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Young Writers Society



My Proof Of Life - Chapter 2

by AyameAya


My Proof Of Life - Chapter - 2 - The Elfier Guild

Nine months have passed since that December night. To this day, I still don't know that girl's name. I asked my father, but he looked surprised and told me just to drop it. There's nothing wrong with her, is there? I wonder if I'll ever see her again...

I waited excitedly outside the official headquarters of the only alchemy guild in my home city of Elfier. The early September wind blew gently through my jet black hair that was ever slicked down against my head. The air seemed to nip at my exposed ears, turning them red. It stung so I pressed my hands to my ears to try and warm them up while also avoiding messing up my sleek hair. Winter seems like it would come early this year because of how cold it was getting, how bothersome. Pedestrians and horse-drawn carriages passed me with barely a glance except for tiny faces pressed against the glass, small children who felt they had to look at everything. Some nodded a 'good morning' to me and looked quite cheerful as they wandered the chilly streets while others ignored me completely, tipping their heads down and often even muttering to themselves with frustration on their partially covered faces. I heard the bell of the clock tower go off and it's sound echoed in the air for all to hear. My heart beat fast, finally it was 9:00 A.M. and I was going to be allowed into the guild right on time.

I grinned, recalling my birthday. It had been a few months ago. My acceptance letter came in that day. I was so excited that the servants in my mansion said that they'd never seen me look happier. I had always been a quiet kid who everyone thought was depressed just by the way I looked and how I carried myself. The maid who raised me in place of my mother said this guild was just what I needed, it's true too. I would start out as a C class member of the guild, the lowest of the three classes, and I would steadily work my way up the classes over a few more years once I gain more experience. I had faith that if I'd gotten this far I could defiantly go all the way with this goal of mine. I checkedthe time again, still 9. I couldn't help my fidgeting, I was just so excited! I shifted my feet around on the pavement, kicking a small pebble around as anxiety bubbled up inside me.

"Hi! You must be Demetri Takari, right?" I jumped as a voice interrupted my thoughts. I turned my head to where the cheerful voice came from and saw a kid smiling down at me from the guild's doorway. Slightly cracked glasses rested on thetip of his nose. I scanned him from head to toe, getting the impression from himthat he was slightly older than me. When he noticed my distraction, he coughed a little bit so I snapped back to look at him in the face. He had very dark brown eyes, which almost made them seem like they were black. His hair was equally dark, I realized as he ran his hand through it and cleared some of the dust away. The dust came off in waves as he tried to clean it out of his unkempt hair.

"Terrific!" He said as he straightened his glasses, "We've been waiting for you, Demetri. Please, come in!" A little startled that he didn't even give me time to answer his previous question, I nervously stepped into the guild. Instantly the smell of smoke hit my face and I started to cough quite a bit.

"Wha-? What the heck it that!?" I asked between coughs as I swatted the air to make the smoke clear from my face because it was stinging my eyes as well. The boy turned to me and glanced innocently at me.

"Hm? Oh, that... Just one of my daily screw ups, you'll get used to it just as much as everyone else here." He said and we continued down the hallway, "I can't wait to show you around! It's been so lonely as the only C class member." He blushed awkwardly as he continued,"You see... I was supposed to move up this year, but I didn't pass the exam so I got booted back for another year of doing the B class's bidding." The signs of embarrassment disappeared as he looked over his shoulder at me, "I'm Joan, by the way!" He said in a peppy way as he walked backwards so he could look at me while he was talking. I blinked at him, Joan huh? He sure was energetic... It kind of makes me feel tired just watching him act so excited.

"But, before you meet the guild master the A class said they wanted to meet the new kid. You're so lucky!" He stated with a gleam of slight envy in his eyes, "They never wanted to meet me when I first joined..." He said with a jealous tone as his voice lowered to a mumble. I blinked and kept staring, this kid must be the most bi-polar person in all of Elfier. One second he's yelling and acting so excited the next he's pouting and mumbling to me, what's next?!

But never the less, I was surprised to hear the A class wanted to meet me. Did I really score that high on the entrance exam that they simply had to meet me right off the bat? My face flushed with embarrassment just thinking about it as I walked heavily down the hallway behind Joan. He led the way, so when he stopped in front of a steel door I felt my heart skip a beat. I was so nervous about meeting them, what if they were a bunch of overgrown men who wanted to wrestle me?! I felt myself start to feel my knees get weak at the very thought, it was so scary. Joan cheerfully knocked on the door and shouted through it, saying that it was him and the new kid. I started to feel a little sick when a man called back for us to come in.

