z

Young Writers Society



Carbology

by jefferyffe


“Coal burns and gives off sulfur dioxide as wells as nitrogen oxide and carbon dioxide. These gases cause acid rain and global warming.” He writes this down in a small notebook. “This is why we shouldn’t use coal. However, coal is our number one source of fossil fuel. It’s used in the generation of electricity.” He writes this down. She puts her hand on his thigh and gently squeezes her fingernails into the skin.

“What are you doing, honey?” She sits up and wraps her arms around his stomach. “lay back down.” She breathes on his ear.

“I can’t. I have to think about the opposition’s argument against coal. It would look bad if I didn’t think about the counter points of the environmentalists.” He stands up feeling the wind between his legs. He walks over to his desk and picks up a briefcase. “I’ll be up late. After the hearing tomorrow, I’ll be able to rest easy, but until then I need to get this work done. I’ll be to bed early tomorrow and then we can have fun.”

“What about Clay Town?” She brushes her hair around the lobe of her ear.

“Coal fires happen all the time. It can’t be representative of all coal mines. Most coal mines today have safety codes in practice to prevent that. It’s only the fires that started before the safety codes were put in action. Coal mines today are biased against hiring smokers, because of this. The data from their hiring practices confirms this. However, I like your thinking. You’re keeping me on my toes.” He smiles at her then leaves the bedroom.

“Do you honestly think defending coal mines will benefit the world?” She asks as he leaves the room.

“It’s heroin and America’s addicted. We’re not getting off fossil fuels anytime soon.” He shuts the door behind him.

The hardwood floor creaks and moans as he walks. The clock on the wall reads three a.m. The pale moon shines through the glass doors leading to the back patio. Snow glistens in the moonlight and the small tracks of rabbits and other small game dot trails leading from the patio to the back yard.

He stands at the obsidian colored formica counter. He walks over to the sink and fills up the coffee pot. He slows the water pour and tops off the pot.

While pouring the water into the resevoir of the coffee maker, he looks through the kitchen window. He sees the girl, she lays on her bed and sips from a glass of alcohol. She lights a cigarette and inhales. The light shines on her body and she traces an imaginary circle in the air with the cherry of the cigarette. She’s talking to herself.

Well, I don’t think I should be watching this, he thinks. He turns away and puts coffee grounds into the filter and puts the filter in the coffee maker. He pushes the switch and sits facing the coffee machine and turns on the overhead light. He scribbles a line across the top of the paper. It doesn’t matter, she can’t see me. I could look all I want, I could stare at her. No, I need to work on this for the hearing. He scratches his chest and listens to the sound of the coffee maker. He looks down at his notebook and begins to write.

Coal gives off these gases, but it is possible with filters to lower the levels of these gases to non-worrisome levels. There’s got to be a better word than non-worrisome, he thinks. Less dangerous, but that implies that there is danger which isn’t a word I want in the heads of the senators before they vote. He scribbles a little more. Even if there is a coal fire, China has methods which the U.S. can efffectively and cheaply reproduce to extinguish seam fires.

He walks over to the dish washer and gets a coffee cup. He looks towards the girl’s house while he pours the coffee. She’s not even paying attention. I could stare at her all I wanted to and she wouldn’t even notice, he thinks. He blows on the coffee. His breathe stirs the black surface. Steam swirls around and into nothingness. No, I need to get back to coal.

He sits back down and continues to write. Coal, coal, coal, fucking coal, why does the committee need me to write about coal. It’s like I’m still in school. I didn’t study science, I’m not a geologist, and I should be defending people not an industry, Christ. Coal, anthracite, diamond restructed so that it’s black and worthless for nothing more than cookouts so that fat rednecks can stuff their faces with hotdogs while I waste away in a marriage that’s meaningless, lusting after the ‘girl next door’, and hating my wife for loving me. In me, I see coal, and in coal, I see me. What more is there to say? Burning fossil fuels are bad for the environment, but no one cares about that. All anyone cars about is getting to places faster. If you want to save the environment, then ride a horse everywhere.

He sips on the coffee, it burns his tongue and he drops the glass in the sink. The wood behind him creaks. She stands behind him and he doesn’t notice. She knows what he wants. He wants the girl through the window, but then again, doesn’t everybody, she thinks.

She walks gently back to the bedroom and underneath the covers and cries herself to sleep.


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Sun Dec 30, 2012 11:55 pm
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Squall wrote a review...



Hey there.

“Coal burns and gives off sulfur dioxide as wells as nitrogen oxide and carbon dioxide. These gases cause acid rain and global warming.”


