z

Young Writers Society



gust of wind

by rwgbookwriter


A gust of wind blew his cloak left and right as he attempted to use it to cover his face. It was hard to hold it with one hand, as his other was being used to carry his bow, with an arrow already knocked ready to shoot. You never knew when a wolf could attack. The Air was cold. Far too cold for late summer. Lyle Siftin knew the Climate in Ralkin like the back of his hand. Almost every local did. Hot summers and mild winters with little to no snow. It had been like that for as long as Lyle could remember. But today was different. Lyle was fairly tall at 6 feet, and he had black hair.

However, there was something about him that wasn’t common. His eyes were red. Nobody ever talked about it, but he has seen them looking. Luckily, he had learned to ignore it. He had been walking down the road all day. It was a dirt path that went through the forest and around the entire Slinxiv Lake. He was probably the only person in Ralkin that walked this road, because not only was the lake miles long, but it was miles wide as well. It was an all day trip to walk around it, sunrise to sunset. He thought it was worth it though. The forest was always a dark shade of green, and the bushes were always big and full of life. There was always a bird brushing the top of the trees, and a deer here and there. He has always wanted to bring his father down the road with him, but it just never happened. He was always busy with work. Elvin Siftin was a member of the Board. The Board of Ralkin consisted of 5 councilmen, 5 councilwomen, and 1 chairman. With only 11 spots in the Board, it was an honor to be a member. Elvin had been elected 3 times in a row. People just thought he was good for the job. The next election is tomorrow. I wonder if dad will win again. Lyle began laughing to himself. There was really no reason his dad wouldn’t win. He had done everything right. He looked up to the sky. The sun was setting. He hadn’t realized how late it was getting. The sunset was a dark shade of crimson with small spots of purple around the edges. It was the oddest sunset Lyle had ever seen. “What’s going on today?” He mumbled. He quickly dismissed the thought. An old phrase popped into his head. “Don’t let the mind play tricks on you, or it will be the end of you.” He always heard Chairman Forslin using that phrase. It seemed it was a lot more usable these days. It was getting even colder. He started to see his own breath. The end of the road was in sight. He was surprised to see lights coming from the Inn. Most people were asleep this late at night. His thoughts were suddenly cut short. The air wasn’t the same. It was still cold, but… it felt, mysteriously tight. His vision began getting blurry. The sound of his footsteps slowly faded away. He felt like collapsing, but suddenly a voice boomed into his head. He jumped backwards and fell on his back. He shot back up and was surprised to see Tyrian Tenmar. “What is your problem Lyle? Are you feeling OK?” Tyrian was one of Lyle’s childhood friends, as he was the same age as Lyle. He was shorter then Lyle, but still fairly tall. He had dark brown hair and brown eyes, like most people in Ralkin. Tyrian always caused mischief. He was a natural troublemaker, and while Lyle hated to admit it, sometimes he enjoyed Tyrian’s stupid pranks. “Wow, its cold out today!” Tyrian Remarked. “I can see my own breath!” “Tyrian, why are you out so late?” Lyle was usually the only person out this late, and that was only when he walked the Slinxiv Road. He started thinking about what happened to his vision earlier, but he was cut short by Tyrian’s response. “Everybody is up late tonight. The election is tomorrow, so everyone is planning the after party. They just finished a little while ago. They’re all just hanging out in the Inn now. I left to get some fresh air, but I’m thinking twice now that I’ve felt how cold it is out here.” Tyrian’s face quickly changed to a frown. “What happened to you earlier? You just fell down.” “I’m just tired, that’s all. Nothing more, I’m sure.” Tyrian just shrugged and turned around. He began talking while walking back to the inn. “You should come to the Inn. Your dad was wondering where you were.” Tyrian took off without an answer. He always walked fast, being the impatient person he was. Lyle grinned, and decided to follow him. He was starving. He began walking toward the Inn. Ralkin was a small village, away from most of the rest of the world. The houses were all made of Oak wood, and they were all in rows and columns. Each house looked different. Since Ralkin was small, everyone in the village knew just about everyone else. Most locals were farmers, and if they didn’t farm, hey sold food and wares at the market. It was a simple and prosperous village. Lyle saw Tyrian enter the Inn only a few steps away. The Inn was made of fine cut wood and it had a sign on the front of it that said “Welcome to the Hideaway Inn!” It used to have a lot of competition around town, but eventually, it was the only Inn in Ralkin. Lyle opened the door and felt the warm air rush against him as the door shut behind. All around the Inn were people drinking and laughing. The Inn was the favorite place to converse with others, and it was even the place where the Board met for meetings. The Inn was fairly big. It had 4 long tables in the center, and then over a dozen round tables on each wall. Then there were 4 large round tables in each corner. There was a fireplace at the far side of the building. It was large enough to accommodate everyone inside, especially on a cold night like this. Tyrian wasn’t kidding. This place is filled. He could see Tyrian already dancing around. Then there was a bunch of men at the bar, including Den Tenmar, Tyrian’s father. They were all telling stories that were obviously not true, but the men were drunk enough to believe them. He noticed Ann Enmal, one of the women in the Board, lecturing Edward Secuin. There were tons of people in the Inn that Lyle recognized, but he kept losing sight of them because of all the dancing going on.

