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Young Writers Society



Untitled

by AliceDreams


What do these people become as they grow up? As these flighty, temperamental personalities collide with life. An explosion or a quiet slip into the resigned.

Cassie Blackstill doesn't know. Cassie Black is 59.

These are those young things who lives are lived riding on the envy of the less blessed, whilst they feign indifference. They are what we should be, they live a life we should have. Why do we not live this effortless meander through life? It can be no-ones fault but our own.

They run just a few steps in front of life's path. Dancing, skipping and dodging as it snaps at their heels, the mainstream masses striving for their forwardness. But. They may run from this 'conformity'. They may escape the callous mediocrity we must suffer. But. They cannot escape the inevitabilities of the world. No amount of daring or style can trick or fool or undermine or charm the subtle monster we call 'life'. They too will grow old; eventually, they too will die - their death every bit as equal and utterly insignificant as ours. And this is where life can catch up with them:

Joints begin to click. Stitches form. Waistlines bulge. Coughing. Heartburn. Heartbreak. For some it comes later than others. But it comes all the same. And slowly but surely they start to lose that gain on life. They struggle, yes, sometimes even claim back that extra step or two, but eventually they are dragged back into that raving, raging, drooling pack that they have taunted for so many years. They belong here now. This pack runs at a speed they can handle, there is a sense of inclusion in the fierce fight for individuality.

The years pass and some slip further back. Others soldier on, panting, groaning, weeping. They must not collapse. Their sole purpose in life is to lead it; they must again reach the front. But now there is a new them. They are the 'Reborns', just as their predecessors were, they are part of the endless loop. Their now married, working, middle-aged forefathers watch as the new era sprints past. They admire their athleticism, their tautness and energy, the grace and ease with which they brush through the pack. They had that once. Maybe they still have it? Surely? No.

This is the final signal. Their trends and styles that defined their time in front of the pack are scoffed at. Ripped apart. Forgotten. Resurrected. Adored. Ironic. Scoffed at. Then swallowed up by the pack. Adored. Adored. Lost.

Cassie Black remembers the first time she wore a velour track suit. Back then she wasn't called Cassie Black. If she's honest, she can't quite remember what she was called. Maybe the name changed. Everything changed. The name is immaterial. Delilah. That was one, she's sure. Or Dixie. She decides on Delilah. It rolls off the tongue easier. She's always liked names like that.

Wren. There was a Wren at the party she wore the track suit to. Electric blue hair. Anime eyes. 6" 2.

The track suit bottoms were pink, the word 'Nice' was splashed across the back. Dimantes. Nice touch she thought. Very Ninties-esque. She didn't wear the matching top of course. There was a limit to these things, a thin line between ironic and desperate. You had to be in the know. That's how you stayed ahead.

She'd picked the ensemble up in a charity shop in Notting Hill. Not the cool bit - she found it tried too hard - but the bit as the final corners stretch to meet the Westway. Probably more Shepard's Bush if she thinks about it. It lay under a size 22 'best fit' trouser suit and a mottled bikini too skimpy for a nudist's beach. You had to suffer for your cool.

'£2.49'. It's duo of integral pieces held together by a cheap plastic tag.

'Fuck it.' she thought, 'Its absolutely fucking disgusting.'

She took it up to the till.

The top is in a bin somewhere on the Jubilee line. Dimantes and all.

She remembers the conversation she had at the till:

"So, that'll be £2.49 then."

"I'll give you £1.50."

Her voice felt warm and soothing next to a harsh London voice. She knew she was in control.

"Who the hell do you think you are?"

She gave 'that' sigh. "Fine then." She slammed the money down - how much exactly she doesn't know, and stormed out.

"Children are dying in Africa you know!" The cry is cut out by the door swinging shut, ending the reproach and the inevitable expletive that came after it.

This is the life of a bargain hunter.

Later she shows it to her friends. They emit shrieks of disbelief and despair as she shakes it from its bag, untangling themselves from whatever position of recline they were in to rush and grab and stroke and admire. It's new; it's different. They're new; they're different.

She wears it later. To a party. She wears it with white platform flats and a little lace crop top. Why does she remember this and not her own name? As she crashes back to her flat sometime the next morning she's wearing a leather coat over it too. Not hers, she's sure. Maybe it's the guy standing by her side, helping her up the stairs, both of them giggling like school children. She doesn't know his name. But she's already worked out names don't matter.