I walked inside with Joan happily trotting in behind me and was instantly surprised by the room. It was not very big and had purple wallpaper with a white carpet. I instantly noticed the two couches in the corner with two people laying on them. One was a boy who seemed a lot more interested in his book to look up at me. He flipped the page of his book and rested his hand back in his leg, still refusing to look up at me. He was tall looking and muscular with unkempt brown hair and bright mint green eyes. He wore a black suit along with a red tie, which was oddly formal to wear to a guild. His eyes were focused on the page. I tilted my head to try and get a glance at the cover so I could see the title, but the book was held so that I almost toppled over. I shook my head, giving upon this guy.

I turned my attention to the other person, who was a girl. She had her back to me and seemed to be taking a nap on the couch, which irritated me a little bit since the A class were supposed to be the busiest of all the three classes. From what I could see, she had very long brown hair tied up in a pony tail that trailed onto the ground a little it was so long. It unnerved me to see her wearing a long black jacket with stitch marks all over it, like it had been cut up a lot. She looked pretty tall and had a pretty slender and lean body, most likely she was a pretty fast person. I frowned as I watched her slow breathing, she was asleep alright. They were the ones who wanted to see me, so it annoyed me to see two of the people lacking interest in me. I turned my head away from her and sighed, those two were most likely not the most experienced members of the class anyway so it shouldn't matter to me if they paid attention or not.

"Hello!" Called a friendly voice and I found myself snapping my head to someone who had come up next to me all of a sudden. I was looking at a man who had curly blonde hair that had a bit of an eccentric touch to it and he had bright gray eyes that glinted excitedly. I nearly sighed again right in front of him, another jumpy person is going make me so exhausted everyday I may just flop down in bed the minute I get home. He was average height and had small traces of a newly shaved beard. He had on a white t-shirt under a brown overcoat that was wrinkled past the point of being ironed. I found myself staring at him with a look in my eyes that made him feel like I wasjudging him, because he glanced at his overcoat and attempted to straighten it out a little bit. I turned my head away in embarrassment, how rude ofme.

There were two other people as well, one was a short girl who sat on a chair next to a desk that had papers scattered all over it. Somehow when I had imagined the A class lounge I expected it to be a lot neater that this, not to mention I expected more people. The short girl had her head turned to me and smiled, showing a mouthful of perfect white teeth. She instantly struck me as the kind of girl who played with her hair to keep her hands busy because she was running a petite hand through her straight shoulder length black hair. Her green eyes were striking, I found myself blushing slightly as I stared into them. She had on a casual black dress that was pretty simple other than the sash that went around herwaist. I nodded at her nervously and shifted my feet a little, suddenly feeling a little out of place among these five important people.

I managed to catch Joan's eyes as if he was expecting this as my reaction. He winked and whispered in my ear, "Don't be scared, they're nice people. Just like Mikky to the talking right now, he hates it when others speak over him." He said, then realized he was going against his own words, "Oh, like that. Don't do that." He laughed. I smiled at him, I guess I could get used to this guy. With that boost to my confidence, I picked my head up to look around again.

The other was a skinny looking boy leaning against a wall on the far side of the room who looked about the same age as the girl in the black dress, which I'm assuming was around nineteen or eighteen. He had very short golden brown hair that was only long in front of his face. I focused my eyes to try and see through that mess of bangs, he had dull blue eyes. I blinked at him then looked away, under the impression that he was a pretty nervous person who didn't like people staring at him. As I expected, he shifted around awkwardly and crossed his arms, trying to make himself smaller as if he wanted to curl into a ball and disappear. He managed a quick glance to the uninterested girl who was now only half asleep on the couch and turned away with blush burning on his face. To respect him, I pretended I didn't notice.

"Awe~ I remember when I was this young! Look at this little cutie, Katie!" The blonde man said as he swung his arm over my shoulder and ruffled my hair with his other hand. Now that my hair was completely ruined, I had a slight glare on my face and shooed him off my so I could try to fix it back to looking neat.

"Haha~ How sweet, Mikael!" Chimed the short black haired girl sitting on a chair next to a desk with paper and pencils scattered over it.