Don't you think everyone knows about this? And yet you have a character writing this down as though its new info.

So I'm going to cut right down to the chase: Where is the actual conflict? You have a protagonist that isn't keen on writing about coal...which is a pretty weak conflict given you have such a huge and controversial topic here.

I think it's funny how much of an emphasis you are placing on coal as the number one fuel source, considering there are other forms of renewable energy like wind, hydro-dams, solar etc. And let's not forget nuclear energy, that plays a pretty big role in powering a lot of things in our world today. What issue does coal present that merits someone writing about it? Global warming due to fossil fuel burning is something that's been around for a long time. I think people nowadays are more interested in finding ways to actually reduce the affects of global warming.

The only actual conflict I can see is if in your world, it has come to a point where people need to mine for coal in protected lands. That could be an issue worth writing about.

To be honest though, if I wanted to read a story about the issues with coal mining, I could do it in a scientific journal or the national geographic. There is just too much of an emphasis on coal here that I think you are better off writing this as an article than a creative piece.




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Sun Dec 30, 2012 10:45 pm
veeren wrote a review...



Heyo Jefferey :D
While you've got a nice piece here, I'd have to say you have a few grammatical errors.

The first paragraph, for example, would look much better like this;

Spoiler! :
“Coal burns and gives off sulfur dioxide as wells as nitrogen oxide and carbon dioxide. These gases cause acid rain and global warming,” He writes this down in a small notebook, “This is why we shouldn't use coal. However, coal is our number one source of fossil fuel. It’s used in the generation of electricity.” He writes this down. She puts her hand on his thigh and gently squeezes her fingernails into the skin.


You should add that last sentence to the next paragraph, since it's both introducing a new character and involves something unrelated to the first paragraph. The second 'he writes this down' just sounds redundant, the use of commas easily fixes.

Also, in the second to last paragraph, there is a lack of description, and the whole thing just doesn't flow very well. It might just be the way it's written that's confusing, but you definitely need to either fix or remove it. I don't really think it contributes to the story, and as such it is just unneeded, extra information.
And this might sound a bit nit-picky, but you mention that he gets a coffee cup for his coffee, then you say he drops a glass into the sink.

However, I did like that you were able to show the relationship between then man and the woman very well. You could easily pick up on their relationship with one another and I thought that was great.

With that said, good work and keep on writing :D




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Sun Dec 30, 2012 10:25 pm
TheTaleAsOldAsTime wrote a review...



Hello jefferyffe
I enjoyed this a lot.
I'm going to get a little personal here, but
I am all for coal, mostly because of where I live and how I am growing up. But why does it matter? Why is coal such a big issue? I think that this short story was very interesting and very real. I honestly have no critiques for you. All I have to say is that you should write more, because the ending left me longing for more. Other than that, this was a good read.! Please continue this and keep up the amazing work. c:

~Tale xxx




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Sun Dec 30, 2012 12:36 pm
Hannah wrote a review...



Ahh, heartbreaking. The intention, the set up, the base for a really powerful piece is all here, but it needs a little more tweaking before I'd call it solid. And that's why you're here! And that's why I'm here.

The thing is that I believed from the very beginning they were really in love. That this man loved his wife, loved her support, and was just busy, just as he said. Maybe that's my bias, my problem, but it just seemed an abrupt transition to him looking at the girl out the window. Would this feel different for you, if you wrote this about the FIRST time he saw the girl out the window and just BEGAN to realize that he maybe didn't want to be with his wife?
i think then you'd require a stronger event to make the wife cry herself to sleep. it works with her crying as it is now because she can have watched his pattern, seen day after day where he looks out the window, but if it were the first time, she wouldn't have that suspicion, so he might have to actually do something for it to work that way.

His breathe stirs the black surface.

^ breath is what you want here.

She walks gently back to the bedroom and underneath the covers and cries herself to sleep.

^ she walks back to the bedroom, lifts the covers gently up, and cries herself to sleep might work better. because ew, how can someone walk "gently"? they can walk softly, but gently implies an intention of gentleness, and what is she being gentle to?

also please put some thought into what would make this man think about the girl next door -- what's missing in his relationship with his wife that he is yearning for, but can't tell her she's missing?

anyway, nice. look it over again. let me know if you have questions or want to discuss this further, as i think it's a good piece.

keep working. push further. good luck.




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Sun Dec 30, 2012 10:14 am
reason wrote a review...



I agree with most of the points that catslikebooks2 makes: however, I disagree that this piece being too realistic is the downfall. What this story needs is a magnification of conflicts here.

