When the needle was made, I was just one of many experiments that were tested with it, the superhuman needle. I didn’t even have a name, just a two digit number. I was test subject 21, female, supposedly they told me I had just turned seventeen, another number. The men and woman in white coats adored me; apparently the needle had worked on my body.
After my twelfth meal in the dreaded place, I finally moved off the brick mattress bed, noticing the strength in my legs as well as the bandage on my arm from the needle. My legs were stronger than even a loin, or so they told me. I tested; I kicked the stone wall, a large circular dent where my foot hit it. I could escape whenever I wanted too, but I wouldn’t be so sure, this place was bound to have keepers. Keepers were the guards that govern secret places, preventing entry or exit. They were trained to kill anyone who disobeys them, but then, the needle trained me to kill. Kill was a word I used to shudder at when I was sixteen. Ha. No more was I the cowardly blonde girl, now I was so much more.
“Why are you so happy?” a small voice asked, causing me to spin around.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
138,653 Literary Works • 672,189 Reviews
spell out twenty-one. how can they "supposedly" tell her something? either they did or they didn't. if you mean you were suspicious about whether they were telling the truth about your age, you'd say, "I had supposedly just turned seventeen, another number, according to what they told me" or something like that. I REALLY LIKE the "another number" addition, though. it gives me a real insight into this voice's mind, and i appreciate it so much.
now, what do you mean by twelfth meal? when does she eat? every day? once or more? this doesn't give us a good sense of how much time's passed when we don't know how often the meals come. once every two days means 24 days there, but twice a day means 6 days.
My legs were stronger than a lion's is what I think you meant to write.
this is attaching a fragment to a sentence, and it doesn't work. you have to give another verb, like this: "i kicked the stone wall, leaving a large circular dent..."
*to , first of all, and second, what is this? she contradicts herself in the following sentence. did someone TELL her that she could escape whenever she wanted to, and she doubts them? otherwise, tell us her thought pattern more clearly than this.
furthermore, how does she know this about keepers? why would she not know to call the men and women in white coats DOCTORS, but she knows that in secret places there are keepers? some incongruencies here, my friend. anyway.
nice cliffhanger ending, i guess, but please keep it going. you've left it at a high point and it would be a shame to not continue.
push.
good luck.
let me know if you have any questions.
Hey, Brokenmemo! Welcome to YWS!
I'm sure that all of us who have read this would have been intrigued to see so much more! This is such a precious story idea that it would be truly great if you experimented with it and made it longer, instead of leaving it like this, like a short writing exercise. But this is a good way to keep the idea in your mind and in paper so you won't forget it!
What a cool idea you have here! Why so short though?
Here, I'd recommend making two sentences out of this. End the first sentence after "female", and take out either "supposedly" or "they told me", because they practically mean the same things.
"Too" should be "to"
It's a bit difficult to get much out of this at the moment since it's so short, so I'd definitely recommend expanding this. I think your great idea deserves it!
Demeter
x
Hi brokenmemo,
I love your main character's tone, but I wish you'd describe a little more about how the protagonist reacts to these tests and the new power she receives.
I have to agree in that this is a really cool idea, but I hate to say that the whole "kept in a laboratory by evil men and women in white coats" addition is a little cliche. There's nothing wrong with being a little cliche, but if you're itching to be different then maybe think of changing the way the protagonist encounters the needle. Perhaps she is chosen out of thousands of possible test subjects, or she is kidnapped by a revolution group against an oppressive government as a warrior.
What you have so far is great though
Good job and keep working on it!
Hey there, brokenmemo,
I have to say, I'm hooked by this idea. The idea of a 'superhuman needle' sounds like a fun one to play with - especially from the point of view of one whose life was changed by it. There are quite a few things I'd be interested to find out about your heroine as this story goes on - does she remember life before the needle? Did she volunteer to be a test subject, or was she forced there? How does she feel about the scientists - does she forgive them, or want to destroy them? I can see a whole lot of potential plot and character development in this scenario - so I'd be interested to see how it plays out, if you're planning to continue it!
In terms of areas for improvement, I think the big one is pacing. Your first three sentences feel quite good as an opening, introducing us to where we stand, but then in the rest of the story, you carry on telling the reader things at that pace - 'this is a thing, and this is a thing, and I did this and this and this'. While sometimes it's good to skip over detail in favour of letting the reader know what's going on, I think that this piece could benefit from lingering a little longer on things. Introduce us to the feel of the matress, the smell of the cell. Does it hurt when she dents the wall? If not, is she surprised by that? And what does it feel like instead? Does her arm still hurt from the needle? Every time you're tempted to say something in one quick sentence, think about it a little longer, and think about all five senses, and see if there's an interesting way for you to slow it down a bit. Describing things to the reader, rather than just saying what happens, means that the reader can immerse themselves in the story much more easily.
This is a very short piece, so I don't think I have a lot more to say; I'll leave it there. I hope this helps - please feel free to message me if you have any questions, or if you'd like me to go through and check the spelling and grammar. Happy writing!
Cadi x