Young Writers Society

Hiya, you requested a review here. As Patch and Azrael have covered your story almost blow by blow, I'm going to be more general. Let's get started.

Style: Your writing is above average for a thirteen year old. This is your ONLY saving grace. You seem to know how to use paragraphs and sentences to good effect, which is something that many people don't learn until much later in their writing career. This is the only positive feedback I have, so I wouldn't hold my breath to wait for more.

Consistency: You're inconsistent. There are so many things in your story that don't align correctly. Rylie is supposed to be anxious about being alone, but she has friends, family at her college etc. First her sister is in high school, and then suddenly her sister is older than her AND her teacher. There's a new junior... but Rylie's in "3rd year" - so WHY is he in her classes?

Realism: Your story is incredibly unrealistic. If someone joined my university right now, I would not know. I would not say to my friends, "zzommgg, there's a new 1st year!" Why? Because hundreds, I mean HUNDREDS of people join my university every semester; not even every year, every half year. And no one knows each other. My long lost forgotten twin sister could literally attend my university and I would never run into her. So my point is, even if Niki Minaj joined my university, I wouldn't find out about it through my friends on the first day; I would find out much later. In fact, you could ditch this whole beginning and start with her sitting in her first class - it would make the story 50x better without the useless introduction of her friends. Lastly, the "cute" little acting scene. Completely and utterly unrealistic. Have you ever been in a classroom where you're talking to your friend and suddenly everyone is quiet? It's because the teacher is either standing right behind you, breathing down your neck, or the principal is at the door, waiting for silence. Students KNOW when they're being watched. You don't "lose yourself in the moment".

Rylie: Her characterization is awful. She is scared of being lonely, which is her only flaw. Other than that, she is "short", extremely smart, a great actor, a good writer, an artist, friendly with all the teachers who know her, funny, "sexy" and good at flirting. It's so... gross. I can't stand her. I can't stand the idea of someone who can force people to do things for her, teachers love her, her SISTER is a teacher and they have a sibling report in class. Yuck yuck yuck.

Rye: wtf is with your name choices? Rylie and Rye? Really? You think that's funny or smart? It's just stupid, to be honest. Did you see JK Rowling writing about Ron and Ronlie? Or Harry and Harriet? Unless you intended this to be major cheesy like Jesse and James from Team Rocket? But on to the character. He's as bad as Rylie. What's that, he's an established actor? He's manly? He's good looking? He's matured, like a ripened banana? How divine. Even Stephenie Meyer made sure Edward had some flaws; he is a vampire and drinks human blood. What's Rye's flaws? He... chases after a girl who's pretending not to like him. Eugh.

The other friends, what were they called? At the beginning? Yeah those guys: Bad. Useless. Do you need them? Do you know how much better your story would be already if Rylie had no friends?

Description: A sign of a bad writer, or one who cheats, is a huge paragraph detailing what someone looks like. There's never a need to describe someone's entire physical appearance in one paragraph as soon as they are introduced. It's far more professional to leak tidbits to the reader, so they can build their own ideas of how the character looks. What's the most jarring thing about book to television adaptation? When the character you imagined looks nothing like the one on screen. JK Rowling never said that Hermione was slim or average height. She didn't say "her freckles were sooooo cute!" or that she had "soft and supple lips". Every now and then, she would say, "Hermione's hair was bushy as always" or "Harry's eyes were green like his mother's" or "All the Weasley's could be spotted due to their mops of ginger hair". Never once did she feel the need to stop the entire story and focus on needless character description. Neither should you. Instead of waxing lyrical about how gorgeous the characters look (which was REALLY creepy when Rylie was describing her sister as HOT) put your energy into describing the setting.

Flow: Your story is almost completely boring due to the pace of events. She meets her friends. She goes to class and meets the love of her life. She goes to class. She goes to class with the love of her life and her drop dead gorgeous sister who's 28, a teacher, but also in her first year of high school. You need to make this story fly to keep us interested. I personally would not read another chapter of Rylie going to different classes, doing better than everyone else around her, and without even trying, attract the rich and famous matured banana Rye.

