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Young Writers Society



Rovaalian. Prologue: the beginning.

by methrirr123


He wasn't always Rovaalian Suraad. He was born by the name Willum Horggenburgh Junior, a happy little baby with brown eyes that darted back and forth, absorbing images voraciously, and who's pitch black hair, left untended, fell carelessly and straight over his pudgy newborn face. His hands reached out to grasp items near him, gripping hard on the fingers of unwary passers by. By those who saw him he was deemed 'adorable.' His parents, Willum Senior and Vanessa, loved him very much, showering him with attention and praise. He would scream uninteligible garble, and in would come running both parents, each holding a wooden or cloth doll, which he promptly rejected in favor of being fed. He was, by all means possible, destined to be a spoiled little brat. So spoiled was he that he was given a seat upon the table at the age of two months. He would sit with his mother while she ate and spoke soothing words, as he suckled the milk from her teat. It was about this time that Willum Horggenburg Junior died, to be replaced by Rovaalian. It began one summer night, at the age of two and a half moths old...

He lay wide awake in his crib, listening to the sounds of the night. The frogs croaked a symphony of deep, crude grunts, some near, and some far. The insects buzzed noisily in the pastures of wheat where the shuffles of hares and foxes could be heard running through the grain. The night guard could be heard ouside, conversing softly with eachother about bandits, their torches casting daunting shapes on the walls and cieling of young Willum Junior's room. There were always newsounds, new sights, new feelings... and this child absorbed it all, associating sound with sight with smell, so that he knew when sometning was to come. But tonight there were many new sounds, shouts, screams, and a crashing noise; the sound of broken glass. And a cracking, an ungodly cracking and snapping, so loud and constant, it was like a roar over the sound of fighting. The ring of steel on steel could be heard, and the thud of bodies laid low by a sword to sleep forever. And the light, growing slowly brighter, casting the sillouettes of men wielding spears, crossbows, swords and shields, fighting and dying for Willum knew not what. Willum did not yet know of the foolish lust of men for gold and power. And the smoke, how it stung his eyes so that he cried, and burned his throat and nose. He coughed and wheezed, filling the cracks between coughs with piercing shrieks. The room was ablaze, the table in the corner and the wall with it turning slowly to fire as the temperature rose uncomfortable. Willum Senior burst through the door, and scooped up the child. He ran through the back door and roughly handed the baby to a strange old man, who took him to a cart filled with fleeing women and children. The cart raced away, bumping and banging accross the dirt road to nowhere. In the distance, Willum Senior could be seen, his hands clutching a spear that had been rammed through his stomach. His body burned with the entire village, a smoking ruin.

The next day, all was silent but for the heavy footfals of the horse that bore the cart, which rattled and bumped slowly on the road. Nobody spoke, their eyes downcast and grim. Not even youngWillum, who understood nothing, uttered a noise, for he was asleep. Then there was an earsplitting scream that made everyone jump. Willum awoke and tried to place the scream to his short memory, but he couldn't. He cried loudly. The woman that held him for comfort got out and went to the driver. The scream wasn't human. It was from the horse.

"What is it? What's happened?" she said, failing to mask the alarm in her voice.

"Old Honey here stepped in a hole."sighedthe driver,a grim shadow under his downcast eyes.

"How could she have... Wait. Look!" she said, pointing to the road. There were holes everywhere. They were unavoidable, straight down holes that had straight edges. They were ideal for breaking the legs of horses. "What is this?"

"A trap. Sombody--" he started, but he was cut off when a bolt from a crossbow struck him in the heart. He fell to the ground, and the woman was so startled that she dropped the child on the ground. The horse struggled and squirmed, knocking the quiver of arrows that was in the drivers seat all over Willum, who lay screaming in pain on the ground, now coated in arrows. He flailed around helplessly, shoving arrows off of him. One of the arrows snapped as a person ran past, crushed underfoot. A shard of it landed on Willum Junior, and he grasped it in the hopes that it would comfort him. Blood stained the ground under the driver, and the woman lay dead with a bolt in her own neck a few feet away. Then many men, armed to the teeth with steel knives, daggers, shortswords, longswords, axes and spears, and strange curvy knives, emerged from the brush and attacked the cart. It was a massacre, no woman or child left alive, except for poor Willum, who still cried in the dust, still clutching his broken arrow.

A man with greasy black hair and piercing blue eyes, alive with a mad glint that glistened like blood, leaned low and close to the baby's face. "Why do you cry, child? You aren't dead! Not yet!" he laughed, and Willum cried louder, and flailed with his arrow, cutting the tip of the strange man's nose. "Oi!" he said, touching thecut on his nose. He roughly snatched up the arrow and said "You, young boy," and he picked up the baby and cut off it's shirt. "You will be mine. I will teach you to be a killer, so that you will have the same blood on your hands that I've got on mine. This is your fate, one worse then the death I would have so mercifully dealt you. And..." he added, "You will bear my name: You will be the new Rovaalian Suraad!" and he put the arrow to the childs back untill it drew blood, and carved out the words: Rovaalian Suraad. And he bore the scar for his whole life. Heis now 10 years old. So begins his tale...