"First thing's first: introductions! My name is Mikael," he grinned as he pointed to himself, "The girl in the chair over there is Katie," He nodded to the black haired girl who smiled back at me and waved, "And the guy being antisocial in the far corner is Sean." He said concluded with a slight roll of his eyes. Then he turned to the two people on the couches who I had nearly forgotten about.

"Those guys are our prized members, Shasta and Shiki Kuru!"His voice was loud with pride as he said their names, "Don't be afraid of them by their looks, they actually aren't that bad even though they look like they could snap you in two!" Mikael joked. I felt my heart stop for a moment. The very people I had been trying to avoid were right in front of me, and by the look Shiki was giving me now they knew who I was as well... I tried to hide behind Joan, but it was too late before Shiki put his book down and walked up to me with an angry expression on his face.

"So, we finally meet, Demetri Takari... I want to make one thing clear with you, stay away from me and my sister if you know what's good for you!", he said with a sadistic grin, "Here, I'll give you a little taste of what will happen to you if you decide to break that little rule." He growled and raised his fist to strike me. I closed my eyes and prepared to be punched in the face, when I heard a familiar voice.

"Stupid!"Came the sharp sound of a girl's voice. Iopened my eyes to see the girl from the couch shoving Shiki away from me, "You can't just hit him," her icy blue eyes glared frustratedly at him, "What do you think you are doing!?" Her forehead wrinkled as she continued to snarl at her brother, "He didn't do anything to us, we'd be in the wrong," she jabbed him sharply in the side, "if you hit him!" Her voice raised as she prepared to finish, "Shiki you freaking idiot!" She shouted. Apparently, she had woken up due to the noise to see her brother about to hit me. She turned tome sharply, "What are you staring at!?" She snapped. I felt panic rising up in my chest as I turned away, "S-sorry!" I squeaked in fright. Her eyes softened and she shook her head apologetically, "No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap and Shiki here won't bother you again." She promised with slight embarrassment lighting her eyes as she scratched the back of her neck modestly. Feeling like I like her more now, I turned back to look at her with a slight smile showing that I forgave her. However, I was stunned to see that on her face just under her right eye was a blood red marking. It was hard to explain how it looked, but it was curved into three spikes at the top with a skin colored diamond in the middle. It formed downwards into an arrow sharp looking point with two small points coming out of the middle of it and in the two spaces on either sides there were tilted diamond pointing inwards. There's no mistaking it, it's the mark of one of the ancient elite beasts that only members of the infamous elite wore on their faces.

The elite was a group of ten skilled alchemists and fighters who fought their way up the ranks by killing each other. The only way into it wasto kill the tenth member, the lowest ranking of them all, and take his or her ancientbeast as well as his or her ranking. Once you were in it, only the number one member had the ability to retire you from it, which was a very rare occurrence. Members were cautioned to not have personal relations with others that may lead to something that if the member was to be killed the other person would be heartbroken.

I suddenly felt very afraid of her since I was face to face with a member of the elite, but when she turned to look kindly at me I instantly recognized that friendly look. It was that pretty young girl I had danced with that night at the Kuru's party. She and her brother must have taken the potion that night, that's why I didn't recognize her at first. They were immortal now... Immortal, that word echoed throughout my head and pierced the thick silence.

It's a very odd drug-like potion that when you take it, it sends you into a week long coma. When you wake up from it, odd things have happened to you depending on what gender you are. For both genders, you will grow about a foot taller and you're eye color will turn very unnatural depending on the original eye color. For example: blue becomes bright ice blue, green becomes bright mint green, gray becomes a bright violet, and brown becomes either a bright red or a bright gold depending on the shade of the brown. As for gender restricted changes, girls have their hair grow longer and they also become faster and leaner. Boys get a lot more muscular and stronger. The most well known change would be that you would stay looking like that for all eternity, which was both ups and downs to it. Immortality doesn't mean invincibility. You could die if you are stabbed through the heart or beheaded, but that's it. Immortality where you can't die only exists in fairy tales.

"Shasta... Kuru?" I whispered in dismay as I stared her straight in the eyes, she was a whole world ahead of me now that I knew who she was. It pained me so much.

"Yeah, that's me. Sorry if you got in trouble with your father for my actions that night." Her eyes lowered guiltily,"You can tell him that I take full responsibility, I was out of line to approach you." She said in a soft, regretful tone of voice as she bowed her head sadly.