POV: rofl. I've been waiting to write about this. Swapping point of view in first person. This is the easiest, and I mean easiest, way to doom your story to never being published. What does it say about the author? You can't write in 3rd person. You can't separate yourself from your characters. YOU ARE YOUR CHARACTERS. You draw, don't you. You write, don't you. You enjoy drama at school, huh? You have a crush on a TV star, right? You are short. You may or may not have friends, which is why you're lonely. You are friendly with the teachers because they are your friends. Stop. Write what you know, not what you are. Choose the main character and stick to that POV. You'll find your story runs much more smoothly and makes far more sense. How are you going to keep the suspense up if the reader knows what each side of this love interest is thinking at all times? It'd be like reading Harry Potter and knowing every single little thing Voldemort had planned to do; no one would be surprised about the Quirrel reveal.

And that's all I can think of, at the moment. I referenced Harry Potter so much because I assumed you have read the books. If not, I recommend reading them.

Hope this review helped,
jhoi

Oh...

This is what you've asked me to review?

Well, I'm telling you outright, I'm not taking pity on this monstrosity you call a story. You've linked me to a teen-fic. I have told you I abhor them. I have given you fair warning. Let the torture commence.

---

*First day of college.*

You're already tripping up and down some stairs which lead to a very steep cliff. Be careful. College doesn't work like school. Your first day won't be your first day. There's going to be orientation week, there's going to be introduction units, there's going to be days before your first day of college. Perhaps, put a little disclaimer in? As in - "First day of REAL college."

*No big deal, I could handle this. Of course I could, and I would do so with the utmost dignity. Or, at least that's what I told myself as I entered the building.*

Right now, you're relying on the readers to imagine everything. That's far too much. One of the fun things about being a writer is forcing people to imagine what you want. Of course, they won't do it precisely, but they'll follow the general gist of it. "Building"? Wow. Golly, that's a terrible way to describe anything. "The block building", "the brick building", "the weary building" - what sort of building is it? I could be thinking of a castle and according to your description I wouldn't be wrong.

*Except, it was always a big deal. I didn't mind the whole "being on my own" thing, so much as I minded being lonely. Which was a completely irrational fear. There wasn't even a reason for it. No mom walked out on me and made me feel worthless, no best friend who moved away leaving me by myself and friendless, and definitely no random accident where all my family died and I was tossed around from foster home to foster home.*

Holy flying apes, Batman! This is what we call repetition or tautology. Did you see what I did there? Never you mind. Anyway. You really don't need to tell everyone what DIDN'T happen to your character. Unless you're trying to show your first-person protagonist as the type of person who likes to imagine her life a different way. Otherwise, either OVER-DO this or DON'T DO this. It's very simple. You merely try to do this. Over-doing it would only be mentioning one, but continuing it to a terrifying degree. Like... changing "No mom walked out on me and made me feel worthless" to "It's not like I had an abusive woman I would never call my mother walk out on me, making me feel worthless and useless and abandoned and it's not like I had scars that would never truly heal. If you follow this up with "Nah, I actually had a pretty good upbringing," you'll make your readers laugh. Hopefully.

*I actually had a pretty good up bringing. My mom and dad had a wonderful marriage in which they were still in, and Ihad a great sister who just started high school.*

Wooooo. Yippee-kiyay. I don't care about the character's sister. Who does? Is she important yet? Nope. Will she ever be? Maybe, but she isn't now, so I don't care.

*I walked up to the doors, or tried to do so. Seeing as it was the first day of school though, Iwas struggling to not get lifted up off my feet every time Ichanged angles.*

I don't know what this means. Perhaps you were trying to say the inclines were too tough, but I really don't comprehend what you've written here. Was it windy? Was she being blown away? I don't know what this means. These two sentences have frustrated me beyond anything you've written thus far. Please rethink them.

*I was already minuscule, but to top it all off, I was most likely going to be one of the youngest ones. I'd finished my freshman and sophomore years of college in my first year, so I was younger than everyone else ever since.*

My brain just exploded. This makes little to no sense to me. Why. Why are you doing this. Can't you just write "I did two years worth of work in my first year of college, so now I was younger than everyone else"?