Right when he was about to give up looking for his dad, he caught a glimpse of him sitting at one of the bigger tables in the corner. When he arrived, he saw that the table was occupied by not only his father, but his brother, Rane, as well. Rane and Elvin looked very alike. They each had fairly light brown hair, and light brown eyes. They each were the same height as Lyle as well. He began hearing the conversation between them, but suddenly he realized how tired he was. After walking the road all day, seeing a table to sit at was wonderful. He dropped into the seat next to his dad and he felt all of his leg muscles relax. He saw one of the servers run up to him, and he noticed that it was Elliot Credvo. Elliot was a shy boy, a year younger than Lyle. He had blond hair and he was short and frail. Some of the other boys didn’t like him because he was so timid, but he was a nice person. Before Lyle could even say hi, Elliot started shooting words out of his mouth in an instant. “Hey Lyle, you are in late tonight! It’s a really crowded day here. How are you doing? Are you hungry? Thirsty? I could get you anything you need, on the house if you would like.” Lyle stopped him before he could finish catching his breath. “Elliot, settle down. I’ll take some potato soup, and I’ll pay.” Lyle started laughing quietly. “You don’t have to talk so quick you know, take your time.” Elliot’s face got red from obvious embarrassment, but he nodded and ran off to the kitchen. Lyle sighed and turned to his father. He started listening to their conversation. “Great job, Rane my boy! You will master farming years before I could! Everything you grew went great this year!” he patted Rane on the back. “Will you ever disappoint me?” They laughed together. Elvin turned around when he noticed Lyle’s presence. Lyle almost never saw him this happy. “Where have you been, Lyle? You started to worry me. We had a great time planning the election party tomorrow.” Lyle was about to respond, but Rane cut him short. “He was probably walking that stupid path again. I saw him leaving early at sunrise today.” Elvin raised his eyebrows, and Rane grinned at getting Lyle in trouble. He always does this. Always, damn it. “It’s not stupid, it clears my head.” Lyle shot a glare at Rane, and he returned it in full. Rane wouldn’t understand. He was always too busy getting attention from everyone. He was the best young farmer in Ralkin, and he was getting taught how to use a sword as well. Rane had received the family sword when he turned 18 a year ago. The family sword was a long sword that had a blade and hilt as hard as steel, but the color of bronze. It was an odd site. Elvin always gave him lessons ever since, and Rane felt superior to Lyle in every way now. “Lyle,” Elvin began. “You shouldn’t go off alone like that all day. You never know what could happen.” Lyle could tell that he was trying his best not to get mad. Why should he? He spends so much time with Rane, why should I matter? Lyle stopped himself before he got worked up about it. “I am sorry dad; I was just in the mood.” Elvin nodded and let it be. Elliot suddenly appeared next to Lyle and handed him his potato soup. “Thank's Elliot. I’m starving!” Elliot laughed and ran off to serve more people. Lyle started to eat the soup so fast that by the time he realized what he was doing, he had already eaten half of it. Elvin laughed. His dad got his attention and made a remark on his eating “Lyle, I realize you’re hungry, but don’t eat too fast. I don’t need you getting sick all over the table.” Lyle laughed and began to eat slower. After walking all day, the soup at “The Hideaway Inn” was delicious. “So, dad,” Rane began. “Are you nervous about tomorrow?” Lyle sensed a bit of amusement in his voice, probably because their father had won the last 3 elections. “I hear that there might be a candidate to take your spot!” Elvin frowned. “I sure hope not.” He mumbled. A quick fake laugh came out of his mouth. Elvin got up to go get a drink at the bar. He obviously longed for a good story from one of the drunken men. A fake story, but a good one none the less. Lyle finished his soup, and got up to take the bowl to the kitchen. He noticed that his legs felt much better now. A few steps toward the kitchen and suddenly Henry Wincmar appeared in front of him. Henry was another one of Lyle’s childhood friends. He was the same age as Lyle and Tyrian. He had brownish blond hair, and blue eyes. He was a built person for his age. His usual job around town was chopping wood. He enjoyed muscle work, but surprisingly, he was a soft guy. His favorite pass time was reading the few books that existed in Ralkin. “Hey, Henry, how are you?” Before Henry could respond, the crowd of people caused them both to move out of the middle of the Inn and sit down at a small round table. “I’m doing well. Well enough, that is. I worked out in the fields all day today.” Farming wasn’t Henry’s thing. As if he read his mind, he said “I hate farming, you know?” Lyle laughed at his face. It was like that of utter despair. “Oh, calm down. You’re going to have to farm every once in a while.” Henry nodded in a sad way. Lyle got up to take his bowl to the