The cool fall breeze blew throughout the small town of Victoria. Leaves gently danced in the breeze all the way down, from the tall oak trees, to the nicely trimmed grass drenched in dew. The bright full moon was the only light that brightened the empty, barren streets. Crickets croaked looking for mates, but silence fell over the streets when footsteps echoed down the sidewalk.
A couple walked side by side holding hands, laughing, and smiling as they passed the small, timeworn, shops that closed hours ago.
“Thank you, Gabriel,” A girl stopped in front of Gabriel, a teenager who couldn’t be any older than sixteen, staring into his light-blue eyes—holding on to his strong, fine- toned arms. “Tonight was one of the best nights of my life.”
Gabriel smiled looking down at Kaitlin, the girl he had just met a few days ago. He couldn’t help but run his hand through her long, blonde hair. “Mine’s two,” Gabriel’s soft, pink lips landed delicately on top of Kaitlin’s warm lips coated in red lipstick. His hands ran down her back feeing her black, cotton hoodie brushing against his fingers.
Kaitlin was lost in Gabriel’s kiss. She had only known him for a few days, but it was as if they were something more than friends, more than boyfriend and girlfriend, more than soul mates.
Every time Gabriel breathed out; Kaitlin breathed in his warm breath. His breath smelled of rich honeysuckle that she couldn’t get enough. She wanted more, more of his lips. She wanted something deeper.
As if he could read her mind, Gabriel’s tongue slowly entered into Kaitlin’s mouth, going deeper and deeper, until their tongues met. Kaitlin couldn’t pull away, not after she had gotten so far. It was as if at this exact moment, they became one, nothing would tear them apart. Not knowing what to do, Kaitlin ran her hands through Gabriel’s short, black hair, pulling him closer to her, so that not even the fall breeze could fit in-between their bodies.
Pulling away from Kaitlin’s lips, Gabriel started to kiss Kaitlin’s neck. Pleasure ran through her as she felt Gabriel’s mouth pressed gently on her neck. Her mouth opened, low moans of pleasure escaped her lungs. This was the first time she had kissed anyone so passionately, so deeply. Questions slowly bounced through her mind. Should I pull away? She couldn’t think straight long enough because she felt pain coming from her neck. Not knowing if this was supposed to happen, Kaitlin tried to wiggle her way from Gabriel’s tight grip.
Gabriel tightened his grip on Kaitlin as he felt her trying to break loose. It was too late Gabriel’s eyes turned from a bright blue into a dark black—he knew what was going to come next. His nails started to grow longer, sharpening as if daggers were on his hands. He ran the tips of his nails up Kaitlin’s exposed thigh; she trembled as the tingles ran up her body. Pulling away from Kaitlin’s neck, Gabriel could feel his fangs slowly growing out of his mouth; he quickly embedded his sharp, pointed fangs deep into Kaitlin’s neck before she had the chance to see what was happening.
Pain quickly shot through Kaitlin. Her quiet moans of pleasure turned into loud screams of pain. Feeling the blood gushing from her neck, she tried to pull away from Gabriel as quick as she could, but Gabriel’s strong arms pulled her closer to his body.
“Stop!” Kaitlin screamed while she still tried to break loose of Gabriel’s strong grip.
Gabriel wouldn’t stop, not until he drenched Kaitlin of her blood leaving her to die on the street. It took him over three days to get this close enough to her, and wasn’t going to let her get away making him start all over again on another defenseless, helpless girl.
“Please....” Kaitlin’s voice was faint. Dizziness swept through her body. She couldn’t stand on her own two feet; she fell into Gabriel’s arms—the last place she wanted to be. Looking up at Gabriel’s eyes, Kaitlin stared into the darkness that filled them. She looked deeper into his eyes, and could see the reflection of her frightened face.
What happened to the sweet Gabriel she knew, the Gabriel who she liked—theGabriel she loved? “Gabriel....Please....”
But it was too late Gabriel had left, and was replaced with Bishop; one of the Evilest, most feared vampire in all of Victoria, and Kaitlin was his prey, and he a hunter of the night, and he wasn’t going to let her escape, not with her life.
The world started to fade to Kaitlin. She couldn’t see straight. Gabriel’s black hair slowly turned grey, the bright, white full moon blackened. She could feel her heartbeat, which was beating like a drum; slow down. Was this how she was going to die, lying defenseless in Gabriel’s arms as he sucked the blood from out her veins? She remembered all the stories of how vampires ruled over Victoria, ruled the streets after night, the abounded buildings during day, but she would have never thought the old myths were true.
