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Young Writers Society



The Healer

by lilmisssunshine13


"Are you certain you have permission to go in there sir?" Asked Dr. Aubrin.

The man merely turned and looked Dr. Aubrin straight in the eyes. Soft knowing brown eyes met pale, scientific blue ones. The blue eyes glanced down.

"Right." said the doctor.

The man smiled, a mirthful lightening smile that seemed to draw warmth and life from the cold, sterile walls of the asylum. Dr. Aubrin again glanced down. He turned to walk down the hallway, but stopped midstep.

"You do know that I am not liable if she attacks you?"

Again, the man smiled, little wrinkles crinkling in the corners of his liquid eyes. And then he replied, each word like the richest chocolate, but quiet, so the good doctor almost had to strain to catch it.

"All will be well."

The doctor shurgged in annoyance at this sudden inavasion of life into his sterile kingdom. And then he did walk away, leaving the man alone next to the door. The man watched him go, and smiled again. But this time it was a melancholy smile, sad with knowing. And then he reached out his hand to the cold door knob. With a purposeful, graceful twist of his wrist, the man turned it and walked in.

The door shut with a soft clang. In the center of the room a young woman sat. She would have looked normal, perfecty normal, except for her eyes. Bright green, they kept looking back and forth erratically, never fousing on any one object. It was clear that the young woman was seeing something greatly different than the barren, white-walled room. And if one looked closely, he would see her head give occasional twitches, as if responding to a loud noise. But in the room, there was only silence.

The man fixed his gaze on her intently. She did not seem to notice him. He stepped up to her and whispered her name, or perhaps he shouted it. It was impossible to tell.

"Sophie."

Did she twitch as the mellifluous voice reached her ears? Maybe. But her eyes were still darting back and forth, looking at an invisible world.

The man grasped Sophie's hands and looked her straight in the eyes. Brown met green, and for the first time since he walked in, the green eyes seemed to focus.

"Sophie. I am here."

And the strange thing was that he was. Suddenlly, he was with her, in the strange, terrifying carnival world, with flashing lights and shouting voices and a hundred thousand scents, playing over and over again. Voices, music, chaos. He was with her in the chaos of her mind.

She looked at him with frightened green eyes.

"I've tried to get out. I just-- I can't find the exit signs. I tried-- I tried."

He stood there holding her hands amidst the whirling chaos, holding her there with him, the sole bustion of order in the tempest of madness. And then he spoke in that soft voice, which Sophie could somehow hear over the chaotic noises, threatening to overwhelm her.

"Follow me."

And then as he turned to start walking, she almost tore her hands away from his. She tried to desperately hard to get away that she cut open his palms with her nails. The man winced, but his grip was firm.

"Not that way!" she screamed. "Don't take me over there!"

Because in the direction he was starting to walk was her worst nightmare. Ever since she had been trapped here, Sophie had avoided it always, and even though it followed her close behind, she always managed to stay ahead, just by a little. But then, amidst the terrible, swirling miasma and the approaching horror, the man turned around and looked at her.

"Sophie, do you trust me?" he asked.

She looked into his ageless face, into his soft, liquid eyes, and saw the love. But then she saw the approaching tempest over his shoulder and hesitated.

He took a step closer and drew her attention back. "Sophie, do you trust me?" he asked, just a little more admantly then before.

Again, she hesitated. Blood dripped from his hand.

He stepped so close that they were almost touching.

"Sophie," he said, with the softest whisper, "Do you trust me?"

She could take it no longer. Weeping, she burrowed her head into his chest. "Yes," she said, her voice muffled by his robe. "I trust you."

He held her for a moment and said in that soft voice, "Then follow me."

She took his hand and steeled herself. The nightmare was fast approaching them, even as they drew nearer to it. As they drew even closer she trembled, for the storm was beginning to take shape; and it was what she most feared. It was herself, in all her reality, wickedness, and evil. She could not bear to look--she screamed.

Then, abruptly, she found herself looking into the man's eyes. They were sad, but sad for her. She could not bear to have those eyes look at her, seeing her for what she was. Sophie tried to turn away, to run back into the madness.

But the man held her tight.

A moment passed.

Two moments.

Then he spoke.

"Sophie," he whispered, "I love you."

She cried and shook her head. "How? How could you love me? How could you love that?" She desperately wanted to cry. But no words came out. Still, he held her tight.

"Sophie," he repeated, "I love you."

She wanted to hang her head in shame and disbelief. But the slightest hope held it up.

"Sophie," the man said, this time shouting with the power of a tornado, "I LOVE YOU!"

The world shook and started to fade in and out. The chaos tried to fight but the power in the man's voice held it at bay. And then the whole madness faded like the fog it was. The man and the young girl were left alone in a white room. Sunlight streamed in through the window. Tears dripped from her eyes and blood dripped from his hands.

"Sophie," he murmured, "I love you."


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95 Reviews


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Mon Dec 31, 2012 10:20 pm
Clarity wrote a review...



Soft knowing brown eyes met pale, scientific blue ones. The blue eyes glanced down.

You say "...pale, scientific blue ones." And include a comma to seperate your describing words, yet "Soft knowing brown eyes..." does not have a comma to seperate. Was this intended or a typo? I think you may
have meant "Soft, knowing brown eyes met pale, scientific blue ones."

He turned to walk down the hallway, but stopped midstep.
"You do know that I am not liable if she attacks you?"

Just letting you know that I really like this bit. It was serious... but it made me laugh. Whether that was intentional or not, it doesn't matter. You had an effect on the reader, and that's what really matters here.

