Young Writers Society

Hi again!

Okay so now I have some context, which is good as I'm sure that will help me understand what's going on. I'd first like to say that I can see you have the deep red in there - very nice! It's fun to elude to other poems and I love little triggers like that which shoot back to something else, whether it's a literary reference or an internal one.

Specifics

1. The first stanza reads too much like prose and the only interesting part is that first line because secret! Oh my gosh are secrets always fun! But- I think you need to play with the wording a bit to make it more poetic and more interesting to read. At the moment it doesn't have a strong enough tone. I'd love if this felt more like we were the confidante of the persona and she was telling us of what happened and being bitter/ honest about it. I know this is based on something real and that's great, but you need to be a little bit flexible with poetry and give it an extra punch.

How about going for quite a colloquial tone but with a few word switches thrown in? I'm not very good at explaining this stuff in words, so I'm going to try to show you instead! Or, OR - new idea! Maybe direct the poem at the best friend and use a little poetic license to show this happening in present tense?

They're difficult to keep in, secrets,
can you keep them? Can you
understand why I blush Deep Red
for your best friend.

2. This is too quick! It's also very sad, but if you slowed it down a bit, that would add more dramatic effect. I think you need to avoid phrases like 'my heart stops' as these are too over used and don't make us feel anything anymore. What's that feeling like? How else can you describe it? Also, I want this from her point of view. Saying 'as she hits enter' doesn't work for me. She can't see her hitting enter so it's strange for her to describe it in that way. I'd rather see something more visual so maybe describe the sound the chat box makes or how the words flash up?

3. Spice it up a little! You've got some good bones here but they need a little extra flesh in places - choose your words more carefully. For example, you have 'I shut the window' but why not change shut to a different verb? It's very ordinary and the line might be more interesting as 'I remove the window' which doesn't directly make sense but it adds a level of drama. Think of it as a kind of hyperbole! Or you could have 'I cage the window' which would be quite interesting and get in some darker imagery. Building in words like that can help to set the tone for the rest of your poem!

4. I don't think that you can say the boy took your heart as that's perhaps giving him too active a role! Annnnd I'm more interested in the relationship between the persona and the best friend - it feels to me like this would be a stronger poem if the emphasis were placed there.

Overall

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a hard time, but it's good to see you're using it productively! Personal poems like this can be tricky to write as you need to find a point of interest for your reader, but I think you did quite well here. It's more emotional than the last piece and I think it's a good first draft, but I would like to see you use more interesting imagery and language. The simple approach is good sometimes but there isn't a line that I will wake up tomorrow thinking about or puzzling over the meaning. And my favourite poems are always the ones that stick with you for a couple of days!

All the best, dear and I'll hopefully catch you soon!

Heather xxx

Lylas,
this is a little confusing. I really like how the beat, the emotion, and the words flow together, but you're switching pretenses from his, her, and my that it's hard to tell who's talking. At first it sounded like the girl was talking, and then I thought that the guy was talking, and then back to the woman.
For example: "my heart stops as she hits enter."
"and now my heart is broken for he had already took it."
who is really talking? Or are they both talking? If they're both talking, then you need a transition sentence between the paragraphs so the reader can tell who is talking!
Other than some confusion with who is talking, I enjoyed your poem. Also, why is she sad? Don't they love each other or something?
Keep on writing!
Dragonrider

Hey Lylas!

I really liked some parts of this. My favorite line was "and my heart stops as she hits enter". I also enjoyed the dramatic tone overall.

However, some choices about the structure seemed strange. Why is there a comma at the end of every line? Sometimes it fits, but many times it doesn't. This is distracting to the reader and takes the focus off the piece itself. Another odd choice was making some things capital when they normally wouldn't. While capital letters can be used for emphasis, it doesn't really fit in this piece. The inconsistent rhyme scheme seemed odd as well. I might go back and decide if you want this piece to rhyme or not.

Last thing, the line "into the reckless lost of love" made little sense as written. Did you mean "reckless loss of love"? That makes more grammatical sense but still seems strange, as it seems the speaker did not have love to lose. "The reckless hope for love" might work better, but it's up to you.

Overall, I enjoyed the story told in this piece. It might be made stronger if you reconsidered the structure. Good job and keep writing!

I like this poem. I'm assuming it's free style, because I couldn't find an easy pattern for the rhythm to follow. While it oozed emotion, I had trouble telling exactly what story you were trying to convey. I got the whole relationship-drama thing, but I couldn't tell who she was sad about.
The betrayed trust thing is obvious, and painfully beautiful. I thought it was really awesome. Can't wait to read more.

Depressing, but well-written.