I ran through the woods as fast as my little legs could carry me. Sunlight streamed through the branches high above me, warming my already sunburnt face. I jumped over rocks and logs, not bothering to stick to the path.
"Don't go far!" my dad yelled out in the wrong direction behind me. "Stay in sight of the camp!" I tried to roll my eyes like the big kids do, only succeeding in crossing them to look at my red nose.
"Ok Daddy!" I shouted back as loud as I could. I turned and kept running until I could barely see our green and yellow tent. I stopped to catch my breath, as that iswhat you are supposed to do when you run a long time. Bent over so that I could almost touch my toes, breathing as hard and loud as one could breathe, I noticed the coolest thing ever in the history of the universe.
A cave. Awesome!
I ran over to the huge opening in the seemingly enormousbluff we'd set up camp beside. I turned, struggling to see our tent through the woods. There! I could still see it! I wasn't to far!
Slowly I tiptoed in. "Any bears in here?" I asked, just to make sure I wasn't disturbing one. You never know, one might decide to hibernate early, as to escape the hot June sun. It had already sunburnt me...
When I got no answer, I decided it must be safe. I walked to the very back, which wasn't very far. I could still see the outside from the back wall. Small cave, I thought disappointedly.
I felt something nudge my toe through my strap-on sandals. A small triangle shaped rock. Wait a sec, an arrowhead!
I bend down to pick it up, rolling it around in my dirty hands. No, not an arrowhead, I concluded after examining it. Just a rock.
I dropped the rock back onto the cave floor. Oh well. I turned around, ready to go back to camp and have some delicious cheese sandwiches, when I saw the scariest thing ever in the entire world.
There was a face on the wall. Not a person's face, but a painting. And it didn't look normal. It was all red and messed up, made out of different shapes and colors. The cheeks were square and red, the eyes big green circles. My dad would call it a "Native American spirit mask." I called it creepy.
The temperature in the cave seemed to drop from dry and super hot down to freezing. Goose bumps popped up all along my arms and neck. Ok, this was getting really scary!
I turned and ran for the opening. Once I was outside, I promptly tripped on a root. Scurrying around onto my back and crap walking away as fast as I could, I saw the back of the cave. The face was gone. Even scarier, someone was there.
The person was a big shadow, he didn't really have a body. Just a shadow. And he was pointing at me.
I ran back to camp as fast as I could.
And I never did tell anyone about the face on the wall...
Ello, ello, ello! Just wanted to say that this was very good short story. It was exactly what most would expect a small child to do. To run off into the woods even when their all sunburnt, I just love it. Reminds me of all the summer camping trips I took with my family. I also like how colorful you described the mask. Most people would have a hard time telling a story from a small child's point of view but in my own opinion, I think it was really good.
Hey, Questio! Here as requested. 
I liked this :3 It was sweet and cute and that character is adorable!
You have a lot of reviews already, so I'll keep this short.
While I liked your story, I did notice that in a few places, the writing didn't seem like it was from a kid in year two, rather someone older in year four or five. I certainly wouldn't have known what an arrowhead was when I was 6 or 7. You could correct those issues or perhaps you could make it so that it was as if he was telling the story as if he was older and remembering something from when he was younger. That could be a path you could choose and that would help you show off your writing skills for that contest
Also, I do think you need some description here. You can use the environment to reflect how the narrator sees things; maybe to give that frightening mood, the forest could be quite dark and you use words that reflect his mood. They didn't really seem that scared and I would've loved to see how they were through their body language and their tone in the narrative.
On that note, I did feel like the story ended far too quickly. I felt like it could've been expanded so that I had a chance to feel frightened and feel the suspense build up: the silence; the short sentences contrasting with longer ones; the sudden actions. I want to feel scared with the narrator and I thought it was too short for that to happen.
And that's all from me! I hope my review helped and if you have any questions, feel free to PM me. Keep writing, and best of luck! 
-Blues.
Hi Questio!
