Young Writers Society

Hello! Wonderfully delicate piece! I enjoyed how each phrase expanded the picture, it corresponded well with the theme of aging, or the sadness that comes with it. The only critique I have are with the last two lines. I am a bit confused on your relationship to the woman in the you are describing. Overall, a well-written piece. Keep going, I look forward to reading more of your work.
Tory

Hey there!

Wow, you have some pretty great reviews here and so I'm not sure what else I can add that's different than what's already been said.

I enjoyed reading this poem, I think you have some strong words that aren't too complicated and quite simple. You also show some nice imagery, I think I liked the "Her gait is shuffling, halting--Older than her fifty years" line the most. The line "Standing is too tiring, now" seems to be saying almost the same thing about how difficult or weak her walking is and if you can, change it to something else that isn't repetitive.

Like others have mentioned, I don't really see the point the last two lines. It popped out quite a bit and the change in the perspective really doesn't do much for the piece considering that I have no idea who "I" in this poem is referring to.

Overall, I think it's a pretty simplistic poem that has the ability to speak louder. It does need some work, I agree with Firestarter that some of the beginning stanzas were leaning towards almost too simplistic but you can always edit this and play around with more descriptions and words.

-S

Hello CourtlynJ! A great piece, but of course, this is a review, so I must be at least a little bit critical!

Let's start with what worked well:

I think you've hit the nail on the head in terms of style. The bare, simple vocabulary is great at reflecting the subject of your poem; it has connotations of fragility and delicacy. Also, this removes distractions and lets us focus on the power of the piece. This brings us onto another strong point: you're great with your emotive language and sentence structures. The line "Eyes full of haggard longing" is a good example of this. Particularly the decision to describe the eyes, which are often referred to as the windows to the soul, creates empathy for the woman. Introducing her daughter has a similar effect.

Now, let's move onto what I didn't think worked so well:

There were a few clumsy lines in there that can be awkward to read, for example, "She's not in choir anymore," could be swapped for something like, "the days of choir long gone," (you'll probably think up something better). Also, the comma in, "standing is too tiring, now," is unnecessary.

This last point raises another issue with the poem. You claim standing to be too tiring, yet later contradict it by suggesting that even when sitting down she cannot relax. I assume you're talking here about the effort of breathing, but it can cause some confusion - maybe try rephrasing it for clearer implications?

The final thing I'd like to say is just an idea: could you perhaps dispense with the "worrying", "walking" etc. verbs to help with the fluidity of the piece? Also, I think it may benefit from the loss of the last two lines - it seems unneeded.

Other than that, great work! Keep chipping away at it and soon you'll have something fantastic.

I like this little piece of poetry. It has a certain delicacy to it that can leave one mesmerized. Though there were some parts it was confusing and left me wondering a bit you still manage to deliver us a good poem. Sorry it's not a longer review but I'm still working on my reviewing skills. Btw welcome to YWS.

Take out the verbs from the start of each stanza and this becomes infinitely better.

The reason? The verbs are doing the signposting for us, and that takes away a lot of the point of poetry. You don't need to tell the reader what you're about to talk about.

Re: "Helpless, / I watch." This should be more evident throughout the poem. It lacks punch at the end, alone, because we haven't heard anything from the observer before this. It's simply been description. I'd prefer some emotional revelations from the narrator prior to the ending, otherwise it loses any impact. I also don't know the connection between the narrator and the subject of the poem and so it loses impact from that, too.

I liked some of your imagery -- "Eyes full of haggard longing" was one of your better lines -- but they don't seem to arrive until the third stanza. The first two are your weakest, in this respect. They are too straightforward, too mundane. The subject walks in a way that suggests she's ill, and then the subject can't sing because she's tired/ill. Lines like "Standing is too tiring, now" is something you should be showing us, not telling us. You need to use imagery in the same way you used it later, especially in the third stanza to imply the subject's state, to show us that she's feeling too old/unwell to walk and sing. Otherwise it's all a bit too straightforward.

Hope this helps.

Take out the verbs from the start of each stanza and this becomes infinitely better.

The reason? The verbs are doing the signposting for us, and that takes away a lot of the point of poetry. You don't need to tell the reader what you're about to talk about.

Re: "Helpless, / I watch." This should be more evident throughout the poem. It lacks punch at the end, alone, because we haven't heard anything from the observer before this. It's simply been description. I'd prefer some emotional revelations from the narrator prior to the ending, otherwise it loses any impact. I also don't know the connection between the narrator and the subject of the poem and so it loses impact from that, too.

