z

Young Writers Society



Effy's War- 2

by missbethy123


(edit)

In a little over an hour, the steam engine came to a loud halt in Cherryworth Station. While it had departed originally with hardly any passengers, its many stops had now accumulated quite a number. Most of the pupils of the two schools were crammed inside the train- only about a third came by car or other means.

On the platform, a great hullaballoo erupted, so suddenly that it was almost as if a switch had been flicked.

“This is it then,” said Mamma. Effy’s ears clung onto her soft voice, not wanting its last few warming notes to float off into the crowd. “This is as far as I can go.”

She bent down to kiss her children’s cheeks, and squeeze their tiny shoulders in a hug so laden with love that it could topple the world. It had been so many years since she had been in their shoes- standing small on this very platform, the rest of forever looming in front of her.

“Goodbye Mamma,” Effy whispered, wrapping her arms around her mother’s neck. She gave a little sniff, and blinked speedily to prevent the tears from flowing. Her nanny’s voice rang in her ears, and she was determined to do as she was told, for once, by not crying.

“It isn’t goodbye Effy,” Mamma gave a watery laugh. “Not at all. You’re coming home in just a few months, and shall see me, and your father, and everyone then. Yes?”

Effy nodded, her dark curls bouncing. When Mamma pulled away, neither she or Tommy could bear to look to anywhere but her face. They were studying every inch of it, and committing it to memory. Yes, just a few months.

Mamma soon disappeared into the blur of people, dabbing her eyes with a little white hanky. She didn’t dare look back, or who knew what sort of scene she would make. Effy could remember, with fading vividness, the day that Robert was sent away to school, and Margo after him. How Mamma hated sending her children away, but she had told them many times that it was necessary, and no amount of tears or yearning would change that.

“Well,” Tommy said, when Mamma had vanished completely. “Now it’s our turn.”

“I don’t want to leave you Tommy,” murmured Effy, quiet as a mouse. Tommy hugged her quickly, and didn’t reply.

“Until Christmas then,” he said, unable to look his twin in the eyes.

“Oh, Tommy-“

“No,” said Tommy. “Shush now. Don’t get worked up, you’ll only embarrass yourself. This has to be done, alright?”

Already the few teachers that had been sent from the schools were calling for their pupils in a hurried way.

“Take this,” he said, and handed her a piece of card, folded. Effy knew what it was before her hand closed around it. When they were very young- five or six- the two of them had found an old playing card under the piano. Neither could agree on who would have it- and there would be no point giving it to their parents, it was only a playing card after all- so Tommy carefully ripped it in two, and they each kept a piece. It became a sort of charm. A sign that they were two of a whole. But Effy had left hers on her bedside cabinet the previous evening, assuming that such silly things would not be allowed. “As long as you have your half, and I have mine,” Tommy smiled. “We won’t be apart, not really. You must keep it hidden though.”

Effy quickly tucked it inside her tight blouse cuff.

“Thank you,” she said.

Tommy shrugged.

“We’d better be going,” he said. Effy agreed. And each twin gave one last glance at the other, before truly embarking on the rest of their lives.


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Tue Feb 05, 2013 4:11 pm
Hannah wrote a review...



I'm here again~

only about a third of the girls and very few boys came by other means.


What other means? By car? And more girls did this because they're too delicate to be on a train? If I'm not reading that right, please clarify in the text. c:

not wanting it’s last few


Oh no! I forgave it the first time it happened here, but be careful. It's = it is, while its = it possessive.

and yet she remembered it so clearly that it might have been yesterday.


This is very odd, to suddenly drop into the mother's point of view. I think it would work better, since we're most often with Effy, if the mom actually said something along these lines and revealed it to Effy. I would like something specific, maybe. Like her mom suddenly recalls the name of an old school friend she met here. That might work well.

But they would feel like an eternity.


How would the kids know this if they'd never done it before? I think they'd just be scared of the first night alone, not really comprehending that the months would be long.

And after this you get back into the mom, which I really don't think works. The narrator's voice worked well in the beginning because you could get Effy's voice while still knowing a LITTLE more than she might know on her own. But getting into someone else's voice makes it too muddled for the reader. It'd work if Effy could hear or realize these things about her mom instead of getting into the point of view of a character who will not, I assume, be very important in just a few more lines.

Effy quickly tucked it inside her tight blouse cuff, where it remained for years to come.


I absolutely love the detail of the playing card. It feels so real. This peek into the future messes with the point in time from which the story's being told, though. We get no other peeks into the far future, so why do we suddenly get one now? Keep it consistent.

