Published December 15, 2012
Chapter One
*
Under the sky of purple and blue, beneath of where the sun shines, lays the path to the fallen city. No light nor laughter finds it's way down here; darkness echoes only with screams and cries of those lost or damned to spend their lives here. In the city's streets, no man in the right mind walks alone. Covered in branches filled with thorns, streets are made of ancient rocks, cracked and every here and there stained with what suspiciously reminds of blood, and in the shadows - that's what places where the candle light can't reach are called - await spider webs and creatures thirsty for fear and hungry for reckless souls.
In the end of the main street, when you pass the palaces of nobles, roofs of abandoned houses on which orphans had made their homes and tents of the nomads always looking for a better place both for living and illegal soul trades, you'll reach the Perimeter. You may pass, over the border of non-erasable marks on the ground and through gates guarded only by large and scary-looking plants, but, adventurous traveler, you must keep in mind never to drop your guard and to think twice before every step you make. For now you'll be entering the home of the Master, and who once comes in, they say, is never again allowed to leave.
Yet there you can see people inside the mansion's borders. You can see men and women in the garden of black roses, and you suddenly feel the urge to come in and join them, wondering if it can be that not all the Masters are the same. And the only thing stopping you, apart from the lessons you've learned before you knew to talk, is the silence. There's no voice or sound one so ever coming from the Master's estate, no matter how silent the street gets or how hard you listen.
It is, though, hard to concentrate, since the street around you never really gets silent. Just now, standing hidden in the crowd, you observe as the Queen's men hunt down some girl. She is the one to take the story on, the one we're interested in: barely in her twelfth, thin and darker skinned than most of the people you can see around - though that's not much of an accomplishment - and with eyes gray as mist under raven-black hair. She runs pretty fast, jumping over the things and people laying on the street as if she knows exactly where her next step will get her. Yet she stops in hesitation as she reaches the edge of Perimeter, looking back at the soldiers approaching.
There's a crowd preventing her from running back - she knows there's no way she could push her way through them fast enough - and although no one really likes the Queen men, she's sure no one would rush to save her either. No, she know there's only one solution, and she crosses the Perimeter. Yet those who persuade her don't stop - they're under orders and this young pray obviously is incredibly important - so she has no choice but to keep on running. She passes through the gates, under the plants resembling giant thorny hands, and turns around to face her hunters again. Only one of them follows her through the gates, his evil grin doing bad job at hiding his fear, and stops few steps away from her.
"Now, dear girl, it's the end of the road", he says, catching his breath between the words, "no point in going any further, so you better turn around and come with me fast."
"You have no right to order me around here", she says, somewhat desperately, as the figures recently walking around the garden suddenly come closer. She can feel the coldness and does her best not to shiver.
"I'm under the Queen's orders, little runaway." He smiles, looking at people around her. "You hope to find friends here, kid? You think they'll protect you? Look at them... They're no more than scam, gathered under the wing of a traitor claiming to be an angel."
She opens her mouth, hoping to find an answer, and discovers she can't move a muscle. Not even a moment later, the hunter's skin turns darker. She watches as he becomes more and more reddish, until slowly cracks start appearing all over his body, and his eyes turn in the color of the fire.
"Now", says gently the voice behind her, as if he's a bit bored, "you can say we're strange - I may even get over the 'scam' part... But calling the Master an angel is just insulting."
Queen's hunter suddenly bursts into flames, burning from the inside as if he's swallowed fire. He reaches his hand to the girl, and she takes a quick step back - again able to move - almost falling in the hands of the man standing behind here. She feels his hand, cold as ice and stronger than she'd ever expect, holding her around her neck, and she finds herself struggling for a breath.
"The man was offensive, but told the truth", he whispers, "You'll find nor help nor compassion here, it was stupid to come."
"Sanctuary", she whispers, trying to move his hand, "I claim sanctuary."
He lets her go, although with a somewhat dark expression on his face, and then just turns around and leaves, entering the mansion.
*
That girl never again left the Perimeter's borders. Her name was Evangeline, and she was eleven when her hunters forced her to put her life and soul in the hands of a Master and his Apprentice.
That girl was me.
****
(note: It is a project of mine I just recently started, challenged by a friend to write a dark story with a lot of unpleasant events that people will like nevertheless. It's not finished yet, though I have the concepts for all the stories from the series. Oh, and please don't forget that English is not my first language, so there lays the reason why some sentences are constructed in a weir way or such - I'll be more than happy to learn how to change it wherever it's the case, though)
Aria
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Hi Aria! Alpha here ^^
(cos you ROCK AND ROAR, girl!) Aaaaynyways.
I'm glad to have finally read something by you
First, I just want you to know how much I love this. It reads like poetry, and I just loved -LOVED- the magnifying-glass detail, how it zooms in and on. I like that this isn't a cliche. I saw the title and then saw that it was by you and was like Awww I'll give this a try. And I'm glad I did!
The grittiness and the dark 'tone' of the story didn't set in until a-little-before-halfway, but that's fine because when it did, it was real. I really appreciated that this isnt a story about upper-class drawers and aristocrats- we have enough of those (and I'm guilty haha).
So... yeah! I love this to bits and I want you to write more. I think you'll win the dare, cos I'm loving this already!
Keep writing,
Cheers!
Alpha
P.S. I loved the clockwork avvie.. :3
Write more! I can be your editing partner.
Hello!
I was reading some of your storybook posts (Because I'm creepy like that) and I admired your flair for colour and detail so I thought I'd check some of you work out, and I was pleased to see it carried through.
I really like this. Its very haunting, and you manage to set up a lot about the world and the plot is a way that doesn't seem like exposition. I wasn't sure about the use of second person, but i likes it the more I read. I saw your comment about it being a particular construction to set up the story, and it worked really really well. SO congrats on that.
I noticed a couple places where the wording was a little jarring, but the explanation that English is not your first language explains that. I'm only going to bring up one spot though. In your description there is a fragment "barely in her twelfth". Is that meant to be twelfth year? Is the girl twelve? I just think you might be missing a word, and its confusing.
I also want to throw in my two sense on the "character name and appearance" thing. Its just stylistic differences really, but I tend to disagree with Lycando. I prefer the broken up form of description. Its my philosophy that the reader doesn't need to be given everything right away. We can wait to find out what her name is, and what her eyecolour is. In fact, I've always worked under the theory that unless the characters appearance says something about them or is relevant in some way, the reader can fill in the details on their own. You've done a good job in hat you've mentioned that Evangeline has dark hair when a lot of those around her do not. That's in my opinion the kind of info that needs to be shared at this stage.
At the same time, its jarring to find out as your getting into the story only to find out that the character you've imagined looking one way actually looks completely different, so watch out for that.
This is just my personal view of it. It all really depends on what you're trying to accomplish with your writing. OS I'll shush now before i end up offending someone.
Anyways, thank you for the wonderful read.
Thanks for the wonderful review ^^