*I was just as smart, if not smarter at times, that didn't make life any easier. Now here I was, at the age of only 19 starting my third year of college, at least credit-wise.*

What. First of all, that first sentence is a run-on sentence. You've clipped bits together that don't fit. Slide a contraction in there somewhere, probably a "but". This doesn't even ring true! The character has only been at college for a single year and she finished her first two years in her first year, thus this is her second year at college. Unless I've understood everything wrong because I can't understand what you've written.

*I wasn't actually sure why there were so many people about. Sure, it was the first day, but none-the-less I' d never seen it this bad. I saw my friend, Tab, who was easy to find in any crowd seeing as she stood over five foot five. Tab was next to Zach, who happened to be my other best friend,who was not as easy to spot since he was only my height. He wasn't young though, he just happened to be really short. I loved both of them, however, they hated each other. They tolerated each other for my sake, but alone-beware...the ripping of heads will commence.*

In a college, there are ALWAYS people about. Even on the weekends! Plus, these two beginning sentences have no bearing upon anything else that follows after. Delete them. Start with "I saw my friend..." It makes more sense. Onto Tab; the height you've specified is average. Not tall. You may want to rethink that. However, I like the relationship between the two best friends. It smacks of future confrontation and chemistry. I like this very much.

*"Didn't you hear?“ Tab asked. “There's a new junior.“*

I don't understand. Is this high-school or college?

*My jaw dropped so low, I thought I felt the gravel of the pavement against my chin.*

YOUR FIRST CREATIVE DESCRIPTION AND IT IS BRILLIANT. OH MY. I'M SO PROUD.

*“No fighting,“ Ireminded, “You aren't joking? Rye Bennett-the Rye Bennett- is going to our school.“ She just nodded her head and kept smiling at my- no doubt- dumbstruck expression.*

Er. Too many hyphens, my dear. Try using just simple sentences. And if you really need to intersect between parts of sentences, consider using brackets (it's so much easier) or even, the ever useful, pair of commas.

*Rye Bennett had been the star of a famous TV. show that I had loved when I was younger.*

Why is there a period next to TV?

*“Calm down, Rylie. It'll be okay.“ Zach continued his calming chant.*

It doesn't feel like Rylie has anything to calm down about. All she appears to be doing is thinking.

*“Its better than what you're doing, nothing,“ Zach countered.*

Delete that comma and shove in a full-stop.

*Though I was still in a state of mental panic, I said, “Stop bickering.“ Zach and Tab both looked at me, and nodded their head.*

You're telling me she's in a state of mental panic. Not describing it to me. Try painting me the picture. My idea of mental panic? - "I felt thoughts flying back and forth, spinning into nothingness of the drain that could not possibly be happening, but was and for a moment I wasn't even sure I was on planet Earth."

*"Let's just get to class,“ Zach suggested. Everyone agreed and we elbowed our way through the front door. We each said our goodbyes and let for homeroom. I had Mrs. Doose this year, which was okay, but I'd really wanted Mr. Hartman. Oh well, not like it was my choice anyway. I got to Mrs. Doose's classroom and sat in between the back and the middle.*

Homeroom? I AM SO CONFUSED. College is not highschool? Look, you've made me wonder if I've got the entire concept wrong.

*While I had an irrational fear of being alone, I was kind of shy. A combination that led to many mental breakdowns in the eighth grade. Not the easy-to-solve kind either, the therapy-for-a-year kind. Oddly enough, eighth grade was also the year I developed a crush on Rye Bennett.*

We call those kind of crushes, celebrity-obsessions. A crush is more of a heart-felt longing for someone you're close to.

*I'd just sat down and pulled out my kindle when someone slid into the seat next to me. I wanted to look up and see who it was, but along with my shyness, I was really bad at the whole eye contact thing, so I vetoed the idea.*

I like this. These are two good sentences. Delightful. Refreshing. Thank you.

