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Young Writers Society



Demonic Flare Chapter Four: An Announcement Is Made

by ElementalBlood


Chapter 4: An Announcement is Made

So it was a girl after all. And a demon, judging by the elfish ears and the ghostliness of her form. Her nails were long and sharp, looking frighteningly like claws. Glowing yellow eyes, similar to a cat on the hunt, reflecting the prey in her sights. She had to be strong, the crescent moon-shaped sword on her back looked incredibly heavy. To wield that took a high strength stat.

Clearing my throat awkwardly, the only thing that came out was, “Huh?”

Well, that must have been the smartest thing I ever said in my life, I thought sarcastically.

The demoness shrugged and wore a bored expression. “Meh, I don’t know. Something about your face is just annoying.”

Sweat drop. “That’s it?”

“Yeah.” Her face went blank, betraying nothing and giving me no indication of how this conversation could end. “Your nose looks funny under that weird mask.”

My hand strayed up to my face of its own accord, suddenly self-conscious. I blushed and grit my teeth. I had the strange urge to pull the mask down and ask if my nose still looked strange, as if her opinion mattered.

“Bloody Swan. What are you noobs doing out this late anyway? Wolves like tender new flesh.” She scratched her chin nonchalantly.

Regis’ ear perked with interest at the name but disappointment quickly flashed across his features as he realized that it wasn’t me. Well, it made me feel better momentarily, then really, really guilty. I piped up, still feeling awkward. “Pandora. Can’t log out.”

“Oh.” She looked up at the canopy and muttered to herself, “So it’s not just me…”

I exchanged looks with Sabre and he shrugged too. I tried to get Regis’ attention but he appeared to be too deep in his own thoughts. Of course, Artemis was still out of it and I was beginning to envy her unconsciousness. Not caring about anything right now was preferable to being surrounded by these weird people. Plus, I was exhausted. I’d been up for nearly fourteen hours and the last one hadn’t been very enjoyable.

Sabre leaned over and whispered out the corner of his mouth, “Is she talking about herself in third person?”

I didn’t reply but I agreed. Bloody Swan was muttering to herself, constantly referring to a “Swan.” Regis still looked upset. His jaw was clenched tight and his ears laid flat against his skull. I couldn’t see his eyes.

“I would like to have a match with you, Pandora,” she finally said.

“…”

I was stunned and definitely not in the mood to indulge a raving lunatic. But she had already drawn her sword and the boys were backing up. Leaving me alone. I stared at Regis, disbelieving. His hair parted enough for me to see one eye. He shrugged and gave me an awkward grin. As I glared, he sighed and mouthed, “You’ll be fine.”

If I was a mage, he’d have taken my place, I thought venomously. But I’d asked for this and a very small part of me knew it was my fault. I just didn’t want to admit it yet.

As Swan levelled her executioner’s blade with my gut, I gripped the hilt of my katana. The feel of the leather was comforting and slowed my breathing. I was scared and nervous, I’d never had to actually face off with someone before and her sword looked sharp.

I let out a very slow breath, settling, lowering my centre of gravity through instinct. I must have twitched or something, because Swan took that moment to step forward and swing.

Her blade parted the very air it travelled in. Transfixed with dread, I didn’t move fast enough. I backpedalled and turned but it caught me in the shoulder. My breath hissed through my teeth and I stared at the wound for a moment. The cut was clean, white for a second before blood dribbled from its edges and dyed it red. It hurt, burned, the pain greater than anything I’d ever felt.

Swan smiled, her eyes like a predator that has its prey cornered. Her robes billowed from the air her sword had stirred. As her blade reversed direction, I realized she was wielding it with one hand.

I ducked, pain forgotten in the primal urge to flee. She was too strong for me to handle. The sword audibly cut the air above me. Her surprise showed with the slightest twitch of an eyebrow. Then I realized I still had a blade of my own.

And I saw the drawback to a Saber’s blade.

The recovery time was long.

But that wasn’t enough. I could dodge forever and never win this bout. I had to attack. How?

My muscles knew.

Before I had even formed a thought of how to progress, I was close enough to see the whites of Swan’s eyes. She was surprised, her eyebrows threatening to disappear into her hairline. My fingers tightened on my katana’s hilt and I drew it with a sharp shiiing.

In the same stroke, my blade crossed my vision, drawing a line across Swan’s chest. A line that turned red. Some of the blood sprayed, warm wetness soaking my shirt. Her look of surprise magnified when a second line bit deeper, though not by much, I wasn’t close enough. Then the katana was back in its sheath and I was stepping out of range, not quite sure what had just happened.

