z

Young Writers Society



Into the Depths (1)

by Elinor


It was a miserably hot day, and although only the latest in a long line of many the summer had seen, Madeleine Grey found herself wishing it would be over. And although in a month or so it would cool and rain would be more frequent, the months that ended the year would simply be a milder version of the perpetual summer she had known for two and a half years. She found herself craving snow, brisk cold mornings she would spend horseback riding with Helena, hot cocoa and sitting by the fireplace.

Madeleine sighed, placing her violin on her lap. She'd intended to come to the parlor to get some quiet practice time, but she wasn't feeling in the mood. Instead she got up and parted the blue velvet curtains of the few windows nearest her to let in sunlight. Looking out gave a great view; green grass and lush foliage, the tips of buildings just visible at the base of the hill which her estate rested, the turquoise water and white sands of the Caribbean ocean spreading into the expanse. And while it was beautiful, it somehow always made her feel more isolated then she ever did in England.

She became aware of someone else in the room. She turned and smiled when she saw her sister.

“Hello, Madeleine,” Helena said. “Father told me you were in here. Is everything okay?”

“I'm fine.”

Helena went to her younger sister and stood beside her at the window. “I do wish it wouldn't be so dreadful outside.”

Madeleine nodded. “I was hoping we could go horseback riding this evening when it cools.”

“That sounds like a good idea.” Helena paused, eying the diamond ring that sat her finger. “I know that I am in love with George, but the closer it gets, the more nervous I am. I don't know why. We all must marry sooner or later, but maybe the change is too paramount for me think of right now. I always enjoy our rides. Anything to make me feel at ease.”

“After supper, perhaps? We'll go on the beach trail.”

“That would be lovely.”

Madeleine didn't mention that she didn't know what she do with herself in just two weeks time when her sister married and left her even more alone. Madeleine was seventeen and although her sister was two years older, she yearned for excitement in her dull life. To fall in love, perhaps. But the chance of that happening was miniscule. Helena had gotten lucky. Her father had picked George Harris for her because he was young, handsome, strong, a captain in the navy, and even richer than them. She would have married him even if they hadn't fall in love.

It only seemed natural that her sister would have the best. Not only was she loved by everyone she met, but she was also beautiful. Wavy, long blond hair. Perfect rosy skin. Light blue eyes. Although Madeleine possessed these same features, whenever she was with Helena she never felt as though she could carry herself in the same way, or flatter a dress the way her sister did.

They stood for a movement in silence before Helena turned back to the couch. “Were you going to practice your violin?”

“I don't know.”

“If you do, I can go fetch my sewing and we can relax a while before supper.”

And so they did. Madeleine kept the curtains open to watch the view. It made her feel more at ease watching the stillness of the buildings and the gentle waves of the ocean in the distance. She played a soft tune she had learned with her tutor the week before. Music another thing that she found solace in. It reminded Madeleine of her mother – a kind, gentle, beautiful woman who became deathly ill five summers ago. Her mother had purchased her the violin for her ninth birthday, and she always used to sing and play the harp.

“You play so lovely,” Helena remarked after she finished the song. “I don't know how many times I have to tell you that for you to believe me.”

Madeleine laughed but said nothing, and two spent the next hour or so in the parlor before Helena went back to her bedroom to take a rest.

Dinner came and went. Helena and her father mostly discussed details of the wedding which left Madeleine out of the conversation for the most part. She engrossed herself in her meal and in other idle thoughts. Their conversation consisted of mostly dull details, such as new tableware that was being ordered for the feast and the guest list and decorations. Suddenly her father turned to her.

“Madeleine,” he said. “I have been having trouble finding a band to perform and the festivities afterward. Would you like to play a few tunes on your violin for us? It would make your sister very happy.”

Madeleine paused a moment before answering. “Alright,” she said. Because, really, what else was there to say? She knew that her father was the type of person to whom she could not say no. On one hand it felt nice that her father was recognizing who she was and what she could do. But on the other, it meant she wouldn't be able to participate much in the actual festivities before her sister left her.