“I can’t. I have to think about the opposition’s argument against coal. It would look bad if I didn’t think about the counter points of the environmentalists.”


Why does it matter if he looks bad? There’s a loss of face, sure, but will he be fired for an “off” day? I doubt it. Explain to me as a reader why this is important to the protagonist? There’s the immediate gratification of sex with his spouse. Why would he ever turn that down? Unless, there’s something fundamentally wrong with the relationship or his expectations in which case elaborate.

Does his wife do this often? Is it every bit annoying that she doesn’t understand how important work is to him? Again, explain to me why work is so very important to him. Or is it only an excuse? A spouse or partner denies intimacy typically when they’ve found it elsewhere or when they have higher aspirations. Tell me, which one is it?

He walks over to his desk and picks up a briefcase. “After the hearing tomorrow, I’ll be able to rest easy, but until then I need to get this work done. I’ll be to bed early tomorrow and then we can have fun.”


Is this true? Or again, is this an excuse? Does work always come up with a new challenge for him and therefore he’s only offering her a false promise? Elaborate on his spouse’s reaction.

Is she annoyed? Does she sigh in resignation? Does she lie back on her bed frustrated with him? From what follows next, she seems supportive –eager to offer input as a way to gain validation, fondness, or at this point relevance.

You elaborate on the house. What is the significance behind that? Is it to give us a glance of how well these two are living therefore insinuating the cost of maintaining such a lifestyle? The spouse asked him something between the lines: what’s the big picture behind protecting the use of fossil fuels?

Do these two have children?

What’s at stake here? Evidently for the wife, her relationship with her husband is what she’s fighting for. He’s her world, they’ve built this life together and she’s feeling him slowly leaving her grasp. He’s busy looking at the next-door neighbor –a girl.

Something exciting and new, youth reminds him of brash hopes and dreams. Idealism and vitality when he thought he could change the world. Does he want a taste of that –what it feels like to be truly alive again? Is that what he wants?

He sees the girl, she lays on her bed and sips from a glass of alcohol. She lights a cigarette and inhales. The light shines on her body and she traces an imaginary circle in the air with the cherry of the cigarette.


That’s a nice touch. The detail in which you note that she’s indulging in two vices that will result in her death: smoking and drinking. What time is it again? Three in the morning, I do believe. It’s living life in the fast lane, believing that she’s above death via cancer or liver-related issues. No thoughts to the future just the present and feeling good, or perhaps she’s trying to numb herself –food for thought.

I should be defending people not an industry, Christ.


Here we go! Our protagonist does feel frustrated with his current set of circumstances. He defended himself earlier with his wife –which fossil fuel is heroin, but in this instance he’s honest with himself. The protagonist is disappointed. He had come into this idealistic and now felt bitter. Does he resent his wife?

Does she even work?

How is his marriage meaningless in his opinion? Does it no longer give him that spark? Is he angry with her because he can’t chase after idealistic notions? No, he has to deal with a committee and basically write a science paper like in school all to pay a mortgage –to pay for every square foot of that cursed house and it has to be maintained. Someone has to clean, does she clean or do they hire someone? In short, there are lots of bills to pay.

He wants the girl through the window, but then again, doesn’t everybody, she thinks.

Had she once been the girl through the window? With age, she changed according to their shared expectation on life. But really, her spouse had unrealistic dreams and never made any compromises that leave him frustrated with the present. She became stable, consistent, and that’s quite boring, but she did that for them.

He’s done the same, but he hates it.

In short, raise the stakes. How is it the end of the world for his spouse that he no longer loves her? Why does she try to keep it together? What’s her motivation? What’s the worst if she doesn’t get what she wants? How about him? What does he want? What’s the worst-case scenario? Why is he fighting for it, brushing off his wife and pining after the girl next door?



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jefferyffe says...


This was part of a larger piece, but I appreciate the critique. I hadn't really thought about all of that, but now that you brought it up, it will certainly add to my revision of this piece. Thanks!



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Mon Dec 17, 2012 5:19 am
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catslikebooks2 wrote a review...



Interesting. It's sort of a peek into the life of regular person. The whole set-up is executed precisely, starting with the man's work, then going in deeper. The complexity, the reality of life, is captured in this piece. Unfortunately, real life is boring. Everyone knows the depth and complexity of average life and forgoes it for a more unique, semi-plausible form of reality, or skips right over reality to fantasy. The piece is amazing, expertly executed, deep and complex, full of glimpses into almost everyone's lives, but it's too real, making it uninteresting to most people.





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