She'll probably never see him again.

She probably will.

It's a small world.

Downstairs she hears the kettle boil. She hates tea. She sits up, out of the bedroom. Into the hallway. Not slowly, but with no enthusiasm. She glances at herself in the mirror as she passes. She knows that if this were the narrative of her life, this is where the description would jump in. Describe what the years have done to her. Describe how the youthful joy is drip-dripping away. She wonders whether this is the case, but the kettle is making its last pitiful puffs, so she decides it can wait.

Now she's thought about it, the mirror is taunting her. She's always liked the idea she could be a character. Not any of that 'one actor on the stage that is the world' bullshit, but a proper character, her life would be the story. Just her.

It's four hours later. The mirror was good to her. She's still got it, whatever it may be. Well, for a woman her age of course. She sees no use being modest, when there are really no grounds on which to be modest upon.

She doesn't like her hair though. It's just a little lank and just a little dull from countless dyes. Blue. Purple. Orange. You name it, she had it. But she doesn't anymore. Despite this, there are no traces of grey, not even hiding in the roots. She's checked.

She takes this as a sign that she's winning - at what, she's not quite sure, but at something, surely.
It's 12:45 and the cup of tea sits stone cold, untouched. She empties it into the sink. It gives such a satisfying 'splat' as it meets the steel of the sink. It's over so quickly. She feels like this is a moment she should feel philosophical about. Maybe the tea represents human life? So promising at first, warm, inviting. Then it cools, becoming hard and cold and solid and all those other things tea shouldn't be. Finally it's emptied, in one swift moment, into the sink. It's gone, forgotten in all of ten seconds.
If its lucky, it might have left a ring on the wooden table.
But then again, it's just a cup of tea.


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Sun Jan 20, 2013 8:13 pm
DevanEWilliams wrote a review...



Hello there!

I have to apologize for making you wait so long! I've had quite a lot of stuff going on lately. I actually did read the story a while back, but I've just read it through to refresh my memory.

[strike]I'll start out with general critiques, and then go into nitpicks, and then finally overall opinions.[/strike] I'm just gonna give you my opinions in a rather disorganized fashion because I can't find enough nitpicks xD

First, your concept of time confuses me quite a bit. It's difficult to tell when things are happening, especially in the beginning, when it starts out with general observations and no concrete action begins right at the beginning. If you begin, after introducing Cassie, by giving us a specific action that Cassie is doing, it will allow the reader to better situate the whole story onto a timeline.

Another reason this may be confusing is because your tense changes a couple times. Watch out for that. I'd point it out but it's not very frequent, and pretty easy to find, I think.

They run just a few steps in front of life's path. Dancing, skipping and dodging as it snaps at their heels, the mainstream masses striving for their forwardness. But. They may run from this 'conformity'. They may escape the callous mediocrity we must suffer. But. They cannot escape the inevitabilities of the world. No amount of daring or style can trick or fool or undermine or charm the subtle monster we call 'life'. They too will grow old; eventually, they too will die - their death every bit as equal and utterly insignificant as ours. And this is where life can catch up with them:


This is where I began to wonder...so, what's happening? Try to insert a bit of action to keep the story moving forward. It's okay to linger on these ideas and bring them out, but it's not good if you keep the reader wondering when something is actually going to happen.

I don't understand what the track suit/party thing was all about. If you're using this to compare her past self with her present self, then you need to spend a little more time focused on her present self. For example, what is she wearing now? What does she look like? What's her living situation like? I don't know if I ever really got an idea of that.

Other than what I said, I think that your descriptions are spot-on and very vivid, so good job there!

About your characterization: I think it could be better. I don't get too much of an idea of Cassie's (current) personality, because it's mostly focused on the past. Again, with the last issue that I had, it can be easily fixed with more details.

Overall, I think this is a very interesting piece that gives great imagery and a bunch of stuff to think about.

Keep writing! ^-^

~Devan






awh, Devan fails at code things. :(



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Wed Jan 09, 2013 9:03 pm
kayfortnight wrote a review...



