I'm here again~
only about a third of the girls and very few boys came by other means.
What other means? By car? And more girls did this because they're too delicate to be on a train? If I'm not reading that right, please clarify in the text. c:
not wanting it’s last few
Oh no! I forgave it the first time it happened here, but be careful. It's = it is, while its = it possessive.
and yet she remembered it so clearly that it might have been yesterday.
This is very odd, to suddenly drop into the mother's point of view. I think it would work better, since we're most often with Effy, if the mom actually said something along these lines and revealed it to Effy. I would like something specific, maybe. Like her mom suddenly recalls the name of an old school friend she met here. That might work well.
But they would feel like an eternity.
How would the kids know this if they'd never done it before? I think they'd just be scared of the first night alone, not really comprehending that the months would be long.
And after this you get back into the mom, which I really don't think works. The narrator's voice worked well in the beginning because you could get Effy's voice while still knowing a LITTLE more than she might know on her own. But getting into someone else's voice makes it too muddled for the reader. It'd work if Effy could hear or realize these things about her mom instead of getting into the point of view of a character who will not, I assume, be very important in just a few more lines.
Effy quickly tucked it inside her tight blouse cuff, where it remained for years to come.
I absolutely love the detail of the playing card. It feels so real. This peek into the future messes with the point in time from which the story's being told, though. We get no other peeks into the far future, so why do we suddenly get one now? Keep it consistent.
I think that's your biggest weakness in this work so far: consistency of the narrator's voice. I know you're going for a voice that can know more than just Effy knows, and that's a good instinct because little girls' POVs can be terribly limiting, but you have to keep the right balance.
PM me, as always, if you have questions. I'm heading to part three!
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