Young Writers Society

Jack,

Heh. Heh.

Heh.

I see whut you did thurr. Clever beast. The poem is well planned out ideally, and I think it can work wonderfully - but the execution ultimately fails?

As I was reading your first and second stanzas, I just wanted to eat them and be like whut are you doing? Considering I had read two poems of yours already, and you get to this one, and you could hardly take it seriously with all the rhymes. I guess the gimmick of the pomp, the whistles, and the silverbells was the point all along, though, and thus the vomiting reactions to it was the reaction you intended for it.

ooo, you tricky beast. Always playing with them words, yo.

I do think the second shift of the poem needs to be...how do I say it? Make it read more raw, and more real? I want for this part to be gritty and vulnerable, and I see that you switch up your breaks without actually getting rid of the rhymes, but that's what I want! I want to see the rhymes gone completely, or else, what would be the point of this piece? What would be the point of the first two stanzas and the switch?

I thought to myself, it's past time to stop
the clock. Break the structures we have clung
to. Begin to confess: "Dear father, forgive me.
I am a secret sinner. I've whispered my prayers
I've hid in the pews.

I really liked the rhythm, especially that of these few lines;

"I've hid in the pews.
I've broken His bread and I've sipped on His booze."

-

"You shook the priest's hand and I shook with fury
when you added, at the end, "the power and the glory."

This feels too short for a review, but I'm new with not much to say.

Beautiful poem. I loved the way you spin, both me and the poem around.
I found the last line particularly breath taking; maybe it's because I'm a sucker for Poems with religious aspects, because I feel It's extremely hard to balance reverence and skepticism. I think you carried it off wonderfully. The poem made me feel like snuggling up to a fire and watching the raindrops fall in the cold, wet English weather.
Sorry for rambling, but t'is not often we find poems we truly connect with, and I really feel this poem.
You make me Jealous, and I sincerely wish that one day, other poets (such as myself) will half as good as you can today.

Hi Jack!

So this poem had a lot of words! Some so-so words and some good words.

Perpetuate...that was a good word. I liked that one. There were some more words as well that I quite liked.

However, I had this feeling like your rhymes were being held at gun point. That they were being held for ransom and the pay off was some very unnatural rhymes. Next time I think you might find some tea and biscuits will help your rhymes be more cooperative. Violence is never the answer. You'll end up scaring all the good words away.

After reading between the lines I sense something to do with religion. You can't slip this sort of stuff past me!

I think you have here a rather poetic poem with hidden depths. With peaks and troughs and little valleys with sheep and a waterfall.

Keep writing and keep using them words!

Bex x

I like this poem! I don't understand what you mean by " you bribed me with a pint in the pub afterward/ you shook the priest's hand and I shook with fury". Besides that, I like this. I like the third stanza the most: Dear father, forgive me/ I am a secret sinner. Keep writing!

I thought I would return the earlier review, though, admittedly, mine might be a little less critical. I found I rather enjoyed this, mostly for the fluctuating structure.

At first glance, I was a bit miffed by some of the less poignant dialogue sections, as you sort of flip-flopped between this well-spoken narrative and this jagged spotty diction which, when paired with the rhythmic scheme, sort of took away from the overall flow. For instance;

through the naves, past the graves, into the unknown.
You said, "The service itself was a bit overblown,
the bells and the incense should be left well alone."

I thought to myself, it's past time to stop
the clock. Break the structures we have clung
to.

Hi Jack! Here is my review for you to review!

So first things first, I did actually get a feel for this poem which is a rare thing to happen to me, usually I have no clue what the poet was talking about. But this actually really resonated with me by the end. I really liked the every day details of a funeral, of graves and rain and the pint afterwards. It made the poem a lot more human and a lot more personal.

except to perpetuate the pomp and the circumstance."

the clock. Break the structures we have clung
to. Begin to confess: "Dear father, forgive me.

I've broken His bread and I've sipped on His booze."

You shook the priest's hand and I shook with fury
when you added, at the end, "the power and the glory."

It was wrong to imagine, as I shivered near the fireplace,
of smashing my pint glass in one of your faces.