Now, this isn't the type of story I normally read, but I'll give it a try.
Nice. The description of your character physically gives insight into her mindset. So does what she thinks about the tea. She's an interesting character.
However, nothing actually seems to be happening in your story yet. She sat around, looking at a cup of tea, and didn't do anything except reminisce in her thoughts. Just a suggestion, add a little dialogue or movement to liven things up.
I wasn't really hooked. The story didn't make me want to continue reading, possibly partly because of the static descriptions. There also doesn't seem to be any conflict. Why doesn't one of those shrieking friends come over and argue with her about something? There's only a little emotional conflict. It also seems impossible to determine the setting of the story. Again, there was absolutely no dialogue.
Let me repeat though, that your character was very interesting and with some revising, this will be a wonderful work. Is it a short story or a novel chapter?




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Mon Jan 07, 2013 11:04 pm
megsug wrote a review...



Hey Alice!
I want to apologize for the long wait. I have been really busy. I am finally here to review.
First, I want to say that, like Becki, I am quite jealous.
Second, I also like your first paragraphs. I found the imagery there very nice.

What do these people become as they grow up?

It sounds like you're talking about people in general. The 'these' confuses the reader a bit because it then it sounds like you're talking about a group of people. If you are actually talking about a group of people, I missed that one. You might want to give 'these people' a name.
I think the main reason it confuses me is because you talk of two 'these people's. It would be fixed if you got rid of these, I think.

in front of the pack are scoffed at. Ripped apart. Forgotten. Resurrected. Adored. Ironic. Scoffed at.

That's repeated. Not sure if it's on purpose or not, but if it is, I don't think it's working for you. It's kind of weird and doesn't make an impact that's worth it.

Wren. There was a Wren at the party she wore the track suit too. Electric blue hair. Anime eyes. 6' 2.

This could be a cultural difference, but I have no idea what a Wren is. I know that a Wren is a bird, but as far as I know, they don't wear track suits. I tried looking it up, but I couldn't find anything.

The track suit bottoms were pink, the word 'Nice' was splashed across the back. Dimantes. Nice touch she thought. Very Ninties-esque. She didn't wear the matching top of course. There was a limit to these things, a thin line between ironic and desperate. You had to be in the know. That's how you stayed ahead.

She'd picked the ensemble up in a charity shop in Notting Hill.[/qutoe]
I feel like I've missed something because no one else has mentioned it, but I'm wondering who's track suit this is. Later on, it's more obvious that it's Cassie, but this uncertainty here has made me uncertain for the rest of the piece. Just make it obvious for the reader.

It's a small world.

At the end of the flashback of sorts, I think it might be good to put the whole thing into italics, just to make the reading easier.

If its lucky, it might have left a ring on the wooden table.

But then again, it's just a cup of tea.

Ah, very nice ending.

Alright. That's all I got. I think this is quite wonderful stand alone. You are one of those people that understands that the beauty of the words are as important as the plot. I understand you have more. Keep me updated.
Megsug




AliceDreams says...


Thanks for taking the time to reply! Sorry about my awful grammar and spelling - the scoffed thing was a mistake, thanks for pointing it out. Wren's a name, but quite a hipster name - I hadn't heard of it before I started to research but I quite liked it. Thanks for the compliments too!



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Mon Jan 07, 2013 10:18 pm
Shearwater wrote a review...



Hi Alice!

I’m here to review this for you.
Like Beck, I found myself enjoying this and I totes agree that it’s unfair you can write so well at this age. I’m a bit jealous. Onwards!

Writing:
Like I said, your writing is pretty wonderful and it’s characteristic. I was able to follow the story quite easily and it read smoothly despite some of the snipped sentences.

I liked your introduction to the piece, you immediately laid out what the point of the story was and what the reader should be looking for – what lesson you have in store. I understand that some readers thought you were being vague and not descriptive but I think it’s because you’re not really ‘telling’ us what it is about and instead giving the readers hints and forcing them to really look between the lines of words and the scenes. You make the readers work to understand and I really like that about your writing. Keep it up!

If I’m going to mention anything you need to improve on with your writing it would be take a second to slow down. Ironic, I know, because the readers said it was already slow but I thought you were going fast. I thought you were speeding. For example, when the protagonist is flashbacking to the time when she brought the tracksuit (Which I think it also funny because you mentioned running forward, staying ahead) it seemed like an import memory so maybe we could’ve used some more details, more emotion maybe? Because this is important to her, that's why she has this memory.