Swan didn’t seem to grasp the situation either. We locked gazes, our wounds forgotten.

“You…you hurt me,” she muttered as her lips curled into a silent snarl.

Before I had gotten over my own small success, she stepped and swung. I didn’t have time to react nor did I have the ability. I felt a unique trait of her blade with my own flesh; that curve. Its tip got behind me and carved straight through the backs of my legs. I collapsed to my knees.

The sound of my heavy breathing filled the air. Swan towered over me, eyes flashing as the red stain on her robes grew. It was hard to believe I actually caused that. I felt something sharp bite into my neck and I trembled, staring into her angry eyes.

“Dead.”

I squeezed my eyes shut and waited to find out how much pain death in this game caused. Seconds ticked by and nothing happened. I cracked my eyelids a fraction. Swan was still staring at me but her face had gone blank.

“You’re a strange one,” she said.

While I tried to process that remark, Sabre finally said something. “God, Pandora. I can’t tell whether you suck or can actually fight.” Of course, his tone was dripping with sarcasm.

“Shut up!” I snapped.

He chuckled as Swan lowered her sword and sheathed it with a flourish that spread flecks of my blood everywhere. I guess it was a quick method of cleaning.

“You show promise. I will accompany you and be your instructor,” she announced finally.

I guess confusion was evident in my expression because she finished her sentence with, “Do not misunderstand. If you can fight with skill, you can be my entertainment in the future.”

I don’t understand warriors. Or her, for that matter.

While I fished out a flask of healing potion to restore about 30 HP, our silent beast remained that, silent. I let out an unintentional groan as my wounds healed and now-working muscles twitched and jerked. Regis stayed silent. A glance over my newly healed shoulder told me he was staring at me curiously. His behaviour had been so erratic in the last few hours I wasn’t even sure who he was anymore. Certainly not the same person I knew in New Ages. Maybe it had never been him in the first place.

I scowled, the movement causing the fabric of the mask to rub against my nose. It was loose. I reached up and touched my left cheek to pull it tight when I felt a small tear in the fabric. I hadn’t remembered Swan swinging that sword anywhere near my face so I must have caught it on something and not noticed. Either way, I’d need a new one. I couldn’t risk being found out at this stage.

Blonde hair obscured my vision. It took me a moment to realize it wasn’t mine. I tipped my head back and stared into Artemis’ face. She stared back quizzically, and asked plainly, “What happened to you?”

I sighed. “Life.” Pushing her away to hide how happy I was to see her alert and awake and standing up. The weirdest people – correction, elf, demons and beast – I had ever met surrounded me. And I was their leader? Too much for 24 hours.

Not to mention that we couldn’t log…actually, I don’t want think about that.

“Let’s find some place to sleep,” I muttered.

***

Unknown hours later and I finally stirred. I guess I technically didn’t need sleep in the game as my body was sleeping outside it, but it must have been part of the game’s programming. To reduce the amount of information flying about at nearly the speed of light and a safety precaution, keeping the game from burning itself out. Smart.

The sun was hanging just over the horizon; dawn. Clouds gathered to the east, the sun lighting them a deep violet and pink. The wind blew them toward us, perhaps it would rain later. We were camping on the edge of the forest, near a second village. At least, according to Swan. The land in front of us was flat with the exception of a sheer cliff face off in the distance. No sign of any village.

I stood, stretching my limbs out of habit rather than necessity. Muscles didn’t cramp in the virtual world. Regis was already awake and checking his sword where he sat. He hadn’t said a word since before we’d met Swan.

I went and tapped him on the shoulder. He glanced up in surprise, as if he hadn’t been aware of anything but the length of cold metal on his lap. “What’s up with you?” I asked.

“Ah, nothing,” he answered quickly.

I narrowed my eyes. That was a child’s attempt at evading a question. Normally, I’d just lean on him, crossing my arms on his head until he cracked and started talking. I’d have to find a new way now.

I eyed the blade on his lap and had an idea. Lightly pulling on one of his ears, I asked with as much determination as I could muster, “Teach me how to fight.”

Regis was silent for a moment. I thought he might not have heard me and inwardly cursed before he looked up at me. It was a rare moment where I could see both of his eyes, a blue-gray in the light of dawn.

I lost track of the seconds we stayed still. Then he cracked a smile. For some reason I thought, Yes! I won!

“You got it.”

***

Barely ten minutes later, we had moved a little off camp and the sound of metal clashing rang through the air. I was panting, not used to this kind of exertion. Regis was fine, even though he was wielding that giant sword of his with one hand.

