gone

I was quiet, contemplating the irony
of Aqarius opposing a storm, as I disintergrated
into stars, becoming just as cold, and dark
as your face when I told that you're like
the leaves of a tree: Flakey, weak, and replaceable.

I was quiet, seeing you as a ram ready to break me,
as I was Aqarius, losing myself between galaxies,
while you were knotted in storm cells that twisted together,
forming fur around Aries, where the Lachrymose moon
was your wide eyed faced, blinking when covered by clouds-
You are worldly, and I am stellar.

You were ready to charge, with horns curled back
and your eyes on the ground, watching the grass turnover on itself
in the wind- I was hesitant, unsure and scared that you were right.
That I am similar to grass: Common, small, dull, and worst of all:
Stepped on.

You striked with lightning, I had grown nervous with your
thunderbolts dripping down my neck, threatening to slit my throat
as the hurricanes in your voice roared, pushing the sky faster.

We had changed. Where you saw darkness, nothing to explore
but its very existance, I saw infinity, time to think.
And I remembered you saying that time is useless,
that its better to count the comets than it is to count
the seconds and how many we didn't have.

I rung the sky out, raining stars that stopped you in mid gallop,
you were crushed that I could forget you.
As you shed meteor showers, crying as our worlds dissipated at daybreak.
We walked our tired bodies home with the realization
that every encounter was fake, and that our lives were left to be lived alone;
In the worlds that we destoryed.

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Points: 249
Reviews: 122

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Tue Jan 01, 2013 8:07 pm

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aouther2b wrote a review...

Okay so I am timid to review this because of how well it has already been looked at, but I will give it my best shot. Sorry if I repeat anything your previous reviewers said.

I like this poem for a number of reasons. Imagery and emotion are key things in a poem for me and you hit those two points dead on, and with amazing accuracy. Yet despite this I find somethings that missed the mark.

1. At the end of the first paragraph you describe this "person" that isn't you as "you're like/ the leaves of a tree: Flakey, weak, and replaceable" While a good line it seems like it isn't supported when you say they are all these things like a ram and a storm, which are the opposite of of flakey, weak, and replaceable. It leads me to question whether or not you were just saying it to the other person to get a rise out of them, or if you actually believe that. The description of your antagonist left me very confused.

2. You go back and forth from galatical and earthly occurances. While you describe things as supernatural you seem to never stay in one place. The stanza about the huricane, though beautifuly written, is a perfect example. You go from this scene in outerspace that looks and sounds amazing, to earth where its also a vivid scene, then back to the sky. For me personally it doesn't make much sense.

3. This is mostly me being nitpicky, but the fact that you broke up the middle of the fight scene for a moment of contemplation is kinda frustrating. I want to see what happens all the way through, no interuptions, and then hear the contemplation on what just took place. I feel it distorts the flow you had created.

I hope my review was of some help, sorry it took so long to get to your work! Good job!

Points: 5533
Reviews: 696

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Sun Dec 30, 2012 7:46 pm

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Audy wrote a review...

Silented,

I absolutely love the imagery in this piece - just striking, and very imaginative, very inventive - I like how you basically took a metaphor and folded it in over itself as a way of extended it. Plus, I love the zodiac and incorporating all the related images and meanings and things c: just totes awesome.

You striked with lightning, I had grown nervous with your
thunderbolts dripping down my neck, threatening to slit my throat
as the hurricanes in your voice roared, pushing the sky faster.

There's a lot of bang in this - especially seen in that stanza up there. A lot of really powerful images incorporating bright colors, sounds, and action as well as emotion. Overall, I see it as this struggle between the "you and I" and you've made that easily accessible to us by depicting them as zodiacs, and you just get this overall dramatization, like a struggle or fight among gods almost - just so much stellar imagery quite literally. I think craft-wise, this was pretty clever and kind of cool to see how it played out. I especially love the last stanza.

My advice for this is to cut it down though - there are certain spots where it was a bit too jam packed in one stanza, and I do agree with Dreamwalker that it doesn't really engage me so much in an intellectual sense - there's no real surprise really that the world was destroyed, you see it coming from very early on.