kitchen, but before he could, Tyrian ran up to the table. He looked like he had just done something wrong. But he didn’t look worried. He looked amused. Lyle and Henry both asked at the same time “What did you do this time?” Tyrian just grinned. He looked as if he was going to explain himself, but before he could, Carol Genvin started stomping over. She was an old woman, probably in her late sixties. Lyle was going to say hi, but when Tyrian ran away at the sight of her, he realized that she had been affected by whatever problems Tyrian had caused. He just shook his head and headed off to the kitchen. Steam filled the entrance as a dozen servers rushed In and out with soups and beers in their hands. Wow, this place is never crowded like this. I can’t imagine how crowded the party will be. He made his way to the sinks and propped his bowl onto the counter. When he left the kitchens, he almost thought about getting another bowl of the soup, but he decided that if he was going to make it back home, he didn’t want to feel sick to the stomach. He decided to let Rane know he was leaving. When he arrived at the table, he saw that Allanna Forslin was there. Allanna was a girl Lyle’s age. She had black hair and bright green eyes. She was the daughter of the current Chairman, Danny Forslin. Allanna was one of the nicest girls Lyle knew, but she was stubborn at times as well. He didn’t blame her. Some of the men in Ralkin were not very kind towards women, and that caused a lot of them to be stubborn at times. To be honest, both sides annoyed him. Lyle waited until they finished their conversation. The two enjoyed each other’s company. Everyone is Ralkin expected them to get married when they grow up. “Rane, I’m going to head back to the house. Can you make sure dad doesn’t think I ran away or something of the sort?” Rane grinned and nodded. Lyle thought about saying good night to Allanna, but he decided not to. Why would she care? When he got outside, the sudden cold slammed against him. He ignored it and began to walk towards his house. The moon was bright tonight. He always liked the moon. Apparently “Moon” was his first word. He found that hard to believe, but his dad didn’t usually lie. He heard the Inn door open and slam closed behind him. He turned his head to see who it was, but before he could acknowledge the person, Tyrian ran into him. Lyle yelped and Tyrian was laughing hysterically. “What’s your problem Tyrian? You are always so reckless!” Lyle tried to look serious for a few more seconds before he started laughing as well. “What did you do to Mrs. Genvin?” “How did you know I did something to her?” He was using an obviously fake sympathetic tone. “Can you read minds now?” Lyle raised his eyebrows. “I saw her stomping toward you back in the Inn.” He eyed Tyrian’s face. “Are you drunk?” Tyrian laughed. “No, I’m not drunk! I’m just having some fun, Lyle. What’s with you?” Tyrian started sounding serious. Lyle sighed. “Nothing is wrong.” He turned his head to look away from the village into the grasslands. “Tyrian, do you think we will ever get out of here? Do you think we will ever actually get to go to places like in all of the stories?” Lyle, Tyrian and Henry had always wanted to leave, to go see the places in the stories about the world outside Ralkin. No a lot of people believed the stories about the outside world, but Lyle thought they were true. Tyrian turned to look where Lyle was. “Well, maybe one day, friend.” Tyrian turned and began walking to his house. Lyle looked at the moon a little longer, and then started walking home as well. He felt gloomy for a little while, but he cheered himself up when he remembered the party that was soon to come. They said that there would be jugglers, story tellers, delicious food, and best of all, fireworks. Fireworks were rare in Ralkin, but whenever story tellers came from the rest of the world, they would bring them. The flashing lights were just so amazing, he couldn’t think of anything better for the occasion. His house came into sight. It was just about as big as any other house in Ralkin. The house was one of the older ones around town. The wood around the corners had started splintering, and the stone walk that ran up to the door was slightly cracked. The house always served the Siftin’s well. Apparently, the house had been occupied by a Siftin ever since Lyle’s great grandfather. He didn’t know if it was true, but the aging house’s look certainly made it seem so. He opened the door and heard the familiar creaking sound. He stepped in and reached for the shelf next to the entrance. He left the door open so that the moonlight could help him navigate. He reached around until he found the candle he had been looking for. The he reached into his pocket and pulled out a flint and fire stone. He quickly lit the candle and set it back on the shelf. He shut the door with his foot and slowly walked over to his bedroom. As soon as he got close enough, he dropped onto his bed and got under the covers. Before he could even think another thought, he was asleep. Work and Education. Employers Beginner Books Writers ----------------------------------------- made By Ryan Garner(RWG)


