Young Writers Society

Impressive story. The writing I see is bold, dramatic and descriptive. But be careful not to overload the reader with so much information that they no longer see any action. The pace was very even and I did not feel rushed as I read this. Your characters were distinct, which is something many writers struggle with. I felt the difference between as I read. I feel like you could have added more of your story to this chapter, but I would have to read the rest of them to see if this is true. Overall, you are a very talented writer and I really enjoyed this piece. Happy Writing!

Be careful with the sentence structure, especially run ons. If the sentence can be split and form smaller more complete sentences without affecting the meaning, you should go for it. Also make sure to variate, don’t use the same structures too often, too close together. And make sure everything you say and every word you use is absolutely necessary and doesn’t weight down the meaning (especially in respect to adverbs, use them sparingly). You tend to overstate or go into too many details too, you don’t need to, just give enough to set the scene and leave the rest to the reader to imagine. Finally be wary of redundancies: “breathing heavily after a long run” – if he was breathing heavily it is already implied it’s from a physical exertion, there is no need to restate it. Same here: “The man’s fists were clenched and lips pressed together in anger - he was flaming” you already showed he was angry/flaming, no need to state it.

Overall the style is good but seems a bit clumsy, varying from simplistic depiction to highly stylistic statements. I think that’s all because of the sentence structure and I am sure it will be smoothed out with experience.

Story-wise it seems solid. You have a stable beginning and a glance at a conflict, so all is well. You can tweak the characters some more if you feel like it, but they too are well introduced for a first chapter. Pacing is ok, but towards the end you seem to rush a bit, although that might be due to the sentence structure.

Overall good, just make sure that every word counts, don’t put in excess details and information that doesn’t contribute to the story. Keep up the good work.

Comments are in bold. Bits I liked are underlined.

Chapter 1 - Mosaic Why is the chapter called this?