The link didn't tell me which it was you'd like reviewed so I'm terribly sorry if I went for the wrong one. What I'll do though is, I'll add the other one to my list as well so I should get to it in a couple of days and then you'll have a review for each!
Specifics
1. Passive vs active. Okay so you're writing in first person, but your sentences are structured almost as if they were second person. You could easily replace I with he or she and there wouldn't be any problem reading it. The beauty of using first person is you get to be a little more fragmented and to fit the narrator's thoughts and feelings around the words. You get to bring the reader a little closer.
I hope you'll forgive me for playing with your writing, but here's an example of what I'd do with your opening lines:
I was in the woods and the trees ran past me in a blur of brown and green like finger-painting. I moved my legs and I moved to the beat of windmills, hurtling along with the wind. It was bright. The sunlight dazzled me, warming my already sunburnt face. A rock loomed in front of me, then it was behind. I leapt and I soared as I tackled an obstacle course of rocks and logs; paths are pathetic.
2.
This is more of a personalised thing as I think 'Ok' has now become a recognised abbreviation, though it's usually written O.K. Even that looks wrong to me and I'd rather see people write 'okay' out in full."Ok Daddy!"
Hey there Questio,
I'm here as requested. I apologize for any repeats as I just skimmed over the other reviews.
And don't worry! I'm not good at first person either.
You have definitely gotten some reviews on grammar, so I'm going to focus on a few more general things. Don't get me wrong! Grammar is important.
First, I don't think you suck at first person. I actually thought you pulled this off quite charmingly. The MC is young and sweet. It makes me think of the good ole days when we half expected an animal to respond and believed any rock could be a artifact.
I have a few nitpicks:
Sunlight streamed through the branches high above me, warming my already sunburnt face...
It had already sunburnt me...
"Don't go far!" my dad yelled out in the wrong direction behind me.
I tried to roll my eyes like the big kids do, only succeeding in crossing them to look at my red nose.
I stopped to catch my breath, as that iswhat you are supposed to do when you run a long time.
I noticed the coolest thing ever in the history of the universe.
A cave. Awesome!
seemingly enormousbluff
Small cave, I thought disappointedly.
the scariest thing ever in the entire world.
Hey!
Starleene here!
I believe that any writer should have the best shot and to do that you need an excellent review, regardless of age. Not that I'm promising that, but I think all of your reviews should provide you with a stable base.
To begin:
"Don't go far!" my dad yelled out in the wrong direction behind me. "Stay in sight of the camp!"
Because you used an exclamation point and ended the thought my should be capitalized.
“I stopped to catch my breath, as that iswhat you are supposed to do when you run a long time.”
Separate is and what in this sentence.
“Bent over so that I could almost touch my toes, breathing as hard and loud as one could breathe, I noticed the coolest thing ever in the history of the universe.”
I think by adding “in the history of the universe” you take the writing from a childs point of view to childish. It could do without it completely.
“ A cave. Awesome! ”
Hmm, I don’t think you need to add awesome to show how excited the MC (Main character) is to see it.
“I ran over to the huge opening in the seemingly enormousbluff we'd set up camp beside.”
Separate enormous and bluff, I believe that was a slight typo here.
“I turned, struggling to see our tent through the woods. There! I could still see it! I wasn't to far!”
Too not to. I believe one of the other writers mentioned a website to help you with the difference.
“When I got no answer, I decided it must be safe.”
I don’t think a bear would answer…especially if it were hibernating; just a thought.
“I felt something nudge my toe through my strap-on sandals. A small triangle shaped rock. Wait a sec, an arrowhead!”
“I felt my foot nudge something” would probably fit more properly into this sentence as the rock is an inanimate object and can’t move on its own.
“I bend down to pick it up, rolling it around in my dirty hands. No, not an arrowhead, I concluded after examining it. Just a rock.”
“I bend down to pick it up, rolling it around in my dirty hands.
No not an arrowhead, I concluded after examining it, just a rock.”
Separate the MCs thoughts from the actual writing. It helps and I’ve gotten this critique many times.
