The Cleansing

Hi there,

This was an interesting short piece - although the idea itself didn't particularly grab me as original; the term 'rebel' too is a cliche image. The perspective and voice that surfaced quite quickly did make up for this to some extent. I feel I know the character.

Then again, there's a problem with the idea. I don't feel someone would have such attachment to literature or art - particularly to single out a few lines - if the purpose of them is to have no emotion. Why be so speculative? Why critical? Surely without emotions we are absolutely artificial; I didn't feel this in your characters.

Also, at the beginning you have a tendency to, though short, over-explain the situation - or perhaps not quite show us as much as you tell us. For example, 'and other harsh smelling chemicals' is about as effective as 'etc.' which I'd highly discourage to be used in any literary piece. If you want the Romeo and Juliet piece to be prominent, you need to show and illustrate her repeating it - rather than just telling us its a book she's been reading... when has she been reading it? Why? How did she get hold of it?

I like that about the piece though - the mystery of it. There's just a little too much mystery for me. It goes too far in providing more questions than answers.

Sorry if this criticism seems harsh but all for improving.
Keep writing, you've got some gem ideas and a nice style.

Regards,
Ben

Woah..

This imagery was absolutely beautiful, with a dark and depressing twist.

I liked the curiosity of the woman concerning love. At first, I was confused with the importance of the book, but you tied it in wonderfully.

"The door opened and the smell of blood and sweat filled the room." I suggest making this a less striking phrase, because just previously we were introduced to the smell of chemicals, and certainly that one boy couldn't overpower such a smell. You could say how the stench mingled with the chemicals, tainting it, because then it could create a sense of weakness or unimportance, if you understand what I mean.

I also liked the sudden change of feeling at the end. It made me feel... empty. And depressed. But I still really liked it.

I know this is a short story, but I think you could have a lot of fun expanding on this idea.

Keep up the good work!

[color=#4000BF]***Throws confetti!***[/color]

Woohoo! Fiftieth review!

Okay, now that that's out, for this review I'm going to focus on the five conventions of good writing. What are those conventions you ask? (You may not be asking, but I'm going to list them anyway.) They are structure, organization, word choice, idea, and voice. I'll start with structure and work my way down the list. Now on with it!

Structure

Your story is well structured. It introduces the main character, a cold, emotionless robot of a woman quoting Shakespeare. A very unique character. It was a little short, and I feel your story would be stronger if you expanded on the world it's written in.

Organization

Your story is well organized. There is a clear cut beginning, middle, and end. I honestly didn't see the ending coming, great job there. You did a good job hooking me in from the start.

Word Choice

This is an area the story could improve in. The first paragraph was vivid and exciting, the rest were a bit dull in comparison. I suggest using stronger verbs in certain situations. Also, like DragonGirl pointed out, you use door twice in a row. But I'll stick to verb choice for now.

The door swung open into a white, clean room smelling of bleach and other harsh chemicals.

This sentence is great, but how do the chemicals effect her? Do they sting her eyes? Do the make her stomach churn? Or does she feel comfortable here because of the clean smell? This is not only a great chance to add depth to your setting, but also your character.

In the sentence with the blue gloves, you used the wrong form of 'there'. It should have been 'their'. No biggy! Just a typo.

The door opened and the smell of blood and sweat filled the room. Two guards carried in a dirty, starving, injured boy.

This sentence is great, but it could be even better! The smell of blood and sweat filled the room, but how did the acrid scent of fresh blood mix with the sour smell of bleach? They just carried him in? Are the guards cruel and cold, tossing him in like a bag of garbage? Or maybe they were more ginger? Handling the broken boy delicately as they eased the burden of emotion? The boy was dirty and starving, was his frame wasted? Each rib visible for the counting? How was he injured? There's a ton of room for vivid description in these two sentences!

Also, just an interesting snippet, I read in my biology book an account of brain surgery where a man was marked with red tattoos where incisions and drilling were to occur. This has nothing to do with the review, but it's one of those creepy little things that add intensity to a story!

Voice

Your voice is fitting. It feels very cold, and it tells everything like it is. It reminds me of the emotionless surgeon. I like it! I can't really think of a good way to improve your voice, other than to enhance your word choice. Nice job!

Idea

You have a good idea to work with here. I really like it. There's a strong message for you to carry with this story, and a very touching subject matter. Keep up the good work!

I hope my review was helpful! PM if you have any questions or anything. Nice story, and keep up the good work!

Hello, North!

All in all, your grammar, spelling, and punctuation are excellent, but I do have a couple nitpicks about the first three sentences.

...and walked through the door. The door swung open into a white, clean room...

The single fluorescent light flickered with each of her steps.

Hey North!

I'm a fan of such sci-fi ish stories, so this stands all cool in my book, yo.
And this is oddly similar to one of the short stories I'm working on, for a competition. Quite scarily similar - the premises et al.

So, some of my comments:

clean room smelling of bleach and other harsh chemicals.

Hey North!
This was really cool!
Your grammar and spelling was really good throughout, and the story flowed very well. Although I have one small nitpick;