*“Hi, I'm Rye Bennett,“ came a somewhat hesitant voice from beside me. I looked up and couldn't stop myself from giving him a once over. He looked matured, but only slightly because he never looked really young to begin with. Even as a fifteen year old, he could beat some other teen stars in a manly-ness contest.*

I'm going to stop you there for a second. "He looked matured"? Dear one, you mean "He looked mature". And then to the next phrasing which feels a bit off - "Even as a fifteen year old". Change this to, "Even when he was a fifteen year old, he could beat some other teen stars in a manliness contest."

*He'd cut his dark brown hair, but it still had enough length to show a bit of curl. His eyes were still a shade of hazel with some yellow around the iris, and they still had the ability to forget who you were that even transferred through photography.*

I'm liking the description. Why, oh, why couldn't this be sprinkled constantly through-out your writing? Anyway, the last photography part doesn't really read well. "And they still had the ability to MAKE you forget who you were that even echoed through into photos of him." - Something along those lines would be better.

*He had a nice jaw, a smooth nose, and his undeniably pink lips.*

Smooth nose, ok, I don't know how that's attractive, but alright.

*I'd always told my sister, Tiara, that his lips weren't naturally that color, that it was makeup or photo shop, apparently I was wrong.*

Photoshop is one word, dear. And cut that "apparently I was wrong" off into a new sentence. It'll have much more effect. Consider putting it in it's own paragraph while you're at it. It'll make the shock she's feeling hit home a little bit more.

*Rye Bennett sat before me, and unless he wore make up to school, his lips were truly an unnatural pink.*

Unnatural? How so? Too bright? Too fluorescent? I wish to know how lips can be an unnatural pink!

*Another unexplained habit of mine was the thought that I could never show weakness, so instead of just muttering some unintelligible words that would get me off the hook, I put on one of my best smiles, tucked my curly hair behind my ear, and told him, “I knew that, but none-the-less I'm Rylie Highe.“*

Ok. No. You really can't be shy and yet never show weakness. You wouldn't have mental break-downs if you thought you couldn't show weakness. In fact, you wouldn't tell people you were having mental breakdowns if you could never show weakness. Rethink your character's flaws as this does not fit the puzzle of her personality. Also, nonetheless is a single word.

*Rye smiled at me and I swear I felt a swoon coming on. He opened his mouth to say something, but then Mrs. Doose called the class to attention, sparing me from more conversation that would thus lead me to major humiliation.*

Got nothing to say here beyond this was a nice two sentences.

*Oh, thank God.*

My thoughts exactly, but I'm only half way there. Woe is me.

*"Dang."*

Already in college and this guy doesn't swear? Dear, either you need to rethink your characters' ages or get into the lingo of adults.

*Of course, the first girl I find today that isn't throwing themselves at me, tripping themselves over me, or throwing everything from papers to shoes to hands at me to sign, and of course...the teacher comes.*

This sentence is so convoluted. I know what you're saying, but try finding a different way to get it across.

*I want to keep talking to Rylie-screw the teacher- so I leaned over to her desk and whispered, “How old are you?“ Probably not the best question, but its the first one I became up with.*

Came up with. Also... really? He's in college and that's his first question? Well, ok, whatever.

*“Isn't that one of the questions you aren't supposed to ask a woman. I'm guessing next you'll be asking me my weight? Ugh, such a loser,“ she replied viciously. I was about to open my mouth to defend myself, when she smiled at me.*

For a shy girl, she certainly knows how to flirt. Just saying.

*“JK. You know, after spending all this time acting, you should be able to spot a bluff,“ she smiled and it transformed her whole face. She light dimples that were more like a slight crease in her face, and soft looking pinks lips that begged to be attended to, preferably by my lips. She had dark brown eyes; so dark you could hardly make out her iris and matched her basically black hair. She was short, but she still had a great body. With her hair all curled up and her shirt with the angel emoticon, she was innocent temptation personified.*

Right. I have nothing to say here beyond the fact with this paragraph, you have lost every single iota of conflict that could've existed in this story. He's attracted to her, she's attracted to him. That's that. I've stopped caring.