“That would be marvelous,” Admiral Grey said, “Perhaps tomorrow we can select pieces for you to practice.”

“Okay.”

The rest of the meal passed in relative silence. Madeleine and Helena went out to the stables just as a breeze in the wind had come and the sun was beginning to pass into the horizon.

Their horses were resting calmly in their pens beside each other.

“Would you like to go for her a ride?” Madeleine asked her horse, and his ears perked up. Helena did the same with hers and soon they were beginning on the trail that went down a wooded area at the edge of their houses that was broken by the beach. There were other trails, some that cut through town, but this was the one they rode most often.

“Madeleine, do you not want me to get married?” Helena asked flatly as they entered the wood.

“No, I am happy for you.”

“You have not been acting like it.”

Madeleine sighed. “I am afraid to be even more alone than I am now. My life is so dull that I often wonder what my purpose is in being alive. I want to marry and lead a different life than I do now.”

“Madeleine, you do know that Father has been searching for a husband for you as well? I know he's told you several times.”

“I hope that he picks a good husband for me. One that is kind and handsome and good to our children. He would still let me play the violin and ride my horse.”

Helena laughed. “I'm sure that he will.”

They were coming to the base of the hill now. Madeleine could just see the base of the ocean over the tops of the trees. As they entered the sandy clearing,, they could see the edge of town to their right and the beach a short distance in front of them. The sun was beginning to set in the horizon and the breeze was picking it up. The town was beautiful; Madeleine had to admit that. Every time she went outside to ride her horse, she always got the sense that there was something out there for her greater than what she knew now.

They had traversed about ten yards of the beach when Madeleine received a desire to do something she and her sister had often done before. They were still about sixty yards from the docks, with nothing between them but clear sand.

“Shall we race?” Madeleine asked her sister. It always was a fun little thing to do that let them both feel a little more free. Helena needed and the two bucked at their horses to go faster.

The next few seconds were a haze. Madeleine felt a rush of adrenaline as her surroundings blurred and she rushed through time and space before finally halting a few feet from the docks. Madeleine saw her sister had not arrived yet and felt a little smile escape her lips due to her victory. But a few seconds later when she saw her sister's horse arrive without its rider, she felt a momentary panic attack. Madeleine turned around and saw her sister lying on the ground about fifteen yards away.

“Helena?”

“Madeleine?” her sister called back, voice weak.

“What's the matter?” she asked as she moved back toward her sister. Helena's horse, realizing what had happened, followed the pair.

She dismounted and sat besides Helena. At first she didn't seem like she had been injured too seriously; her hair was a little dirt caked and she had some bruises on her arms. But on second glance she saw that her sister could not hide the pain in her face. “I don't know what happened. I wasn't paying attention and I fell.”

“It's my fault. I shouldn't have suggested that we race.”

“No, you are fine. I am dimwitted, and it just means I'll have to face Father's wrath when we get home.”

Madeleine nodded. Their father was never very enthusiastic about their horse rides, constantly fearing for their safety. In addition, with two weeks until her wedding, Helena could not afford to be seriously injured. “You don't have to. I can tell him it was my idea.”

Helena sighed. “We'll talk about it later. For now, let's go home.”

“Can you walk?”

“I don't think so.”

Madeleine nodded and started to lift her sister onto her horse. Although she wasn't very strong, Helena was about her size so it was not too impossible a task. She had just done it and was being to grab both pairs of reins, thinking it better to walk through town, as it would be safer and easier, when she heard screams coming from the dock.

Madeleine's heart skipped a beat as she turned around, nearly frozen with fear at what she saw. A small ship had anchored at the edge of the dock a few piers from where she was standing. At a glance it was ordinary looking, but menacing, dirty people were beginning to descend. They carried weapons and wore tattered clothing. Madeleine, because she was an Admiral's daughter. Pirates. Her father had fought many of them before in his heyday. He told Helena stories of fighting them not just on on open water but stopping them from attacking port towns as well. The merchants still milling in the docks were in various states of panic. Some of them were already dead. Madeleine stood rigid in a state of panic. Never had she thought in all her father's stories that something like this would be happening. Helena was about half conscious but seemed to understand what was going on. She didn't speak, but she knew what what Madeleine did. There was no way they could go back the way the came at the proper speed they would need to go without injuring Helena more and possibly their horses, if they overworked them. No one had seen them yet, but they needed to act fast before they were dead meat.