"Oh! Oh, no no no! It's alright, I didn't get in trouble." It hurt to see her look like that, I had to make that smile of her's return, "I-I didn't know who you were, I should be the one that's sorry..." I mumbled awkwardly as I forced a smile on my face. The broken emotions I felt at that very moment overwhelmed me so much I thought I was going to start crying.

Shiki planted his hand on her shoulder and glared hatefully at me. He turned and steered his sister back to where they had been sitting so that they could go back to ignoring me.

"Demetri... Are you ok?" Asked a nervous Joan as he tapped my shoulder. I turned to him and Mikael an gave them a nod and a shaky smile, they looked just as surprised as me.

"I'm so sorry! I had no idea that you three had family issues, I should have known and not put you in a situation like that." Mikael stuttered awkwardly.

"Don't worry about it, I'm fine..." I lied to him as I smiled, trying to make it look like I meant it when in reality my heart was shattered.

"Time to meet the guild master then! Follow me, I'll show you the way!" Joan said cheerfully as he grabbed my wrist and practically dragged me out the door and back into the hallway. As we walked, I felt a sinking feeling as I tried to process what had just happened. The Kuru twins went to the same guild as me... That made it very hard to avoid them to keep the peace, this unnerved me greatly. What hurt my heart even more, was that the first girl I swore I had ever felt attraction to was actually an enemy of my family, we couldn't even be friends!

I sighed in frustration as Joan opened the door to the guild master's office. I looked up to see a man about the age of forty who had black hair and a bushy black beard. His dark black eyes shone as he laid them on me.

"Hello hello! Come in! You are our newest member, correct?" He asked with an excited tone, "Such an honor to have a Takari joining us after that legend your father left, you have big shoes to fill my boy mighty big shoes!" He said with a peppytone that reminded me a lot of Mikael. I glanced at a picture on his desk of him and Mikael and sure enough, they were related. This will be interesting.

"Now, Joan. The B class said they needed some help, why don't you two run along now and help them out, hm?" He said with a tone of dismissal. Joan and I turned and started to walk down the hallway again. My body filled up with excitement as I forgot all out my previous run in with the Kuru twins. I was the newest member of the Elfier guild, my adventure was only just beginning!


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Mon Feb 04, 2013 9:51 am
reason wrote a review...



Yo, let's get down to it.

It's early September. Give us some more description about the weather. Is it a tropical September with a temperate weather that lingers in the 80's or does the air have a bite to it? A chill that warns us that winter is approaching. Set the scene and have the protagonist reacting to it, I notice you made such an attempt by having him or her interacting with others. My issue with the interaction is that they're much too vague. Are the horse-drawn carriages haughty, looking down at her? Is there a curious child's face pressed against the window? These pedestrians represent the population, what does their attire or behaviors say about Elfier? Those that ignore the protagonist, do they sport the latest fashion or are they harried assistants that keep a low profile by staring at the ground with a frown?


The narration notes keenly that our protagonist is waiting -quite excited. How is she or he expressing their excitement? Is she or he shifting their weight? Is there some anxiety that gives our protagonist a boost of energy or are they trembling? Don't tell us what's going on, show to us what's happening and let us deduce whether she's: excited, anxious, eager, or otherwise.

it's sound


ts sound

I grinned happily as I recalled that day on my birthday a few months ago when I had received the letter saying that I had been accepted.


Awkward phrasing compels me to read this sentence multiple times to understand what's going on. I recommend:

I grinned, recalling my birthday. It had been a few months ago. My acceptance letter came in that day.

Much as Kyllorac states, redundancy and long sentences haunt this piece. In this quote, I dropped happily since grins are known to be out of happiness -or embarrassment. That's when the following sentences come in handy to show context.

The protagonist observes that the servants in mansion had never seen her or him happier. In which case, I wonder if our narrator is a brooding beast or forever miserable or merely aloof. Why leave it at servants? Specify a single servant that makes the observation, perhaps delve into a flashback scene. It's a joyous situation, which would be great to see how our protagonist interacting with someone beneath them in status -it's great for character development. The reader may be able to sympathize.

He wore glasses over his deep brown eyes and had dusty looking brown hair, as if he had gotten it dirty recently. He looked roughly a year older than me and was almost the same height as me, he was slightly taller. He straightened his glasses, which had been tipped to one side, and smiled hugely at me.


Hold on, now. This is what we call an information dump. Rather than overwhelm the reader, I suggest tossing in these details sparingly throughout the narration. Granted, this is a first person realistic narrative so I can see why the protagonist lists off details about this new stranger. I recommend taking it slow, imagine the protagonist is telling us in real time this new character.