*“Its fine,“ she assured me, “I finished both my freshman and sophomore year last year. So yeah, I'm younger than the rest. Oh well.“*

Seriously. Either use this particular line to explain it or use the previous explanation, don't tell us twice. It makes the reader feel like you think we're stupid or we can't remember things.

*“What were you saying Mr. Bennett?“ Mrs. Doose asked. Before I could even open my mouth, Rylie replied for me.*

*“I was just telling Rye abouthow I love proportions. See, Rye was asking me if I knew any goods tutors-he said he already had a feeling he was gonna need some help in this class- so I said I could volunteer because I love math, especially proportions.“ Her face was bright and her smile was enthusiastic, as if she really did love math. Damn, the girl was even a good actress, quick with improve too.*

Wow. I'm not really sure you're keeping you characters consistent, but oh well. And darling, you mean improv.

*“Give it a couple of days,she’ll turn you around. She could convince a hairless cat to shave itself.“ Mrs. Doose warned me. My eyebrow crinkled at the comparison, and when I looked over at Rylie, she had a sort of sheepish smile.*

What. Didn't Rylie DISLIKE Mrs. Doose? Ok, whatever.

*There are many disadvantages of my fans but one of the advantages was they could always help you when you needed it.*

You connected this to your previous paragraph and it didn't make a lick of sense. Enter down and put in in the next one and it'll flow better.

*“Oh yeah, like you're better with your ‘my gravy, girl‘ attitude. It does also help that I take advanced creative writing, read a lot of books, and do a lot of theater work. And yes, that line was supposed to make you laugh,“ I explained to Tab.*

How was it supposed to make her laugh. I found nothing even the tad bit humorous about it.

*I was walking and not really paying attention, until my attention was pulled to the giant wall I ran into. Except, it wasn't really a wall, nope just the amazingly hard and muscular front side of Rye Bennett.*

Attention, attention, attention. Please change. Please.

*I stuttered as I bent down to pick up some stuff that fell from my bag as we bumped.*

Don't mention this after the fact. Mention it during it.

*She was medium height with enough curves that she was attractive but not so curvy to where she was self-conscious.*

How can being curvy make you self-conscious?

*She had a heart shaped face with olive skin and dark pink lips. Her light browns eyes looked gold in the sun and her straight, waist length hair was dark brown with dark red highlights. All that along with her great fashion sense, made for, as I said a beautiful package. Oh, along with that package, she had me, her sister.*

You said Rylie's sister was in highschool. Plus this is too much description. I feel like you've shoved a foot of words into my mouth and I'm choking on it.

*I wrote ‘Some Script‘ for middle schoolers, but I wanted a version I could be in too, so I revised it to fit an older cast. When I had shown it to Tiare, a.k.a. Ms. Highs, I hadn't known she would use it for my theater class.*

I was desperately hoping that this wouldn't turn out to be like this, but it is turning out like this and now I want to stab myself in both eyes, and write out my will in the blood that is the result. This has become a self-insert mary-sue.

*“Can I pleease borrow ten bucks, pretty please?“ I changed my voice so it was a bit higher and sounded like it was breaking. I tilted my head down, stuck out my bottom lip just a little bit, and raised my eyebrows and batted my lashes. I shrugged my shoulders up and I waited. It worked.*

I have nothing to say here. Nothing. This is pure and utter godmode and I've stopped even caring.

Overall:

1) Run this through a spell-check. It'll help you a lot with your grammar, syntax and punctuation.

2) I felt no personality from any of your characters. Bland, flat and uninteresting. Rylie and Rye are mary-sues/marty-sues. Your characters' flaws disappear as soon as they're mentioned.

3) There is no future conflict at all possible, or none I can perceive, which makes me not want to ever read anything beyond this. This plot will run on "Do I like him or don't I?" until everyone has run out of breath and heart beats. If someone dies in this story, I will be happy.

4) You need to put more description in other places and less in different places. You throw words at people in huge bunches where they don't need to be and then you whisper words where the audience is straining to hear them. Level it out or plan it better.