Just then, Madeleine felt someone tap her shoulder. Her heart stopped for a second, fearing the worst, but she saw that it was a younger merchant, probably not more than twenty. He gestured toward Helena.

“Is she with you?” He asked urgently.

“Yes. She's my sister. She's hurt.”

“I can try to ride,” Helena offered.

The merchant nodded then turned back toward Madeleine. “Then get on your horse. And the both of you, follow me quickly. I know a place where we can hide this out.”

Madeleine had always been taught not to trust the word of strangers, but seeing as how she was in a potentially life or death situation there was little else that she could do.

The next few minutes were surreal. The horses sensed the urgency and followed the merchant as fast as they could. Screams and sounds of weapons painted a fearsome background picture. They wound through streets of frantic citizens, some understanding what was going on, others who had yet to find out. It seemed as though they were out in the open forever before they came across what the outside sign noted to be the Lord Family Carpentry.

“In here,” he said. “The carpenter is my friend. He'll show you to the cellar. I will tie your horses behind the building. They should not be able to find them there. I will join you in a second.”

Madeleine nodded without question. The merchant helped her down from her horse and she, in turn, helped Helena. Giving her a shoulder to lean on, Madeleine helped her sister half-walk, half limp into the store. For a second she questioned the door being open. But then she remembered business hours were still going on and that things like this weren't supposed to happen. The carpenter, an older man with gray hair and a beard, saw them instantly and raised his eyebrows.

“Please, sir,” Madeleine said. “A young merchant who said he was your friend brought us here. We were trapped at the docks when a pirate ship anchored and started to raid the town.”

The carpenter stared at them, wide-eyed. “There are pirates here?”

Madeleine nodded. “My sister is hurt. Your friend is taking our horses to a safe place. He told us to have you lead us to the cellar.”

The carpenter muttered something, the merchant's name, Madeleine thought, but she couldn't make out what he said. “He's close by?”

“He said he'd join us in a minute.”

The carpenter nodded, setting aside his work. “This way.”

He lead the two around a corner. Even though he was old he was still strong, because he took the shelf filled with various random things that seemed to cover the wall and moved it perpendicular without breaking a sweat. When he moved it, it revealed a small door with a descending ladder.

“I'll go first,” he told Madeleine. “Then I'll help you and your sister.”

Helena looked uneasy, and Madeleine could tell she was both in a lot of pain and nervous about slipping on the ladder.

“Don't worry,” the carpenter said. “I'll help you.”

The three descended carefully. The cellar was a dark, cold room with hardly any furniture, just a few barrels of food and wine and scattered carpentry supplies. They waited few seconds in silence before the merchant joined them. Upon descending the latter he turned the shelf back perpendicular and took a seat next to the three.

“Your horses are safe,” he said.

“We are grateful, sir,” Helena pitched in.

“What were two young ladies such as yourselves doing so close to the docks?” He was eying their clothing and it was evident he could tell they were rich.

“My sister and I like to ride our horses. Her horse threw her off as we were passing the beach. And everything happened so fast- just as I was helping her, we saw the havoc starting and we didn't know what to do. Nothing like this has ever happened before for as long as we've lived here.”

The merchant nodded. “I was helping James stock goods on his ship for a trade route he has to take to Charleston in a few weeks when I saw you two. You looked like you needed help.”

“We'll be safe here?”

“You should,” said the carpenter—James. “Every time there is an emergency, I always hide here, and so far I am still alive.”

“How long will we have to stay here? Father will be worried sick, and I fear I will have broken my leg.”

“Unfortunately I do not know what I can do about your leg, miss. You might have to wait until you return home, but I will try to see what I can find. But I do not know how long you two will be here. Since this is my store, I'll check as often as I can to see when the coast is clear.”