~ as always, Audy

Points: 25864
Reviews: 1334

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Sun Dec 30, 2012 6:07 pm

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Hannah wrote a review...

youuu drew me in immediately with aquarius.

as your face when I told that you're like

when i told you that you're like is what i think you meant.

and worst of all:
Stepped on.

no no no no no, first of all i hate that people can't decide whether a character is confident or not, that we go from being haughty and aloof in one stanza to questioning eagerly in the next. and besides that worst of all: stepped on? really? what is that? there's no image and there's no worst of all being stepped on by grass. common, small, dull, these are things to worry about with regards to personality, and stepped on breaks the mold into the realm of metaphor, which means the thought wasn't following the same path and breaks the rhythm. find something else.

I rung the sky out,

pretty sure you mean wrung.

and pretty sure that though much of this is really strong, you need to sort it out. i'm not sure if the antagonist is celestial or common, because at first it seems covered in fur and embedded in mammals, but then it gets to command lightning bolts and talk of comets? clarify what the ranks are here so we can see the two sides of battle and not get lost by confusing one for another because space and the universe are really big but just full of a lot of similar things: planets, stars, and debris.

push it and refine it.
good luck and let me know if you have questions.

Hannah says...

ooh, and you need a new title.

Points: 17895
Reviews: 489

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Fri Dec 28, 2012 4:44 pm

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Dreamwalker wrote a review...

I must admit, you definitely have a way of playing with metaphor as a whole, seeing as you interweave them through this quite thoroughly, almost braggingly. This sort of 'look what I can do' aspect of this which is interesting always, but, perhaps, a little too overbearing. I sometimes feel a little drowned out by some of the stronger, more literal comparisons and parallels. For instance;

you're like
the leaves of a tree: Flakey, weak, and replaceable.

You breathe into the first stanza, sort of letting us taste that interesting, quirky imagery. Aquarius is a pretty concept, especially when delving into some of the more curious, ironical areas of work, yet I find I feel a bit miffed by the stark rigidness of this. You sort of suck all the subtle curiosity and make a clearcut insult at the person the poem is directed towards.

I realize the narrator feels cold, and dark, and innumerably alone, yet it's very hard to feel for the depth of sadness when the outright bitterness is so staunching. When I think of constellations, I think of loneliness, and vastness, but never low-blow arrogance.

Nonetheless, continuing on;

There are gems within the staunched starkness that I also wanted to take note on. For instance;

I was quiet, seeing you as a ram ready to break me,
as I was Aqarius, losing myself between galaxies

As much as the first line also rubbed me the wrong way, I loved the direct repetition of Aquarius. Perfect use of poetic device. It keeps the mind ever reeling on the vastness of loneliness, and how nothing matters. Not even the continuance of a same thought track.

As for the rest of the poem, I loved the strength of continuity, yet the very plot of it seemed to, yet again, staunch it out. You trade your more interesting metaphors for outright explanations. A sort of 'this is what you did, metaphorically, and I, hypothetically, responded in this way', as if in prose. And, if you were more laxed on some of those violent descriptions, I should think this to be a very well-spaced paragraph. A sad short story.

My main piece of criticism towards this piece? Throw all this literal nonsense away. Poetry is strong and beautiful, aesthetically and internally. You've got beautiful aesthetics when it comes to this, but the substance itself becomes overbearing, and chunky. Too much was 'happening' and too much was being explained. I should like to see you abandon your explanations and continue on where you left off in that first (and part of the second) stanza.

As for theme itself? It was sad. Opaqueness took away from the bitterness, but bitterness is what creates the ache all on it's own, with or without the need of showing it through those said violent descriptions.

You're a fantastic writer. Now, lets see if you can be an even stronger poet.
~ Walker

Points: 148
Reviews: 8

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Wed Dec 26, 2012 6:31 pm

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CrazyGirl says...

Wow!! That's all I can say but I have a question: What ispired you to write this poem ??

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