5) I really, really, REALLY dislike teen-fics and I'm sorry if I was harsh. That is all.

Have A Nice Day,
Azrael.

*cracks knuckles*
Alrighty.

-no best friend who moved away leaving me by myself and friendless-
This line feels a little awkward to the mind when read. I'd suggest either dropping the 'and friendless' or cutting out 'me by myself and', so the sentence doesn't run on so long. Additionally, upbringing (in the same paragraph) can be one word.

The second paragraphs lead me to be confused. Your character is worried about being alone but they have already completed two years worth of college credit? Likewise, why is your character struggling not to get 'lifted up off my feet' every time she changes angles? Is it because people are bumping into her? It just confused me.

In the third paragraph I feel like you could have given a brief description of the two friends. How they stood or roughly looked. Is Zach energetic? How does he feel about being short? What maes Tab stand out against other five foot five people, as 5'5" isn't that uncommon really. I just feel like you need some better way to introduce them personally, other than describing them as not liking each other. This could be done either in this paragraph or in the conversation that follows, which you have tried to do.

I get the impression from their conversation that Zach is a bit of a troublemaker/jokester and Tab likes to keep him in line. And then you've gone into a long explanation of how Rye Bennet looks, and he's the first character I can really visualise.

Okay, in my experience, most lecturers would just tell you to be quiet, or ask you to save it for later. Wait, if she's in her third year and he's new, why are they in the same class? At this point we have the following traits attributed to Rylie
-Pretty
-Excelent at convincing people
-A good actress
-Doesn't show weakness
-Makes jokes
-Socialises with a boy she has a crush on very well
-Anxiety about being alone

Okay, moving on a bit we get to Rylie sharing her story with Tab. At which point Rylie addresses the audience as 'Dude'. I wouldn't say you should use that, unless its meant to be a letter to someone? Even narrations don't usually address the audience. They might say 'you might be thinking...' or 'I should probably tell you', but they things like 'dude' seem innapropriate. Feel free to keep it if you want, though.

One thing I have to ask is why does she bring up reading, advanced creative writin and doing theatre work just to explain her alliteration?

Anyway, onto the theater. Is it meant to be an actual theater or just class for theater? In the case of the former, theaters usually don't have desks. In the case of the latter, what, Rye needs a degree? Credentials from an acting career not good enough?

Okay, so... Where to begin. I'll try to be light in my comments.

Your story is an atypical college romance between the main character Rylie and her crush who all the girls want, Rye. The reason she gets him is for being different and standing out. Along the course of the plot (this is a prediction for what follows after the ending) they fall for each other, go on a date, have one fight, one of them realises they were wrong and they decide to stay with each other.

Nothing wrong with that, its a tried and tested formula.

Unfortunately... You focus too heavily on Rylie. I don't mean 'your story shouldn't be about Rylie' or 'You write too much about Rylie'. What I mean is your story heavily emphasizes Rylie and things related to Rylie and ignores many of things around her. Look at the characters introduced, and those that get descriptions.

Zach/Tab - Rylie's only friends. Only description they get is height. Only characterization they get is a brief conversation and being told they don't like each other.
Mrs. Doose - Rylie's, wait homeroom teacher? No description given. Characterization is give she will do anything for Rylie for helping her find a husband.
Ms. Highs - Rylie's sister. Gets a full description of how she looks. Is characterized several times over the scene by the way she treats Rylie, Rye and her behaviour in the class.

The first three characters are barely given a glance, while Ms. Highs is given a full paragraph and a half describing how she looks and how she gets asked out. You could even make the argument its because she's around for longer than the first three, which brings up a puzzling situation...

Why does Rylie fear being alone? She has two friends and her sister all at this school before the story begins. It's not her first year, so she's already lived this out for two years. There just doesn't seem t be a single explanation or reason for her to feel this way. Maybe if instead she didn't have friends and family at the college he goes to I would think 'yeah, I can see a fear of being alone. When you are alone you feel alone'. But when there are people who are willing to suffer others they don't like just to be your friend, you have a pretty solid support net.