Chapter two, coming soon!


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Sat Mar 16, 2013 11:29 am
Caesar wrote a review...



Hey meth!

I haven't reviewed this novel of yours, so let's do that!

I see all the other reviewers have focused a lot on the grammar, especially Shady down there, thus, I won't say much about it. I would like to mention you use the past participle entirely wrong throughout the entire chapter, or at least, the flashback scene. By which I mean, you don't use it. You should.

So, let's get down to business.

Oh look, a spoiled baby. We don't really give a damn, or at least, I don't. I don't care about some spoiled brat who dies (or so I am led to believe by the first few sentences). I want to know the events that lead to his death. Cut the introductory paragraph, it's useless, skip straight to the fire. That works far better. You have some good description there, put it to good use.

Now, this attack. Why does it happen? I'd very much like to know, and I assume the other reviewers would like to know as well, yes? And yet you don't tell us. How disappointing. I would have enjoyed at least some hint or indication.

Incidentally, you can survive after a spear is shoved through your stomach. You could also die. In this case, the man died. But I'm just telling you this for future reference.

Now, one thing. You evidently don't know what an arrow is.

(...)and he put the arrow to the childs back untill it drew blood, and carved out the words


yeah no. Arrow tips, especially in medieval times (I can't pin-point the exact date) weren't attached to the shaft very solidly. Thus, when they hit something, they lodge and break, causing massive bleeding. Also, infection. They were stuck in the dirt before firing, especially in war or battle. The best way to treat an arrow wound was to push it through your skin to the other end and pray (or reach a skilled doctor quickly). Furthermore, there are several types of arrow tips, such as blunts, bodkin tips, and broadheads. Broadheads were used for war, and had two to four blades which would cause extreme bleeding and internal trauma. Why am I telling you all this? Because you can't really cut into a two year old's skin with a broadhead, or any other arrow for that matter, and carve a freaking name onto his skin, precisely. He'd probably die of bleeding or infection or something. He certainly wouldn't be able to move for some time, then he'd die of starvation or something. Unless he was picked up, carried and treated by this madman, which I doubt. Even if he did, you don't mention.

In short, it makes no sense. However! Willing Suspension of Disbelief comes to your aid, even if it is ludicrous.

My main issue with this chapter is the weak introduction and bad grammar. You may want to proofread things and such.

Hope this helped
~Ita




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Sun Dec 23, 2012 6:49 pm
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Shady wrote a review...



Hey Rirr!

Here with the review you requested. :)

A quick warning: I only skim-read other reviews, but I noticed that you mentioned that the solely grammatical tendancy of thier review offended you...so I'm going to try to be careful, but...well, my reviews are typically based around grammatical issues...so we'll see. I don't mean to offend you with anything I say. :D

Alright, now for the review:

and who's pitch black hair
~ This contraction means 'who is' not possessive. It should be 'whose'.

and in would come running both parents
~ I do this all the time with my writing-- this would be more clear if you phrased it 'And both parents would come running in'.

The night guard could be heard ouside, conversing softly with eachother about bandits, their torches casting daunting shapes on the walls and cieling of young Willum Junior's room.
~ You need a space between 'each' and 'other' and ceiling is spelled with the 'e' before the 'i'. Also, BTW, I love this sentence and the sentences surrounding it. Very descriptive, which, as I'm not shy to admit, is my absolute favorite thing to read/write. Very good.

"Old Honey here stepped in a hole." sighed the driver, a grim shadow under his downcast eyes.
~ it should either be '...in a holeb],[/b]" sighed the driver...' or '...in a hole." Sighed the driver.."~ Also, not to be overly technical, but...horses aren't very likely to scream because they step in a hole. A rider might scream when thier horse stumbles, but horses rarely scream-- something's got to be seriously wrong. A bear. A panther. A forest fire. Those can make horses scream, but not holes.