Firstly, how about you consider *joining* one of the Storybooks?
One of which I'm in, I mean
Riiight.. Her twelfth. She's eleven at the time. I don't know actually is it so everywhere, but here at my place, when you turn ten - you've entered your eleventh year, when you turn eleven - you've entered your twelfth.. And so on. Is it the same? I think I'll change that anyway xD
Yes, I like to put the pieces of description all over the story too. I guess it really only depends on the writer, as it's pretty obvious every reader has his own opinion on how it "should" be..
Evangeline, actually, looks rather normal for our standards, but she stands out because people there would seem strange to us xD
Thanks again :3
Hey!
The things in bold will be where you can improve, or where you have made a mistake, or perhaps if I find something I like, and it catches my eye.
Well, to start off, the start is very nicely written. It is a good way to start everything off.
Now, the bit in bold- it is pretty much all one sentence. And it is way too long. I'm going to write it again for you, and this time it will be split up into suitable lengths.
"Covered in branches filled with thorns, streets are made of ancient rocks. They are cracked, and in every odd corner they're stained with what suspiciously resembles blood. In the shadows,
where candle light cannot reach, await spider webs and creatures thirsty for fear and hungry for reckless souls."
Well, I think you can see the major things I have changed... and if you read it through, you can see that it reads a lot better!
Oh, and that last bit- "... await spider webs and creatures thirsty for fear and hungry for reckless souls." I loved it. It was a very good metaphor.
Well... I've just looked through the other review, and all I now have to say is that this has the potential to be a great piece.
We know English isn't your first language, so you could practice English sentence structure to enable you to write in an even and steady, well stuctured sentence!
Well dome, keep writing!
-Clarity'xo
Hi there again

