaphor there Very nice.
Now onto the things that aren't so good or could do with a bit of work or just confused me:
“The stars beyond shall curse you,
Envy you, and haunt you.
For no one remembers what the stars above you look like;
They’re all swallowed in the depth of your beauty.”
Why do you put this into speech/quotation marks? It wasn't clear to me. It's a lovely bit of writing but I don't get why it's in quotes.

She thinks whenever she sees you,
she knows that is what happens when everyone else sees you,
this odd little star.

These two lines are awkward lengths. It doesn't flow and I couldn't make it fit a rhythm.
OVerall, however, this is a beautiful little piece with some really good quality writing.
Keep up the great work!