Published January 15, 2013
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137,660 Literary Works • 672,057 Reviews
Hi, Ree!
I like your imagery. Also one of my favorite parts is "poised to please" because it's an alliteration and it shows something about the speaker of those words. Here, it doesn't only apply to the words, but to the speaker as well.
"The beauty that starts wars./ your hands as bloodied as your lips" I like this stanza. I think it would serve you better to have a colon after wars instead of a period. If you make it one sentence, it'll make the two ideas even more related than they are now.
"can I have a kiss?" Is wonderful. It's simple, but suggests much more because of who you want to kiss.
"I glimpse into your soul" I think this could be reworded. "glimpse" doesn't seem like exactly the right word. "peek," perhaps? Glimpse seems a little noun-y for me.
I think you should get rid of the ellipses at the end. They're not really doing much for me.
Also, perhaps add one last line to complete the poem. Since her soul was once sweet and young, what has it become? Use a telling statement to answer the question. I usually say show, don't tell, but in this case, telling would have more impact. If you want.
I enjoyed reading and reviewing this. Nice job, sir.
Of course that would be amongst one of your favorite parts.
You made me put it back into the poem during the revising stage.
Ah, I can see that --combining the two sentences. That works.
I love how you capitalize my i's. It's almost as though it's driving you up a wall. [; Not entirely my intention, but I see that poetry is serious business here and serious business is extreme: all caps or none at all. Back to your review!
Hmmm, perhaps glimpse isn't the ideal word: however, I'm not feeling peek. Peek sounds cowardly. Our narrator may be duplicitous in nature, but they don't seem to be apologetic for it.
Ellipses are there to stay. The thought trails off and we'll never know where the speaker was going with this. Did they die? Who knows~ I wouldn't put anything past a lady that can spark a war.
Thanks for your thoughts. I'm still snickering over the fact you're telling me to break the cardinal rule of show, don't tell. Oh, you.
Milly the very silly, indeed.
Oh. How pretty.
Haha. Hello! Gummies here.
It's lovely. With such depth and a morbid kind of beauty.
I like the random indent before "without a heartbeat", as if it emphasizes a part of the theme. Hmm I don't have much else to say, but I liked it. Keep it up(:
xo gummies.
Thank you, mate. I appreciate your comments.
I did the indentation without much thought. Looked nice, lulz.