I think that's your biggest weakness in this work so far: consistency of the narrator's voice. I know you're going for a voice that can know more than just Effy knows, and that's a good instinct because little girls' POVs can be terribly limiting, but you have to keep the right balance.

PM me, as always, if you have questions. I'm heading to part three!




missbethy123 says...


Thank you for yet another great review- they really do help a lot.

The "it's" possessive thing is by far my worst writing habit. I can only promise that I'll try my best not to repeat it in future, but I may slip up again. :/

As for the paragraph in the mother's POV- which I must admit sounded horribly out of place when I wrote it- I've been able to rewrite, thanks for your advice on that front.



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Sun Feb 03, 2013 1:52 pm
Alpha wrote a review...



Greetings, Miss Bethy!
I'm following this story! Sounds like a lovely, interesting novel. A couple of parts made me smile, Effy and Tommy's close relationship is sweet, I lovedlovedlovedlovedLOVED the way every character -even the nanny from the first chapter- had an individual and realistic personality. Kudos to you! Anticipating the next chapters.
Just a couple of minor nitpicks here:

it’s many stops had now accumulated quite a number.

It's ----> Its

When Mamma pulled away, neither she or Tommy could bare to look to anywhere but her face.

bare ---> bear

Cheers,
Alpha




missbethy123 says...


Hi. I'm so glad to hear you like the story.
Thanks for pointing those mistakes out, and I hope you enjoy future chapters. :D



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Sat Feb 02, 2013 7:06 am
PenguinAttack wrote a review...



Hi!

Just so you know, Miss Bethy, I’m writing these comments as I read your text, because I think I find my reactions interesting.

So let’s not delay!

Her nanny’s voice rang in her ears, and she was determined to, for once, do as she was told in not crying.
This is awkwardly worded, I’d go with “she was determined to do as she was told, for once, by not crying” because otherwise the line kind of loses itself in the middle bit.

Oh man. You have that thing down that I love so much, made so clear here “Effy nodded, her dark curls bouncing.” BAM! We have description of Effy, and you didn’t make a big deal of it and it looks like it’s nothing but we already now have an image of her as a little girl with bouncy dark curls and a little sniffly nose. Not everyone can do that, I can tell I’m going to enjoy the rest of this.

Effy quickly tucked it inside her tight blouse cuff, where it remained for years to come.

Nooo, no. The ‘for years to come’ isn’t any good at all, mostly because when she comes home for the holidays she won’t wear any of her cuff nonsense. I know you mean she kept it in the same place but it won’t work for me. Also because I want you to put it in a locket because I am sooo into sentimentality like that! You don’t have to do that, in my head she does that when she turns like, 16. But on top of all that, we can’t know that far ahead! That sounds silly, maybe people do plan stories that far ahead, but this also means she can’t even lose it now, or ruin it or give it back in anger, so you’ve cut some potential avenues. I’m going to assume you’re well planned into the future and so you can know it won’t get stolen or lost and she won’t ever get so irrationally angry at Tommy that she throws it back at him…inside a letter >.>.

I am still so loving this though, the interactions are solid, we don’t see anyone really cry which feels in character and their mum is pretty sweet. I’m looking forward, again, to seeing what happens, but I do hope Tommy is okay without Effy! His school is probably going to be legit horrible. Poor lad.

Thanks again for writing this! See you next part!

~Pen.




missbethy123 says...


Thanks for the pointers- the "years to come" bit is gone. And thanks for the sentence rewording. All of your comments have helped a lot. :D



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Thu Jan 17, 2013 2:02 am
Harrug wrote a review...



I forgot to add in my previous review that all of your explanations and vocabulary are great. I am already excited to see how Effy does by her self, out in what appears to be a very grim school (you set the mood for this quite well, and I applaud you for that).

As soon as you release the third part, I will read and review it write away. The surprising thing is, I've never been a big fan of realistic fiction, but this story has really drawn me in. Anyways, I'm excited to see where you are going with this, and how the title will relate to the story. Goodbye for now!




missbethy123 says...


Glad to hear you're enjoying it. Also glad to hear that I've converted someone to realistic fiction :D
Thanks for reading!



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Thu Jan 17, 2013 1:41 am
Holysocks says...



Keep up the awsome writing! (I likey alot)




missbethy123 says...


thank you- I'm about half way through Chapter 3 at the moment (which will be a lot longer than this one) so an update should be coming soon :D




Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.
— -Apple Inc.