I'm going to level with you, Rylie and Rye don't seem to have much depth to them. Rylie is a girl who is an amazing actor, intelligent enough to be ahead of those her age, funny, gets along just fine with the boy she likes and doesn't have any draw backs other than being short and being afraid of being alone, neither of which have played a part in the story other than an opening description.

Rye on the flip side is a great, masculine, attractive and nice guy who's only flaw was seen right at the end, where he says he was Rylie's partner without waiting for an answer. It was rude and could have seriously backfired, which is great for a character. Flaws, real tangible flaws that the reader experiences, are what makes characters realistic.

Okay, onto some more logical flaws. Maybe I'm just confused because I'm from Australia and our education system works a little different, but a lot of the classes seem to be playing out like school classes, where college is a lot more impersonal. Likewise, this is probably not understanding, but if Rye is new why is he in the classes that Rylie's in?

I think you probably need a moment or two where Rylie's shortness or her paranoia of being alone are highlighted as something bad. Maybe Rye's desire to get away from fans all the time leads him to lash out or something.

Overall your writing is fine, just sometimes you seem to feel the need to explain yourself when you don't need to. Your characters are going to need some depth, otherwise you are unfortunately going to have just a shallow love story about two people who like each other and nothing else.

Hey there, I'm returning the favor! Actually right now I'm only doing the first half, but don't worry, I will do the rest later! (Although I don't know if I should count the second half as a review since it should really be all in one, but I don't have the time right now.)

So there were a few nitpicks for me to do, but it looks to me like you know how a novel should be written, and how to properly place dialogue. Which is super impressive, because I was awful at writing creatively at your age.

Anyways. In Rylie's first part, you really missed a lot of spaces between the word “I” and other words. If you read through it again, I'm sure you will find them. Just remember to check, double-check, and re-check your work.
I really liked that you varied greatly in your sentence lengths in the first paragraph, but you need to remember to change the sentence structure more as well. This keeps paragraphs interesting and easy to read. Here's an example of what I mean.
****I walked up to the doors, or tried to do so. Seeing as it was the first day of school though, Iwas struggling to not get lifted up off my feet every time Ichanged angles. I was already minuscule, but to top it all off, I was most likely going to be one of the youngest ones. I'd finished my freshman and sophomore years of college in my first year, so I was younger than everyone else ever since. I was just as smart, if not smarter at times, that didn't make life any easier. Now here I was, at the age of only 19 starting my third year of college, at least credit-wise.****

This paragraph could use a lot less commas. Try to change the order of the words here and there, and separate some sentences to make them shorter. Now, be careful there. One misplaced period could make a whole paragraph seem confusing.

****No mom walked out on me and made me feel worthless, no best friend who moved away leaving me by myself and friendless, and definitely no random accident where all my family died and I was tossed around from foster home to foster home.****

Again, this could be separated to make this part even more interesting.
It confused me at first, so I had to re-read it. Instead of “No mom walked out on me and made me feel worthless COMMA” try “No mom walking out on me, making me feel worthless PERIOD”.
For the second part I would use “No best friend leaving me by myself, totally friendless.”
And since the word “no” has been used a lot, I would do “Of course, nothing like a random accident where all my family died, ending with me being tossed from foster home to foster home, either.”

But these are all just suggestions. You can use your own creative writing skills, which you have, to make your own interesting tidbit here.

****So why was being forgotten my biggest fear?****

I feel like this doesn't need to be here. You have already done a great job at explaining that there is a totally different reason for her fear of being alone. Also, I felt like I had read it wrong after I read this part, because I was expecting an answer to the question. (Which I know you planned on doing so later on.)

****Now here I was, at the age of only 19 starting my third year of college, at least credit-wise.****

I know it goes by preference, but I would spell out nineteen here.

****I wasn't actually sure why there were so many people about.****

“about” confuses me here. Try “around”, “on campus”, or “out and about right then”

****Tab nodded her head and her smile turned mischievous. ****
It sounds like her smile is about to do something wrong. I get what you are trying to say, but try putting it in a different way. Like: “Tab nodded her head and smiled, a mischievous glint appearing in her eyes” or something.

