Published December 14, 2012
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
138,653 Literary Works • 672,189 Reviews
Yea, I'm not a big fan of suicide either.
A nice little poem, I'd like to see more of your work. Keep it up!
Short, concise, basic understanding, good message, swell connotative words, and rhyming scheme that makes the poem flow like water. Poems like this will never be the headstone of poetry sadly, but they have their own place in poetry. Keep writing, I can tell that you can write a lot more than this, and you should.
P.S. Didn't mean to post it down there lol
First off, I'd like to say that I really like this poem. It's so simple, and yet it conveys so much. And personally, I really like that in poetry.
I also enjoyed the visual way you displayed emotions. That was a great use of metaphors and personification.
Anyway, all of your punctuation, grammar, and spelling seems to be all good. Though I do have one suggestion for line #6.
It says:
"Is rejected my sin"
I think it should be changed to either:
"Has rejected my sin"
Or
"Is rejecting my sin"
That way you don't have past tense and present tense contradicting each other in the same line.
Other than that it was a great piece!
Keep it up!
w&w
Alex! Hey! I'm Alf and I'm here for a very short review! May this one help your piece improve!
OVERVIEW
Wow, I like this one! Common elements of poetry are all evident and the progression of the story can very much be tracked. Great work on that. The theme of the piece, cruelty of life, disasters and the like curses also pops out; the whole piece is wrapped up tight, meaning it didn't lose hold of the thematics. I like that! It's also great that your piece is short yet very expressive.
GOOD START
I would really like to recognize your intro verses. Although very simple, they provided good imagery. You also spoke in a tone which interested me. I would like it better, though, if you would add more feel and emotion too it. Yes, there is a cloud of fear, I can see it. The prob is that I didn't feel it. By using figurative language, you can better express them, so try doing that.
ENDINGS?
Your ending's concept is okay with me, but the style didn't. See here:
Is rejected? My sin? It seems that the line is very misleading. It's okay to make conventions, but be sure that they're understandable enough
Grammar-wise, the earlier verse in this quote is also misleading. Although this is a poem, you need to keep tenses in tact.
Well, that's all I can say for now. Hope I helped!
Good luck writing and happy Holidays!
Your pal,
Al
Short, concise, basic understanding, good message, swell connotative words, and rhyming scheme that makes the poem flow like water. Poems like this will never be the headstone of poetry sadly, but they have their own place in poetry. Keep writing, I can tell that you can write a lot more than this, and you should.