Why Kaitlin? Out of all the girls in Victoria who did all the wrong things like do drugs, smoke, drop out of school. Why Kaitlin? She did everything she was supposed to do; she got good grades, never failed a test; she was going to be accepted into Harvard. “Why...Me?” Tears fell from the corner of her eyes.
The world turned from bright colors of fall into just utter darkness, as Kaitlin fell to the ground. No blood fell out of her open wound that Gabrielle made.
Gabriel licked the rest of the blood that sat on his lips with his sharp-pointed tongue. Standing over Kaitlin’s lifeless body, he didn’t know how to feel. Should he pity her for having to die like this? Or should he hate her for having such sweet blood that was hard to find? Not wanting to stick around for a passing police officer, Gabriel slowly walked away blending in with the darkness while he wore his thick, black coat, not turning back once to glance at Kaitlyn.
hey ParisCarter
Gabriel is the perfect name for someone evil, because it's a complete contrast! I don't know if you used the name simply because you liked it, or if you wanted to communicate how angelic Gabriel seems at the start, but it works!
Stupid Gabriel, he sounded so perfect! You have described the emotions really well in this piece, and I really started to wish I knew a Gabriel :')
The imagery at the start was good, however it did seem to lose it's depth as the story continued, however I liked the contrast between the sweet, happy atmosphere at the start and the darker and frankly chilly atmosphere at the end
One thing, I think that the pace of the story may need reworking as it's like; walk, yay all happy, kiss, yay happy, bite, oh dear the end. But that's a minor thing and I guess the pace adds to the disorientation that Kaitlin must be feeling.
How you have used Gabriel's thoughts at the end is interesting, as it makes the reader empathise with vampires, rather than think he is straight out evil. Definitely keep that in!
And the names, great
I'm still working on my reviewing techniques, so sorry if this isn't very constructive...
Love it though!
-Bilbos
Hey ParisCarter
I hope you're enjoying YWS! Remember to have a look at other people's stories too...it's a sure fire way to make friends and writing pals!
So...onto the review!
I liked that even though this was a Vampire story with romance involved that it wasn't like the slew of teenage vampire romance stories that have been going round since Twilight. I like that Gabriel only got close to her because he wanted to kill her and that really he just sees her as a meal. This is good and I hope you keep it like that because it's kind of refreshing...seeing a vampire as dangerous rather than an object of lust.
Somehow I feel this needs to be lengthened though. It's tricky because I liked how you revealed he was a vampire because at the beginning I was just like 'Ok...another random romance story.' but then you switched it, which I liked. However, I would kind of like to see more of their date. Maybe at the beginning you could show them at dinner or the cinema and throw in subtle hints about what is about to happen just to make that moment that Gabriel bites her that more impacting.
I also think you need to be careful with perspective. You flit from Kaitlin's perspective to Gabriel's perspective quite freely. Sometimes line to line it'll be a different perspective and this can become quite disorientating. So be careful with that. Having said that, I'm not sure whose perspective I would rather see this story from. I would say Gabriel's but I like the element of surprise. Perhaps you can have it be Kaitlin's right up to the point where he bites her and then you can switch to just Gabriel and his mental state at that point. Perspective is a powerful story telling tool and if you can get the balance of perspective right then you can make your story that much more interesting.
Anywho! Hope that was helpful. Let me know if you have any questions
Bex
x
1. the beginning was disorienting. you begin with colorful images of trees and dewy grass and a light breeze, then proceed to describe the moon and barren streets. it was pretty much the only imagery in the entire piece, and it failed in its job of establishing an early dark atmosphere. also, crickets don't croak.
2. the first half is relatively smooth, but i got lost in the second half. who was that bishop guy? he "replaced" gabriel, and then doesn't show up again. was he intended to represent gabriel's alternate vampiric personality? if so, it's not clear, especially since you continue to refer to him as gabriel even after he's turned vampire. also in the second half, kaitlin is rambling on nonsensically about grades, and drugs, and how she loved gabriel, and it all just kind of blurred together.
3. pretty much nothing happened in this story. a guy bit a girl's neck and then walked away. everything else is just fluff that could probably just be summed up in a paragraph or two.
4. there isn't enough justification for kaitlin's unconditional love for gabriel. she says they could be soulmates but how do you expect me, as the reader, to believe that? "a few days" is far too little foundation for such an incredibly passionate relationship. if you really want to make a story of this, go back and prove to me that they're in love.
hope his helped.
-kafka
Thank you! Your comment got my brain thinking and now I'm starting to answer some of your questions, and I can see myself filling in the holes by editing this piece later this week! Thank you!