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42 Reviews


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Reviews: 42

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Sun Jan 27, 2013 8:46 pm
Raelyn723 wrote a review...



Alright, I can see that a lot of people have pointed out the paragraphing so I won't do that, but make sure to remember that each time a new character talks you have to make a new paragraph with that too. Just in case you, like, didn't know that or something.

I really liked this story. If you had formatted it and everything I think it would be pretty popular and an easy story to read. It caught my attention and made me want to continue reading so good job on that!

I think that your descriptions could use a little work. It's a little weird to have the descriptions of the character right after they are introduced. Maybe you could mention it more in passing like "He brushed aside his dark brown hair and looked into Lyle's red eyes." or something of the sort, I don't know exactly how you'd format it, but I think it would help not to have the characters laid out so plainly to see. Though I can understand why you do that because a lot of people take forever to describe their characters and get torn apart by reviewers for not describing them soon enough.

There are a couple of grammar errors you could probably catch if you read through this again, like using the wrong word at the wrong time or leaving off a letter in a word.

I think you could have left us off on a more cliffy type ending, since going to sleep is not really something that leaves readers on the edge of their seats begging for more, but I would still love to read more of this if you post some.

Overall, work on the formatting and spread out the descriptions so that they aren't just a clump of writing, and you'll have a great story on your hands. Please let me know if you post any more of this story, I'd love to read more!
Keep writing!
-Raelyn




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67 Reviews


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Sat Jan 19, 2013 7:07 pm
Auxiira wrote a review...



Okay hi rwgbookwriter, I'm Auxiira and I'm going to try and review your story!

1: Paragraphing! please, please, please paragraph! It make your story really hard to read!

2: I'm going to go through and find mistakes if that is okay with you^^
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with an arrow already knocked ready to shoot.
: the actual term is nocked (I'm an archer, can't let that go!)

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The Air was cold. Far too cold for late summer. Lyle Siftin knew the Climate in Ralkin like the back of his hand.
: I don't know whether the capitals are deliberate or not but there you go!

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I wonder if dad will win again.
Capital letter on Dad. Also, since it's the character thinking, maybe you could put it in a different typesetting, italics maybe ([i ] [/i ] without the spaces). Try doing it whenever the character thinks...

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It seemed it was a lot more usable these days.
this scentence is awkward. Maybe put "It seemed a lot more appropriate these days." or something like that.

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Everybody is up late tonight. The election is tomorrow, so everyone is planning the after party. They just finished a little while ago. They’re all just hanging out in the Inn now.”
Try and find another name to call the group than "Them". the repetition makes it very awkward.
Maybe try "Everybody is up late tonight. The election is tomorrow, so they're planning the after party. They finished a little while ago and are just hanging out in the Inn now."

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"I left to get some fresh air, but I’m thinking twice now that I’ve felt how cold it is out here." There's a phrase that you can use that sounds better: "I'm having second thoughts no that I've felt how cold it is out here."

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He began talking while walking back to the inn.
"He began talking
whilst walking back to the Inn"

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and if they didn’t farm, hey sold food and wares at the market
they

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It was an odd site. Elvin always gave him lessons ever since, and Rane felt superior to Lyle in every way now.
I think that you mean "It was an odd sight. Elvin had given him lessons ever since."

-When he gets to the house: again with the repetitions. Saying "He" all the time makes the paragraph (which it should be) awkward).

3: Apart from all of that, it's a very good story and I'd love to read the rest!






i can read why cant's you and the thing want let me ok



Auxiira says...


It's not that. It's that if you don't format it properly, then people won't want to read it as much as if it's formatted properly. I can see that you've put in a few paragraphs but it still isn't broken up enough...



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Sat Jan 19, 2013 3:54 pm
abelgaiya wrote a review...



Completely discouraging!

Please paragraph your work! You're keeping people from reading it.

Even I haven't read it yet.




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Sat Jan 19, 2013 5:16 am
spinelli says...



Yes, please format, thank you, yes. OK.





Follow your inner moonlight; don't hide the madness
— Allen Ginsburg