Again, the man smiled, little wrinkles crinkling in the corners of his liquid eyes. And then he replied, each word like the richest chocolate, but quiet, so the good doctor almost had to strain to catch it.
"All will be well."

I got slightly confused here... a little too much description. It's good to use description, but it doesn't want to be overused. So, maybe just rearange your sentence structure, and come up with something
detailed yet vague. Which is often dificult, but with a little effort, will easily be done. Use a metaphor instead of a simile, it will come across as more vague. :)
The bit in bold? And then... this just bothered me. When I was younger, the teachers always said "Never start a sentemce with 'and then'." I guess it just got stuck, and now it bothers me when I see it. So, can
you take a look back at this, and just think about another phrase that will sound a lot better than "and then".

Suddenlly, he was with her, in the strange, terrifying carnival world, with flashing lights and shouting voices and a hundred thousand scents, playing over and over again.

Suddenly only has one 'L'. Other than that, this sentence was good. :)



Okay, at first I was confused at your plot... but then I sat and thought about it. I am not sure whether you intended this as the effect on the reader, but this is what I thought.
This story shows the struggle everyone goes through with themsleves, sometimes it gets too much and we take the wrong mental path. The message I got was that no matter how troubled we are, there will always
be someone who will take the time and be patient with you. Simply because they the you. The 'heal' you in a sense. Which then goes back to your title 'the healer'.

I do not know whether I got the correct message/story out of this, but any how, I did get something out of it.
You did a very good job, you evoked a realisation and effect on your reader. Congratulations! :D

I enjoyed this. Even though it confused me to begin with, it held a hidden meaning that I appricated fully. Thankyou for sharing this story, you truly gave me something to think about, even if it was just for
entertainment purposes.

Well done and good luck!

Keep writing! :D

-Clarity'xo




Clarity says...


"Simply because they the you. The 'heal' you in a sense." My sentence was muddled here...
--- Simply because they love you. They 'heal' you in a sense. < that's what I meant.



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Mon Dec 17, 2012 12:14 am
CinnaThePoet wrote a review...



Hello!

I read this over a few times, and I have a few conceptual criticisms as well as technical ones.

My biggest difficulty with this story was that the direction of the plot was really vague. Because I'm reading this as more of a flash fiction type of story, I think that this is a problem that can be corrected by simply redrafting the story and showing the readers more. After reading your story, the reader clearly understands that the climax that they are waiting for will happen once the unnamed protagonist encounters this woman. But by simply telling readers about the things that physically happened, you are depriving readers of key information.

-What is this man's relationship with the woman?
-Why is Sophie afraid of her true self?
-Does he really love her? I can see that he is important to her, but there is no indication of the reverse. How sincere are his words?
-What reason does the doctor have to let him into the patient's room? Are the doctor and protagonist friends? Or is the doctor just a really nice guy?
-Why does the protagonist feel compelled to enter this woman's room? Did he know that he was going to "heal" her? What intentions did he have? Even if you do love someone who lives in a psychiatric hospital, that is by no means a reason to breach security the way that he did.
-In general, aside from the details mentioned already, take me inside of the protagonist's mind. And add detail that only serves to contribute to the setting. Make the situation seem real. Write about how the doctor offered him coffee but the man declined because he is on a caffeine restricting diet, or how the doctor never dreamed that he would be jeopardizing his own job in a situation such as this one. Make the characters come alive.
-You need to build to the climax. Aside from some really stellar moments, the story line was flat. However, there were exceptions:

"Again, she hesitated. Blood dripped from his hand."

This was your finest moment with this story. You're telling me a LOT with just a few words. You're creating an atmosphere with just two sentences. You did a great job with that.




Now, I'm not going to mention every technical point that needs fixing, but there were a few major things that really stood out to me.

-You really like talking about people's eye color, which is fine, but you really overused some adjectives, which made certain parts of the story a little exhausting.

Example: "The man grasped Sophie's hands and looked her straight in the eyes. Brown met green, and for the first time since he walked in, the green eyes seemed to focus."

The 'brown met green' portion is the part that I have the biggest issue with. I just think it's too much. We were introduced to each character's eye color already, and it is okay to remind the readers of these qualities, but each reminder can't be within close proximity to the next. Could you possibly say "The man grasped Sophie's hands and looked her straight in the eyes, and for the first time since he walked in, she seemed to focus."? It's up to you, but certain phrases like that really need revision.

-You have awkward wording in some places that aren't a huge deal but could sound better if they were put together differently.

Example: "And the strange thing was that he was."
Possible Revision: "And strangely, he was."

Example: "The chaos tried to fight but the power in the man's voice held it at bay."
Possible Revision: "The chaos tried to fight the man's voice but it was overpowered and held at bay."

Example: "Ever since she had been trapped here, Sophie had avoided it always, and even though it followed her close behind, she always managed to stay ahead, just by a little."
Possible Correction: "For as long as she had been trapped here, Sophie always avoided it." I can't really correct the following sentence because of how vague it is. What is she ahead of? I understand you are using metaphor here but you need to make your imagery more concrete.

I hope this all helps, and happy writing!
-Alex




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Sun Dec 16, 2012 11:02 pm
catslikebooks2 wrote a review...



I enjoyed reading this piece. It flows well, there's not too much going on at once, but there's enough going on to keep the reader interested. One question, what does "liquid eyes" mean? There may be a better word to use in the instances where the word liquid is used. I like how the eyes of the people are described other than those instances. I like the repetition of "do you trust me?" and "I love you" and hos each one grows in intensity. Also, the last "I love you" being whispered, after the loud one, contrasts well and finishes up the piece nicely. Overall I really enjoyed this piece, it's well written and has a nice plot.





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