“Come on, Pandora. Swan will kill you at this rate.” His light-hearted banter made me feel better though what he said rang true. I didn’t want to die yet. If her sword hurt that much when she barely nicked me, I really didn’t want to feel it through my chest.

“Shut up, you,” I spat out. He laughed.

“Where’s the skill you had when you fought her? You used a technique of the Iaid?? School. Where did you learn that?” His inquisitive tone made me wonder myself. Where had I learned that?

“Iaid?? School?” I prompted.

He sighed and lowered his sword. “Iaid?? is a martial art that includes drawing the sword, striking and re-sheathing it. You know nothing about it, I’ll assume.”

I shook my head with a blank expression. My eyes trailed to the katana I still held. Reflecting the orange light of dawn, it looked rather harmless yet only yesterday, it had drawn blood. I had drawn blood.

“Pandora? Are you even listening?”

“Not in the slightest.”

His sigh pushed through the air. “What are you thinking about, then?”

I shrugged, wondering that too. “Nothing really. Though maybe I watched too many cartoons. I probably copied it out of desperation.” I paused, gears sliding into place in my head. “Wait, do you think that might be a good idea?”

Now he let loose a sigh of exasperation. “What might be a good idea?”

I thought about the shows I used to watch as a kid. All those spectacular warriors, swinging swords larger than themselves with finesse and deadly accuracy. Strange attacks that seemed impossible or more flash than substance; unorthodox. Still…if I could figure out how to perform a few of them, I might have an advantage. As a concealed grin broke out on my face, I thought about how awesome some of those moves would look. Without really thinking, I raised my katana with renewed vigor. “I think I’ve got a decent plan. Now, do you think Swan’s going to be a part of our team, or just a tag-a-long?”

“I don’t know,” he answered, preparing himself for another bout. “She’ll probably leave when we reach the next village. She’s a flake, she’ll lose interest in you soon enough. And Pandora?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t think, just react.”

Before I had enough time to realize what he was talking about, he launched himself at me. I was forced to cross swords, catching the edge of his blade with the flat of my own. Neither of us could afford to move, lest allow the other time to strike. I felt my arms weaken, noting arbitrarily that I should pump some levels into my strength.

Regis took advantage of my distraction and changed the pressure on his sword, twisting my katana to the side and almost out of my grasp. That giant of a blade bearing down on me forced me into action. As the muscles in his wrists took a quick breather after all the force they’d been applying, I acted, pushing back the other way just enough to avoid getting slashed and quickly stepped back out of his range.

We traded blows for over an hour until we were both too tired to continue. His wider range had forced me to create openings just wide enough to sneak in, slash and get away. Though he was stronger, I was faster with my lighter clothes and lighter sword. I levelled up twice, pumping much needed stats into my agility. Eventually though, Regis had decided I’d learned enough with a weapon for the day and had me fight him unarmed. I only won one round out of sheer luck when he tripped over his own feet. We were both covered in deep cuts and developing bruises.

“Toss me a vial,” Regis muttered painfully past a cut lip, drinking deep the moment the health potion met his deft fingers. I copied and we both waited while the potion worked its magic, taking about meaningless things, comparing the stats of our weapons, noting that even they levelled.

And that’s how Sabre found us. Refreshed, we both heard someone crashing through the forest. I snagged my knife from my pack and threw it. Sabre, just stumbling out of the trees, ducked and scowled in my direction. I shrugged and lowered my head in an attempt send my apologies without yelling. “Whoops,” I murmured.

Regis stifled a chuckle as Sabre approached, throwing my knife at my feet. “Thanks for the welcoming party guys.”

Ooh, sarcasm. “No problem.”

The necromancer ruffled my hair and joined us on the ground. I guess he wasn’t angry, good sign. I could learn to like this weirdo. As I tried to smooth my hair, Regis asked, “Did the girls kick you out?”

A corner of Sabre’s lips twitched upward slightly. “Not exactly. The girl with the big…uh, blonde hair’s up though,” he corrected when he caught me glaring daggers. We both knew what he’d been about to say. “I scouted out the town, it’s a madhouse over there. I found a GM running around, trying to calm everyone down even though she seemed in the verge of breaking down herself.”

I monitored Regis while Sabre chatted away. The wolf’s ears flattened, twitching erratically as his lips peeled back into a teeth-barring grimace. He wasn’t over last night either, he was merely distracted.

“She told me that it’s not just a bug in the system. Someone hacked in. They erased the code that allowed players to log in and out. Her last update was about the coding. I suppose whoever knocked out logging capabilities also destroyed the communication system the GMs were using. I wonder what they did to keep the anyone from rewriting code? That GM was kind of pretty too, not as pretty as Artemis but still…” He whistled approvingly.