Madeleine turned to her sister. “It is likely that Father will have already been called to respond. Either he'll think we found shelter or we went back to the house. Once we explain the situation, he cannot be too angry at us.”

“Who's your father?” asked the merchant.

“Admiral Edward Grey.”

“Grey?” His eyes flickered with recognition. “I presume you two are Helena and Madeleine?”

“Yes,” she said. “I am Madeleine, and that is Helena. How do you know?”

He turned to Helena. “My name is Matthew Simmons. I am the town silversmith. Your father hired me to make new tableware for Helena's upcoming wedding. The set is almost finished, actually. I am to stop by your home to deliver it within the week, actually.”

“You seem quite young,” Madeleine remarked.

“I am twenty. When I was ten my parents put me on a ship out here from Ireland to become an apprentice to the silversmith here. The old man died five years ago. Thankfully I had James to help me run the store and I had perfected my craft enough to keep business strong.”

Madeleine hadn't noticed it before, but there was indeed a trace of an Irish accent in Mathew's voice. She didn't know why, but she found it alluring. Possibly because everyone she had interacted with all her life was either British, or one of their Negro servants? It was now too that she began to fully assess his features. Light brown hair that curled around his ears. A thick brow. Clear, blue-gray eyes. Slightly tanned skin. Rough hands and a strong physique. He was handsome, yes. But Madeleine had almost forgotten why they were there. She couldn't think of such things, not right now.

They stood there for a moment in awkward silence before James decreed that he was going to see if he could find something to treat Helena's leg.

However, if she was still in pain, didn't show it. She was slipping quickly into sleep, and she had put her head on Madeleine's shoulder.

“Have you two lived here all of your lives?” Matthew asked.

“No,” Madeleine said. “We moved here from England when I was fourteen. That was about two and a half years ago.”

“So you are sixteen now?”

“Seventeen. My sister is nineteen.”

The conversation dropped off after that. Everyone was tired. Madeleine had many worries; how the people who couldn't escape were fairing, how much damage had been one, how her father and George Harris were doing, how much they were worrying about them and what they would say when the two returned. The last thing she remembered was James returning with a bandage for Helena's leg before she let herself slip into darkness.

It felt like mere seconds before Matthew aroused her.

“Time for you to go. Helena and her fiance are upstairs. He arrived here just a few minutes ago..”

Madeleine rubbed her eyes, still only half coherent. “Where's James?”

“He moved up to his bed.”

“He lives here?”

“He has a bed here in case work keeps him and he cannot go home. Come, I shall help you up the ladder.”

They did so. Matthew climbed the ladder first, offering his hand to Madeleine. She was so tired that the only thing she could make out was how warm and strong it felt.

Captain Harris and Helena were standing a few feet away, arm in arm.

“Thank you again for making sure they were safe. I am in your debt. So is your father.”

“How did you find us?” Madeleine asked.

“When we were called to ward back the pirates and I met with your father down at camp, he said that you two were out in town. We figured that something had happened and you had hid out in town. We couldn't do anything then, but afterward we asked around and someone sighted you two coming into here.”

“Did they do much damage?”

“We can only confirm a few deaths. Some of the shops closer to the shore were badly damaged, but their invasion force was small and poorly equipped.”

Madeleine nodded. Most everything he was saying was going over her head. She figured they would talk about what had happened more tomorrow. “Where's father?”

“He went back to your home.”

“Our horses are safe?”

“They were somewhat parched, but Matthew was kind enough to get water for them. Since Helena is hurt, she and I will ride together. Will you feel alright riding by yourself?”

“Yes.” Because really, what other choice did she have.

“I shall see you both home then. Thank you again, Matthew.”

As the three headed toward the exit, Madeleine waved. Matthew waved back and smiled a little. And she had a strange thought. Hoping she would see him again.

