Young Writers Society

Hey there!

Starleene here!

It’s review day and you were at the top of my list! I hope you enjoy the review! Let’s commence!

“The evening light barely leaked through the dense canopy of ash and maple leaves, splattering the forest floor with sun in only a few places.”

Love this line. Very vivid and eye catching, it drags the reader in. I notice that later on you mention that the day wore on, but here you state that it’s already evening. Just make sure that your story collaborates with each other.

“The figure of a young man could only be seen as a shadow, slinking through the maze of tree trunks that riddled the silent forest around him with a haunting fluidity.”

Hmm this seems kind of like a run on sentence but I think that you could remedy this if you add a comma after “him.” I would consider revision though, besides that I really enjoyed this sentence and the imagery it brought to mind.

“Jayden stopped when he noticed that the feline's ears were twitching.”

I don’t know but I think that “were” throws off the feel of the sentence. It seems like a filler word. I think that the sentence would be more polished if this word were eliminated.

“The bobcat swung its huge head around”

Just FYI, bobcats aren’t that big. In fact they are hardly bigger than a dog. Just an imagery block that’s all.

“…the squirrel dangling limply from it's mouth.”

You used the wrong form of “It,” the one you’re looking for is “its.”

“Purring loudly, the cat placed a muddy paw on the boy's deerskin leather pants.”

The bobcat makes a sound called caterwauling. Caterwauling is a range of meows apparently for the purpose of mating. It can also make sounds common to all cats, such as hissing, spitting, chattering and purring. Good call! A lot of people would think that wild animals wouldn’t make the sound of a domestic animal, this makes it very believable!
“Jayden looked at Bob playfully”

I thought the bobcats name was Nug?

“…with it's large green eyes”

Again, wrong for you “it.” The correct form should be “Its.”

“…which reflected the boy's own violet-gray eyes”

“… to the chide of birds or the occasional chatter of an angry squirrel…”

“Chide means to rebut or rebuke, it doesn’t add to the atmosphere of the forest if the birds are chiding poor Jayden as he’s walking.

“Afterwords, he turned and walked a few feet to an old, weathered looking oak.”

“After” (space) “Words.” Don’t worry, it’s a common mistake.

“...home from the time he was eight.”

This line makes me think. If the boy had lived in the forest I don’t think that he would actually know how old he is. I don’t even think in this time they kept track of how old someone was.

“The branch was at least five feet thick and as wide as he was tall.”

“… or else cleaning animals would become difficult.”

I don’t think that this line is needed. It’s one of those things that’s understood and doesn’t need to be explained. It makes the line seem stuffy.

“ As the day wore on, he finished preparing all the meats and set them up to smoke on a spit over a small fire he had made in a pit he had carved out and lined with stone.”

This is definitely a mouth full! I would consider combing a couple of the sentences to make them more manageable.

“ Hey lay down and, like always, began to think about his plans for the next day until his mind drifted off to some deeper thoughts.”

A slight typo here, I think you meant “He.” And also add a comma after “day.”

“Shaking his head before thoughts of his father that were sure to come to him, Jayden forced himself to move his mind onto less emotional things.”


The first part of this sentence is kind of confusing but I think that it may just be because a couple wrong word choices. I think that this line would read better if you said something like “Shaking his head before thoughts of his father could enter, Jayden forced himself to move his mind onto less emotional things.”

‘"I told you we should have camped back there! Now what do we do?" a deep”

Capitalize the (A) in “a.”

“ Jayden literally jumped up and immediately was in panic mode. His heart started to race and he could feel adrenaline rising up in him.”

Considering that Jayden has lived in the forest for a couple years, he would have had time to adjust to sudden noises and such. I think it would be more probable that Jayden would try to copy his Bobcat friend in the way of the predator. Jayden wouldn’t want to jump, he wouldn’t want to make any sudden noises and would have trained himself to do that. I think it’s more probable that immediately his senses heightened and he became aware of the people below him and adjusted his heart rate accordingly. Just a thought to ponder!

“ That's where Jayden got his cleaning knife.”

Great background! No loose ties is what I always say! Make sure everything has a connection.

Never had another human come this far into the forest. He had no choice but to stay as still and quiet as possible and hope they didn't notice his presence.

“… so long!" came another, higher voice…”

Don’t forget to capitalize the “C” in “came.”

‘"Apparently NOT!" said the high voice angrily.”

I don’t think that it’s necessary to state that the person answered back, it’s apparent. It’s also very distracting to keep reading different variations of “said.” Don’t you think?

“…they had risen his interest…”

I think that the perfect word for “risen” here would be “peaked his interest,” as in “raised?” You can choose to use this work if you like.

“…looked like they were one piece, closely fitted black things that covered them from the neck down.”

This is a great description and I could totally picture it in my head!

"… get out of this jip-place and go get an upgrade." He kicked the side of the oak impatiently.
Jayden's heart stopped.”

I like how you thought about the way the characters speak. I also like that you thought up slang for them, it makes them seem more real. Like you would see them walking down the street.