Thick glasses rested on the boy's nose. He smiled, straightening his glasses. Something gave me the impression he was older, it may have been the peach fuzz on his upper lip. "Ahem," the unkempt boy cleared his throat. I noticed then he had dark eyes -it reminded me of my mahogany desk. I liked that desk. The mouse, that's what he also reminded me of, ran his fingers through his equally dark hair. Dust flew off. . . I hoped that was dust.

I will admit I embellished a bit with: peach fuzz, mahogany desk, and mouse. The point of the example is to exemplify how this is not only a great opportunity to describe a new character, but to also exhibit the narrator's personality through his comments. What does it say about him -what he observes and how he relates these details to his own personal life? By taking your time describing a character, it'll feel more natural to the reader -they can truly envision a character once they're given time to process the details.

Instantly the smell of smoke hit my face and I started to cough quite a bit.


This sentence shows verb-tense disagreement. The entire piece thus far is in past tense -with the exception of the protagonist's thoughts. Try to keep it consistent.

He said with grinned


He said with a grin.[/quote]

This is the second time we hear about his grin. Is there something unique about it? If there is, elaborate on it. [i]How
is it unique? Give the reader some new insight. Is there a new connotation of this grin compared to the previous grin? Is it overly eager? Does it reach his eyes?

Joan is walking backwards, but moments later the protagonist states:

It kind ofmakes me feel tired just watching him jump up and down.


He's walking backwards. How in the world does he manage to do this AND jump up -and- down?

He said with a slightly jealous tone of voice. I blinked and kept staring, this kid must be the most bi-polar person in all of Elfier. One second he's jumping up and down the next he's pouting and mumbling to me, what's next?!


Stop telling us, start showing us. How is Joan's tone intimating to jealousy? It isn't full blown, but only slightly. What precisely catches the protagonist's attention? You wait too long by introducing sentences later that Joan is pouting and mumbling. Readers don't get to see Joan -the narrator is our eyes and ears. How does Joan make the transition from jumping up and down to being sulky?

If he's sulky, that denotes a little bit more than "slightly jealous."

The introduction of two uninterested characters and a friendly man is too fast. The protagonist doesn't attach a nickname or something that he could identify the two that aren't interested in him. The continual reference to more characters is overwhelming. I can't remember much besides: girl who is sleeping (and pretty from behind), dude reading a book, friendly chap, friendly gal, and a nervous wreck that I will now fondly refer to as Twitch.

Slow down, let us gain a sense of our bearings. I imagine the narrator took longer than a glance on each character -let him make assumptions, regardless of how silly or off base they are.

"Look at this little cutie, Katie!"


Whoa, now. Katie is the girl sitting on a chair? We only get to know that she's friendly, has green eyes, and is seemingly friendly. There is no reference a chair. I assumed earlier that she was standing -do clarify early on.

Otherwise, the reader will have multiple double takes.

He said as he called out names and pointed to the people as he spoke.


Again, the narrator is our eyes and ears. Having Mikael pointing out people is not helpful. Having Mikael point in the direction of uninterested boy and rolling his eyes, "And that's Sean." It feels more organic that way and I know exactly what's going on.

Now, which one is Twitch? There we go, I thought Shiki was Twitch. You didn't clarify that Twitch was not on a couch -you only had the girl on a couch, but nothing was stated about the boy reading a book. I start to think he's on the floor and suddenly he's on a couch. Go figure!

I tried to hide behind Joan


Um, what? What in the world is Joan doing here? I thought he announced the protagonist's presence and lingered outside because no one cares about him. This is all about the protagonist being a special snowflake by being called to the "big boy's club." So what gives? Why has Joan been silent this entire time?

Joan doesn't seem to be the type to remain quiet. He seems the type to be that idiot that forgets time and place -shoving his foot down his throat. I don't know, perhaps I'm filling in the blanks.

"Stupid! You can't just hit him, what do you think you are doing!? He didn't do anything to us, we'd be in the wrong if you hit him. Shiki you freaking idiot!" Shouted the familiar voice


Break up the dialogue, I have no idea how this is being delivered.