I'm happy to see your review on this piece too ^_^
Oh my.. Yeah, I tend to do that long-sentence thing.. I have them in my pieces written in Croatian as well :p Thank you for the advice on how to make them a couple of shorter ones.. But don't you think it may be enough just to put . instead of , after the word "blood"?
I'm very glad you liked it - you may spoil me, though, but it's not like I'm complaining..
Thanks a lot for the review(s), you've been very helpful ^_^ oh, and don't worry.. I don't think anything ever will stop me from keeping on writing
Aria
Welcome, and what do you mean with the full stop/comma thing?
I meant, so it goes like this:

Covered in branches filled with thorns, streets are made of ancient rocks, cracked and every here and there stained
with what suspiciously resembles blood. And in the shadows - that's what places where the candle light can't reach are called - await spider webs and creatures thirsty for fear and hungry for reckless
souls.
Though I know it's not quite correct to start a sentence with 'and', but I kind of like it
Hey there it's Lycando here!



First off, please space out your writing into paragraphs, I know you kinda have them now but they're paragraphs which super close to each other, makes the eyes hurt.
OK, first off, the girl doesn't seem to have a name, and it's pretty good to place a name to a character, even if it's just the first part of a story. Also you could have described her more. Such as how she looked, how she was dressed, how tall she was. These tiny details help us, the reader see the character in a much clearer light.
As you said English isn't you first language, I can understand this. But just to help you improve
"This is no place you can order me anything"
"Now, dear girl, it's the end of the way"
The first sentence could be better phrased with "You have no right to order me around"
The second sentence is pretty good except "way" could be better of with "road" or even "path"
I liked your description of the setting in the first part, it flows pretty smoothly, and also gives the setting a dark and gloomy feeling. The rest of the dialogue is pretty smooth flowing too, and I liked the cliffhanger you left me with.
A good start, nonetheless, would like to see more, and also if you need more critique feel free to let me know!
Hi Lycando

Thanks a lot for the review, it really helps ^^
And you're right for sure.. it was written on my phone and I just now realised how it actually looks >.< Fixing the paragraphs...
Oh, but she does have a name: "That girl never again left the Perimeter's borders. Her name was Evangeline, and she was eleven when her hunters forced her to put her life and soul in the hands of a Master and his Apprentice.
That girl was me."
She takes the story on, telling it in past tense and in first person.. this beginning was something like an introduction for the readers to the world everything is to take place in... and I think there will be paragraphs like that one later, too (but I'm not sure yet, hah)
As for the description, do you think it's the best to describe the MC in whole int he first paragraph, or is it better to place little pieces of description all around the book? I'm asking because I tend to do that other thing, and sometimes it seems kind of wrong to me, so I wonder what other writers think
Thanks again for the review, especially for the help with choosing the right words, I really appreciate it when other writers are willing to help.. most of them at my place tend to see each other like rivals, and don't care to give advices at all :s
Anyway.. Perhaps I put the rest of it up too.. it's not yet finished, but maybe the part I have - after I correct the major grammar mistakes, that is :p
If you really think so, I could send you some of the other things I write (those that I don't want to put online because of whatever reasons I have).. or you can just wait for me to correct those mentioned above and review them then (pretty please) ^_^
Aria (The Long Comment Writer)
Sure! Be glad to help
However I suggest that you still post them on here. So as to get feedback not just from me but others as well. It's always better to have more than one opinion.
And for the description, it's always good to at least give a the reader some idea how your MC looks like. Basic stuff would do, you don't have to go to extreme details like height or eye color. Just clothing would do, or maybe even hair, describing faces are also a good start!