I reached out and smacked his shoulder to shut him up for a moment. “That aside, anything important?”

“Oh…” he sounded disappointed. “The GM did mention some sort of damage control. The other GMs are planning a tournament. You know, to help everyone relax until the bug’s fixed. I think we should go for it, if for nothing other than its intended purpose. Could be fun. We’d need six people though, we’ve only got five.”

Oh no. Oh no, no, no! We are not bringing that lunatic into our team! She’ll kill me!

Apparently, Regis didn’t agree and actually lit up at the mention of a five person team. I was left out in the cold as he and Sabre decided what job and class they’d need to look for in a sixth member. If I knew Regis at all, I knew there would be no way of changing his mind now that it was made up.

“So, an elemental mage then?” Regis said finally.

Sabre nodded. “It would be best; we have you, Swan and Pandora for close range, me for midrange but only Artemis for long range. We need another person to back her up and another mage would be perfect.”

It was out of my hands now, so when they looked for my opinion I agreed. I was now stuck with a crazed demonness for the foreseeable future. Hopefully she’d leave us the moment something better came along. I’d rather put another archer in her spot. “We have to talk to Artemis and,” I hesitated, as if saying her name would incur her wrath, “Swan first but I guess we’d better start training in the mean time. Finding a good area with lots of mobs to grind is a must.”

“We’re joining a tournament! This is going to be awesome!” Sabre said.

Oh yeah, so much fun. So. Much. Fun…

A knowing wink from Regis raised my spirits a little.

Then again, it might. And I might be able to press that GM Sabre was talking about for more information. That girl I heard has to be a part of all this.

I know it.


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Sun Dec 30, 2012 11:48 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Hai!

Please note all comments are on this chapter alone and not any previous ones as I've not read them.

Specifics

1.

Sweat drop. “That’s it?”
Avoid things like this because it's lazy. Describe in full please!

2. Now this is much better: some beautiful descriptions and a good sense of atmosphere. You've really got the knack of describing sounds and feels as well as sight. Good stuff.

Characters

You've got some good stuff going on here but I wonder if you couldn't take a small step back from the video game world, just enough for us to be able to feel the real people behind these game bodies. It's great that you've got the double layer and you've got all the interaction between them, but I'd like to see more thoughts outside the game as well because I know when I'm playing, it's easy to get sucked in, but there's always a bit of my brain considering what these people are like in real life/ thinking about them, analysing them. I also didn't get the best sense for what races the other characters were or what they looked like, but that could have been covered in an earlier chapter so I'll not say anything else there.

Wold-Building

This is good so far! I love the gaming world and the things you've got in there like health potions and levelling up. What I do think you need though is a tiny bit more focus on setting. Where are they? In the woods I take it, but could you describe it more - are they camped by some water? Do they have sleeping bags rolled out, backpacks at the side? Are there birds? Does a monster make a sound in the distance or cross their line of sight? It's great that you're very focused on the action and I can't fault any of your plot, but it does feel like your line of vision is a tiny bit narrow at times and it's easy to forget this isn't an enclosed space.

Overall

Good stuff. You've got some strong dialogue and there's not too much to pick apart here, but I do wish you didn't stop every time Pandora is about to tell us how she feels about not being able to log on, about her sister etc. We need that information to connect with her and whenever she holds back, we can feel the outline of the story here and it starts to fray at the edges. You've got good battle scenes but we just need that little bit more empathy and realism to make the game world a scary place. At the moment I'm not feeling it - for all your talk of panic, that seems to be very outside the group.

Keep writing!

Heather xx




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Sun Dec 30, 2012 3:13 am
reason wrote a review...



I haven't read previous chapters therefore anything off base can be ignored. I apologize if this entire review is just that. Hopefully, you'll find something useful here.

You took on possibly one of the most difficult perspective there. It’s tough to pull off a first person narrative what with the eternal struggle of “showing versus telling” and the nature of a narrative (which has a real stream of conscious feel to it.) The balance is far from easy to pull off. I commend you on taking this challenge head-on.

So it was a girl after all.


I imagine she’s surprised that her opponent is a female. I want to know how the narrator reacted to this.

So, it was a girl! My eyebrows jumped. My mouth hung open for a moment. Never have I been this grateful for wearing a mask because that sure would’ve been awkward to explain . . . yeah.

And a demon, judging by the elfish ears and the ghostliness of her form. Her nails were long and sharp, looking frighteningly like claws. Glowing yellow eyes, similar to a cat on the hunt, reflecting the prey in her sights. She had to be strong, the crescent moon-shaped sword on her back looked incredibly heavy. To wield that took a high strength stat.