Madeleine vaguely remembered the ride. The damage was visible, but she blocked out much of it as possible. She needed rest now, in her own bed. When she finally reached it she quickly fell to blackness.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
277 Reviews


Points: 7061
Reviews: 277

Donate
Sun Dec 30, 2012 1:26 am
View Likes
Master_Yoda wrote a review...



Sorry about the delay, but I thought I'd wait until review day.

I suggest you pay close attention to Lauren's review. It is very well thought out, and provides some great insight.

The first thing I want to talk about is narrative perspective. You know the basics, but I want to talk about some of the subtleties that can really make a powerful difference to your story.

In particular, I want to draw your attention to this:

It only seemed natural that her sister would have the best. Not only was she loved by everyone she met, but she was also beautiful. Wavy, long blond hair. Perfect rosy skin. Light blue eyes. Although Madeleine possessed these same features, whenever she was with Helena she never felt as though she could carry herself in the same way, or flatter a dress the way her sister did.

There are two connected problems with this paragraph, and neither of them is that Helena is a Mary Sue. The first problem is that Madeleine is portrayed as a Mary Sue, and the second is that very subtly your narrator slips out of Madeleine's head. Not obviously so, and I doubt that any normal reader would notice the change in perspective consciously, but I expect that the unconscious impact would take a great toll on your story.

I refer of course to the end of the paragraph:
Although Madeleine possessed these same features, whenever she was with Helena she never felt as though she could carry herself in the same way, or flatter a dress the way her sister did.

In this sentence, your goal as a writer is to portray a subtle envy on the part of Madeleine towards Helena. Instead you tell us that Madeleine possessed the same features as Helena. A reader now thinks one of two things:
1) Oh, so Helena has some awesome self-confidence and sees herself as beautiful. or,
2) The narrator is dropping in to tell us that Helena really didn't have much to worry about, but she still felt a little insecure.

Either way, you undermine the envy Madeleine has towards Helena, thus undermining the internal conflict. If you simply stopped paragraph before this quote, the envy would have shone through more powerfully.

At this stage, I want to explain why I don't think that Helena looks like a Mary Sue. Helena as seen by the reader is Helena as seen by Madeleine. Lauren said that the "oh woe is me my sister is perfect and I am not" thing can get tired. I happen to disagree. The story is a character story and conflict is always good in a character story.

I'm a great fan of Pride and Prejudice, and Jane Bennet, Elizabeth's sister is perfect like Helena. Nonetheless, she proves to be a powerful character. The reason for this is that she proves to be less than resourceful when it comes to dealing with Bingley. In the future, Helena must face problems that she cannot solve due to her good nature if the reader is to accept her as real.

Madeleine on the other hand, is whimsical and innocent. She's beautiful, and rides horses and plays violin like a pro. She also happens to be the main character, and you need to really introduce us to some serious character conflict if we are to believe in her character.

She can have all of her awesome characteristics, but the focus of your story telling should lie with her troubles and fears. Watching a character pound through these hurdles is what reading a character story is really about.

This brings me to the second point I want to make. You write whimsically.

Being whimsical is a great attribute to have as a reader. It means that you are willing to accept any adventure that presents itself. No matter how absurd it might seems. This means you can enjoy many stories far more than your average consumer.

As a writer, you must quash this whimsy. To have your fantasies control a story hurts your perspective. Your job as a story teller is to create conflict. Your fantasies naturally avoid conflict and so the tension in your stories fails to build up quickly enough.

The romance of horseback riding and the magic of violin performance, and the wonder of the meadow-breeze on your face is great in building atmosphere, but also great at killing tension. There are ways to create atmosphere while the tension remains intact.

The first thing you want to do in a story is to underline some conflict within your character. Everything else should be built around developing that conflict.

I think those are the two main points to make about your story. I love that I can talk about real writing topics with you in my reviews rather than doing those tedious nit-picky things.

All the best!




User avatar
541 Reviews


Points: 370
Reviews: 541

Donate
Fri Dec 28, 2012 4:32 am
View Likes
Lauren2010 wrote a review...



Ellie! :) Here as requested!