I liked some of your imagery -- "Eyes full of haggard longing" was one of your better lines -- but they don't seem to arrive until the third stanza. The first two are your weakest, in this respect. They are too straightforward, too mundane. The subject walks in a way that suggests she's ill, and then the subject can't sing because she's tired/ill. Lines like "Standing is too tiring, now" is something you should be showing us, not telling us. You need to use imagery in the same way you used it later, especially in the third stanza to imply the subject's state, to show us that she's feeling too old/unwell to walk and sing. Otherwise it's all a bit too straightforward.

Hope this helps.

Bit confused on what point of view this is from. The bride, I presume? Or the old woman's daughter? Don't get why she's exactly singing at the wedding either, but...I have been to one wedding where there was a singer. But it was a Catholic wedding. So.

Anyway, I really liked this. While it took me a little bit to wrap my head around it, it reminded me of my older relatives and that particular brand of sadness I get around them. My family generally stands at five generations living, and I can remember my great-great-grandmother losing it, just telling me she loved me and telling me how much she missed her husband, and I could just feel death pulling at her bird-like frame. This poem thus made me a bit teary, and it's almost like I feel compelled to write about my own experience. I'd count it as a success, thusly, even if a bit of editing, I believe, to perhaps make the POV clearer, could be very useful.

I thoroughly enjoyed this piece! I felt the emotion in each stanza. The only slightly confusing line was "Sitting,
Her scarf hidden ribs
Heave from the effort.
I had to read it twice to understand maybe a comma put after "ribs" would do the trick. Other than that tiny thing I saw a beautifully written piece. It left me wanting to know more and to feel more. I will definitely be waiting to see from you again.
-Tory

Hello there Courtlyn, and welcome to YWS, it's only the best site ever... My name is Saga and I'll be giving you my hopefully helpful opinion on this piece.

First of all, this is good. You've got some great imagery here and the piece really manage to bring forth emotion. I almost felt my own self get heavy with exhaustion reading this.

I agree with the previous reviewer though that the title is a little to dry. It's a little cliché and too dull, I can see how it connects with the poem but a title is supposed to lure people in, make them interested and want to know what's hidden behind. With a title like this I'm afraid you'll lose readers because it is dull and so you imagine the piece to be too. - Which it is not!

I like how you've organized this piece too, the single-worded first lines is a good way to set the mood for each stanza- I do however think you could use other words. I like the "Singing" and the "Worrying" I think those words bring something to the piece, but the "Walking" and "Sitting" I think could be replaced with something with a little more power and emotion. Something to hint the emotion you like to awaken in that certain stanza.

Also, I am a bit confused to what part the narrator plays in this piece. They remain anonymous throughout the whole piece but then at that last line you say "I watch" and a third person is introduced. I don't like this ending because I like an ending to either tie a piece together or just be shocking enough to stay with the reader. This ending is however just confusing. It might be so that I am not clever enough to see how this person fits into the piece, but if there is one, there's often more so I'd suggest that you either change the ending or make the narrators presence more clear.

Finally, I'd just like to say that I appreciated this piece and I shall award it with 3½/5 icky, sticky spiders.

Good Luck & Keep Writing

// Demoness

Hey there.

Whoa. I got the shivers.
I love the imagery. You keep it consistent throughout, but it still manages to have movement. You stay focused on the woman, which I appreciate. If it were me, I'd make the mistake of focusing on the setting (I always did have a weakness for the architecture of churches). You did a very nice job with your focus.

I do have a few suggestions for change.
-"bobbing to the music" I feel like bobbing isn't the right word here. Bobbing suggests energy, which contradicts the other words you've used to describe her.
-I think you should only capitalize the first word of the sentence. You capitalize the beginning of each line, but for me it's confusing at times. "Salt-and-pepper wig shadows/ Eyes full of haggard longing." Because Eyes is capitalized, my brain wanted to start a new sentence. So I thought you were describing the shadows the wig threw, but on my second read through, I realized that you were using shadows as the verb. Without the capitalization, I think I would have gotten it the first time.

I don't feel like helpless would be a good enough name for such a good poem. Try a phrase instead of one word. It'll help. (also, "helpless" makes me think of a whiny emo poem. In fact, I almost didn't read this poem because of the title. thank goodness I did.)

I hope that this review was helpful. It was a pleasure to read. Happy writing.