Though, I admit, the holey road is very, very bad for the refugees. xD

untill
~ until, one 'l'.

~~~

Wow. This is really good Rirr! I loved your description, and the interesting ways that you chose to write things, like here, specifically... 'and the thud of bodies laid low by a sword to sleep'. Wow. It is such an ominious yet-not-gory way to explain people dying. Very powerful.

I also really like the storyline that you've presented. I typically suffer through prologues so that I can get to the actual story, but 'tis not the case with yours. This prologue that you've written had me interested from the end of the first paragraph. The only over-all complaint that I have is the length of your paragraphs. It would be less...intimidating...I suppose, if you made your paragraphs shorter and more numerous. Just easier to read and keep your place-- especially when you're reviewing, and have too keep scrolling back and forth between this nice little box and the piece you're reviewing.

You also ended it very well. You didn't just leave people hanging with 'what happened to the kid?' which always irritates me, but niether did you give too much information, which would've taken away some of the mysterious charm. It was just perfect the way you did it-- it hooked me right in, and now I want to continue on to Ch. 1.

P.S.
Chapter two, coming soon!
~ You end with this...but isn't this the prologue...which would make the next bit Chapter 1, not Chapter 2?

Keep Writing!

If you need any more help, don't hesitate to ask!

~Shady 8)




methrirr123 says...


BAAAGH I totally thought I fixed it. It was originally chapter one, but I made it a prologue. It annoys me how when you go to edit, it undoes previous editings. I'm not even going to edit again, for fear that something important will dissapear.



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Sun Dec 23, 2012 4:00 am
Kumakani wrote a review...



Hello! I noticed your story while I was surfing through all the other writing pieces, so I thought I could stop by and critique it. :)

DISCLAIMER: Everything I say below is opinion, so you can take it or leave it. Your story is up to you, I'm just offering some feedback. And I'll say in advance that it may get a little rambly, since it's eleven o'clock at night. Hopefully it makes sense. :)

Anyway, moving on with the review.

I did notice a few grammar errors. Now many. The ones I noticed were:

"And a crackling, an ungodly cracking and snapping..."---I would change "crackling" to "cracking." I think the sentence might read better like, "And a cracking, an ungodly cracking."

"casting the sillouettes of men wielding spears, crossbows, swords and shields, fighting and dying for Willum knew not"---"Fighting for WHAT, Willum knew not."

"In the distance, Willum senior"---Capitilize the "s" in "senior", so it stays consistent. You capitilized the other "seniors".

"They were Ideal for breaking the legs of horses."--"Ideal" doesn't need to be capitilized.

"What's happened?" She said"--The "she" shouldn't be capitilized.

That's all I noticed in terms of grammar, so overall, you're fine there! :) Now for the meatier stuff:

You've got a strong start with your opening sentence, which is what pulled me in in the first place. "He wasn't always Rovaalian Suraad." Very intriguing first line.

This is just a personal thing for me, but I would maybe suggest taking out the double "a's" in Rovaalian and Suraad and maybe just have it be "Rovalian Surad." The double a's are a little off-putting. But that's just me.

You paint a very good picture of what Willum/Rovaalian's early life was like, even in just a paragraph. I like that. We get a sense for what his life was like, before he turned into Rovaalian.

The second paragraph is a little clunky, to be honest. Again, it paints a good picture, but I would maybe recommend break it up into two paragraphs or cut a sentence or two, since it sort of looks like a giant, imposing wall of text. But you have some really nice description here and, like I said, really set off the atmosphere for the scene.

The next few paragraphs, with the cart being attacked, seem to happen a bit fast. They're travelling and then all of the sudden, they stop and everyone's being attacked. Of course, this isn't to say, you need to bog down the narrative and drag out the scene, but it does seem to happen very suddenly.

The final paragraph sets the mood for the rest of the story well and it's definitely creepy. But it seems a bit strange that the man would want a two-month-old baby. Of course, this is only the prologue, so we may get more explanation later as to why this man wanted the baby. I just can't quite picture a murderous man taking interest in a baby, so I would maybe suggest aging Willum? Just a few years, but I think it would work a little better.

Overall, you have a good start to your story. A few flaws here and there, but nothing major. I'm interested in the story and I want to see where it goes. Best of luck in your writing. :)




methrirr123 says...


I mean this to no offense to you, but the monumental amount of problems that you found with my writting that didn't really have anything to do with the style as much as grammar made me feel like a kindergartener XD. I fixed it up, and some changes have been made accordingly.



methrirr123 says...


And the purpose of making him so young is to instill that he doesn't even know that he's supposed to be Willum Junior, It allows him to forget everything and live as an apprentice to an evil man, an evil apprentice, without having any morals. You'll have to keep reading to understand my purposes :)



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Sun Dec 23, 2012 3:38 am
Lycando wrote a review...



Hey there methirr!

I really enjoyed this story! It's like being forced to a fate which you can't escape. The child who always had a happy family but one day his world was destroyed. Now this may be a little cliche but it's worth the read.

You were very descriptive in this. I could see how the baby looked clearly and how the guy with the arrow at the end did too. I like the first paragraph very much, with the phrases "darted back and forth" "absorbing images voraciously" "pitch black hair" "pudgy newborn face." Phrases like this show how the baby acted and how he looked. One thing though, would he have that much hair when he was still a newborn child?

"Old Honey here stepped in a hole." said the driver, sounding hopeless."
I don't think sounding hopeless would fit here, sighed would do.

"Oi!" he said, touching the blood on his nose."
I think he would be touching the cut instead of the blood? Just my opinion though.

One thing that I would like to point out are the names Willium Senior and Willium Junior. It's a little confusing when you just use the name Willium. Either use Willium S or Willium J.

"The horse struggled and squirmed, knocking the quiver of arrows that was in the drivers seat all over Willum.....One of the arrows snapped as a person ran past, crushed underfoot. A shard of it landed on Willum Junior"
Didn't you say the Willium Senior died in the fire? So what did you mean when you said when Willium was in the driver's seat? Were there two Williums in this paragraph?

I enjoyed this story and look forward to the next chapter! :)




methrirr123 says...


a hint for the Which Willum problem is that, if the name is used after Willum Senior has been killed, it's probably Willum Junior.



methrirr123 says...


And dear god, Lycando, You must have over nine thousand points at your disposal at this point. Keep up the usefull reviews!




For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.
— Audrey Hepburn