Like I said, I'm so thrilled to see you going back to this story. I remember you working on it almost as long as I've known you! And I know I've read parts of it before, and always enjoyed reading it. :)

Let's get right to it shall we?

“Hello, Madeleine,” Helena said. “Father told me you were in here. Is everything okay?”

No matter the time period/social class you're setting your characters in, it's important to remember that people will always talk differently to those they are familiar with. Chances are, Madeleine and Helena would use much more common speech (especially if they're young, which they are) and might even have nicknames for each other (I imagine Helena would definitely have one of Madeleine, at least, as Madeleine can be a mouthful).

“That sounds like a good idea.” Helena paused, eying the diamond ring that sat her finger. “I know that I am in love with George, but {...}

This feels a little sudden for me, like it's coming out of nowhere. I can't exactly figure out why, and I may just be reading it weirdly, but it might help to work in some more description in this scene especially during their dialogue. Maybe Madeleine should look at her ring as well? Maybe Helena should say the thing about riding making her feel better first? It just doesn't flow right for me as it is.

Not only was she loved by everyone she met, but she was also beautiful. Wavy, long blond hair. Perfect rosy skin. Light blue eyes.

It's too early for this to be an actual problem, but I just wanted to say to make sure Helena doesn't become a Mary Sue. Yes, she seems to be a secondary character (at this point) but she should still be developed and dimensional. Plus, the "oh woe is me my sister is perfect and I am not" thing can get tired. Helena might be prettier/more poised and proper than Madeleine but it might help to think of other reasons Helena is privileged. For one, she's the eldest sister in a seemingly high class family. That's going to be huge in elevating Helena above Madeleine, and it would be more than a little believable if Madeleine harbored some resentment for it (especially when she's been raised in a society that instills these values and constructions in her).

Helena did the same with hers and soon they were beginning on the trail that went down a wooded area at the edge of their houses that was broken by the beach.

Probably not a huge deal, but wouldn't they have a stable hand of some sort? They seem the type to have at least a few servants, if not "slaves" considering they're in the Caribbean.

“Can you walk?”

It seems odd to me that Madeleine would jump to a foot/leg injury over an arm/shoulder. If they weren't riding sidesaddle (which I'm assuming they weren't) and she fell, she'd fall sideways and land on her side/arm/shoulder and possibly hit her head (though on sand I doubt it would be a problem for a head injury). She ought to be able to walk, and it wouldn't have made sense for her to make impact on her legs or feet. However, if she were riding sidesaddle (you may want to specify how they were riding; sidesaddle makes sense considering their station) then she would more believably had slid from the saddle and landed on her foot or ankle.

They carried weapons and wore tattered clothing.

That's something I've never quite understood about how people present pirates. I'd think that people who plunder for a living would be able to plunder themselves some clothes. Or at least afford to buy some. ;P

Madeleine, because she was an Admiral's daughter. Pirates.

You seem to have an unfinished sentence going on here. In fact, there are a few weird spelling/missing word situations throughout the piece. I'd suggest reading it to yourself once more to catch them.

No one had seen them yet, but they needed to act fast before they were dead meat.

How far are they from the docks? I had imagined them on a fairly secluded beach, far from the town. And considering this to be at least a fairly developed settlement (which would make sense as Madeleine's family has an estate) it would make sense that there would be a large and busy harbor area on a coastline that wasn't lined with beaches. Convenience would require shorter docks where merchants could unload close to shore and then deliver those goods to shops that would likely line the docks at the harbor. For some reason, I'm getting an image of someplace underdeveloped, which doesn't quite fit how it should with the rest of the setting. It could be I'm just picturing it wrong! But taking a moment to really describe things and set the scene would clear that up for sure.

“Is she with you?” He asked urgently.

This seems like kind of a dumb question. Who else would she be with? ;P

We figured that something had happened and you had hid out in town.

They're unsettlingly not concerned for their fiance/sister in law/daughters. I would understand George being indifferent if they were simply arranged to marry, but he's supposed to be in love with Helena, and it was said that Admiral Grey is always worried about his daughters safety on a horse. While I understand them not being able to search for them as their duty would lie to protecting the settlement, it would seem they should show more worry than this.