"Stupid!" She spat, shoving her brother: "You can't [i]just hit him." Those icy blue eyes appraised him. Her lips pursed. "What were you thinking?" Pretty's forehead wrinkled as she snarled, "He didn't do anything to us! We would be in the wrong," She jabbed him, emphasizing; "if you had hit him." Releasing a frustrated cry, "Shiki, you're such a freaking idiot!"[/i]

Have the characters interact with the protagonist, his staring couldn't have gone unnoticed. Why isn't she glaring at him asking him: "What are you looking at?" I know when I'm heated, it takes me a few moments to cool off, "I'm sorry." I could see her apologizing on her brother's behalf as well as her own behavior.

The explanation of the tattoo and the potion seems is too much exposition -telling and no showing.

I can't comment on the rest of this piece seeing how I haven't read the previous chapters.

Hahaha!

Joan said cheerfully as he grabbed my wrist and practically dragged me out the door and back into the hallway.


Yup, he's that guy. I love it when I get it right.

I recommend that you break up the dialogue. In general, take your time with description -insert unique commentary from the narrator. It'll give us more insight to their personality. Other than that, keep on writing. Peace.




AyameAya says...


Haha! This made me giggle a lot xD Thanks for the review :'D I see your points and I will go over this chapter and the other two to change a few things. Thanks again! ^w^



reason says...


You're welcome, mate. I'm glad that I could help. Good luck and all that jazz.



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Sun Jan 13, 2013 4:12 am
Kale wrote a review...



Hello there, AyameAya. Since this chapter of yours has no reviews, I'm here to put an end to this sorry state of review-less-ness. Fair warning though: I haven't read the first chapter, so if something I mention in this review was already addressed in the previous chapter, feel free to ignore it.

I waited excitedly outside the official headquarters of the one and only alchemy guild in the city of Elfier, the city that I live in.

One of the first things I noticed was this sentence, and not in the good way. There are several different ways to approach inserting information into a story, and this sentence shows one of the not-so-good approaches. I'm quoting this sentence in particular because it's a good example of some of the issues with your descriptions throughout this chapter.

The first issue is redundancy. It's not so bad in this sentence, but a number of your other sentences are quite redundant, which bloats the word count and makes for less interesting reading. In this sentence, you have "one and only", however, "only" means that there is just one alchemy guild in the entire area, which makes the "one" redundant. It's not so bad in this case because "one and only" is commonly used to emphasize just how special something is for being the only one of its kind, but there are other case, such as "went past me with only a passing glance" where you have two different forms of "pass" so close to each other that it's noticeable and distracts from the story.

The second issue has more to do with how you group similar ideas within a sentence, and this sometimes adds to the redundancy. For example, instead of writing "the city of Elfier, the city that I live in", you could have written "my home city of Elfier", which gets the same information across in much smaller space and without the redundancy of repeating "the city".

The better you group together your ideas, not just on a by-sentence scale, but also on by-paragraph and by-chapter scales, the easier your story will be to follow since all the information and actions and descriptions will be grouped together in ways that make sense without the need for a lot of repeated words.

Some ways you can do this is by using more active verbs and more precise language. To use this sentence as an example: "People walking or horse drawn carriages went past me with only a passing glance." You could rewrite it so that it's a bit shorter and less redundant like so: "Pedestrians and horse-drawn carriages passed me with barely a glance." Shorter sentences are easier to read and understand more quickly, so having plenty of shorter sentences around makes your writing easier to read and follow for your readers.

I'm not saying to make all your sentences short though. That would make your writing a bit boring since there wouldn't be much variety. What I am saying is that most of your sentences should not be really long, because long sentences aren't as easy to read and understand as shorter ones. Having a longer sentence mixed in here and there is a good thing, and overall, you already have a pretty decent variety in your sentences. You don't want to lose that.

With that said, you should also proofread your writing more closely before posting. There were a few misspellings and grammar errors that were obvious enough that any decent spelling and grammar checker would pick them up, so if you're not using a checker, I strongly encourage you to start. The fewer spelling or other errors you have, the less distractions your readers have from paying attention to the story.

Overall, be sure to proofread your writing before posting and try to see if you can cut down on as much redundant information and wordage as possible. Both things will really help keep your readers' focus on the story you're telling rather than the technical aspects of your writing.




AyameAya says...


Thank you so much for the helpful review! You made some very good points and I will fix them so that they are better. ^^ I wrote this before I discovered the spell check, so I will definatly go back and proofred this ^^ Thanka again for the help!




Attention is the beginning of devotion.
— Mary Oliver, Upstream