Judge Risedo stood silently in the calmest spot he thought possibleCalm in what way, and where was it? , staring through the colourful stained glass washed out "Washed out" means worn out and drained of color, which contradicts your use of "colorful." by the rain, however he did not feel at peace Fragment. . The sound of the raindrops smashing Not the right word. the glass and rolling slowly down the frame seemed too distant to the judge How so? . He could hear only his breaths I thought he could hear the rain, too. , growing louder as his mind filled with thought Pretty sure breaths don't do that , he felt cold running down his weakened spine Comma splice. . The judge was no longer young nor energetic - age had carved wrinkles along his dry forehead and around his dark green eyes. Still, his mind was clear - and his passion for life, moreover justice had never faded Awkward. . He was a determined man; a man of power Just a comma needed here. . He never showed anxiousness which had taken root deep in his heart Really awkward sentence, rework this. Also, anxiousness is a rather light feeling, and it sounds strange when you attribute it to something as profound as the depths of his heart. .
The overcoming Too strong a word; if they were overcoming, he'd show it. feelings of a rather negative nature were fortunately, brutally Wrong word. interrupted Rework this sentence. . The door behind Risedo flew open with enough energy to bounce back off the wall near it It had enough energy to do that, but you leave it unclear whether it actually did or not. . A young man stormed inside, yet "But," not "yet." abruptly stopped stopped abruptly at the sight of Risedo. For a brief moment, silence ensued. Risedo turned around, glancing down the stone steps, unwilling to look him in the eye Completely contradicts what you said earlier about him being a man of power. . The young man stared upwards, breathing heavily after a long run Try "...as if he'd ran all the way here." . Eventually, when the power of speech returned to him, he announced: Comma, not semicolon.
‘‘Mister Mr. When it precedes a name, it's abbreviated. Lurse faced the firing squad today at ten am AM .’’ What does this mean? I never learn what he's talking about.
The man awaited waited for a reaction from the judge; he got none.
‘‘Out of the eleven guns, all had malfunctioned.’’ Same thing here. - he Why the dash? spoke again, notes of annoyance bouncing off every syllable Awkward. "Bouncing off" does this sentence little justice. .
The judge finally replied - Comma, not a dash. his voice hoarse and low, yet somehow calming:
‘‘Stop there. You never know who might be listening.’’ I can't imagine how on earth these words could be spoken in a voice described as "calming." I just don't see it.
‘‘So what - let them hear!’’
The man’s fists were clenched and lips pressed together in anger - he was flaming; comma furious at yet another failure. Risedo knew the man didn’t mean one courageous word he said, yet he knew argument was futile Again. Is this the same guy who was earlier described as a "man of power?" . The fair judge still responded calmly, again:
‘‘Renjin, it’s over now. We can’t do much more.’’
The man’s arms flew upwards, his helplessness hiding behind fury Awkward. .
‘‘You say this every time, Risedo. Every damn time.’’
He took a couple of steps forward, suddenly realising how shaky his knees wereWhy are they shaky? .
‘‘We were so close... Use a period or a dash here. Ellipses should only sparingly, if ever, be used. We got him sentenced!’’
Renjin fell silent, lost for words. The judge was looking at him from above, and seeing him feel broken yet again, as if for the first time What does this sentence mean? . Renjin was not yet an adult, but he certainly was no longer a child, even if he often acted as like one. His dark, brown hair was always disheveled but clean Disheveled but clean. Having a hard time picturing that. , falling over his sparkling blue eyes, now wide open with anger. He had been running to the Temple in the rain; his clothes were soaked and clinging to his olive skin. Droplets from his hands and hair formed Try "were forming." little puddles on the stone floor of the temple Why was it capitalized above but not here? , he shivered but did not move Comma splice. . He breathed in slowly, collecting all his fierce emotions and concealing them as hard as he could "As hard as he could" is awkward. . But there comes a time when one cannot bare bear to stand defeated. He grabbed at the middle buttons of his soaking Use the past participle here to show that it has already been soaked. , blue trenchcoat, and shook the water off violently Odd thing to do. Also, If it was soaked, I doubt much water would come off. . Risedo began to step down the stairs, the light from the coloured glass Not from the colored glass, coming through the colored glass. illuminating his path. The echo of his footsteps flew along the walls, fading away into the dark corners of the building. The judge smiled faintly, gesturing for Renjin to follow him: period
‘‘Let’s go. We should rest.’’
They were now at the same level, able to align their glances Get rid of this last bit and maybe combine this sentence with the next. . Still, Renjin did not react to the invitation to leave. Instead, he spilled his thoughts again, his voice growing louder with each word:
‘‘Don’t try to ignore this! We always stop halfway. How about this time we don’t back down?! No, don't combine punctuation. This isn't a comic strip. Choose one or the other. ’’
Risedo froze in place I thought he was already standing still. . It would be naive to say he had not expected this Expected what? , however but he did not think it would happen so quickly. There was no stopping Renjin now - once he made a decision, nothing could ever change his mind. Risedo knew that full well, yet still [h]he[/b] tried to convince the man otherwise: Period here. Also, why?
‘‘But we have to stop here. We did what we could.’’
‘‘How do you know that?’’
Renjin brushed back his hair, and sighed. Combine this, the next, and the previous paragraphs, since the same person is speaking.
‘‘You think I want too much, but you do too little Awkward; rework this. . I don’t understand your strategy: try to serve justice any way you can, but forget all about it when something’s in the way? Keep in mind that this means nothing to me, as I don't know what he's talking about. ’’
‘‘It’s not that simple, RJ. It’s really not.’’