****She just nodded her head and kept smiling at my- no doubt- dumbstruck expression.****
Get rid of those dash lines. It would still make sense.

****Zach and Tab both looked at me, and nodded their head. ****
Heads

****He looked matured, but only slightly because he never looked really young to begin with. Even as a fifteen year old, he could beat some other teen stars in a manly-ness contest.****

Maybe “He looked like he had matured” and add “since I'd last seen him on TV” or something.
And manly-ness should be changed to manliness. Its a real word, I promise!

****I'd always told my sister, Tiara, that his lips weren't naturally that color, that it was makeup or photo shop, apparently I was wrong.****

You use the conjunction “I'd” a lot, so I would change it to “I had” every once in a while. Put “but” in front of “apparently”, so it makes more sense.

****“I knew that, but none-the-less I'm Rylie Highe.“****
You use dashes quite a bit, especially with Rylie. Get rid of those, and use commas between “but” and “none” and “less” and “I'm” .

Now to Rye's part. I must say I absolutely think you did a GREAT job at changing your point of view. You really distinguished between you characters well, and I felt as if I was truly in a man's point of view. Especially when he noticed her “Hot Bod” so to speak.

But putting that aside, you seem to have rushed this part a bit, compared to Rylie's part.

**** I want to keep talking to Rylie-screw the teacher- so I leaned over to her desk and whispered, “How old are you?“ Probably not the best question, but its the first one I became up with.****

DASHES! -Huh? Me?- YEAH, YOU! -What?- GET OUTTA HERE! -Okay... -
Those dash line thingys aren't used in books as often as they are here in your piece. And I did say to limit your use of commas, so use parenthesis here if you really want something different.
Also, it is “came up with” not “became up with”, it was probably not on purpose, but it's still there, so I thought I'd tell ya!

****“If you’reonly nineteen, what are you doing her?****

Missed a space. And “here” not 'her”

****“I was just telling Rye abouthow I love proportions. See, Rye was asking me if I knew any goods tutors-he said he already had a feeling he was gonna need some help in this class- so I said I could volunteer because I love math, especially proportions.“ Her face was bright and her smile was enthusiastic, as if she really did love math. Damn, the girl was even a good actress, quick with improve too.****

You missed a space here again, and you said “improve” instead of “improv” and even though it isn't really a word, people will know you mean “improvisational acting”. Also, her character is really conflicting, which I know it is supposed to be like that, but be careful. I mean, would Rylie really talk back to the teacher in front of a whole class of students she hardly knew (because it's her first day, and its a new class) if she was shy? Maybe, if by shy you mean “doesn't act like herself in front of new people”, you could at least make her seem more nervous when saying this.

****Exactly as she said this, a whole bunch of my fans bombarded us as we stepped into the hallway.****

“Exactly when” or “As soon as” would make more sense here in place of “Exactly as”


Well, that is all I got for now. I will do the rest later tonight after I work on my own piece for a bit! Thanks again, and I'm looking forward to reading more of your works!

Oh, and also, I loved this piece, I think I forgot to mention that! Its really quite funny and entertaining to read!

Well this is one of my favorite stories that I have read on YWS. It's funny, interesting and really entertaining. I look forward to reading more. My favorite part is that you can automatically sense a connection between the two main characters, it's awesome. Although this idea for a book is a little overdone, it's still really interesting. Please post more soon!

Well this is one of my favorite stories that I have read on YWS. It's funny, interesting and really entertaining. I look forward to reading more. My favorite part is that you can automatically sense a connection between the two main characters, it's awesome. Although this idea for a book is a little overdone, it's still really interesting. Please post more soon!

This book has some really good writing in it. I would strongly recommend it for any looking for a good humour. The writer makes sure to use only words that help move the story forward. While doing all of this she fits in just the perfect amount of humour, drama, and action. Perfect for anyone who loves to read.

Rye-lie has excellent writing and a very strong plot. I thought it was amazing