Young Writers Society

Here to review!
My name is Omniyus, dear person!

I will grade this story as I read it, so bear with me if I say something that is answered later in the story. Your story will be in quotes and my notes will be in spoiler mode.

Everyone wants to be somebody. Riches, fame, happiness

Spoiler! :

I think a colon would be sufficient here

the key to the American Dream. Today,somewhere in the country there is a little

Spoiler! :

girl?

who wants to be a model, and a little boy who wants to make music. 10 years later there both eighteen and if they want they could have anything,

Spoiler! :

Again, I think a colon would do better than a comman

college, job, house. Instead they leave for the land of Dreams: California. At first it's hard and then it falls into place. Our little girl meets a boy with a wallet and a sly

Spoiler! :

space?

smile next thing you know shes wearing Tiffany diamonds driving here

Spoiler! :

I think you want to say, driving here in a Mercedes Benz

MercedesBenz. That boy, who was once her best friend, is out living his dream up on the stage. Everything has it's new, shiny California plastic surgery gleam; but only for a moment.

Our littleMidwesterngirl marries a tough L.A. man and she thinks she is happy, but the bruises are too dark. She smiles and shops, pretending that she is not living in hell. Our youngMidwesternboy has the music, the money, and the drugs. His brain floats withecstasyinduced hallucinations, and he sees her floating through his dreams, the way. Soon he finds her in her mansion, and he looks at her painted face seeing a grimace hidden behind lip stick. The facade crumbles when the rain falls melting away the lies.

Spoiler! :

I think you want to space out those smushed together words with "-" instead of just having them packed together like the way they are.

He wants to run with her hand in his. They pack their bags and act alright, but something is lurking inwhatwas supposed to be goodbye. They drive and drive for days, and years but still California looms. She wishes for her house, and her credit car

Spoiler! :

credit card?

. He wants his band, his vintage Les Paulguitar. The turn back to the Land of Dreams seeing the truth in the Hollywood Sign, a grave marker for the hearts and souls. They bury their pasts, morals,souls at it's basechoosinga more painful,glamorouslife.

I like the song, and I like this piece of writing! It's very creative, and has a great mood. I like how you say "our little girl" and "our little boy", like we know them really well.It also provides a sort of innocence, as well. A lot of feeling is condensed into just these three short paragraphs. We hardly know these characters, yet I feel a deep connection to them all the same. I enjoyed seeing the life of both the boy and girl, too. Some of my favorite lines are:

"Soon he finds her in her mansion, and he looks at her painted face seeing a grimace hidden behind lip stick. The facade crumbles when the rain falls melting away the lies."

I love the deep sadness and wonderful imagery this evokes.

And:

"Our little girl meets a boy with a wallet and a sly smile.."

"Our little Midwestern girl marries a tough L.A. man and she thinks she is happy, but the bruises are too dark. She smiles and shops, pretending that she is not living in hell."

By the end I really feel sorry for them. When he yearns for his vintage Les Paul guitar, so do I.
This is really short, but I think if you add in some more (details, literay devices, a plot, all that good stuff ) you could have the potential for something really great, even a short story, and I'd definitely read it.

Thanks for sharing, and keep writing!

Silver