Characters:
I already like your character. She’s unconventional of a sort and her voice keeps me reading. There isn’t an overbearing personality to her and yet, you give us a hint of what she’s like with little actions such as bartering and wondering if the coffee left a stain on the table. Oh, it’s so good! I like it, I really do. I see what you did there. :3

Since this is a short chapter, there isn’t too much I can say about her. You do a great job at getting the foundation of her personality and her dilemma down in words so we’re introduced to her struggle right off the bat instead of waiting around to see what’s causing her to hate the world or life. I say hate but it’s still a strong word, perhaps dislike is more fitting?

Although, she is 59 now and I’m wondering exactly why she’s so bitter if she knows that she can’t keep up with the ‘youth’. That it’s inevitable. I can understand some of it but there’s this border that we’ve yet to cross and I think you’ll give us more in the other chapters.

Story:
The story itself is original and I like it. Have I said that enough times? Anyway, I’m enjoying it respectfully. I’ve thought about this topic on many occasions as well. What it would be like to be old and behind in life. How I would keep up, if I could keep up, and how my emotions would change? When you’re young, the world is your oyster and when you’re old, I’m not sure what it is but you lose something but at the same time, I try to think that we also gain something. Whether it be wisdom or knowledge, or even a story.

I’m on to the next part.

-S




AliceDreams says...


Thanks for such a lovely review! I'm so glad you liked it :D



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Fri Jan 04, 2013 9:29 pm
beckiw wrote a review...



Hey Alice!

Just stopped by to have a look at your story. Hope you're off enjoying the site :)

Firstly, I quite enjoyed this. It's completely not fair that you're 14 and can write like this. When I was 14 I was writing horrific teen romance stories!

I'm going to disagree with the two reviews below me and say that whilst I did enjoy this, I think it works as a contained piece. I don't think it needs any more action going on and I didn't feel it was slow. I think a middle-aged woman reflecting on her life lends itself to this kind of pace and I really enjoyed the ending tea moment and the last line.

The only place where I got a little confused was about the track suit bottoms. I couldn't figure out whether Cassie was buying them to feel young again because that's what the young kids wear now...or whether she was buying them because they reminded her of her youth. So I think you need to clear that up a little. Whether she is just being nostalgic or whether she is trying to recapture her youth, or indeed both.

Other than that...keep on writing :) I look forward to seeing more of your work.

PM me if you have any questions.

Bex

x




AliceDreams says...


Aw thanks for the review! Youre very kind, I'll have to check out your writing in a bit. The track suit thing was intended as a flashback but I'll have a look and try and make it a bit more clear :) x



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Fri Jan 04, 2013 6:53 pm
JohnLocke1 wrote a review...



Your beginning paragraphs were extremely beautiful and poetic. I felt the memories and reflections that were passing through Cassie's mind as she thought back on her life. I agree with Vapor, though. I was very slow and contained little detail to the overall plot. You absolutely must give the reader something to make them want to keep reading. Your words were amazing, but that will not always tide temperamental readers over. You could have left some of that information out and it would not have been detrimental to your story as a whole.

I feel like you could have added more plot detail into this short insight into Cassie's life, especially if you plan on turning this into a larger novel. It was lacking in action and too slow in pace. However, I am very interested in hearing more about Cassie. Keep me posted. Happy Writing!




AliceDreams says...


Thanks for reviewing! I am aware that the first bit probably lasts too long, but this is only the first bit of what will hopefully be a longer story, and I thought I'd post it in smaller installments - so this one might be a bit description heavy -sorry! I hope you'll keep reading and enjoy it later on.



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Fri Jan 04, 2013 2:32 pm
Vapor wrote a review...



The deepth of this work is amazing. I love it. I also enjoy how it's so simple at the same time; just an aging women reflecting on life, or seemingly so. At first I thought it was a little slow. The paragraphs depicting the temperments and lifestyles of younger people--while they're very thought provoking and well done--I think could stand to be trimmed a bit.

I think the character of Cassie Black/Delilah is very interesting, and I want to know more about her life. This is a great teaser chapter. Normally it would turn someone like me, who doesn't like to read about older characters, off, but Cassie's insights and reflections are sharp and richly thought, which make me favor her over the typical teen protagonist. And you give the reader's a sense that Cassie really has lead this adventurous life up to this point,and she's not done with it yet; even with a scene so practical as shopping in a thrift store, you give reader's the sense that this character is one who know's how to take life's reins and manipulate it for herself.

I could be reading too much into it, but I really enjoyed this. Please keep updating. : )





Poetry comes alive to me through recitation.
— Natalie Merchant