‘"Is it really worth that much, Doris?" asked the other boy, who was shorter and thinner.”

Don’t forget to capitalize the “a” in “ask.”

“He looked weak and was very pale with thick, black framed glasses and neatly cut brown hair that was formed around his head like a helmet.”

Great description! I love it! I can so see this guy with helmet hair!

“…went over this, Lakota!" replied Doris…”

Again, don’t forget to capitalize the “r” in “replied.” When a sentence in quotation marks ends with a period, question mark, or exclamation mark, the preceding word after the closing of the quotations is capitalized.

“After they had went”

I think a better work would be “left.” It seems to flow a lot better than “went.”

This was really well thought out! I like these kinds of stories! The only criticism I would give is to think about your wording a little better because there were a couple places where I wanted to cringe because I heard it so many times. Also, I think that if you want to emphasis excitment or anger, watch the capitalization. It seems really unprofessional. Otherwise, I like where this is going and I can’t wait to see more from you!
If you have questions, let me know!

Good Luck. Happy Writing!

Starleene out!

Hey there Kakali,
I said I'd get to this today, so I am, if it kills me...
Hopefully it won't.
I must say, as awful as it is, I'm slightly glad Kafka was unsuccessful with his first review transfer, not that this one wasn't fantastic. I saw the green name and almost had heart palpitations. Mods intimidate me. O.o
I'm going to jump right into critiques and give you the happy news at the end.

The feline was stalking its prey carefully, padding as quietly as if it were walking on the air itself.

Suddenly the cat stopped. When the feline started tilting his disc-like ears forward, Jayden froze on the spot.

He prepared himself to capture the squirrel if the bobcat failed to.

He bent over to pick up the squirrel's body, opened up a pouch that was on his belt, and dropped the rodent inside. It now was alongside two grouse, three rabbits, and a mouse.

It only was a matter of seconds before Jayden reached the large tree limb near the top of the tree that he had called home from the time he was six.

he noticed it was starting to become dull and made note to sharpen it later.

Jayden rarely thought about his life before he was abandoned in the forest, but today something sparked a feeling he hadn't felt for a while.

Jayden forced himself to move his mind onto more convenient things.

Humans!

He had only got close to one once,

Never, though had another human come this far into the forest.

He looked down at his own clothes, a loosely worn leather tunic, with baggy leather pants underneath it.

"Not only what they say, but what they wear is weird.”

So last night I wrote a big long review on this; I came back here to check on it, and it's disappeared! Where it went off to I have no idea, but in the meantime, I'll see if I can recreate it.

This was a smooth read that held my attention. The writing wasn't jarring, if a bit basic. Your protagonist is intriguing and I'd like to discover more about him. It's very reminiscent of My Side of the Mountain, if you've read it.

That said, I think my biggest problem with this is that it doesn't feel like a first chapter at all; rather, it's something I'd expect to find a bit deeper into the story. There are minimal introductions and no history is given to elucidate the situation of the protagonist. It that sense it felt rushed, delving into a conflict too early and starting off the story with too fast a pace. It makes the crisis you present at the end seem superficial—why should I care for Bob? I hardly even know him.

So how would you go about fixing this. First, answer some of the reader's immediate questions, such as Has he been living in the woods his whole life? and If not, how did he get into that situation? and Why does he hate humans? No need to go into great detail (in fact, don't), but just a sentence or two, or even just a hint here and there, would be much appreciated.

Let's see. Last, your diction made me feel like I was watching some Cartoon Network show, at times.

“All right, all right!” Jayden laughed, pushing the clawed foot off of his leg, “So what did we catch today, Bob?”

He had to find and protect his best friend, Bob.

This is very good. I like it, can't wait to read more. I wounder what will happen next. Is Jayden a human? Keep going with this. If you need help, I can help edit, i'm not perfect, but I'm good.

Hey Kakali! Auxiira here! I'm going to review your Chapter so here we go!

I really like this. You start off with a feral side with Jayden and his bobcat, then you get to a sci-fi side with the four children.

I definitely like to know more about Jayden. We can tell that something bad happen in his past and it makes him very mysterious. I like the fact that he's tamed a bobcat and that he lives out in the forest (it's something that I'd love to do^^). He also doesn't seem to identify himself with humans (please correct me if I'm wrong) and that really makes me wonder what exactly happened to him.

I really want to meet the other people too, they seem really interesting with different abilities. I like the fact that they're hunting Bob for money or points or whatever it is. They bring a hint of danger to the story.

One thing:

A hand-made blanket lay in the midst of the limb, and he stepped onto the branch and went over to sit down on it.

This is a good story line, I've only read one book similar to this, so good job on originality. Jayden is kind of a conflicting character, he lives in the forest, so he should be almost animal. And it shows that in the beginning, but the part that really didn't match was where he wanted to scream. A predator's natural reaction would be to attack if something startles it, screaming is pretty human. Can I also ask a question, what is a jip-place? Can you do me a favor too, can you please review my story Rye-lie? I only have two reviews, and one is my sister.

Good story overall though. I really liked it.