Our narrator proves to have a bland vocabulary. Let’s try to spicen that up a bit with more descriptive words for the reader’s sake.

And a demon, by the looks of it, with those elfish ears; her body was ethereal, you know like a ghost. It wasn’t entirely there –faint, that’s the word I was looking for.

I know this is a narrative therefore sentence fragments are permissible: however, let’s keep it to a single tense. I’m a big advocate on removing unnecessary words, but for this narration we need plenty of words to act as transitions –if only to keep everything smooth.

The narrator does something queer here. She comments on Swan’s form, but then jumps to her eyes. In description, act as though the narrator’s eyes are a camera. Logically, if she takes in the body –she’ll then notice the crescent moon-shaped sword. In turn, our protagonist sees those claws nearby and ultimately pans up to see her eyes. It’s all about progression. Let’s not jump the gun here.

These assumptions our protagonist comes up with such as:

To wield that took a high strength stat.


I’m not a fan of assumptions. I suggest taking a more cautious approach:
To wield that heavy looking weapon, it must have required a high strength or a whole lotta luck. Game mechanics could be funny that way.

Clearing my throat awkwardly, the only thing that came out was, “Huh?”

Well, that must have been the smartest thing I ever said in my life, I thought sarcastically.


There is no need to say awkwardly or sarcastically. One typically clears one’s throat during an awkward moment. Furthermore, everything she’s said from this point sounds in her voice.

The “I thought” disrupts the set pattern. I suggest:

I cleared my throat. If asked what I said, I will deny this. “Huh?”

Well, that must have been the smartest thing I have ever said in my life. I sighed.

The demoness shrugged and wore a bored expression.


How was her expression bored? Were her eyes haughtily half-lidded, obviously not impressed? Did she have a blank stare? Did Swan glance away looking for something of interest?

Sweat drop. “That’s it?”


A sweat drop is not appropriate as a literary device to express an awkward moment. It’s appropriate for manga and anime. Although I do understand videogames sometimes overlap genre-wise, it doesn’t work in this instance. I recommend a pregnant pause or an expectant stare followed with: “That’s it? That’s ALL you have to say.”

I had the strange urge to pull the mask down and ask if my nose still looked strange, as if her opinion mattered.


I appreciate her reaction. Internet people or strangers can sometimes irk you with the oddest of comments. I know at times I pull back and want to hiss, “Really, now? How about this?” To add to this, I would like to have seen her add at the end of this statement.

It doesn’t!

“Bloody Swan. What are you noobs doing out this late anyway? Wolves like tender new flesh.” She scratched her chin nonchalantly.


How is this line delivered? By having the words run one after another with no break, I’m not sure how Swan changes either her expression or her voice.

“Bloody Swan!” She hissed under her breath. Expelling air through her nose, she harrumphed, “What are you n00bs doing out this late anyway?” Swan nearly spat. She glanced at the others. The demoness scratched her chin nonchalantly, throwing it out there: “Wolves like tender flesh.”

Tender and new act as synonyms.

He shrugged and gave me an awkward grin.


Again with the awkward, is Pandora in love with this word? I have no bias against it. Except for the fact it doesn’t work well when writing because . . . how is his grin awkward? Does Pandora mean to say his smile was sheepish? That he looked down and away for a moment while smiling?

I was scared and nervous.


How did this show itself physically speaking? Did she start to shake or tremble? Were her nerves shot at this point? Did she notice her eyes starting darting about looking for an exit strategy or a weak point on her opponent?

Her eyes like a predator that has its prey cornered.


Her eyes became primitive as a predator. The pupil dilated until they were dark as a night without stars. Have you ever seen a night without stars? I have in the city. Anyways, Bloody Swan’s eyes narrowed. And in that moment, I knew I was done for.

It’s got more impact this way. And it’s a welcome change of pace from the curt sentences of battle.

Transfixed with dread, I didn’t move fast enough.


When dread hits, I can see Pandora freezing. It would make for a stronger sentence if she stated. Then introduce her backpedaling and one can assume she didn’t react fast enough.

Transfixed with dread, I froze.

In short, I recommend avoiding stating the obvious. Have Pandora tell us the details of how someone’s feeling by the way their bodies move, how their muscles twitch, or their facial expressions contort. Otherwise, it’s a solid piece. Do take care with having a large cast, it can be easy to lose track of all of them –and it’s even easier to confuse the reader by bringing them all up one after another. Good luck!





"She doesn't even go here!"
— Damian Leigh