Soft knowing brown eyes met pale, scientific blue ones. The blue eyes glanced down.
You say "...pale, scientific blue ones." And include a comma to seperate your describing words, yet "Soft knowing brown eyes..." does not have a comma to seperate. Was this intended or a typo? I think you may
have meant "Soft, knowing brown eyes met pale, scientific blue ones."
He turned to walk down the hallway, but stopped midstep.
"You do know that I am not liable if she attacks you?"
Just letting you know that I really like this bit. It was serious... but it made me laugh. Whether that was intentional or not, it doesn't matter. You had an effect on the reader, and that's what really matters here.
Again, the man smiled, little wrinkles crinkling in the corners of his liquid eyes. And then he replied, each word like the richest chocolate, but quiet, so the good doctor almost had to strain to catch it.
"All will be well."
I got slightly confused here... a little too much description. It's good to use description, but it doesn't want to be overused. So, maybe just rearange your sentence structure, and come up with something
detailed yet vague. Which is often dificult, but with a little effort, will easily be done. Use a metaphor instead of a simile, it will come across as more vague.
The bit in bold? And then... this just bothered me. When I was younger, the teachers always said "Never start a sentemce with 'and then'." I guess it just got stuck, and now it bothers me when I see it. So, can
you take a look back at this, and just think about another phrase that will sound a lot better than "and then".
Suddenlly, he was with her, in the strange, terrifying carnival world, with flashing lights and shouting voices and a hundred thousand scents, playing over and over again.
Suddenly only has one 'L'. Other than that, this sentence was good.
Okay, at first I was confused at your plot... but then I sat and thought about it. I am not sure whether you intended this as the effect on the reader, but this is what I thought.
This story shows the struggle everyone goes through with themsleves, sometimes it gets too much and we take the wrong mental path. The message I got was that no matter how troubled we are, there will always
be someone who will take the time and be patient with you. Simply because they the you. The 'heal' you in a sense. Which then goes back to your title 'the healer'.
I do not know whether I got the correct message/story out of this, but any how, I did get something out of it.
You did a very good job, you evoked a realisation and effect on your reader. Congratulations!
I enjoyed this. Even though it confused me to begin with, it held a hidden meaning that I appricated fully. Thankyou for sharing this story, you truly gave me something to think about, even if it was just for
entertainment purposes.
Well done and good luck!
Keep writing!
-Clarity'xo
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Reviews: 95
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