“…when I saw the scariest thing ever in the entire world.”
This sentence is written in a very childlike manor. You should probably re-examine it and see what other options you could come up with.
“My dad would call it a "Native American spirit mask."’
How does he know what his dad would call it? Does his dad work in a career field like this maybe you should tell us how he would know what the painting is called.
“Ok, this was getting really scary!”
This is also the MCs thoughts and should be separated from the sentence.
“Scurrying around onto my back and crap walking away as fast as I could, I saw the back of the cave.”
I believe you meant “crab.”
“And I never did tell anyone about the face on the wall...”
You should never start a sentence with and or but.
All in all this was a good piece that could use some work! Great Job! Can’t wait to see some more from you!
Starleene Out.
Though it is supposed to be told from a child%u2019s stand point, it doesn't necessarily have to be written like a child with childlike mistakes.I'm not going to nitpick about small things cause you are 14, and I probably can't expect work that is really impressive. I was not any better than you when I was 14, so totally respect what you've written.
Now, for the things, according to me, you shouldn't use lines like, "scariest thing ever in the entire world", for it does not sound really good while describing a scene where you are feeling scary. You get the point that it is scariest thing that the narrator had encountered but it does not carry the weight of the terror the protagonist is feeling, so try not to use it.
Instead use, "If he wouldn't have seen it, he wouldn't have known the meaning of terror which now surged through him without warning."
You know something like that which makes it more serious and carry the expression of the scene just fine.
And also, "Ok, this was getting really scary!".
It seems very casual and the reader does not feel the expression behind the scene, the horror remains dead under these lines, you see, so ignore them for next time.
Rest, if you really want to get better, which I think you want, the best thing is read as much as you can. You'll learn naturally.
Best of luck!
Blakey789
First off, this is alright. Your idea is okay, I mean... it's hard to write from a child's point of view. You managed.
When you said 'Awesome!' you didn't show the child's excitement to the awesomeness of the cave. And when you said 'Ok, this was getting really scary!' I didn't get the impression of her fright either. You have to be more descriptive.
Grammar: 8/10
Spelling: 9.5/10 You wrote 'crap' instead of 'crab'. I'm sure she didn't crap walk. If that's even a walk. Lol.
Re-read your story and find the errors you have. Correct them.
I understand that children want to be like 'big kids' but your character makes it sort of stereotypical. Show us why she wants to be like the 'big kids'.
Other than this ^^ you have done a good job. I wouldn't read it again though, it didn't necessarily pull me in. If you do want more readers, you have to make the whole story more believable. More child-like as well. I want to feel like the child while I read.
Inform me when you write more, I want to read more form you!
Nike
I've noticed that you've done lots of reviews yourself (well done!), so here I am to give you a little review Hey, you're newish. Welcome to YWS, the most awesome place on the web!
This is an awesome little piece. I really enjoyed it. Although not something I tend to enjoy reading, I really liked the chatty style of the young narrator, all the 'awesome' and 'cool' and 'like the big kids'. You did it really well. I wouldn't read something in that style myself but I think you did the style excellently.
I also like your little plot. It had me a bit creeped out by the end! This is a really interesting little piece.
Now, onto your negatives, which were nearly all spelling or grammar.
seemingly enormousbluff we'd set up camp beside. I turned, struggling to see our tent through the woods. There! I could still see it! I wasn't to far!
Two things in this section. I've no idea what you're on about with the enormousbluff. Also, I wasn't to far should be I wasn't too far. Hey, here's a link to explain the rule to you: http://toortoo.com/ THere you are. Enjoy!
behind me. "Stay
Because you're continuing the speech, the full stop should be a comma. I think...
ne might decide to hibernate early, as to escape the hot June sun
So as to escape the...?
it. Just a rock.
Ah yes. Again, should be a comma.
back and crap walking away as fast as I could
I don't really get your use of the word crap here.
I ran back to camp as fast as I could.
And I never did tell anyone about the face on the wall...
The end feels rushed.
OVerall, a great little piece. Keep up the good work!
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