Overall, I quite liked this! The pirate attack is very exciting, and I'm liking Madeleine's point of view. She's jealous of her sister and resigned to her station, yet feels a pull toward something exciting (which she believes is something as simple as falling in love or finding a husband, but I'm assuming will be much more than that ;) ). She's pretty realistic, which makes me like her. xD

The only big over-arching thing is I'd like to see some more description. Don't be afraid to explore the settings of each scene, and give more details about Helena and Madeleine (and the merchant & co). This doesn't just have to be how they look, but also the ways in which they move and act (writers never pay enough attention to body language, in my opinion). How someone moves reveals a lot about their personality as well as the emotions they're feeling. Plus, I'd just really love to see more of this world and these people! More description will make everything feel fuller and deeper, and pull the reader further into the story.

I can't wait to read more, and see what happens next! Definitely let me know when you've posted more. :)

Keep writing!

-Lauren-




User avatar
93 Reviews


Points: 8009
Reviews: 93

Donate
Wed Dec 26, 2012 5:29 pm
View Likes
MagnusBane wrote a review...



Hi Elinor!

I was so excited when I saw that you posted this. It's definitely been a while! This was a really interesting, engaging read. I love the pirate attack. There were a few little nitpicks that I noticed, though.

Madeleine didn't mention that she didn't know what she do with herself in just two weeks time


I think you're missing a word here. It should be "she didn't know what she would do with herself."

But a few seconds later when she saw her sister's horse arrive without its rider, she felt a momentary panic attack.


This seemed too much like "telling" instead of "showing" to me. Maybe instead of saying that she felt a panic attack, you could describe the way her stomach gives a sickening lurch or her heart starts racing.

They carried weapons and wore tattered clothing. Madeleine, because she was an Admiral's daughter. Pirates.


This part confused me. Did you mean to say that Madeleine recognized them because she was the Admiral's daughter? Also, I'm not sure why her father's job would mean that she would instantly recognize that the men were pirates. He might be an admiral, but I'm assuming that she wouldn't have ever seen them before personally. I would expect her to be as confused as everyone else at first - though she would of course realize what they were a little quicker than everyone else.

However, if she was still in pain, didn't show it. She was slipping quickly into sleep, and she had put her head on Madeleine's shoulder.


I think this is pretty unrealistic. Even if her leg isn't actually broken, it sounded like she was badly injured. There's no way she would just forget all of that pain in a few hours and fall asleep. Especially if she had a broken bone.

It felt like mere seconds before Matthew aroused her.


This may not be the best word choice. The first time I quickly read that part, I was like, whoa, what is this rated? Talk about the wrong impression! Maybe just use "woke" instead?

Other than a few missing words, this is very well written. You had a decent amount of description, though I think that there's always room for more details. More action and description of the pirate attack would be awesome.

As for the characters, I would like to get a better idea of Madeleine's personality. We know that she likes music and riding horses, and she's worried about her sister leaving her. That's great, but we don't really get a good look at her actual personality. Sometimes she seems to come off as overly anxious, but then she seems adventurous when she's racing on the beach. Of course, it's perfectly okay if she worries a lot but likes to ride recklessly, but you need to establish her personality a little more so that it isn't as confusing. This is just the first chapter, of course, so you have plenty of time to develop your characters, but I wanted a little more.

I also find it a bit strange that Madeleine and Matthew immediately start spilling their life stories to each other in the cellar. They're strangers, afraid and hiding in the dark, so why are they chatting about where they come from? It just seemed peculiar to me. Also, your dialogue felt stilted at times. I know that the characters are speaking more formally than we do, but sometimes it just seemed... I don't know, forced. But maybe that's just me.

Like I said, I really enjoyed this! There are a few parts that seemed a little unrealistic and other places that could use more details, but this is definitely a very good start. I hope she finds a way to meet up with Matthew again, and I love that you have pirates.

Hope this helped,
Magnus





Goos are anarchists.
— WeepingWisteria