Young Writers Society

Yo Jack,

I'm just gonna dive right into this, so!

we teem with disability

There is something disconcerting to me about the combination of words "stars", "teem", and "disability"

It's not that it doesn't make sense, it's that each word carries with it a weight - connotations, histories, and I just find this poem is bogged by the weight of too many words. Stars are so wonderfully versatile, so I'm okay with your usage of them here - and how we're "forged" from them, I get the sense that some Great Blacksmith made me out of iron stars and I'm totally gonna be forged into an axe. yeaaaaah booooii..

Ok, so you have me going there - now "teem" is such a vivid verb - usually I think of a ..Idunno a koi pond teeming with fish and lushness. Basically, I know what you're trying to say - that we're forged of stars and filled with something - but the connotation is generally used with like, wildlife and it's used in a positive sense. And then I get to disability - and I think of a cripple and it's just all over the place. Plus - the connotation with the word disability is negative! So you have a positive verb and a negative noun and it's like, okay, so what kind of tone are you going for here?

Now. Connotations are a subjective thing, and this is my own experience of that line - I get that. I am all for the experimentation or new usage of words, just that it plays at a double-edge sword, because I'm too focused on the words on the page rather than ...well the experience, the expression. That's because the details are so heavy and vivid/unusual. Sometimes saying it straight up is the way to go, yo.

The rest of the poem reads a bit better.


Basically, I get the sense that whatever imperfections we have, it's minute in the expansiveness of the world and the universe. It's a neat idea - and you do a kinda cool thing where you almost pan out and zoom, zoom, zoom like you're adjusting a microscope -- maybe your varied and eclectic word choice then, was intentional?

Eh. Maybe. In any case, I hope this review helps in some way/makes sense. I've enjoyed reading and delving into your pieces and seeing you around for workshop, and I really, really, really hope you stick around :3 pweety pwease?



~ as always, Audy

Jack, you get my first review of the new year! I spent about six reads through this trying to find something to pick at, and there's a particular disconnect that I want to call a personal preference matter; however, it's still a critique, and that's...well, what I'm here for.

That particular distaste is the detachment of voice between your phrases of

let us define perfection

let us refine perfection

and the remainder of the piece, which takes on a smoother, more fluid flow that you don't find in the high-syntax imperative statements. Does that make sense? Essentially, I think you'd be much better off without these two particular imperatives. The other -
[quote]and stop before you microscope too far[/i]
- is beautiful where it is, so there's no matter there. And that makes my critique feel too much of a personal taste than a legitimate worry. So that's where that stands.

The remainder is quite lovely. Your flow, syntax - it's all in the comforting lyrical zone. Nothing particularly pushes in a new angle, but rather mixes old things very well. That's something I like very much about the majority of your work in the poetry section. All-in-all, great work. That, and I'm displeased that I have this little to say. You've broken me, Jack.