Risedo’s voice had also begun to grow irritated. Renjin shook his head a little, and shoved his hands into his pockets, probably the driest spot on his outfit. He glanced down, watching the water spread into streams Spread into streams? What does this mean? from his coat. He knew better than to argue with a judge, but never really stopped trying. The judge could always see consequences of actions, and his every step was careful, unlike the ambitious, seemingly fearless young man Just completely rework both of these last two sentences. I have only a vague sense of what you're trying to tell me. .
‘‘Forgive me, your honour. It was a stupid idea to try and fight injustice.’’ Giving up? After you told me it wasn't in his character? You're not coming across as a particularly trustworthy storyteller.
Risedo lowered his head, and closed his eyes, crossing his arms. He always did so when he wished to halt the conversation and refuse Should be in past participle; otherwise, what you're really saying is, "He always did so when he wished to refuse to argue further." to argue further. This time, however comma it wasn’t because of Renjin’s impulsive behaviour, but rather because Risedo couldn’t think of anything to reply with either What's this "either" doing here? . Renjin, as always, took it as a sign to leave.
‘‘See you back at the Hall.’’
‘‘Sure. Take care.’’
He took only a couple of steps away from the abandoned Temple Why is it abandoned, and why are they meeting there? Hm. , only to be met with freezing raindrops slicing across his face How about "...raindrops, which sliced across...." . The young man tried to hide any exposed skin behind fabric, but the rain seemed to get through anyway. All he saw were outlines of nearby buildings, only visible thanks to being a shade of grey darker than the world around him Why would this make them visible, and why are all the houses painted gray? Also, good image, but change "thanks to being a" to "because they were." . His immediate reaction was to seek shelter, but the rough walls provided little relief. Still, he leaned onto the side of a building, slowly sinking down. He felt suddenly exhausted and helpless inside the storm, disorientated and lost Wrong word. Try "devoid." of hope. Unvoluntarily involuntarily , he reminded himself One cannot involuntarily remind oneself of something, but one can involuntarily remember something. Reminding oneself of something is a voluntary action. of the time when he thought the judge’s goals were impossible to achieve, however now he had so much faith in his ideology that each failure hit harder than the last. RJ knew that he was still largely useless without the judge’s guidance - all his life up to that point he had been following orders. He always had been obedient to someone, and that did not worry him until he found that his evolving personal opinions collided with the orders he was given. For the past few months, a conflict began to evolve Wrong word. Also, "evolve" is not the kind of word that you can just use in two consecutive sentences without it sounding odd. between what he was meant to do and what he wanted to do Opinion ≠ desires. His decisiveness Not the right word. was stronger each day, but his inability to stand his ground What? Are we talking about the same person? This sounds like a completely different character. made him only more anxious and frustrated. He longed for change, but felt unable to make it happen. Often enough, he’d feel insignificant and a creature without free will. Renjin felt the ground slip beneath his feet, felt himself losing control of his speech No, get rid of this. , and his anger.
He breathed deeply to calm himself, even if though the cold air stung his lungs, and came through his mouth white, like smoke What? Cold air doesn't do that. Don't stretch reality. . Slowly, he rose to his feet and carefully glanced round the corner. By that time, he had already shut off his negative thoughts, and prioritized Wrong word. his escape into a place somewhat warmer and drier. He was grabbing onto his coat as he walked, his hands almost completely numb. Looking forward was quite problematic, but it wasn’t necessary It was, but it wasn't necessarily? What? since because Renjin knew the streets by heart. He passed antique buildings, with handmade wood carvings on their facades, the gold invisible in the bleak Wrong word. "Bleak" connotes dryness, and would be more fitting describing the air of a desert. air. He stepped over identical squared patterns on the pavement, turning his back to the amazingly Meh, hackneyed adverb. Try a different one. beautiful Temple. In daylight, its roof shined gold, vines swirling round the carved white marble columns, magnificent statues decorating the stairs, daylight flowing through colourful mozaic mosaic glass. Now, the ancient town was in a deep sleep, hiding away from the violent storm Hiding away? How so? . Renjin raced along the streets, exiting the antique sector of the city through the grand redwood gates, and headed down yet another instead of "yet another," just use "a." familiar road to the Justice Hall.

Hey there!

I really liked your story here, it's interesting yet it makes me wonder more. More about the actual storyline of this and where this is headed. Both characters were brought to life by the dialogue and their behavior too. The starting was pretty slow and that actually made everything seem calm until Renjin stepped and that's where the real conflict started.

I like the way you show the contrast in their characters by their argument. Renjin is the young, bold guy while Risedo is the old wise guy. Their ideas clash and it results in some form of disagreement. From there I can see that Risdeo reacts in a calm manner while Renjin easily loses his cool. Good job there.

It seems that this story takes place in the past? The way you described the streets makes me think of Rome for some reason. White marble column and statues. However the temple wasn't that well described. I know it has stained glass but apart from that how did it look? Since it was abandoned was it in ruins? Were some parts of the temple destroyed? You described the characters and town well but not really the temple, it's one part you could work on more.

One part I don't get however, why was it that all eleven guns had malfunctioned? If someone was to be put to death by firing squad. Wouldn't they make sure the guns were working properly before shooting the accused? If there was foul play involved, let's say someone sabotaged the guns so Lurse wouldn't get killed, wouldn't there be suspicions and more investigation carried out?

Hope my review helped!