Young Writers Society

Hoot,

I see that you are new to YWS C: I want to welcome you personally! We're a pretty warm and close-knit community. You will find that if you stick with us, your writing will improve by leaps and bounds. So, let's begin by taking a closer look at this, shall we?

I want to first begin by expressing my excitement to see such prolific use with imagery. With every stanza, there's a very picturesque image being described. In my head, it's like each stanza is a post-card- just very natural and serene, beautiful.

The post-card-esque descriptions work pretty well, I think, with your form. The thing about metaphors is that it is basically a tool we use to create or re-create an experience through expression. I think it furthers this idea of remembrance, especially expresses the cataloguing of this couple's journey.

The strength of this piece lies in stanza III and V.

; your toe a pebble
That skipped without my ever touching it.

This strikes me as absolutely ingenious and original. It's such a small gesture, but at the same time the intimacy and emotions are strongly evoked in these lines.

Now we are seashells, coiled and glowing
Waiting, poised for the waves to take us.

A suitable ending, and an apt one to convey this idea of welcoming death - there's very much a profound philosophy expressed in these few lines. When in comparison to your other stanzes, the other stanzas seem a bit passive, just an observation of time and nature, without anything really alluded or implied - or if something is being implied - it's somewhat vague or weak; such as stanza two with the swallows that meet in the middle, it just seemed a bit obvious to me. I do still like what you have further to say about it - with the uncertain wings and the rich emotions - that to me is the important part of stanza II, but it goes away from that almost as soon as it touches upon it. So the effect was that I just sort of gleamed through the stanza without much pause for thought or reflection.

You want to still be able to captivate and engage your reader - if you're going to have this theme of images and reflections and remembrance, it just seems apt you'll also want to create something memorable. You have a lot of beautiful, beautiful images and I love how you play with metaphors, how you experiment and try out different things with it, but in the end - and what I perceive to be the weakness of this piece - nothing seems to stick. I see something, and I'm left going "so what?" A post card is never as good as the actual experience.

I said your poem for the most part is very passive, simply because it is more a reflection or remembrance of a journey, rather than the actual journey itself. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing - I mean, this seems to rely on the theme of reflection/images and so forth, but it's not a particularly an exciting reflection or rememberance - because it focuses more on observation and images, rather than feelings or epiphanies or a point of view - there's nothing new.

I'll ask you a question though. Why is it so important to reflect and recall things? Why do we fixate so much on taking pictures and creating metaphors and sending post cards and writing poetry? That my friend, is where the poetry is at.

Let me know if you have any questions. I realize this review is more contingent upon my own interpretation of your piece and its intentions, so by all means, I'm open to talk more about it if you wish.

~ as always, Audy